Balzac's Ballsack

X-MEN 226: GO TELL YOUR MOTHER

2012-02-15T19:59:00.000-08:00

What we learned this issue besides that being transformed by Eldritch time waves is bad for business for shopping malls.

ITS A SPECIAL DOUBLE THE SIZE, DOUBLE THE PENETRATION ISSUE!

THAT SAYS: "THE HARD WIENERED" BY THE WAY. HEY DID YOU KNOW THE WORD WIENER COMES FROM THE GERMAN WORD "VIENNESE?" FUCKING WHO GIVES A SHIT, RIGHT?

FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE GOAT ASS. ESPECIALLY YOU, TONY WOMO.

TASTE COLD STEEL, DAZZLER.

WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THE X-MANS ALWAYS WIPE THEIR ASSES BEFORE SHAKING HANDS? COME ON, MAN, THAT'S NOT COOL.

SLAYING BARBARIANS WORKS UP A NICE FROTHY BELCH FOR WOLVERINE.

REAL FUCKIN FUNNY GUY, THIS REDSKIN. REAL FUCKIN COMEDIAN.

WAIT, IS A SQUAW A CHICK? I THINK IT IS. YUP, IT IS. GOD DAMN IT. STUPID NON GENDER-NEUTRAL PRONOUNS.

THAT JOKE WORKS GREAT WHENEVER YOU'RE WITHIN SIGHT OF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT. TRUST ME, I KNOW. FROM EXPERIENCE.

HIGH FIVE!

WOLVERINE TELLS THE FUCKIN CAMERA CREW WHAT IS UP.

Shit is starting to hit the fan as weirdo, trickster native american asshole, the Adversary, rips a whole in the fabric of space time right above the butthead city of Dallas. The scant heroes left to defend reality against the unending horde of dinosaurs and barbarians and shit are the X-Men, not unlike the 300 buff, burly and shaved homoerotic Spartans who defended ancient Greece from the Persian armies of Xerxes at Hot Gates of Thermopylae. Hence, the title, Go Tell the Spartans (that their society is again safe for their rampant pedophilia and slavery to continue unabated).

Honestly, fuck ancient Greece. It sounds like a real fucking piece of shit.

Lots of cool fighting, as Freedom Force (the government sponsored but still bad guy group of mutants) and the X-Bags (good guys but branded villains by the LAME STREAM MEDIA and politicians), are forced to put aside their differences and protect the innocent Texans from randos that keep spilling out of the space-time rift and for some reason start attacking everything in sight. Hey, if I was some cro-magnon warrior all the sudden dumped into fucking shitty Dallas, I'd start attacking too. I don't know why the Texans from "our reality" are automatically assumed to be the ones worth saving.

Actually, Claremont, pimpstar deluxe that he is, makes that point, as the Adversary is pretending to be a local redneck and starts killing peaceful Injuns who get in his way. SO WHO REALLY SHOULD BE SAVED???

It is implied that perhaps the noble savages, our red skinned cousins the Cheyenne, deserve salvation more so than their imperial white skinned oppressors, Manifest Destiny notwithstanding.

Meanwhile, the Adversary has also sequestered terrible Storm and Forge in an alternate reality and given them a choice: Stay in new perfect paradise and restart humanity anew in their own mold, or go back to their garbage world and possibly perish with it. Its a sweet Faustian bargain, and I clearly would have opted to stay in the new world and told old world to fuck off. But Storm and Forge are insufferably moral and give up paradise to save stink planet Earth. Great.

GOOD ISSUE. Double stuffed with more rad Silverstri panels and fantastically purple Claremontian prose. Even the coloring and lettering stand out as superb. Some real professionals but this little motherfucker together, I can tell you that.

Next issue we get the conclusion of THE BALLS OF THE MUTANTS (are inside their scrotum, where they belong, duh), which we readers can only assume involves the literal death of every X-Men, since thats what Destiny, the pre-cog (look it up), has been constantly telling everyone, including the X-Men, will happen in the final confrontation. So I guess this next one is the last X-Men comic book ever then, right?

YEAH.

RIGHT.

X-Men 225: False Dong

2012-02-12T14:02:00.000-08:00

What we learn this issue besides that if Claremont keeps putting "Dawn" in his titles, I'm going to keep putting "Dong" in mine.

SEE YOU NEXT "FALL" OF THE MUTANTS!!!!! HAR HAR HAR!

YEP, MORE FARTS. AND THAT AIN'T LAST OF THEM NEITHER.

I'VE BEEN PLAYING A SHIT TON OF CHESS LATELY. MAYBE I NEED AN X-MEN CHESS SET. GOOD IDEA, I'LL GOOGLE THAT RIGHT NOW.

NO SHIT, THERE AIN'T ONE. NOT EVEN ON FUCKIN EBAY OR FUCKIN ETSY. I BELIEVE THAT IS WHAT US MASTERS OF BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION CALL A MARKET FAILURE.

NAZE AND ROMA. THE ADVERSARY AND THE, UM, SAVIOR? THEY DONT GIVE ROMA ANOTHER NAME I DONT THINK. ANYWAY, IF YOU HAVEN'T GUESSED FROM THE OBVIOUS CHESS METAPHORS, THEYRE FIGHTING FOR THE FATE OF THE UNIVERSE, ORDER VS CHAOS, ETC, ETC AND THE X-PEOPLES AND WHAT NOT ARE THE PAWNS THEY ARE ATTEMPTING TO MANIPULATE. FUCKIN GUYS. GET A NEW HOBBY WHY DONT YOU.

COLOSSUS HATES FUCKIN PHONES.

THIS IS JUST A REALLY COOL SEQUENCE.OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN JUST IMAGINE SOME FARTING NOISES IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE IT FUNNIER.

YOU TAKE SOME OF THAT!

I MEAN, WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK? THIS IS NOT GEORGIA O'KEEFFE LEVEL OF SUBTLETY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

This is the first issue of what can be considered the first official crossover, or "X-Over" because it's the X-Men and we think we're just so fucking clever. Except unlike the Mutant Massacre, which wasn't as tightly planned but did weave the main storyline through multiple titles, the Fall of the Mutants is more of a general shake up of all the X titles that takes place concurrently but aren't as intertwined.

ANYWAYS, Storm and Forge aren't seen at all this issue, but these mystical jagovs Roma (the good guy, or lady as it were) and Naze, the bad guy, talk about them while they have a conversation in "an impossible place - space that encompasses all existence - time that embraces all eternity." Sounds lovely. And even tho Naze is hell bent on annihilating the universe because shit would get boring if he didn't try, Roma doesn't do anything but look pretty while they talk, when she should be blasting him with whatever power she possesses if she truly gave a shit.

Its all very new agey and you pretty much have to just accept it at face value and as an excuse for Claremont to break out the metaphysical purple prose he loves so much.

Also, Colossus is back. Hooray for the big Russian lummox! I always liked Colossus. He is very tender hearted but he gets frustrated at all the anti-mutant bigotry in Scotland and so he pummels some rubble and takes down a phone booth. COLOSSUS VENTS HIS FRUSTRATION LIKE A BOSS.

Colossus has successfully convalesced from his injuries suffered in the Mutant Massacre (right before he snapped Riptide's fucking neck, ALSO LIKE A BOSS), on Muir Island but now he's ready to rejoin his chums the X-Pals. Luckily, his kid sister Illyana is a sorceress who can teleport him anywhere on the planet by stepping in and out of the demonic parallel dimension of Limbo, over which she has dominion. SEE HOW AWESOME COMICS ARE.

So Colossus shows up right in the middle of an X-Men fight with the sell out dicks, Freedom Force. It's a fun battle and it ends in a draw, with the X-Men seeking cover in Forge's abandoned office building headquarters, Eagle Plaza, with Mystique, leader of Freedom Force and also Rogue's foster mother, as a hostage. Meanwhile, Freedom Force retires without, only with Rogue as a hostage. THE POTENTIAL FOR AGNSTYNESS IS QUITE HIGH.

Also they are in shitty Dallas, home of the buttfucking Dallas Cowboys, and also Madeline Pryor is with the X-Men, because someone has to take care of this ditzy broad after her husband, Cyclops, the best X-Man, dumped her ginger ass.

Also it is snowing. It is because something is, as they say, rotten in Denmark.

Oh, and because I am a big dork, I thought it was amusing when Claremont had Colossus reply to the Blob who had expressed doubt that Colossus was not still injured: "To coin a phrase - I got better!"

So I ran the phrases "I got better" and "to coin a phrase" through Google NGrams and it turns out, Colossus did NOT coin the phrase "I got better", which has been around for at least 200 years and undoubtedly longer than that. And in fact, the phrase "to coin a phrase" is less common in the history of the English written word than "I got better", so really, Claremont totally blew that one. See, here is the graph:

So it looks like I won this test of lameness! WHAMMO!

And then a vagina erupts in the midnight sky and who knows whats pouring out that unholy gash. We'll find out next issue though!

X-Men 224: The Farts Before the Dong

2012-02-11T16:14:00.000-08:00

What we learn this issue besides that the scawiest gang in all of San Fwancisco is called the Bay City Badland Boppers. Oh no! Wun away from the scawee Boppers!

YES I THINK THIS COVER TURNED OUT NICELY.

DESPITE MY FAILURE TO MS PAINT IN SOME MIDDLE FINGERS, FARTS ARE STILL NEVER NOT FUNNY. I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE ON THAT.

I'VE SPENT A LIFE TIME LOOKING AT PORN AND YET I HAVE NEVER SEEN A OLD NATIVE AMERICAN MAN AND YOUNG PUNK ROCK AFRICAN AMERICAN GIRL BONING. WHAT THE HELL PORN? I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS BUT YOU REALLY LET ME DOWN HERE.

THIS IS PRETTY STUPID EXCEPT FOR THE NUMBER OF TONS ROGUE IS LIFTING. OK SO IT'S 100% STUPID. YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU DESERVED THAT ROGUE. YOU BITCH. MYSTIQUE IS YOUR FOSTER MOTHER AND YOU PLAY HER LIKE THAT? THE FUCK?

LIKE THE HUMOR OF FARTS, I WILL NEVER NOT TAKE PLEASURE IN THESE SHOTS OF WOLVERINE PUFFING ON A FATTY.

HEY ITS LIKE THAT FUCKING COVER AGAIN!

Fuckin Storm is just about finished with her Vision Quest. Or what she THINKS is her Vision Quest. Because you see, the old Indian man Naze has been playing her like a fiddle the whole time, feeding her bullshit and making her think that Forge is attempting to unleash hell on earth, and only Storm can stop him and save the world. And Storm just laps it up like vacuous vessel seeking fulfillment form the nearest font of steaming horsehsit, never once hesitating to question the provenance of said fountain of excrement.

STORM YOU IGNORANT SEAWARD.

You see, SPOILER ALERT, Forge is actually trying to SAVE the world, and plug the mystical hole torn into the fabric of reality from which pours and unending stream of satanic demons bent on consuming humanity into a nightmare like scenario unlike anything you can even imagine. And it is Naze who set these horrible machinations in motions.

NAZE YOU DICK.

Also the rest of the X-Men save some rando from a 50's greaser inspired gang called the Bay Side Badland Boppers. THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT? But it's entertaining, and Silvestri continues to shine despite some groaning Claremontisms, like this pud curdling line from Havok: "I project energy plasma in a highly excited state." WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN BILL NYE CAN YOU EXPLAIN MAYBE? And this dorkwad bonanza from Rogue: "Yo short stuff, so like who wants to live forever?" YEAH GOOD QUESTION ROGUE. SHORT STUFF, WE ARE WAITING WITH BAITED BREATH FOR YOUR HOPEFULLY EQUALLY PEARLESCENT RETORT.

Short stuff was Wolverine, by the way. Remember when Wolverine was notable because of how short he was? And not a 6 foot Australian named Huge Ackman?

Anyway, the X-Men decide to ditch San Fran again and go find Storm, who just fucked it all up and stabbed Forge in the chest (wow, really? The coolest thing Storm does and it's to a good guy. THIS IS WHY STORM IS THE WORST X-MAN I'M TELLING YOU) and they've been foreshadowing some big thing happening in Dallas where all the X-Men FUCKING DIE so I guess that's what's happening next.

Marvel even made this tits rocking in house ad for the upcoming story arc.

Looks sick. CANT WAIT. CANT FUCKIN WAIT BRAH.

X-Men 223: Old Men and Poor Tim

2012-01-21T21:33:00.000-08:00

What we learned this issue besides that poor Timmy has a looooooong night ahead for him.

EW MORE PEDOPHILE JOKES? AND WHATS THIS, A SNAKE?

THANKS FOR THE MEAL, STUPID.

BLOB LOOKED AT HIS ASSHOLE IN THE MIRROR ONE DAY. IT BLEW HIS FUCKING MIND.

I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW ABOUT THIS JOKE BUT WHATEVER. I DID IT.

THIS ONE WAS POSSIBLY WORSE, ACTUALLY.

AND SOMETIMES DREAMS DO COME TRUE DUDE. THEY SOMETIMES DO.

LOGAN GETS LIFTED. PUFFING AND PUFFING BUT NO GIVING.

THIS WAS A FAKE AD THAT THEY PUT IN THE ACTUAL ADS OF THE COMIC. ITS AWESOME. THIS IS WHY I LOVE COMICS. I WISH THERE WAS A CAPSLOCK FOR WHEN YOU WERE ALREADY IN CAPSLOCK.

HAHA, SNAKES CAN'T BELCH!

WORD.

HEY HAVOC, WHY DON'T YOU FEED HER SOME BEER. GET HER SLIVERING THIS WAY AND THAT. GET HER ALL FUCKED UP.

Does anyone actually watch Saturday Night Live anymore? It's fucking terrible. There's like one funny bit per thirty minutes. Even though I'm drinking (ROCKFIST), i got so bored I just put on Adam Sandler's They're All Gonna Laugh at You on Spotify. Hence the 'Buffoon' jokes strewn throughout the post.

Whatever, I'll get to the X-Plops already but seriously, who is writing these SNLs? Why does Lorne Michaels allow this? Is he not involved? Can they not find funnier people to write and preform? Do they have funny people but just don't let them be funny? THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS BULLSHIT?

Seth Myers should jump into an open volcano.

Ok, so, X-Pals, this one starts with Freedom Force being all like, yes we'll take this old WWII guys from those issues before. And we'll ask Destiny what she thinks, and Destiny is all like, well I can see into the future and here's what I see: THE X-MEN ALL DIE!!!! Oh my god it's like foreshadowing but when it's way more obvious even.

Then the Blob had the longest pee and Valarie Cooper was his piss pal.

THEN, the Storm, Injun, Vision Quest subplot takes over as the main plot and Naze and Storm trip balls(not making that up) and Storm fights a bear and then a snake but its all in her mind. All part of Naze's master plan to bop the man (here the part of the man is played by the X-Men and the temporal universe).

Also the X-Men hang out and act all agnsty and Havoc and Madalyne Pyror become pals. They share popcorn that tastes like someone jizzed all over it.

Hey, is that Dazzler pissing in that guy's fucking gas tank?

Whoops, quick PS - they just did the 'Technology Hump' bit at the very end of this SNL and a couple parts had me in fucking tears. HEY JUST SHOW SOME SERIOUS TECHNOLOGICAL PENETRATION YOU ASSHOLES. Nicely done. Nicely fuggin done.

X-Men 222: FARTBEAK

2012-01-21T14:48:00.000-08:00

What we learned this issue besides that Scalphunter has some killer boots, man.

WOLVERINE FIGHTING SABERTOOTH ON THE COVER = $ALE$ BITCHES!

ALSO THIS COVER HAS MANY SIMILARITIES TO THE LAST COVER. BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT. WHY DONT YOU BLOG ABOUT IT IF ITS SUCH A BIG GOD DAMN DEAL, DORK.

SPEAKING OF DORKS. CHECK OUT THIS FUCKIN SCHLUB.

I GUESS SOMETIMES, NO DOES MEAN NO.

WHAT GOES BETTER WITH CAMPFIRES THAN BEANS? AMIRITE OR WHAT?

COUSIN TO MAN-BEAR-PIG.

JUST LIKE THE COVER. AGAIN. IM SENSING SOME FUCKIN THEMES HERE.

Another quality issue full of dope art and rad ass fighting and angst and some mystical nonsense in the desert with some Native Americans. OK so I still don't get the whole Native American vision quest, but this time Storm and creepy old balls having possessed former mentor of Forge, Naze, fight some insane shapeshifting giant snakes with the heads of owls and the arms of bears. It's pretty cool, despite making no god damn sense whatsoever.

Except for the ma snake bear owl injun fight (the explanation given is that the mystical world is all fucked up because of Forge and Dr Strange and Dormammu or something, and so evil spirits like the "Eye Killers" are infiltrating the corporal world), the whole issue is the Marauders and the X-men finishing their fight in San Francisco. The mutant friendly cop Lt. Morrel from 30 issues ago even shows up. As do the Japanese kids who made a cameo 40 issues ago after Secret Wars ended and the X-Men got randomly dumped out in Japan. Now those exact same kids are in San Franciso on vacation. Yes the Marvel Universe is a small, small world (and to his credit, Claremont has Rogue make a meta joke to that same effect).

Besides all sorts of slam bang super hero action (that fucks up a good bit of San Francisco and the Golden Gate Bridge just for good measure), the main tension in this issue is between Havoc and Polaris, two reunited lovers at odds against each other because Lorna Dane is possessed by the evil spirit, Malice (or mutant, I'm not actually quite sure what the fuck Malice is). Malice is an evil bitch and cruelly taunts Havoc, who still sports a hulking boner for Polaris, and Malice knows this, flying right above him but out of reach singing, "You will never get theese, you will never get theese! A la la la la-la!"

Claremont impresses with his ingenuity by finding new and interesting ways the various Mutant powers interact in a fight. Though it is kind of cheat having Deus Ex Longshot around to just say, "Oh look, my mutant power, which is LUCK, found some improbable way of saving the day. Good for us."

Also dig the way Claremont plugs his buddy George R.R. Martin's superhero anthology, Wild Cards. This was before A Song of Ice and Fire ever started and way before HBO's mega bad ass adaption Game of Trombones. Haha, the passage of time.

GREAT, MAYBE NEXT WRITE UP WILL JUST BE ALL CURSING AND NONSENSE AND TAKE WAY LESS TIME.

X-Men 221: Def by Lounging

2012-01-21T10:19:00.000-08:00

What we learn this issue besides that Marc Silvestri realized too late that he had drawn Wolverine's left hand in a position that would obscure his face if he had his claws extended and so he had to leave them retracted. Fascinating, I know, right?

HOLY SHIT IT'S BEEN SO LONG THAT I FORGOT THAT I ALREADY "PREPARED" A COVER FOR THIS ISSUE. HERE IS THE ONE FROM 2011.

AND HERE'S WHAT I DID IN THE NEW MAYAN WILLENIUM.

EERILY SIMILAR, NO?

WE FINALLY SEE THAT NASTY TOOTHED FUCKFACE MR. SINISTER. NICE NAME, BRO.

SOUNDS LIKE HE IS A FAN OF THE BEATSIE BOYS. RIGHT ON.

YES, FINE WORK, INDEED.

HEY MAYBE THEY ARE BOTH GAY. THAT WOULD BE COOL WITH ME, MAN.

WHY IS THAT GUY BEHIND HAVOC ALSO IMMUNE TO HIS PLASMA BLASTS?

HOW FUCKING GREAT IS THE TERM, FONZANOON?

Man it has been a really long time. But back in the day I was a student with free time and few responsibilities (that I cared much about). Now I am a busy working man with more responsibilities that I still care little for but fulfill for fear of personal insolvency. But it's also the weekend and I woke up before noon and pumped a bitchload of caffeine into my system so now I'm ready to do this again. So let's fucking do this then!

This is a pretty decent issue, and I am a big of this era of Marc Silvestri's frenetic cartooning. He is a skilled artist of the highest caliber. I saw Silvestri was penciling some Marvel comics again recently but it looks like he's spending way too much time on his drawing and over-delineating everything. Chill out on the cross hatching and get back to the quick and dirty sloppy style that served you so well during your glory days on the X-Men Mr. Silvestri!

Fucking christ that was the most fanboyish bullshit I've ever said in my life! Fuck!

Anyway, We finally see Mr. Gary Sineseter and he looks as ridiculous as his name implies. I believe the reason for this was that Claremont's long term plan for the character was to reveal that his secret identity was that of a troubled youth who gained incredible powers at an early age and was stuck in a state of arrested development. Also he was from the same orphanage of Scott Summers and developed an unhealthy infatuation (homo-crush?) and now goes around in his over the top 'bad guy' persona to fuck with the X-Men all in an attempt to get attention from Cyclops.

Over course Claremont never got around to all that and quit the book before this could be revealed. Subsequent writers inevitably fucked that all up and Mr. Sinister is, as a result, a pretty flawed character.

WHATEVER.

His first action as a bad guy here is to check Sabretooth before he wrecks Sabretooth, establishing his credentials as a seriously superpowered villain. Because if Sabretooth can go to toe to tow with Wolverine, and Mr. Sinister and blithely ruin Sabretooth's shit without breaking a sweat, well then by the transitive property, blah blah blah.

So we learn a bit about Mr. Sinister and the Marauders. Not too much, mostly that they want to kill Madelyne Pryor, who is now an embarrassing loose end after editors demanded Cyclops dump her and their baby to rejoin the old original X-Men in the new comic book, X-Factor.

Storm continues her fairly racist Native American vision quest with the mystical and secretly evil Naze, who also creepily hits on her like some old pedo. Also Dazzler and Rogue snipe at each other like a couple of knitting circle yentas.

Yes there is dysentery amongst the ranks. But they all pull their shit together to stop the Marauders from murdering Pryor. But the battle is still raging at the end of the issue, when the possessed former X-Man Lorna Dane (for serious that is her name) aka Polaris, aka female Magneto, shows up for the first time in a bitchload of issues this time as a villain.

The fight that takes up most of the issue is pretty bad ass and is classic Claremont (rife with Clarmontisms, like calling Dazzler, 'Lightengale', whatever the fuck that means), and there was some interesting things I was going to point out, but I've written enough as it is. And I think I want to go guzzle some more November Juliet (thanks Generation Kill!) and maybe squeeze in another issue. So really its a win win. Fuck yeah we did it.

X-Men 220: Unfinished Blumpkins

2011-10-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue besides that all Native Americans must be imbued with magical powers.

LOOK AT THIS RUH-TARD.

ITS A METAPHOR

HEY WOLVERINE, WHERE'D YOU GET THAT HAT? AT THE JERK HAT STORE WHERE YOU ARE THEIR BEST CUSTOMER?

OH YOU TWO

I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN TO DALLAS BEFORE AND IT ACTUALLY SUCKS WIENERS

PUT SOME CLOTHES ON YOU SAVAGE

WISTFUL GAZING COMES NATURALLY WHEN YOU'RE STONED OFF YOUR GORD.

KEEP SMOKING WOLVERINE YOU ARE A ROLE MODEL FOR US ALL

This was not that sweet of an issue. Mostly a rehash of what happened last time Storm hung out at Forge's stupid Eagle Plaza in stupid fucking Dallas Texas.

But first there is some dream sequence thing were some eagles or hawks or whatever are fucking. Then one of the eagles turns into ROBO EAGLE and kills the mohawked eagle. VERY SUBTLE CLAREMONT.

Then Storm badgers Wolverine, who was last seen losing his god damn mind in the fucking woods, to come back and lead the the X-Men. Yeah that makes sense, lets get the insane berzerker with swords for hands to come lead a team of super heroes at their most vulnerable stage of existence. Storm does this because she wants to go hang out with her fuck buddy Forge, who she is still mad at for creating the gun that stripped her of her mutant powers. HEY STORM, FUCK ON YOUR OWN TIME, YOUVE GOT A SUPER HERO TEAM TO LEAD.

Seriously, nice timing you ovulating cow.

But Wolverine agrees to come back to the team anyway. So I guess he's fucking cured.

Then there's literally 6 pages of Storm walking through a hologram of events that took place 30 issues ago. I guess Claremont has to script everything again and Silvestri had to draw the pages new, but man, it sure did seem lazy. Like in Back to the Future II when Marty McFly witnesses scenes from the first movie. Hey, we already saw that shit, stop ripping us off you lazy creators.

The plot finally moves forward when the Red Indian Naze tells Storm that Forge has gone crazy because she dumped him and the two of them need to team up and save him. But Storm is reluctant to help. Frankly she's being rather cunty about the whole thing. Here's some actual dialog to illustrate my point:

Storm: The devil take you old man!

Old Indian man with the old balls and loose skin: Can't take what's already owned. Reign up woman!

Storm: Go to hades!

Wow, what a potty mouth. Chill out fuckin Storm.

But just as Wolverine acquiesced to Storm's incessant hectoring, so too does Storm relent to the Old Man's bullshit.

BUT THE OLD MAN IS REALLY EVIL.STORM YOU DUMMY, IT'S A FUCKIN TRAP!

The as of yet unseen but forebodingly alluded to ADVERSARY is in possession of Naze, and is tricking Storm into helping him fuck up Forge, who is some Pussy Harry Potter-like wizard shaman guy.

Man, the Adversary, Mr Sinister (who has also been endlessly name dropped but not yet materialized) - looks like it's a bad guys with shitty names convention.

Anyway, kind of a lame issue, like a said, but now things are set up for some serious fighting. Fucking time to get down to biznass X-Men.

X-Men 219: Where Doody Lies

2011-10-22T23:23:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue beside people at the Hellfire Club just seem to enjoy hanging out in thier underwear.

FEAR BONERS

ANOTHER RAPE JOKE

THE FONT IS PROBABLY TOO SMALL

HAVOK WAKES UP, ONLY TO REALIZE......

FOR THE RECORD I AGREE WITH HAVOK.

You know that dumb but catchy song, 'Moves like Jagger'? It's a much better song if during the chorus you substitute the lyrics for these:

You've got nice boobs
I'll have 'em
You've got great boobs
Now wag 'em
You've some BOOooOOooobs
Don't drag 'em

Much better, right?

A decent issue. There's a fill in artist. Brett Belvins, who I enjoy most of the time but he never made the leap to master level skill or recogniztion. As a fill in artist, he's also not as in sync with Claremont's style yet, and you end up with LOTS and LOTS of narration and dialog that explains exactly what all the characters are thinking and doing, like Claremont doesn't trust us to figure out exactly what he wants us to see in the drawings.

Anyway, for reasons that I guess can be chalked up to subtle mind manipulation but is probably just a plot hole or Havok being incomprehensibly retarded, Havok goes off on his own to find the X-Men because he had a bad dream about. He dreamt he got in a fight with them, and normally this trick would be a hackneyed cop out of trying to get heroes to fight each other used many times in comics, however, Havok does eventually find the X-men and does fight them when he finds them.

He also leaves his girlfriend, Polaris, home alone in New Mexico, where is promptly gets attacked by the murderous Marauders. After getting her ass beat up for a while she becomes possessed by the evil psychic entity Malice.

So now the sides have been set up. The all new all different X-Men vol 3 hav trickled in and now they are Wolveroonie, Sighlock, Rowg, Lawngshawd, Bedazzler and now Havok, led by the Mohogged Stormy. Their enemies are the possessed Lorna Dane, aka Malice and the rest of the Marauders. Magneto is a good guy and allies with the Hellfire Club.

Great, looks like its a real fucking comic book we got going. But shit it is late and this entry sucked but I'm goign to go to bed anyway.

X-Men 218: Charged for the Lemonade!

2011-10-22T17:28:00.000-07:00

What we learned this issue besides that the people of Edinburgh are tough and sturdy just like their poops.

HEY IS THAT A YOUNG JOSH BROLIN STARRING IN THIS ISSUE OF THE ALL LEZY EX-MEN?

OH NO THAT JUST FROM HIS ADD FOR 1986 "LEGENDARY" SKATER DRAMA THRASHIN'.

NICE HOUSE, LOSERS.

EVERY TIME DAZZLER TRIED TO NAP UNDER A GIANT MOUND OF BOULDERS SOME STUPID PINK BUTTERFLY HAS TO COME AND DISTURB HER PEACEFUL SLUMBER.

AS RENTON WOULD SAY: IT'S SHITE BEING SCOTTISH.

JUGGS'N'NUTS HATES FUCKING TRUCKS.

READY TO CRASH AND BURN, I'LL NEVER LEARN.

I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT JUGGLEMYNUTS IS ONE FAT FUCK.

THE EX-MEN ARE TEH WINNARS!

Now we're into what is probably my favoritest X-Humans ever. Marc Silvestri is going to rock it out with the superb craftsmanship of an artistic maestro. He's the perfect penciller for the era, as Claremont weaves more mature themes (like all those Morlock's getting executed, for example) but still has plenty off soapy drama and a dash of slapstick. What I'm saying is I would fellate these comics with no hesitation.

We start by checking in on Havok and Polaris, two wayward characters (and lovers) who haven't been used much since the start of Claremont's run like 10 years ago or some such number. They almost crash their stupid jeep but are fine. It's Dazzler who is really fucking, having passed out and then buried alive by Juggernaut somewhere int he middle of nowhere fuckin Scotland.

The X-Men, or what passes for the fuggin Egssmen these days, rescues her, are able to save her, and then immediately head over to Edinburgh to stop the Juggernaut, who is fucking that place up real nice.

Juggs doesn't care much for fighting the three lady X-Men and Longshot, the hunky humanoid alien from another dimension (long story), but they fight anyway. And after destroying a bunch of building, some cars and some train tracks, the X-Menstrations prevail, and Jugsman is hauled off to jail. BUT IT WAS ALL A CLEVER RUSE to distract any super people from Black Tom, Jugg's pal, who was busy plundering the Bank of Scotland.

WAY TO GO, X-LOSERS.

Oh well, build a bridge and get over it X-Ladies. There's plenty more super heroing to do. Especially because Lorna Dane (haha thats really her name) and Alex Summers have discovered a Space Shark filled with killer aliens! Shit!

X-Men Annual 10: Poor Fart Pants

2011-10-22T12:40:00.000-07:00

What we learnt this issue beside hey look there's a family of frog royalty speaking English because why thee fuck not?

This was on of the first X-Pals comic books I ever bought (from the dearly departed Union Flea Market) and also one of my favorites.

Cool story right? The end.

Ok so also it officially introduces Mojo and Longshot to the X-Manos. I would try to explain what the fuck Longshot and Mojo are but it would take fuckin forever so jut go look it up if you're curious. It was a weird time for the X-Men and this is the acme of it's weirdness. The quintessence if you will.

What makes Mojo great is how Claremont uses him as a mouth piece for meta commentary about the X-Men franchise. Despite being a fat, globulous pile of spineless shit, Mojo is basically the OG hipster when it comes to meta.

This issue also had the first appearance of the X-babies, a stupid gimmick but always used for ironical purposes, so it's ok, and featured the artwork of international hall of famer Arthur Adams. Art Adams is fucking great.

Also I hate fucking sports and need to go watch more sports teams lose because thats what being a sports fan is. An unending parade of self inflicted toture and misery. Unless you're an asshole Yankee fan of course. So yeah, enough blogging, more sado-masochistic television viewing.GOD DAMN IT COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS DUMB.

X-Men 217: Molly's Gungepit

2011-10-12T22:43:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue other than that Walt Simonson draw's a really fucking large Juggernaut

WHAT DOES DAZZLER COME UP HIS KNEES THERE?

YOU'LL CATCH YOUR DEATH OUT THERE YOU PURPLE HAIRED NUMBSKULL!

BANSHEE'S HOLDIN.

MUTANT BREAKFAST OF FUGGIN CHAMPIONS.

ROGUE DOESN'T CARE FOR FUGGUN BREGFIZD.

I WISH I WERE AT A TIDDY BAR.

JUGGER'S BLUE BALLS.

All this issue's biznass takes place on fictional Muir Island, where the JV squad is training and chillin out, or in real live Ullapool, where Dazzler goes to blow off some steam. Both locations are in the bumfuck region of the Scottish Highlands, a place where men where skirts and women are fucked only if there are no sheep handy.

The first half is all about the junior squad of Dazzler, Psylocke, Rogue and Longshot getting to know each other and training. Shit, I just realized I need to cover X-Men Annual 10, for the introduction of Longshot to the team. He just sort of plops into the X-Mansion from another dimension, escaping from an obese spineless super villain tv executive named Mojo. It was a weird fucking time period for the X-Men back then.

Nothing all that interesting happens until Dazzler get's all huffy puffy and frigs off on a boat to some shitty fishing village and dances at some bar, where they don't charge for food or drinks but instead ask for donations (great business model!) She has a great time and is about to bone some bald, mustached dork in a kilt before running into Juggernaut. I don't know why Juggernaut is there but I bet it has to do with that asshole Black Tom Cassidy, who is not black, but Irish, FYI.

It's pretty hard to believe that Juggernuts just happens to run into Dazzlur in the middle of fucking NOWHERE, but whatever, its a fucking comic book. So those two fight and Dazzlar gets her butt kicked and passes out from exhaustion trying to stop the unstoppable Juggynuds.

Jackson Guice guest pencils again, this time with Steve Leiahola inking instead of the regular Dan Green, and it's fine. Marc Silvestri, who is awesome, will come on as the regular artist soon. In the meantime we're still in a long stretch of fill-in guys. I get the feeling these were just friends that Claremont and co wanted to give an issue to so they could share in the huge incentive checks the X-men were generating, now that they were the undisputed sales kings.

This was a very typical and enjoyable X-Men issue for the time, lots of soapy drama and some random excuse for a fight scene or two. And holy shit does Claremont pack in the dialogue bubbles and narrator boxes. Probably more exposition than necessary but at least you're getting your money's worth when you "read" these issues.

OK, two entries in one day is more than my usual quota. What a torrid, break neck I am on. I may finish in the next decade yet!

X-Men 216: Cushy Balls

2011-10-12T17:40:00.000-07:00

What we learned this issue besides that there are no dumb bells here there are just my balls.

WOW THIS JUST MAY BE THE SEXIEST ISSUE OF THE SUPER SEXY SEX-MEN EVER!

STORM AND THE ANAL COMMANDER HAVE SOME NICE MOVES.

IT'S LIKE THAT SCENE IN ROBIN HOOD WHEN LITTLE JOHN FALLS IN THE STREAM. JUST STAND UP YOU BIG DUMMY!

LESS ENGINES MORE SEXINS!

ISN'T WOLVERINE SUPPOSED TO HAVE SOME MUTANT POWERS THAT ALERT HIM TO WHEN A GIANT FUCKING TRUCK IS HEADING RIGHT AT HIM?

WALTER WHITE IS FUCKING METAL.

THIS YOUNG LADY IS A REAL POET WHEN IT COMES TO METAPHORS.

THERE IS SEX GOING ON IN LIKE EVER PANEL OF THIS COMIC BOOK!

INCUBUS DID A SONG ABOUT THIS BACK WHEN THEY WEREN'T TERRIBLE.

REALLY THE FUCKING JUST DOES NOT STOP.

Man I did a lot of those relettered panels today. No wonder this shit takes so fucking long to get through.

So Storm is out in the woods with some drug dealing little slit, being hunted by 3 old super powered jagovs. Wolverine can't help though, because he has completely lost his god damn mind. Storm thinks about killing the geezers, but doesn't, even though they want to kill her, and the stupid girl. Improbably she ends up beating them all in a fight and convincing them she will kill them if they don't turn themselves into the police, which they do.

But also the old man in the red suit kills the slut with a knife. And Wolverine just stands around like an asshole and does nothing.

Oh and there really isn't any sex in the issue at all. I just made all that stuff up.

You can see Claremont dealing with the whole established Marvel Universe Super Hero code of conduct. Now that it's the bad ass 80's, comic villains are running around murdering the ever living fuck out of everyone, but all the heroes still have to pretend that killing is wrong, always, no matter what. So Claremont is dealing with the medium maturing (relatively speaking, they're still all fighting crime in spandex, after all), and also Storm and Wolverine are dealing with whether they should be murdering more or not.

It's a pretty nifty comic in that respect. The 3 old geezers sound ridiculous, WWII vets who become disillusioned with the world and all the crime and decide to go all Charles Bronson on the scum of the earth, but also fascinating in a way that only works because its a comic book. It may be a little much to pack into the two issues, though, especially when the drug dealing girl is such an absurd characterture. I don't need The Wire level of humanization but besides turning young children into coke heads, she is also a deranged psychopath her murders people for no reason. I knew some people who sold coke, they weren't homicidal maniacs. Not all of them anyway.

Plus the bloviating between Wolverine and Storm (especially Storm) about whether it's OK to murder or not gets old fast. Less braying, more slaying, hot dig it.

Anyway, Storm and Wolverine dispatch these turkeys and drive off in a truck together, for super sexy sex times one can only assume. Meanwhile Rogue and the cripples are still in Muir Island convalescing as the team slowly disintegrates.

Next Week: The Juggerballs is back!

X-Men 215: Old Soldier's Balls

2011-10-08T14:18:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue besides that Storm just stood there and stared, at his big, beautiful, hairy balls just floppin around holy jeez she wanted to lick em.

OH BOY, MORE ASSHOLES FOR THE SUCKFEST.

LOOK AT THE COLORS ON THAT COVER. IT IS TRULY HIDEOUS.

IN CASE ANYONE WAS UNCLEAR ABOUT CLAREMONT'S INTENTIONS ON USING MADELYN PRYOR AS BACK-DOOR REINCARNATION OF JEAN GREY BEFORE HIS LONG TERM PLANS GOT HIJACKED BY EDITORS.

FOR THE RECORD, WOLVERINE'S BALLS ARE JUST FINE.

OH THESE TWO.

HEY ASSHOLES, HERE ARE SOME MORE ASSHOLES FOR YOUR BIG SUCKFEST TONIGHT.

Storm never should have booked at a room at the International Inn when the big suckfest was going on with all those assholes. Man that's the best part of Reno 911: Miami.

More transitioning this issue, as stuck-as-an-intangible-ghost Kitty Pryde, fucked-the-fuck-up Nightcrawler and stuck-in-metal-form and paralyzed Colossus fly off to Muir Island with Rogue, Dazzler, this fuckin new guy Longshot, and Callisto. So long assholes.

That just leaves Wolverine and shitty, depowered Storm. Wolverine freaks out because he smells Jean Grey, who was ret-conned back to life and is being very slowly reintroduced to X-Bags. She doesn't appear in this comic though. Just her scent. Wolverine is like Multiple Migs from Silence of the Lambs that way. As agent Starling recalled, he can smell her cunt. QUID PRO QUO DOCTOR LECTER.

Wolverine flips out so hard he punches Storm and knocks her old cold (yeah I don't know why either). When Storm wakes up she finds she has been kidnapped by some lunatics who thinks she is a thief and an arson. To punish this criminal, these geezers propose Storm runs into the woods so they can hunt her down and execute her. The crusty old bastards are WWII vets you see, and have super powers, and they are pissed off that the US government told them to retire after WWII ended. So now they murder drug dealers and such.

FUCKING COOL, RIGHT? I wish I was one of these fucked up, geriatric super jerks.

There's a brief fight before they cut Storm and some other random bitch loose for the hunt, but that'll have to wait for next issue. Not an action packed issue but pretty good nonetheless. And Alan Davis' art is excellent.

NEXT ISSUE: NATURE'S DEADLIEST GAME: BONERS.

X-Men 214: Big Phallus For All!

2011-09-26T19:58:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue besides that Dazzler has nice... bewbs....

SO HEY HOW ARE ALL THE X-MEN WHO GOT FUCKED UP IN THE MUTANT MASSACRE AND ARE NEAR DEATH DOING? ANY UPDATES FROM THE DOCTORS ON - AW FUCK IT LETS JUST GO SEE A RUSH COVER BAND!

I THOUGHT GEDDY LEE WAS A WOMAN FOR LIKE, 10 YEARS.

DAZZLER IS TRIPPING BALLS.

LISTEN UP PEOPLE, DON'T TAKE THE PURPLE ACID; YOU'LL HAVE TO GET DOWN OFF THEM TOWERS.

OK SO WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT KITTY PRYDE AND THE REST OF THE WALKING CORPSES, WANTS TO SEE THIS SWEET NEW VIDEO I JUST DOWNLOADED?

THE X-BAGS ARE IN DALLAS AGAIN. I FUCKING HATE DALLAS. GO G-MEN DIE COWGIRLS!

AN IMAGE SO NICE BARRY WINDSOR-SMITH DREW IT TWICE!

THIS IS A REALLY GOOD REPORTER.

PEOPLE ARE BURNING TO DEATH ALL AROUND HIM AND HE'S STILL ABLE TO CALMLY DESCRIBE HIS BIG BEAUTIFUL BALLS. NOW THAT IS A PRO.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS GOING TO LOOK RIGHT BUT I MS PAINTED SOME PROJECTILE VOMITER'S FACE ON WOLVERINE'S. I WANTED IT TO LOOK LIKE HE BARFED ALL OVER STORM'S BEWBS.

SUPPOSED I COULD CLICK THE PREVIEW BUTTON, BUT FUCK THAT SHIT. I OPERATE WITHOUT A NET!

I learned from the googalator that this cover was penciled by Art Adams and inked by Barry Windsor-Smith. Cool. BWS also did all the interior art. BWS fucking owns. I just wish he had actually drawn a panel of Wolverine puking all over Storm's chest.

FUCK! I just realized I spelled 'CHESTY' wrong on the cover. What the fuck does THE CHEASTY X-MEN mean? GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.

Anyway, the Mutant Massacre is over and Colossus, Kitty Pryde and Nightcrawler are too fucked up to fight for the X-Men anymore. So they are replaced by Psylocke and Dazzler, two female mutants from various corners of the Marvel Universe. And because all the original X-Barfs are in the comic book X-Factor, that means it's a real estrogen party at the X-Mansion. Hey did they open up a tuna factory next door or something?

HAHA because their mutant vaginas smell like fish!

Even Calisto, the manish female leader of the now mostly dead Morlocks is hanging around. Wolvie is the lone dude, but he's got enough cock and balls for everyone. You gotta stroke his schlong or at least bite his nut.

Anywho, the evil spirit Malice has possessed Dazzler, who is currently hiding out from the public as the keyboardist for Lila Cheney, another hawty pop star secret mutant. What's next, Miley Cyrus the Space Alien??? Hrmm... uh no. And then they Estrogen-Men fight each other as Malice goes around possessing them all until she (Malice, the discorporeal evil spirit, is also a female mutant, which is determined by I have no idea) tries to seize control of Storm, she of the indomitable will of an African Goddess. Storm beats Malice off and the issue ends with a girl power hug + wolverine. BUT WAIT, Malice is not vanquished, but now inhabiting the body of some mustached SWAT team douche. Oh big shit, he's just some asshole with a gun. YAWN.

Storm's willpower has been used as a mutant ex machina before, most notably with the Space Whales from the first Brood story. Remember the Space Whales? Sure you do. Also in the Doctor Doom/Arcade issues and more recently in the Life-Death issues. STORM HAS THE STRENGTH OF A BEAR. THAT HAS THE STRENGTH OF SIX BEARS!

Next: I think i need to do an annual or something.

X-Men 213: Sigh... Schlock

2011-09-24T00:27:00.000-07:00

What we learned this issue besides the fact that Wolverine and Sabretooth are suuuuuuuper gay for each other.

HAHAHA MAAAAAAAAAAKE OOOOOOOOUT.

HOMOSCHEDULES.

HEY WHATS UP WITH THIS PURPLED HAIRED LADY NAMED SILOCK? SHE TURNS INTO A YELLOW BUTTERFLY AND TRIES TO SEX UP ROGUE? WHAT IS IT THE FUCK?????????

LATER LESBIAN CALLISTO LAMBASTES LOSER LEADER STORM

YOU GIVE CALLISTO THAT FUCKIN BURGER, AND YOU DO IT NOW!

MAGNETO IS LIKE, Y'ALL BEST SLIDE UP ON MY PIECE LIKE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, F'REAL, YO.

FUCK LAS AINGALEES.

SHIT THAT SHOULD SAY THESE NOT THIS. FUCKING DAMN IT.

DON'T FORGET ALISON FUCKIN BLAIRE'S RETURN TO THE FUGGIN EGGSMEN THRU THE SHEER WILL OF HER DESIRE OF A DEEP DUECE DICKING.

CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW FUCKIN WACK THE FUGGIN AETIES WERE?

OH AND SABRETOOTH WRECKS HOUSE FOR A WHILE

YOU NOTICED THE BONER I ADDED, RIGHT? YEAH, YOU NOTICED.

HAVE SOME GOD DAMN TACT FOR ONCE WHY DON'T YOU FUGGIN MAGNEETOGA

FUGGIN PLANTS N SHIT EVRYWARE.

SO MUCH SLOBBER.

LISTEN: SMOKING CIGARETTES MAKES YOU COOL. ITS A SAD FACT BUT IT'S TRUE.

THESE BITCHES AGREE ANYWAY.

OK so mostly this was Pyslocke's introduction to the eggsmans but also the wrap up for the mutaint mASSacre. the mutie massacre was the first big xover and it was awesome but it also lacked in many ways. it didnt flow well, it added tie ins for reasons of creator friendship and not for story purposes (Thor had no business being part of this story, nor Power Pack. The whole business was a Weezie + Walt Simonson and Claremont friendship pals for comics party). I definitely forgot what i was talking about just now

Listen it is because I've been drinking.

OK so the cover is all about sabraytoots and woolveaine chomping on each other's flesh but really psyloch fights more with psabertooth than wolfiereene. and its basically the end of the Morlocks as a huge community and now they'll just pop up ever now and then at Moira MacTaggart's Scottish land of stupid mutant dikheads.

allright i need to go to bed. Fun issue. Good fight between beastie sons of bitches with claws and shit. and psylocke FOCUSES THE TOTALITY OF HER PSYCIC POWERS. Except not yet. That Claremontism is saved for later,

OK BED TIME GOD DAMN IT.

X-Men 212: The Gassed Rump

2011-09-21T20:42:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue besides that Wolverine is a little gassy lately. Probably from that nasty chili he ate, which is most likely what made him blow up that toilet so bad that it looked like a god damned holocaust.

SEE, EVEN WOLVIE SAYS IT WAS PROLLY THE CHILI WHAT DID IT.

THINK WOLVERINE LIKES TO POOP IN AN EMPTY TER-LET? PLAP!

ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENED IS THE X-MEN ARE ALL FUCKED UP AND WOLVERINE IS GOING OUT HUNTING IN THE MORLOCK TUNNELS SOLO. HE'S RIDIN SOLO, HIS TIE'S A BOLO, HIS CUP'S A SOLO

KITTY PRYDE IS STUCK IN HER PHASING GHOST FORM BUT SHE CAN STILL GIVE COLOSSUS A BONER.

STORM CAN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURE OF BEING THE LEADER OF THE X-MEN WHILE SO MANY MUTANTS ARE SLAUGHTERED AND HER MIND POPS LIKE A ZIT.

UGLY LESBIAN MUTANT CALLISTO HAS TO BEAT SOME SENSE INTO HER.

THEIR FIGHT IS MIRRORED BY SABRETOOTH AND WOLVERINE'S FIRST FIGHT SCENE IN THE PAGES OF A COMIC BOOK.

BOTH OF THEM LOOK READY TO RRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUMBEEEEEEEEEEELLL!

The X-Mean are all fucked the fuck up but Wolverine still has enough gas left in the tank to rip some solid farts and to have a tumble with Savorytoof. They slash each other up but Savortoot is clearly bigger and stronger and likeS murder more so Wolvee just runs away, or "rabbits" as Claremont would say.

Psylocke is also introduced to the X-Males for the first time, at least in Uncandy Eggsmen. I think Claremont just read about her in Marvel UK's Captain Britain comics and was like, OK PURPLE HAIRED TELEPATH YOU ARE MINE NOW. YOU BELONG TO ME.

You know why so many super heroines have crazy colored hair? Like Polaris' green hair and Jean Grey's red hair and now Psylocke's purple hair? Because then the artists dont have to work so hard to distinguish the characters by drawing, the colorist will just mark them with their hair. Which is why Cyclops and Iceman look like twins when they're in civilian clothes. Call it the "South Park effect" if you want to get cute with it AND WHY NOT GET FUCKING CUTE WITH IT?

Anyway, the issue also owns because of the fight of claws and shit and because there are just dead bodies piled up everywhere. Fucking corpses strewn about the sewers of New York. MUTANT CORPSES all laying around like fucking garbage.

And Rick Leonardi did the art and it is excellent. NEXT ISSUE: MORE FUR WILL FLY AS WOLVERINE AND SABRETOOTH POKE MORE HOLES IN EACH OTHER. AND THEN FUCK THOSE HOLES THAT THEY JUST POKED. HAHA NO THEY DON'T THAT WOULD BE FUCKING SICK. EW, GROSS.

X-Men 211: ASS ACRE Mmm.....

2011-09-19T19:59:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue because know we know, 'cause we're John Doe, in a black bag a tag on our toe.

IT'S JUST ANOTHER BODY MURDER!!!

WOLVERINE WANTS BLOOD. LOOK AT HIM. READY FOR SOME ULTRA VIOLENCE FOR SURE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY WARREN BUFFET IS THERE EITHER BUT HE SEEMS TO BE HAVING A GOOD TIME.

ANYWAY, SO THE MARAUDERS ARE JUST RUNNING AROUND THE MORLOCKS' SECRET TUNNELS KILLING THE DICK OUT OF EVERYONE.

I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING. THIS GUY SCALPHUNTER HAS BIG GUNS AND HE LOVES POINTING THEM AT PEOPLE AND PULLING THE TRIGGER TILL IT GOES CLICK.

MEANWHILE, THE X-FELLERS ARE JUST SHOOTIN THE BREEZE OUT ON THE OLD FARM, USING THREE BLADES TO CUT A PITCHFORK INTO FIVE PIECES SOMEHOW.

SERIOUSLY, FART THE HECK?

THEN SOME GIANT PURPLE COW MUTANT BURROWS ALL THE WAY TO THE X-MANSHUN, TELL THE X-HOLES ALL THE MORLOCKS ARE GETTING MASSACRED AND THEN DIES. GROSS.

THE X-DONGS FINALLY DRAG THEIR LAZY ASSETS TO THE TUNNELS AND START FIGHTING THE MARAUDERS. IT'S A GOOD FIGHT. AND SCALPHUNTER SHOWS HE REALLY DOES LOVE SHOOTING PEOPLE WITH HIS AWESOME GUNS.

THERE IS A STUNNING AMOUNT OF VIOLENCE IN THIS ISSUE.

INCLUDING THE 3 MOST BAD ARSE PANELS COLOSSUS WILL EVER BE IN.

HOO BOY THAT ARE DROPPIN BODIES IN THIS ISSUE!

Seriously, this issue is incredible. It's just brutal murder after brutal murder. The Marauders show up and start annihilating the Morlocks, then the X-Men show up and they get punished, then the X-Men manage to slaughter a Marauder or two.

The art definitely suffers with Brett Blevins handling a lot of the pages, and while I often enjoy his work here he looks lost. This may have been a deadline rush job which may explain the often confusing flow and puzzling artistic choices. The Marauders outfits, for example, are all over the place and generally a mess. But whatever, there is still ownage dripping from just about every panel.

Also importantly to continuity, Nightcrawler and Shadowcat get pummeled so badly they never again fight for the X-Men until after they've frigged off to England to be in the super hero group Excalibur for like ten more years.

Anyway, now Wolverine is hella pissed and he's going to spend all next issue lurking about the tunnels sniffing out vengeance. I can't wait to see if he finds any!

X-Men 210: The Morning After Pill

2011-09-16T15:00:00.000-07:00

What we learned this issue besides that Wolverine needs to start learning those new fancy forms of birth control, like pulling out.

THE COVER OF THIS ISSUE IS TOTALLY FUCKING BAD ASS. LOOK AT THE FUCKING COVER. JUST LOOK AT IT.

FUCKING SEVERE.

RACHEL "PHOETUS" SUMMERS IS STILL MISSING. HOORAY! BUT ROGUE IS STILL LOOKING FOR HER. BOO! BUT ROGUE IS A DITZY BROAD AND GETS SIDETRACKED BY A SHOPPING TRIP TO BLOOMIES AND A STOP AT THE MAKE UP COUNTER. I'M NOT EVEN JOKING, LOOK!

DAZZLER, LAST SEEN IN THE PAGES OF THIS COMIC MAGAZINE DURING THE DARK FETUS SAGA, IS MUSICIAN IN LILA CHENEY'S BAND. A BAND FULL OF HOT MUTANT BABES AND A FEW DUDES. KIND OF LIKE S CLUB 7!

KITTY IS STILL TOTALLY CREAMING OVER COLOSSUS.

THE HELLFIRE CLUB OFFERS MAGNETOE A SPOT IN THEIR INNER CIRCLE OF EVIL MUTANTS AND HE'S ALL LIKE, I'LL THINK ABOUT IT, RIGHT AFTER YOU LICK THE NON-FERROUS MATERIAL OFF MY BIG HAIRY MAGNET BALLS. AND THE HELLFIRE CLUB IS ALL LIKE, YEAH OK THAT'S FAIR.

SOME RAYCESS HUMANS ARE OUT TO KICK NIGHTCRAWLER'S FURRY BLUE BUTTCAKES!

THEN KITTY PRYDE GETS ALL PUFFED UP AND TAKES DOWN A BALDING CRACK SNIFFING GEEZER. I MEAN SHE JUST UNLOADS ON THIS FUGGIN GUY.

THE LAST PAGE IS ALSO A TOTAL FUCKING NUT TWISTER. I MADE IT ALL EXTRA LARGE WITH BLOGGER'S NIFTY NEW FEATURES. HOLY SHIT I FEEL LIKE A REAL PROFESSIONAL NOW. SO READ THIS PAGE, IT OWNS.

This issue is the official start of first official X-Mens comic book crossover, or X-Over, as industry wags have so dorkily dubbed them. The x-over (what, I'm a dork too) is called the Mutant Massacre, it is totally awesome. The premise is simple, there are too many Morlocks living in the tunnels beneath Manhattan and they are an inconvenient plot point for the X-Men and their associated books (which now include the New Mutants and X-Factor). So Claremont invents a team of bad guys to go into the tunnels and kill all the Morlocks. AND THEY DO. (spoiler alert)

LIKE HOW THEY FUCKING EXECUTED THAT POOR INNOCENT DEFENSELESS TEENAGE GIRL MUTANT THERE. WITH A MOTHERFUCKING SHOT GUN NO LESS. BOOM, SON!

Yes that's right. This comic book has been without a doubt born again hard. They just let the Cunt Penny Sex Mens into their beloved corp.

This issue was probably the first X-Men comic book I ever read. I was 5 or something when it came out and it was part of 2 dozen or so dog-eared and spine-rolled comics from the mid 80's that me and my brother re-read over and over again. As you can imagine, seeing all sorts of heavy shit go down was enough to blow my tiny little prepubetic mind and I was hooked pretty early. That's what comic fans today don't get. You don't hook kids on comics early with age appropriate stuff. They already have fucking cartoons for that. More cartoons then they could ever watch. You use comics as the back door gateway to adult material and themes they otherwise wouldn't be able to experience. FUCK IT JUST GIVE KIDS PORNO ITS FINE.

Anyway, most of the rest of the issue is just the X-Turds regrouping after the huge fight with Nimrawd and also dealing with Rachel basically deserting the team, even though she only did so after Wolverine shoved his adamantium claws into her abdomen.

Shit is most assuredly about to get fucked up, and the rest of Claremont's run through the 1980's is mostly X-Men getting fucked with and living on the run or in exotic locales and none of this bald crippled professor barking orders at them in a classroom bullshit. So it's going to totally rock tits.

X-Men 209: Sal's Haitian

2011-08-15T19:11:00.000-07:00

What we learned this issue besides that Salvatore has a thing for French speaking Caribbean ladies.

BIG PINK ROBOTS + X-MENS + MORLOCKS + HELLFIRE CLUB = FIGHT!

MUTANTS OF THE WORLD UNITE. PROLETARIAT X-BAGS AND BOURGEOIS HELLFIRE PIGS AND LITERAL SEWER DWELLING SLUDGE BUCKET MORLOCKS TEAM UP TO DEFEND THEMSELVES AGAINST A FASCIST PINK ROBOT DEATH DEALER.

THE HELLFIRE CLUB HAS LOW ADMISSION STANDARDS. THEY LET IN THIS DOPEY FATSO WITH A HANDLE BAR MUSTACHE.

ALSO SEBASTIAN SHAW MAY BE A RICH AND POWERFUL INDUSTRIALIST ALPHA MUTANT, BUT HE'S ALSO WEARING A PURPLE JUMPSUIT AND THIGH HIGH LIME GREEN BOOTS AND GLOVES. WHAT THE HELL MAN.

WOLVERINE AND NIGHTCRAWLER GO OUT CRUISING.

KITTY'S ALL MAD RACHEL SUMMERS IS NOT HELPING. AH DUH, WOLVERINE JUST STABBED HER GUTS OUT LIKE 20 MINUTES AGO, CUT HER SOME FUCKIN SLACK YA FUCKIN BITCH.

RACHEL SUMMERS FUCKS OFF TO SPIRAL'S MAGICAL FANTASY 'BODY SHOPPE' AND BLAH BLAH BLAH, UPSHOT IS SHE LEAVES THE BOOK PRETTY MUCH FOREVER. HOORAY!

THAT DICKHEAD FRED VON ROEHM GETS TOTALLY FUCKINGN VAPORIZED.

HAHA. SUCK ONE, FATSO.

NIMROD DOESN'T PLAY. LUCKILY COLOSSUS ALSO KEEPS IT REAL.
NIMROD IS ALMOST COMPLETELY FRAGGED BUT THEN TELEPORTS RIGHT BEFORE WOLVERINE CAN FINISH HIM OFF. AND FORMER ENEMIES ARE FWENDS... UNTIL NEXT TIME!

Another kick ass issue. Nimrod, that big pink fucker, wants all mutants dead, so assholes X-Men and fuckstick Hellfire club team up. No X-Men die but Nightcrawler gets pretty badly fucked up. But Von Roehm is toast and Harry Leland dies of a heart attack. What a fucking loser. What super villain dies from cardiac arrest? Seriously. Total loser.

The action cuts back and forth between the epic battle in the Rambles of Central Park (big deal, I've been there, I think anyway), and Rachel Summers slowly losing her mind with the help of Spiral's nefarious influence. Phoenix never fit in with the X-Dongs, or really in the whole era, so she's easily manipulated by another random appearance of uber plot contrivance character, Spiral, and her magics. The real reason Rachel just kind of walks right out of the book is because A) she's too powerful to the next storyline - she'd just stop the bad guys and the crossover would be finished, and B) her "mom" Jean Grey is back with her "dad" Cyclops and the new series, X-Factor, and the meeting between Rachel and her two "parents" needs to be delayed for a while.

So Rachel Summers is the fuck out of here, yeah! Have fun in stupid Excalibur that I never read even though it was also written by Chris Claremont and I heard it was pretty good. But fuck all that shit.

Anyway, the little two issue fight with Nimballs is over and it was pretty dope. I think Nipsrod shows up later but I don't remember much. AND NEXT ISSUE we start seeing the Morlocks get their shit completely and thoroughly ruined in the MUTANT MASSACRE. X-Men 210 is also the first X-Mans comic book that I read, as it was part of the first batch of comics me and my older brothers read that is in totally fucked up shape right now. I was 5, but I still knew it was awesome.

And Claremont has now been writing the X-Pals for 10 god damn years. Holy shit. And I've been writing this motherfucking blog for like 21 months. WELL FUCK MY SACK.

X-Men 208: Retro Douche'n

2011-08-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

What we learned this issue besides that Wolverine failed his ethics exam.

WHELP, LOOKS LIKE WOLVERINE IS TOTALLY FINE ABOUT STABBING PHOENIX' GUTS OUT. HE REALLY DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.

THEN CHECK OUT WHAT HE DOES TO POOR KITTY PRYDE.

G'HEAD, AKS WOLVERINE IF HE GIVE A MUTHAFUCK, CUZ HE DON'T.

SELENE IS ONE HOT SUPER VILLAIN. UNTIL SHE RUNS LOW ON LIFE ENERGY. DRAIN THOSE SOULS BITCH YOU IS LOOKIN BEAT UP AND THEN SOME.
WELL LA DI DA, THE FUCKING HELLFIRE CLUB HAS MOVED ON UP TO THE EAST SIDE. THEY EVEN HAVE FIGHTS OUTSIDE THE GUGGENHEIM. WELL AINT YOU THINK YO SHIT IS SMELLIN ROSEY NOW ISNT YOU?
RACHEL WHINES, STORM PREVARICATES, WOLVERINE OWNS AND KITTY PRYDE MOPES.

THEN THEY GO TOE TO TOE, BLOW FOR BLOW, HO FOR HO WITH THE FUGGIN HELLFIRE CLUB, THOSE STUCK UP, NO GOOD, GOOD FOR NOTHING, MARK ASS PLUTOCRATS.

Turns out Wolverine didn't actually kill Rachel Summers, in case you didn't see that coming. But he does fuck her shit up pretty bad. The other X-Masturbaters chase after her with some of the stupid fucking Morlock (don't worry, they are gonna get theirs most swiftly, no doubt), but the Hellfire Club are after them too. There's a nifty fight with Selene, Sebastian Shaw, Harry Leland, some schmuck named Von Rohm or something, and some Hellfire Club flunkies vs the X-Bags, Callisto and Caliban (who sucks).

The Hellfiremen have a weird mix of powers so Claremont does a decent job keeping the fight interesting. And the X-Wads basically get their butts kicked. It's entertaining though.

And despite the stupidity of Wolverine, who 'murders' Phoenix so she won't murder Selene, who then escapes and murders two innocent people (OK a mugger and an innocent jogger), I dug some of the verbose moralizations going on. I guess Wolvo was worried Phoenix was going to turn into Dark Phoenix, like Jean Grey, but then why didn't Wolverine get worried when Phoenix powered up to take on the fuckin Beyonder a few issues ago?

I don't know, fuck it. Claremont did a decent enough job with all the angsty dialog, and he's pushing the boundaries with some of the sequential art bits. All avant gardey and shit.

SO ANY WAY, I LIKED THIS ISSUE.

THEN THAT GAYWAD NIMROD SHOWS UP IN THE LAST PANEL. NIMROD IS CLEARLY A GAY ROBOT AND HE FUCKING HATES MUTANTS. HEY, JUDGE NOT ET CETERA ET CETRA FRUITY.
Nexth isthue is going to be abstholutely fabulousth!

X-Men 207: Ghostse.cx

2011-08-08T20:59:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue which does not include just how exactly we are able to see Wolverine slice through the cover.

THIS ISSUE IS MOSTLY ABOUT PHOENIX II AKA RACHEL SUMMERS, BUT THEY SURE AS SHIT DON'T PUT HER ON THE COVER, BECAUSE SHE HAS A TERRIBLE HAIRCUT AND SUCKS AT EVERYTHING.

RACHEL HAS NIGHTMARES, IN WHICH WOLVERINE JUMPS AROUND AFTER HER LIKE A GOD DAMN SPASTIC CASE.
TOO BAD THIS IS JUST A DREAM SEQUENCE.
RACHEL HAS BEEN POSSESSED AND BEEN MADE TO DO TERRIBLE THINGS, BUT ALSO HAS THE ABILITY TO POSSES OTHER PEOPLE WITH HER MUTANT POWERS. SO HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO THE REAL RACHEL SUMMERS IS?
HOLY SHIT CHECK OUT THAT RAD SYMBOLISM!
THIS IS THE PUNK ERA OF X-FASHION.

Overall this was an effective issue, despite starring total loser Rachel Summers on almost every panel. Here's a typical scene with Rachel Summers. "Oh boo hoo, I'm from an alternate future and no one understands me here. Boo hoo, back in my past which is an alternate future to this present, I had to wear freaky S&M costumes and hunt down other mutants. Boo hoo some stupid wop died last time I was in SOHO and it's all my fault. WAAAAAAAH!"

Would you like some cheese with that whine? Huh, some fucking cheese to shove in your stupid whiny trap to shut you the fuck up forever maybe? Huh? Bitch? Some fuckin cheese?

"Wine was invented by the Romans. For orgies. But orgies are not so much fun when no one wants to do it with you." - Dr Steve Brule.

Right, anyway, there are some decent scenes too. Like when Rachel is dreaming about her old life in the future's past and is all - "oh, so everything was just a dream, has to be otherwise I'm fucking crazy" - it's cool because it's a 12 Monkeys scenario before 12 Monkeys was a movie.

And also Wolverine gets to act like a bad ass, especially in the dreams, and fulfill all of our fantasies (OK at least mine) and stab stupid Phoenix II to death.

And Phoenix has a decent battle with Selene in the Hellfire club. Bunch of fetishists at that fucking place man. And those stupid ass Morlocks in their ridiculous, impossible underground lair are there for some reason.

Then Wolverine, not in a dream, stabs Rachel Summers in the guts to keep her from killing Selene. But first he plays another around of Bird Game!

No really though, the cliffhanger is Wolverine snikting his claws in to ginger mullet head to prevent her from committing murder. Not sure your logic is sound there, Wolvie, but I stand by your efforts!

LETS HOPE THAT STUPID BITCH DIES NEXT ISSUE!!!

X-Men 206: Poo Poo Caca is a four letter word

2011-08-05T22:52:00.000-07:00

What we learned this issue besides San Francisco is an ideal setting for the gay adventures of the X-Mensth

STORM HAS NO POWERS BUT STILL MANAGES TO FUCK UP A GAGGLE OF YOUNG TOUGHS.

THEN SHE GIVES SAN FRAN POLICE LIEUTENANT BREE MORREL THE STINK FINGER.

THEN SHE TUT-TUTS KITTY PRYDE SEXY OUTFIT AND SLEAZY DATE. WHAT A SQUARE.

STORM IS A STUPID BITCH.

RACHEL SUMMERS HAS A CREW CUT, RATAIL AND PARACHUTE PANTS ON, THIS TIME WITH SUSPENDERS! GOD SHE BLOWS.

SPIDER-WOMAN, WHO I GUESS IS A BAD GUY, CREATED A PSYCHIC NET TO ENSNARE COLOSSUS AND ROGUE. COLOSSUS AND ROGUE ARE HAVING NONE OF IT AND FUCK SPIDER-WOMAN'S PSYCHIC NET RIGHT UP. CLASSIC CLAREMONT DIALOG ENSUES!

"THE WEB SHE CASTS IS PSIONIC, A CREATION OF HER THOUGHTS-- AND ITS SUDDEN, VIOLENT DISCORPORATION STRIKES HER LIKE A PHYSICAL BLOW. THERE'S A FLASH OF LIGHT-- ON THE PORCH AND IN HER MIND-- AND THEN BLESSED OBLIVION."

THANK GOODNESS FOR THE BLESSED OBLIVION THAT FOLLOWS THE PAINFUL BLOW OF HAVING ONE'S PSIONIC NET RIPPED APART. SWEET SWEET BLESSED OBLIVION.

KITTY PRYDE GETS HER SHIT RUINED.

EVERYONE CELEBRATES THE END OF THE FIGHT BY ACTING LIKE A BUNCH OF STUPID JAGOVS.

NIGHTCRAWLER IS RIDIN DIRTY.

Yeah! Now this is what I'm talking about. Wall to wall, balls to balls, four on the floor big beat action. The last two thirds of the book is all X-Men fighting Freedom Force, formally the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants who were so evil they finagled a pardon out of the government and pretend to be good guys when really they just want to fuck up the X-Men and shit. And they pretty much beat the hell out of the X-Men here.

My only gripe about the fight is Claremont uses the whole, can't move the Blob but you can move the ground underneath him bullshit tactic again. Whatever.

And Jessica Drew is in the issue for some reason. Jessica Drew I think was the original Spider-Woman but now shes a depowered human who gets mad at this bad guy Spider-Woman who's on Freedom Force and I know nothing about. Jessica Drew has been kicked around several corners of the Marvel Universe and now I hear she's getting a live action TV Show on a network.

Well GOOOOOOoood for YOOOOOuuuu.

More hilarious 80's fashion from mediocre John Romita Jr. Some other subplots inch forward. But mostly it's fighting. POW! BAM! BIFF! Take that bad guys!

Now to order dominoes and watch Breaking Bad. Yes I lead an enviable life. Try not to hate.

ANYWAY, THAT'S THE END OF THE X-MEN IN SAN FRANCISCO FOR LIKE TWENTY YEARS. SEE YOU IN HELL SAN FRAN!

X-Men 205: Wolf, there it is

2011-07-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

What we learned this issue besides that I just saw that commercial about the phones where they talk about the song Whoomp There It Is.

BARRY WINDSOR-SMITH (BWS) FUCKING WRECKS HOUSE ALL ISSUE. HE PENCILS, INKS AND COLORS THE SHIT OUT OF THIS BITCH. WAY TO GO BARRY.

WOLVERINE ALSO KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF SOME TRIFLING CYBORG BITCHES.

ITS THE SAME CYBORGS THAT WERE ONCE THE HELLFIRE CLUB FLUNKIES THAT WOLVERINE RIPPED TO PIECES WAY BACK DURING THE DARK PHOENIX SAGA. WOLVERINE JUST KEEPS FUCKING KILLING THEM. WOLVERINE IS NEVER NOT SLICING UP COLE, MACON AND REESE (THOSE ARE THE CYBORG'S NAMES, FYI).

SOME LITTLE SLUT FROM POWER PACK IS ALSO THERE FOR SOME REASON.

WOLVERINE WANDERS AROUND DAZED AND MOSTLY NAKED FOR MOST OF THE ISSUE.

LADY DEATHSTRIKE (LOOK HER UP ON WIKIPEDIA, I HAD TO), WANTS REVENGE ON WOLVERINE AND SO TAKES HER TEAM OF CYBORGS AROUND TRYING TO KILL HIM. SHE IS NOT AN ATTRACTIVE CYBORG KILLING MACHINE.

IF YOU'RE WONDERING IF I ENJOYED THIS ISSUE SINCE IT WAS SO FULL OF CYBORGS: I DID!

I DIDN'T EVEN PUT A STUPID FUCKING CAPTION ON THAT SCANNED IMAGE BECAUSE IT WAS JUST THAT FUCKING BAD ASS!

SERIOUSLY, LOOK AT ALL THAT FUCKING BLOOD!

THEN WOLVEROONIE AND THE LITTLE GIRL HOLD HANDS LIKE A COUPLE OF PUSSIES.

This issue ruled for obvious reasons. The Power Pack girl was useless and Claremont's text was often pretty useless (why have someone's thoughts narrate exactly what we see on the page? useless), but its 24 pages of BWS's Wolverine fucking up gun toting cyborgs. What's not to love?

It's not really explained how Spiral magics adamantium claws and a cyborg body onto Lady Deathstrike, who I guess used to be a more normal female villain that Claremont and BWS decided they would appropriate and cyborg up for their own purposes, but she does and that's probably why Spiral exists, to magic around pesky plot points. Claremont and BWS also made Cole, Macon and Reese a lot cooler looking and ditching their allright but uninspiring Hellfire Club goon kits.

Besides the new and badder assed villains, nothing terribly significant happens in this issue. Eventually Wolverine and the kid prevail and beat the bad guys. It's never explained how this fight starts but its not really important. Or maybe it is explained and I forgot already.

Point is, Wolverine's claws go SNIKT when they extend and SNAKT when the retract.

WOLVERINE FUCKS SHIT UP. THIS IS KNOWN.

X-Men 204: Where the frig, Nightcrawler?

2011-07-19T18:35:00.000-07:00

What we learned this issue besides what the motherfuck happened to motherfucking Nightcrawler.

Actually I never found out what happened to Nightcrawler. He was in some miniseries that I never read and will most likely never read either. Claremont didn't write it so who gives a shit, right? Not fucking me, that's who. Anyways.

NIGHTCRAWLER LOVES TO BROOD AND IMPERSONATE GARGOYLES AND POOP.

NIGHTCRAWLER'S NAME IS WAY TOO LONG. THAT IS GOING TO GET ANNOYING.

NIGHTDUMPER BREAKS UP WITH HIS HOT ASS STEWARDESS GIRLFRIEND. WHO IS ALSO HIS STEP SISTER. AND IS ALSO A WITCH. FUCKIN COMICS, AMIRITE?

SOME COED JOGGER NEEDS SOME AMODIUM

ARCADE IS IS STILL COMPLETELY WACKJOB.

REAL DIALOGUE TAKEN FROM THE BOOK VERBATIM: "BACK OFF YOU BRAWNY, BRUTAL, BACK-STABBING BOZOS!" YOU TELL 'EM NIGHTPOOPER!

YOU CAN EASILY THINK OF SOME RACIAL SLURS TO GO SOMEWHERE IN NIGHTCRAWLER'S NAME, BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE INDULGING IN RAYCESS JOKES RIGHT NOW.

This issue is all over the place. Claremont's basically turned the X-Men into an anthology series at this point. With so many characters and storylines being juggled at once, he looses track of the main narrative. Part of that is due to those bullshit Secret Wars crossovers, part of it is Claremont's been writing X-Men for close to 10 years now. The disjointed feeling is exacerbated by the fill in artists. Some fucking guy called Brigman who I know nothing about (though it's inked by future super star, now pedestrian workman, While Portacio) pencils this ish. He's aight.

It's not necessarily a bad thing but this issue doesn't shine. Mostly is molders. After abruptly breaking up with his girlfriend, Amanda Sefton, who isn't seen again for a while, Nightcrawler goes on a solo adventure with some random chick named Judith, who is kidnapped by Arcade, that stupid asshole who Claremont seems to have a boner for.

They then fight 19th Century mounted Calvary, WWI bi-planes, a shark, Mad Max style dune buggies and a pack of modern day knife wielding Asian gangsters. Oh and Arcade wears a dress for some reason.

But Nightdonger saves the day, then there's some weird ass cliffhanger, and next issue is another Barry Windsor-Smith issue. So I don't know.

Oh, and there's a very blatant coloring mistake where Colossus' face is all fleshy when's is armored up (well it's a robot Colossus but still).

Anyway, C, C-. 72/100. Next.

X-Men 203: CROTCHLOADS

2011-07-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue besides that Rogue's hairdo for some reason changed from Paulie Walnuts to Pepe Le Pew.

ROGUE HATES SAN FRANCISCO. BUT SHE APPARENTLY LOVES GUM.

KITTY PRYDE IS WEARIING ARMOR AND WIELDS SOUL CALIBER. IT IS ASSUMED THAT MEANWHILE HER SOUL STILL BURNS.

WOLVERINE HAS BECOME A FAN FAVORITE X-MAN. GEE I WONDER WHY.

IT IS BECAUSE HE IS A TOTAL BAD ASS, OBVIOUSLY.

EVERYONE HAS A MULLET.

STORM STILL BLOWS.

UATU THE WATCHER IS A FAT MOON DWELLING FUCK.
MORE CHINS THAN A CHINESE PHONEBOOK, AMIRITE?

THE STARJAMMERS STILL DRESS LIKE TOTAL SPACE FAGS.

THE PHOENIX FORCE IS FELLING A LITTLE BLOATED.

THE BEYONDER IS STILL A TOTAL PUSSY.

This wasn't necessarily a bad issue, but it definitely was a boring one. Besides the flashback of Rogue fighting the original Ms Marvel, there is zero fighting in the book. It's all a bunch off talk about life. And the totality of the universe. And how each living being is a special special candle whose flame should never be extinguished.

There really is a fuck ton of text involving candles as lives metaphors. And the Bryonder doesn't understand humans or the rest of the universe. And the word TOTALITY is used a few more times. It's vintage Claremont and I can't say it isn't corny and doesn't over use the word totality (Claremont loves this word like a pedo loves the boy scouts) but it's still pretty heady stuff, and any existential ruminations or metaphysical quandries found in the BAM BIFF POW - HEY KIDS COMICS! era is admirable.

Anyway, Rachel Summers sorbs up all the X-Bag's life forces and goes to take down the Beyonder once and for all. But that would mean destroying the universe. So, um, obviously Rachel doesn't do it, because, um, well duh. Then everyone stands around talks about why living is good and why killing the universe is a bad idea.

Then they all go out of ice cream! Yea! Who wants ice CREAM!

Actually the events are supposedly concluded in Secret Wars II, but I'll be dipped in doo doo before I track down that piece of shit miniseries. So who knows what happens to the douche bag Beyonder. Its not even worth looking up on Wikipedia. What a seriously terrible idea that guy was.

OK, time for watch more Wire. THE GAME IS THE GAME. GOT THAT PANDEMIC. BALMER MARELYN IS A REAL FUCKING SHIT HOLE!

X-Men 202: X-MEN... I'VE GONE TO KILL -- SOME MASSIVE TOOL WITH A JHERI CURL

2011-07-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue besides REALLY Jim Shooter? The Beyonder? AGAIN? REALLY?

OH BOY THAT FUCKING OMNIPOTENT ASSWIPE THE BEYONDER IS BACK, TO ANNOY EVERYONE WITH HIS BLOVIATING BULLSHIT.

BUT AT LEAST HE BROUGHT MY FAVORITE KILLER PURPLE ROBOTS, ALONG WITH HIM, THE SENTINELS!

BUT, THIS GUY RETURNS...

...AND PHOENIX, OR RACHEL SUMMERS, THE TIME TRAVELLING MUTANT DAUGHTER OF SCOTT SUMMERS AND JEAN GREY FROM THE FUTURE THAT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN ANYMORE, GOES OFF TO KILL HIM...

...BUT SHE FAILS. BECAUSE RACHEL SUMMERS SUCKS AT LIFE.

AND INSTEAD OF LEAVING A NOTE, RACHEL INVENTS (I'M GUESSING) A HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTOR AND USES IT TO VIDEOTAPE HERSLEF IN 3-D TELLING THE X-MEN THAT AND RIGS IT TO PLAY WHEN SOMEONE OPENS THE DOOR TO HER ROOM. YEAH THAT'S A LOT EASIER.

WOLVERINE LOUNGES AROUND IN A KIMONO AND DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK, BUT LAME WAD STORM SAYS THEY MUST GO AFTER HER AND HELP/STOP HER. STORM ALSO SUCKS AT LIFE.

THEN THE X-MEN FIGHT SOME SENTINELS BECAUSE OF THE BEYONDER OR SOMETHING.
THE X-MEN WIN AND SAVE SAN FRANCISCO BUT THEY DON'T STOP THE BEYONDER, WHO PROVES TO BE A MOST INFURIATING DOUCHE BAG.

This issue includes some fine fight scenes between X-Men and giant purple robots, unfortunetely half of the comic is taken up by the Beyonder and Phoenix, so meh. And JRJr is back on art. So double meh.

Anyway, I don't really feel like typing anymore so here are some new fake lyrics to a new Katy Perry song. The music itself is perfectly acceptable pop jams, but I swear the lyrics were written by a 12 year old. Or a slightly Downy 19 year old. Mine aren't much better but at least they're supposed to be fucking retarded. Oh yeah the song is Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.). Nice name tards. Enjoy.

Last Friday Night

I’m just jerking off in bed
Cause no woman will give me head
Goin spooge all over the room
Then probably eat some fuckin’ shrooms
Want to drink a god damn bar
And after pass out on the yard
Watch more porno on xtube
Need some lotion or some lube

Videos of ‘gine
Getting drilled online
I’m nude
I swell
It’s an engorged tool
And I’ll wack it till it drools

Last Friday night
Yeah I smoked a ton of pot
Then beat off with all I got
When I came there was a lot

Last Friday night
Yeah I felt it in my nards
Slathered up with grease and lard
Now my dong is nice and hard

Last Friday night
I got bored so on a lark
masturbated in the dark
Maybe next time in the park

Last Friday night
Good thing it's not against the law
To jerk off using some cole slaw
Whoa - oh -oah

This Friday night
Need to make a friend
This Friday night
Need to make a friend

Trying to get in that pink
Want it so bad, can’t even think
Want to do it on the floor
Get a taste and just want more
Remove your panties and your dress
Up in your guts I’ll make a mess
Bend you over start to rail
Had your front now do your tail

X-Men Annual 9: There's no plague like homos

2011-06-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue, other than that GARGOYLES CAN BELCH:

So that was easily the most bigoted fake issue title I've come up with yet. Bet Dorothy Gale never saw THAT one coming.

So here, let me make up for it with the least offensive re-word ballooning I've ever done. EVER.

I'm not going to go into much detail with this one. It's the second half of a summer annual team up with the Newd Mootants and it's incredibly rad. It's all drawn by Arthur Adams, who is actually the best artist in the history of comic books (you don't believe me? Well SHUT UP cause you're wrong!).

Loki is still mad at the X-Men for foiling his plans for fucking up both X-Mens And Alf-Alfa Flight in an earlier mini-series, so he starts fucking with everyone, especially Storm, who he has a massive boner for. It's mostly the Noob Mewtints that save the day, rompusing through Asgard and all manner of phantasitcal locations and inhabitants. It's like reading a fucking Dragon Book but with Super Heroes! NERDGASM UP IN THIS BEATCH.

Anyway, I gotta go take a shit on account of all these stale cookies I just wolfed down. Go buy the trade paperback 'Asgardian Wars' on Amazon if you want to know more. It's the fuckin tits! Now it's poop time!

X-Men 201: Stuel - like from a butt

2011-06-21T19:02:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue besides that someone has lost their damn mind and decided that Storm with no powers would beat Cyclops with powers in a fight. Just ridiculous.

RACHEL SUMMERS IS STILL DRESSED AND COIFFED LIKE A MAN. WHATEVER RACHEL, IMMA DO ME, YOU DO YOU, AIGHT?

EVEN AFTER SQUIRTING A BABY HUMAN OUT OF HER VAGINA, MADELYNE PRYOR IS STRONG AS AN OX, FRESH OUT THE BOX, THE CROWD SO LIVE, THEY COMIN IN FLOCKS.

SPEAKING OF BIRTHING, LILANDRA SAYS SHE COULD NOT HAVE BORNE LOSING XAVIER. "NOR I, YOU, BELOVED." SAYS PUSSY WHIPPED XAVIER... IN SPACE!

ROGUE GIVES RONALD REAGAN A BONER.

CYCLOPS SAYS HIS JOB IS TO LEAD THE X-MAN AND MADELYNE HAS TO STAY HOME AND RAISE THE BABY. WHAT AM I MISSING HERE, WHERE IS THE CONFLICT?

THEN SOME BULLSHIT FIGHT HAPPENS AND STORM BEATS CYCLOPS BASICALLY BY CHEATING. SO FUCK THAT SHIT.

Madelyne Pryor finally drops the baby she made with her ovaries and Cyclops' spermatozoa. Kitty totally hates it though because Kitty hates fucking babies.

See? Later, like 6 years or in real time, an old grey haired cyborg will show up in the X-Mansion and start training the Nood Mootants with guns and shoulder pads and tiny feet by the name of Cable. It will later be revealed, like 2 or 3 years later I think, that Cyclops and Madelyne's baby, which was taken into the future so it could be cured of a techno-organic virus (no I don't know what that is) given to it by the evil 5,000 year old mutant Apocalypse, was saved by a caste of warrior women known as the Askani, grew up, adopted the name Cable, then went back in time to lead the Newt Mewtints.

And if that makes sense to you then you are a huge fucking dork.

Also, the X-Men play fucking baseball!

Colossus hits the ball so hard it goes up into the stratosphere right by Air Force one. The New York Mets are mentioned because THE NEW YORK METS ARE FUCKING GREAT. Rogue goes after the baseball and because she's wearing tiny black panties and a loose fitting top, the great communicator gets a great erection. Or at least he would if they had invented Viagra by then. I mean his buddy Senator Dole was obviously a fan, he said so on a fucking tv commercial, 'member?

In other news, Xavier is gone from the X-Me, until around issues 275, I think, cause he's stuck in space with his bird alien girlfriend and a crew of space pirates led by Cyclops' dad, Cosair. So that's big fucking news. And Cyclops, who's all fucked up because he has a kid now but he's needed more than ever with the X-men because Xavier is gone, ends up losing a fight to Storm, who has no powers and just gotten the fuck beaten out of her in fucking Africa.

LEADERSHIP AND LAZER LOCK AIM ARE TWO OF CYCLOPS' 3 FUCKING POWERS (the other being his optic blasts, der). HE WOULD NOT LOSE TO A DEPOWERED STORM IN A FIGHT. EVER.

Storm somehow dodged several of Cyclop's FAST AS THE SPEED OF LIGHT blasts, tripped him with a belt, then took his visor off. Then Cyclops gave up. Thats the whole friggin fight. Embarrassing. Someone retcon this shit already because it is a god damn blight on his character.

Now Cyclops will be remembered as the asshole who left his wife and infant baby to get his ass kicked by a girl. Fuck that shit.

WORST ISSUE EVER. I am furious. Next issue: probably more of this bullcrap. God fuck it all.

X-Men 200: The Trial of Magnetballs

2011-06-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

What we learned in this double sized bicentennial issue of X-Mans other than that the trial is taking place is Paris, France. A oui oui et poo poo.

CLAREMONT'S BUDDY NEAL CONAN IS STILL BEING NAME DROPPED WHEN NPR NEWS IS USED AS A NARRATOR.

NOT TO BRAG OR NOTHING BUT I'VE BEEN TO THE FUCKIN PALAIS DE JUSTICE, WHERE THEY ARE HOLDING THE TRIAL FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER. SO I'M A WORLD TRAVELER, NO BIG WHOOP.

THE X-BAGS AND NEWD MOOTANTS TELEPORT IN FROM ASGARD. IT'S A LONG STORY AND TAKES PLACE IN ANNUAL #9, WHICH I HAVENT REVIEWED YET. FUCKIN ASGARD MAN, SHIT.

XAVIER'S OLD F-BUDDY GABRIELLE HALLER IS A GOOD GUY AND SMOKES CIGS. THATS HOW THEY ROLLED IN THE 80'S I GUESS.

AND BEFORE THE TRIAL IS OVER, THERE'S A FIGHT!

COLOSSUS IS THROWN THROUGH THE STAIN GLASS WINDOW OF NOTRE DAME! ROGUE FLIES AROUND THE TIP OF THE EIFFEL TOWER! THESE ASSHOLES CALLED FENRIS BLOW UP THE PALACE OF JUSTICE! SO SUCK IT, PARIS!

SIR JAMES JASPERS IS AN ENORMOUS PRICK!

THE TRIAL NEVER ACTUALLY ENDS BUT THE X-FARTS SAVE THE DAY.

AND XAVIER ALMOST DIES SO HE HIS TELEPORTED BACK TO THE SHIAR EMPIRE (THOSE BIRD PEOPLE, AGAIN?) AND MAGENTBALLS MUST NOW LEAD THE NEWD MOOTANTS. CONGRATS ON YOUR PROMOTION, MAGNETBALLS.

NOW FOR THE MS PAINTZ!

I did an extra X-Men Annual 8 cover pic that I forgot to put in that post, so here it is!

Madelyne Prior got all fat. Probably from eating too many cookies. Chips Ahoy, fatty!
Nice look, Kitty.
Colossus has some thoughts on tanks!
This issue was a pretty big deal. It marks the end of Magneto's transformation from 2 dimensional crazy Silver Age bad guy to conflicted good guy with a questionable past and questionable motives. So much about him is questionable!

Everyone is creaming over the latest X-Men movie, and how the mutant menace is a parable for discrimination, with Xavier and Magneto as allegories for MLK Jr and Malcolm X. Well guess what fuckers? It all started with Claremont. So pay your fucking respect, proper!

But whatever, nobody wants to recognize the comics. Because Hollywood is a stupid place full of assholes.

Also Fenris are revealed to be Baron Von Strucker's kids. Xavier and Magsie teamed up to fight the original Strucker (who was a Nazi, so more evil than the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants even) and here they are teaming up against their kids. So you see, they aren't so different after all.

Claremont also tried to introduce Sir James Jaspers, a crazy anti-mutant dickhead member of British Parliament, created by the legendary Alan Moore when he was scribing Captain Britain for Marvel UK back in the early 80's. But Jaspers never became a part of the Marvel Uni, at least not during Claremont's tenure. I forget why, some bullshit about copyright or something.

I think that's it. It was a long fucking issue, so I may have missed some stuff. But I'm done writing for now, so whatever.

Next issue, the first appearance of Cable! (no, really).

Marvel Comics' head's so far up its ass it's gargling its own duodenum

2011-06-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

Huge comic books geeks love getting their boxer's in a bunch over dumb shit like the numbering of long running comic books. DC just announced that Action comics, which as been continually published since 1938 and reached over 900 issues, well be "resetting" this summer with a new issue #1. A few years ago Marvel did the same withing with most of their longest running titles, like The Avengers and Fantastic Four. Nerdfolk were outraged. I laughed at them. What a stupid thing to care about. I was above such petty concerns. I cast scorn upon the fastidious fanboys from my lofty perch of detached phlegmatism. I could not be more nonplussed about the whole situation.

UNTIL THEY DECIDED TO FUCK WITH THE UNCANNY X-MEN. FUCK YOU MARVEL. I HAVE A NEARLY 500 CONSECUTIVE ISSUES OF AN UNBROKEN RUN. AND NOW YOU WANT TO FUCK UP MY ARCHIVES. NO ONE FUCKS UP MY ARCHIVES. YOU WILL BE RESETTING THE NUMBERING OF UNCANNY X-MEN OVER MY LIFELESS ROTTING CORPSE, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Which if I were serious means my life would be extinguished by this October, which is when Uncany X-Men will go from 544 back to 1. So while I am joking and I won't be hyperventilating about his, a genuine pang of bummerness shot through my body when I read about Marvel's intentions on my favorite faggot nerd blogs.

As I mentioned, Marvel's renumbered just about every title in their catalog, even the Amazing fuggin Spider-Man. Part of the appeal of the Uncanny X-Men is that their sales have always been strong enough that they never needed to pull one of these blatant marketing gimmicks. Well no longer. And for that, the powers that be in the Marvel editorial offices can suck my asshole until it prolapses all over their stupid fucking faces. Jerks.

In other earth shattering news of grave world-wide consequence, I tried trolling some dickhead on Craigslist for trying to sell the worst comic book collections in the history of the universe. The seller, a mix tape producer and part time hustler by the name of Oil Spill (I swear I'm not making that up), took the bait, and our exchanges were mildly amusing (to me, Oil Spill got pretty pissed and told me repeatedly to "jump off his dick") but it could have been better. So I'm not going to cut and paste the whole electronic conversation. There weren't many good lines either. Just a grade A nimrod trying to pawn off his worthless comics at ridiculously inflated values. By the end it became more pitiful than funny.

Anyway, here is a sampling of the shit comics Oil Spill was hawking. The number in parentheses is the number of copies of each issue he was attempting to unload.

NFL SuperPro 1 (4)

Secret Defenders 1 (4)

X-Force 1 (19)

X-Men 1 (17)

Brigade 1 (4)

The Maxx 1 (4)

Pitt 1 (4)

Spawn 1 (22)

WildC.A.T.s 1 (24)

Bloodshot 1 (14)

H.A.R.D. Corps 1 (4)

Holy shit those are some awful fucking comic books. And Oil Spill was asking five bucks each! What a dildo.

On a totally unrelated note to which there is no reasonable segue, I watched Dead Presidents the other day. Good fucking movie. In one scene, for basically no reason, Michael Imperioli (AKA Christaphuh Multisanti) gets ambushed by some Vietcong and gets his cock and balls cut off and stuffed in his mouth. Here is a picture I drew of that scene.

Haha, sick! Man am I glad I didn't have to fight in the Vietnam War. That would have totally sucked!

OK, I'll try to get back to writing about Claremont's run on X-men now. I've been a little distracted lately with this pain in my ass job. Fucking job. It ain't nothing but work.

X- Men 199: The Spiro Pathnew

2011-06-05T16:59:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue other than that Cyclops did NOT resign as leader of the X-Men because of criminal charges. It was because he didn't want super heroics getting in the way of his nightly sessions of pounding out Madeline Pryor's pooswah.

CYCLOPS WAS A TEEN DRUNK OFF BREW, STUMBLED AND WONDERED IF GOD SENT HIM CAUSE NEW RAD POWERS EMERGED TO ROCK AND SHOOK THE BLOCK, HE AINT FLINCH AS XAVIER WATCHED.

REWRITING NAS LYRICS WITH X-MEN STORIES IS NOT WORTH THE TROUBLE.

RACHEL SUMMERS WANTS TO TELL CYCLOPS THAT SHE IS HIS AND JEAN GREY'S DAUGHTER FROM AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE EXCEPT SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE COURAGE. AW, DOES POOR LITTLE BABY WANT HER BOTTLE? IS WIDDLE BABY RACHEL GONNA CRY NOW?

NO, JUST TURN INTO THE A NEW INCARNATION OF THE PHOENIX FORCE. SURE HOPE NO ONE ALERTS THE SHIAR EMPIRE, BECAUSE THOSE BIRD ALIEN TYPES FUCKING HATE PHOENIXES.

IN SOVIET RUSSIA, JEWS RUIN WALL IN COLOSSUS' MUSEUM FOR HOLOCAUST .

CYCLOPS IS A BIT OF A SHOW OFF.
WHY DIDN'T HE JUST TURN AROUND AND SHOOT THE OFF SWITCH TO THE DANGER ROOM? BECAUSE HE IS A COCK, THAT IS WHY.

BUT STILL THE BEST X-MEN, DAMN IT.

MYSTIQUE TURNS INTO SPECIAL ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT VALARIE COOPER SO THEY CAN GET INTO SOME SUPER KINKY SCISSORING.

I DON'T THINK I COULD FUCK MYSELF, EVEN IF I KNEW IT WAS A TOTALLY HOT LOOKING SHAPE CHANGING BABE UNDERNEATH. UGH, NO WAY, MAN. GROSS.

SOMEBODY GIVE THE BLOB A HAND, QUICK!

Hey look, it's a miniature replica of my penis. Hah, never gets old. Of all the things to stick up one's ass, if you're the Blob, I'd say the Washington monument is a pretty decent choice.

I don't get why he's actually worried though. In the comic, Nightcrawler teleports Blob to the top there. Good strategy to take a mostly invulnerable bad guy out of a fight. But why is the Blob scared? He's fucking invulnerable, duh. Just a few issues ago he fell out of a god damn airplane and was fine. Why doesn't he just jump the fuck off that god damn obelisk? Fuckin beatch.

So this issue was cool because it was the return of the best X-Man, Cyclops. He is the best. Mystique also finagles her group, formerly the brotherhood of mutants, formerly the brotherhood of EVIL mutants (it's subtle), now Freedom Force, some governmental pardons courtesy of Val Cooper, with a mandate to hunt down and capture Magneto, whom Xavier has now taken in and wants to entrust the future of his school to because he's whithering away and is too weak to lead after that horrible beating he took a while ago. So in case the metaphor wasn't clear by now, THE X-MEN ARE PERSECUTED MINORITIES FIGHTING FOR JUSTICE.

It can get beat to death in the comics but its an important point because its what separates the X-Men from the other, faggier super hero groups, like those pussy Avengers. The government is the bad guy and the X-Men are bad ass rebels, fighting for their rights, paramount of which is their right to party, but also their right to not be rounded up by big purple robots and sent to death camps. From now on, the X-men are the counter culture movement and their biggest enemy will be the MAN, prejudice assholes and Republicans. So if you want comic book hipster cred (and jesus do I ever), the X-Men are your guys.

Anyway, the X-Men win the battle but Magneto still turns himself in, because he is a good guy now. And next issue will be a double sized, 200th issue bonanza called THE TRIAL OF MAGNET BALLS.

Oh and there is some shit with Rachel Summers too, but she sucks, so fuck her.

X-Men Annual 8: The Adventures of Lotspeen the Space Dadgum and her Pet Yooman Kiddie Prinus

2011-06-05T12:44:00.000-07:00

Another pretty useless annual. 90% of the story is Colossus' sister and Kitty Pwide's best friend, Illyana telling a story about how Kitty and her dragon, Lockpeen, love each other. Its truly a bestiality yarn for all ages.

To commemorate such a boring fucking issue, I made my dumbest hand drawn MS Paint masterpiece yet.

The only thing that I can remember that I wanted to point out is at one point, Storm (doing a miserable Han Solo impression, woof), drives a spaceship through a black hole. On the other side of the black hole, instead of a singularity of infinite density out of which no light can escape, Storm and her crew find that the stars are now black and space is white. THATS NOT WHAT A BLACK HOLE IS.

Anyway, the art is pretty dope. Pencils and inks by Steve Leihola. During the space adventure he adds a cartoony touch, but back in the "real" world things are a bit grittier.

Oh and also, after the campfire story is over its strongly implied that Wolverine bones Kitty's dance instructor, Stevie Hunter. Go get that nonnie, Logan. Own that shit.

X-Men Annual 7: Scavanger Lou Scunt

2011-05-24T23:26:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue besides that it's assistant editor's month.

Assistant editor's month meant the real editors were at the San Diego Comic Con, which before Spider-Man the movie didn't really mean much, so all the assistants were nominally in charge and all the stories tended to be a lot wackier. And also shittier. This one is definitely shitty.

Also I don't have a scan of it, so enjoy a return of the hand drawn MS Paint recreation. This may be my most wholesome cartoon yet.

Awww... baseball is so... traditional. It's also nice to see an artist that actually knows what baseball players look like when the play, unlike that whatshisface a whole bunch of issues ago.

FUCKING ANYWAY.

IMPOSIBLE MAN SHOWS UP PRETENDING TO BE GALACTUS AND STEALS THE X-MANSION.

THE X-MEN GIVE CHASE AND THEN IMPOSSIBLE MAN STEALS SOME OTHER SHIT IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE.

LIKE NICK FURY'S EYEPATCH.

AND DOCTOR STRANGE'S BALLS OF AGAMOTO.

AND THE THING'S BIG ORANGE ROCKY DONG.

AND SOME OTHER SHIT, WHO CARES, NONE OF THIS SHIT MATTERS.

THEN THEY FUCK UP THE MARVEL OFFICES TO GIVE THESE JAGOVS A CHANCE TO DRAW THEMSELVES AND THEIR FRIENDS IN THE COMICS. OOOH, FUCKIN META BEFORE META WAS PASSE. CONGRATS YOU POST MODERN MOTHERFUCKERS.

THEN IT ENDS IN A MASSIVE DEUS EX MACHINA. MORE IMPORTANTLY THERE ARE TWO CONSECUTIVE PANELS WHERE KITTY PRYDE BLOWS A DILDO AND THEN TOM SELLECK SHOWS UP. DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE ME?

SEE? I TOOK THAT PICTURE WITH MY CRAPPY CELL PHONE JUST TO PROVE IT. FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

ALSO, LOOKS LIKE THE ARTIST MADE A GREAT, SELLECK-TION, DIDN'T HE?

HAHAHAH, FAVORITE JOKE EVER.

This issue wasn't completely devoid of entertainment, besides Kitty Pryde sucking a big phallic freeze pop. For instance, Colossus and Rogue fuck up She-Hulk and Iron Man pretty well. I always enjoy watching the X-Men beat up other super heroes. I'm a big stupid dork that way.

But most importantly, I've uploaded the panel of Kitty Pryde blowing an ice cream dong on to the internebs for the rest of eternity. So congratulations to me and all future generations who will enjoy the fruits of my labors.

Oh and the pencils are by Michael Golden and so it rocks, especially when inked by masters like Terry Austin, but not so much when scrubs like Joe Rubinstein do the finishes. Oh well, we can't all be master chiefs like me when I play Halo and kill the Flood and save the god damned universe, can we?

X-Men 198: Lice Debts II

2011-05-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

What were learn this issue besides that Africa fucking sucks and is a fucking up piece of garbage. I mean what the fuck, Africa, get your shit together. This is a fucking joke, you are an embarrassment to other continents. Fucking Africa. Shit.

STROM JUST WALKS AROUND AND FINDS SOME FUCKING CAR WRECK WITH A PREGNANT LADY IN IT.

NO WAIT, SHE HALLUCINATES FIRST, THEN FINDS THE PREGGO WOMAN.

THEY WALK AROUND AFRICA, WHICH IS A DISGUSTING MESS. FUCKING SHIT ALL OVER THE PLACE. LOOK AT THIS GOD DAMN PILE OF CRAP.

THEN STORM AND THE LADY AND HER PRE-HUMAN FIND SOME SHITTY VILLAGE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. IT IS FILTHY, LIKE A FUCKING PIGSTY. DISGUSTING.

BECAUSE THE TOWN IS SO FUCKING MISERABLE, WHEN STORM SUCCESSFULLY GUIDES THE LADY THROUGH CHILDBIRTH, AN OLD DUDE IN THE VILLAGE GOES TO THE TOP OF A HILL AND MAKES HIMSELF DIE. WITH HIS MIND. WHILE TINY LITTLE FIREWORKS GO OFF ALL AROUND THEM. I'M NOT KIDDING.

Apparently the village at one point knew how to farm. And they had lots of food and money. Then they fucked up one too many times and now they are literally starving to death. They also were traditional African tribal clothing and dance around like savages. So big whoop. Back to where they started. What's the big deal?

I suppose there is a "lesson" to be learned, like don't abuse technology at the expense of ruining the environment, but it's telling in this comic and hackneyed and overwrought. The only real lesson to learn is this: DON'T LIVE IN AFRICA.

And don't go there unless you want to kill some animals and then get the fuck out.

I don't know if anyone else knows this, but I've been to Africa. It's true. It was actually pretty cool. But there was also a bunch of total shit parts. I mean like all ass. Fucking wretched.

Anyway, Barry Windsor-Spliffs draws the hell out of this, but most of the comic is dumb. Still, some really spectacular art. And now Storm is ready to rejoin the X-Tards. Next fucking issue!

X-Men 197: To Savor AIDS?

2011-05-24T17:21:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue besides that it was all a dream... FOR COLOSSUS.

This issue is all about robots. Like the Doctor Doom robot (spoiler alert!) yodeling on the front cover.

Good to see Cyclops back in action again. And by action I mean peen in vergene.

But not everyone loves rowbits.

At least the GLBT robot community is well represented int he pages of the X-Nards.

Nimrod, despite being called "Nimrod" and being florescent pink, Is a Charles Bronson in Death Wish/Dirty Harry type guy. In the next panel Nimrod incinerates the guys trying to rob him and the rest of the people in the restaurant. And everybody cheers! Vigilante justice is very hip in the mid 80's.

Also also see a page of Cyclops and Madelyne Pryor which explains that Cyclops is about to be called back out off retirement and that Mageneto is a good guy now. His time switching sides, and a pretty big deal for such a classic, Silver Age villain.

And Storm isn't dead, but she still is in fucking Africa.

That's all the sub plots. The main story deals with Arcade, still looking like a god damned circus clown, convincing Colossus and Kitty Pryde to defend him from Doctor Doom attempts to kill him. To assist them Arcade allows them access to his fully stocked warehouse filled with S&M kitted out X-Bots. Seriously, Claremont HAS to be into bondage. There is no other explanation for the X-Men ending up in black leather and metal studs all the time.

Anyway, the main plot makes no sense but it's a good excuse to get Kitty and Colossus talking and holding hands and eventually becoming friends again. They'll pork again. It'll take a couple decades and Joss Whedon's unstoppable fan boy shipper urges but Colossus will finally get some of that sweet sweet Kitty Pryde poonanny.

The Arcade rowbits is also a good way to get around the whole, we can't wantonly maim and murder the main characters of the book, however mechanical simulacrum are fair game to be torn to pieces. So it's always fun to see Wolverine and Cyclops get brutalized by a robot dinosaur, which totally happens and it totally sweet.

Oh and then it wasn't a robot Doctor Doom it was sexy side kick assassin Miss Locke in a Docctor Doom robot suit. And the reason for the whole battle was just for the smell of it. Fucking weirdo that Arcade.

Next issue, more fucking Loaf Dreck.

X-Men 196: What the shit?

2011-05-24T15:26:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue other than chloroform obviously not being that hard to come by for thugs of the 1980's.

Another quality cover of knife killers and S&M bondage rapers. Stuff for all the kids.

Then Xavier's all like, hey, is that a twat hat?

I'll be honest I read this a while ago and it kind of sucked. But I already did these captions. Some of them are pretty hilarious. Because a lot of dumb shit happens in this comic. Look, Storm is traipsing about the jungle, serenely flatulating with nature.

Yummy farts.

And this is part of Nightcrawler's whole, look at me, I look like a demon but I'm totally religious. WHAT A FASCINATING JUXTAPOSITION OF APPEARANCES AND VALUES.

Of course no one wants to molest you Kurt. You're abominable.

Kitty smokes a fatty.

K-Pryde likes to get lifted.

Then this panel happens. I'm serious I did not change one pixel on this fucking thing. Swear to god.
HAHAHA, WHAT THE FUCK?

Ok that's all I have on this issue. But guess what else? I won a trivia contest at local comic shop on Free Comic Book Day. So that makes me pretty fucking awesome. We were allowed to picck the topics, which helped because one of the categories was the X-Men and I fucking rocked it. People were seriously impressed. Here are the questions I thoroughly dominated.

Who was storm hanging out with when she got her Mohawk haircut? Yukio.

Who sends Wolverine crashing into the sewers beneath the hellfire club during the Dark Phoenix saga? Harry Leland. (I actually said it was Henry Leland but the comic store owner also said he was the White King when he was actually the Black Bishop.)

Who was the first non-Asgardian to wield Thor’s hammer, Mjolner? Beta Ray Bill.

Who created Elektra? Frank Miller.

When did comics raise their price to 12 cents? 1962 (I said 61 - only one I got wrong).

Who created the Spirit? Will Eisner.

Who created Uncle Scrooge? Don Banks.

Hmmm, a lot of those didn't actually involve the X-Men. Still, doesn't make me any less fucking awesome. That won me $100 worth of graphic novels. High fives for me.

X-Men 195: IT WAS A DANK AND STINKY FART

2011-05-06T14:29:00.001-07:00

What we learn this issue besides that the night was dark and stormy and hot and frothy.

FIRST OF ALL, THIS IS THE RADDEST OF ALL X-MEN COVERS EVER. IT'S SO FUCKING PERFECT. IT'S THE BEST.

WOLVERINE IS ABOUT TO SLICE THAT LITTLE KID INTO PIECES! AND HE'S SUCKING DOWN A STOGIE WHILE HE'S DICING HER UP. CHOP CHOP LITTLE GIRL.

THOSE WEINER KIDS ARE CALLED POWER PACK. A FAMILY OF KIDS WITH SUPER POWERS. AND THEIR LAST NAME IS POWERS. AND THERE IS A PACK OF THEM. IT'S FUCKING CLEVER IF YOU'VE JUST LEARNED TO READ I IMAGINE.

THE MORLOCKS FUCK WITH POWER PACK UNTIL THE X-MEN FUCK WITH THE MORLOCKS AND BY THE END OF THE DAY EVERYTHING IS FINE AND BACK TO NORMAL.

THIS AD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COMIC SEEMS A LITTLE OUT OF PLACE.

I have a fucking cold, AGAIN, so I don't feel like doing any more MS Paintz up in this bitch or recapping this thing in depth. Plus I spent a while on that fake Child Abuse PSA. I think it turned out pretty well.

This issue was a standard crossover with a semi-related though non-mutant book, Power Pack, who I guess just tussled with the Morlocks to give them an excuse to show up in the higher selling X-Men, one can only assume. It feels very much like a sit-com with a special guest and pretty mucch nothing of consequence. Except check out that the fucking cover! It is so fucking awesome. It has nothing to do with the story inside either. Wolverine never gets confused or tricked into thinking the kids are bad guys or threatens them in anyway. It's just Bill Bad Ass Sienkiewicz drawing one of the dopest picctures of all motherfucking time, just because he feels like it.

BILL SIENKIEWICZ IS THE MASTER.

Nothing else happens worth commenting on so I'm going to go blow all the boogies out of my god damn nose and take some fucking advils. Eat a fucking dick you piece of shit virus.

X-Men 194: TUCK HER BALLS BACK IN TWEEN HER LEGS

2011-05-02T19:23:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue besides that I'd like to see some JUGS! JUGS! JUGS! JUGS!

JUGGERNAUT IS BACK IN NEW YORK AND HERE'S HERE TO DO SOME MOTHERFUCKING BANKING.

NIGHTCRAWLER IS HAVING A CRISIS OF CONFIDENCE.

KITTY PR- I MEAN SHADOWCAT, LISTENS TO NPR. NERD.

I'M GUESSING SINCE ROGUE CAN NEVER HAVE MEANINGFUL PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH ANOTHER HUMAN THAT SHE'S QUITE THE ACCOMPLISHED ONANIST.

STORM WANDERS INTO THE MIDDLE OF AN APARTHEID ERA KENYAN SAFARI AND DISCOVERS A BUNCH OF RACISTS! BUT NOT OBAMA'S DAD.

STORM LOST HER POWERS BUT SHE'S PRETTY HANDY WITH THE STEEL IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. SHE'S NOT JUST SOME GEEK OFF THE STREET.

GAYROD, I MEAN NIMROD, JUST MIGHT BE INTO DUDES.

JUGGIE'S GOT SOME INDIGESTION.
RUSSIA HAS THEIR OWN NICK FURY, SOME KGB SPOOK NAMES COLONEL VASHIN. HE EVEN HAS ONE EYE. BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM THEY HAVE A COMPLETE SET, BUT STILL A GRAND TOTAL OF ZERO TESTICLES.

The dumbest named villain in history, Nimrod, the giant pink robot from an alternate future, finally lets loose, and more or less kicks the shit out of Juggernaut. Luckily, the X-Man feel like getting over their angsty asses and leave their cushy upstate mansion to save his thieving butt.

It takes Rouge sorbing the combined power of Colossus, Shadowcrap and Nitekrawler to be able to defeat Dimrod, but she's unable to finish the job and a crippled Nipplerod teleports away before the X-Wads figure out just what the hell is going on.

The interlude to the fight see Storm finally getting to Africa and beating up some racist tourists, or may or may not be super villains that come back to fight her later, I forget.

Then we meet this Vashin guy in the epilogue that I don't remember much about or if we've seen hi before or if he's very important later. All he does is sit at a desk and tell his friend Sasha that he's aware of fucking mutants in America. So I guess we'll just fucking see then, won't we.

X-Men 193: Core Hunt 2!

2011-05-01T21:51:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue besides that there's been 100 issues of all nude, all fucking x-mans.

REMEMBER THAT GUY THUNDERBIRD WHO WE KILLED IN THE LIKE THE 3RD ISSUE OF CLAREMONT'S RUN? WELL IT TURNS OUT HE HAS A BROTHER. WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS BROTHER. WHO HAS THE EXACT SAME POWERS AS HIS BROTHER. AND WHO WOULD PREFER IF YOU CALLED HIM THUNDERBIRD. ITS JUST LIKE THAT SCENE FROM BEERFEST.

"HOKAHEY!" CHECK OUT THIS FUCKIN GUY.

XAVIER: LEATHER DADDY.
SOMEONE KILLED ANNALEE'S KIDS. WAIT, ANAL LEE? THAT'S HER NAME?

STORM HAS FUCKED OFF TO AFRICA.

THAT ATTACK ON XAVIER WAS JUST AN EXCUSE TO WEAKEN HIM SO HE DOESN'T JUST END THE BATTLE BEFORE THE DOUBLE SIZE ISSUE PAGE COUNT.

KITTY PRYDE'S, ER, I MEAN SHADOWCAT'S NEW COSTUME IS A BIG GARBAGE BAG AND A MASK. FUCKING TERRIBLE.
NORAD KEEP AN ARMY OF ROWBITS ON CALL JUST FOR THESE EXACT SITUATIONS. SECBOTS THEY CALL THEM. WHAT THE FUCK FOR I HAVE NO IDEA.

THIS IS WHY WOLVERINE OWNS.
WHATS A BETTER PICK UP LINE? I WALKED ON THE MOON; OR I WAS ON THE RAIDING PARTY THAT KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN?
I don't want to say Claremont gets a bad wrap for having no sense of humor, because honestly his sense of humor is pretty crappy. But he starts the issue with a nice bit about Banshee being all super happy about his life. "So of course, he gets nailed." Hah, made me laugh anyway.

It's also kind of annoying that the Morlocks are back, and their completely unbelievable underground labyrinth of tunnels that "runs the length of Manhattan, with branch lines out to Jersey, Staten Island, Long Island and upstate." Oh come on.

Claremont makes the rest of the issue a tribute to the first mission he wrote, were Thunderbird got killed outside of the no so secret military base of NORAD. Claremont also brings in a whole load of new characters he's created since then. Most of them usually occupy the X-Nard's junior title, the Noo Mootants. So I won't bother describing them. All that's important is Thunderbird's brother is pissed and wants revenge. So there's a big ass fight and eventually the X-Mans are the winnars and the bad guys here are misguided young mutants so alls well that ends well.

More interesting than the typical comic book beat em up is the sinister undercurrent of anti-mutant hatred that Claremont is now bringing to the forefront. Mutants will now serve as an allegory for prejudged groups of all kinds. This theme had always been simmering in background but this is a real turning point, starting with Xavier getting has bloodied ass handed to him last issue, where the X-Men inhabit a more mature world and tackle problems with real gravitas.

I mean the main villain in the original Warhunt issue was called Count Nefaria and he tried to hold the world hostage for ransom for chrissakes. Now the X-Men have to worry about the Feedle Gubmint and RAYCESS ASSHOLES. Quite a difference.

But just to show that this whole comic book isn't turning into FRONTLINE the comic book, next issue is a fight against the Juggernaut and Nimrod. So yeah, not THAT mature anyway.

X-Men 192: FUN n' GAMES n' SHIT

2011-05-01T16:13:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue besides that the kids these days are all into their fuckin fun and fuckin games and fuckin Buckaroo Banzai and other god damn bullshit.

WARLOCK, OF THE NEW MUTANTS, IS AN ALIEN THAT CONSISTS OF A SENTIENT TECHNO-ORGANIC TRANSMODE VIRUS WHOSE DAD WANTS TO MURDER HIS FUCKING ASS.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES TECHNO-ORGANIC TRANSMODE VIRUS?

NIGHTCRAWLER, ROGUE AND COLOSSUS ARE JUST ROUGH HOUSING UNTIL THINGS TAKE AN UNEXPECTED, AND SEXY, TURN.

THEN COLOSSUS SPOTS SOMETHING THAT RAPIDLY ADJOURNS THEIR FRIVOLITIES.
BOOBIES AND ALSO WARLOCK'S DAD, THE INTERGALACTIC BUTTCAKE KNOWN AS MAGUS, LANDING ON ERF.

FASHION IN THE MID 80'S WAS FUCKING TERRIBLE.

THE X-WADS AND MAGUS MIX THINGS UP, ROUGH AND TUMBLE STYLE, UNTIL MAGUS SURPRISES EVERYONE WITH A BELCH.
XAVIER CATCHES A MASSIVE BEAT DOWN. PRETTY MUCH FOR NO REASON. I MEAN BESIDES BEING A MOTHERFUCKING BALD MOTHERFUCKER THAT IS.
I'm not sure if maybe it was revealed before in The Newd Mewtants or some other comic book but we finally learn why the hell this unholy spawn of Cyclops and Marvel Girl from an aborted future is ditzing around the main Marvel Universe, shitting everything up with her retarded haircut and habitually lachrymose countenance. And the reason is Kitty Pryde. Aborted future Kitty Pryde is the culprit. So thanks a bitchload fuckin Kitty.

Wolverine and real Kitty are back from Japan. Fun flight that must have been. I flew from the east coast to Japan before. It fucking sucked. Going there was great, I had a whole row to myself and was able to stretch out and relax. Coming home meant being wedged in between annoying, gibberish spouting asian families and broke ass business travelers who can't fly first class. It was all cool thought because I got really drunk in Japan for a week. It's like being inside a Nintendo.

Blah blah blah, lots of talking and drama and fighting and eventually Magus runs away because Nightcrawler, Colossus and Rogue do a pretty decent job beating the fuck out of him. Then Xavier gets punished. It's actually pretty gruesome. Frankly I'm shocked at the level violence depicted in a mid 80s comic book. If I didn't posses a insatiable, vampiric lust for blood myself I might even be outraged.

So anyway, Xavier's near dead body is dragged away. probably by one of those fucking Morlocks (k just checked, it is the fucking Morlocks) and the sweet bros who wailed on him go to a bar and get loaded.

ADVANTAGE: BROS.

X-Men 191: RAPERS! of the Long Tentpole!

2011-04-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

KULAN GATH IS THE MASTER OF THE DARK RUNES. SO WHO MASTERS THE LIGHT RUNES? JUST GET HIM TO GO KICK THIS TWAT'S ASS.

KULAN GATH IS STILL A ROTTEN FUCKER. HE'S KILLING AND TORTURING THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE.

THE HELPFUL ARCHIVIST SAYS: "KULAN GATH WAS AN APPRENTICE TO THE LORD OF THE BLACK RING, THE ARCHMAGE, THOTH-AMON. BUT HE WAS FORCED TO FLEE STYGIA AFTER BEING CAUGHT PRACTICING MAGIKS THAT EVEN THE SONS OF SET CONSIDER ABOMINABLE." THANKS FOR THAT YOU HELPFUL FUCKING ARCHIVIST!

VISION, THE ROWBIT AVENGER, TOTALLY EXPLODES COLOSSUS TO PIECES!

A BUNCH OF OTHER X-MEN AND AVENGERS DIE IN CONAN WORLD.

ALSO FUCKIN SPIDER-MAN IS JESUS CHRIST!

DOC FUCKIN STRANGE SHOWS UP TO TAKE EVERYONE TO HIS STANKUM STANKONIA DURING A TEMPORALSPATIAL CLAUDICATION. OH STEPHEN, YOU NUT.

This whole conan two-parter is basically an oversized What if...? issue, because everything gets put right back to normal at the end and there are no consequences to what happened and just about everyone but a couple of superheroes don't remember anything. Which is cool because you can kill all sorts of people and it's no big deal, but it's also lame because who cares what happens and what is this, some fuckin sitcom?

Although because of all the fucking with the spacetime continuum and what not, some fucking pink rowbit named Nimrod shows up at the very end (no really!) saves the longshoreman from dying and the amulet from being used and Kulan Gath and the whole spell, BUT, this rowbit is super powerful and loves killing mutants. Man that's dicked up.

Also look at this, a woman with no mouth and tentacles for arms. I don't know if this is from japanese porno cartoons or what but this won't be the last time Claremont pulls this weird shit out.

Illyana Rasputin pretty much saves the day. Selene was being evil the whole time (der) and Magik's magiks fucks her shit up. Her magik sword is made of fuck so it will shit and you can taste it. Uh, what?
Ripping off Star Wars is no big deal but this is pretty blatant. Hey, how do we get around these guards? Well I saw this shit work in a movie, let's try that! OK, great job, high fives for friends!

OK, no more conans, let's see whats next!

X-Men 190: A Face Uncreamed on

2011-04-30T19:48:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue besides what's best in life is to crush your enemies, see them driven before you... and hear the lamentation of their women.

IT'S SWORDS AND SORCERY AND SORE ASSES WITH THE WHOLE FUGGIN MARVEL UNIVERSE.

BUT ARMY MEN STILL KEEP SHEA STADIUM SAFE. RESPECT.

A NECKLACE HAS TURNED ALL OF MANHATTAN INTO THE STONE AGE AND ALL THE HEROES INTO WACK CONANS. BEHOLD:

VALARIE COOPER IMPLORES OLD RACIST WHITE ARMY MEN TO TRUST THE MUTANTS SO SOLVE THE PROBLEM, BUT THE OLD RACIST WHITE ARMY GUYS DON'T LIKE MUTANTS BECAUSE THEY ARE RACISTS! DUH!

KULAN GATH IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE!

KULAN GATH TRUNS PROFESSOR XAVIER AND CALIBAN INTO SOME DISGUSTING LUMPY KUATO LIKE THING FROM TOTAL RECALL. SICK!

CALISTO AND STORM HAVE A BIKINI FIGHT ON A PIRATE SHIP

HEY LOOK IT'S FUCKIN SPIDER-MAN. FUCK YOU SPIDER-MAN!

SELENE IS BACK AND IS GOOD NOW. OR STILL SORT OF BAD. THEN KULAN GATH'S BIG FAT MYSTICAL HEAD EATS HER. THEN THE HEROES GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER.

Remember that thooper dooper magic necklace our favorite dead Watchman owning longshoreman found in the fish? Well it unleashed Kulan Gath and he turned all of Manhattan and all the Marvel super heroes on it (except fuggin Spider-pants) into a bunch of god damn conan the barbarians. So now all these conans are running around getting into sword fights and speaking in conan talk.

Enough with the barbarianisms already you stupid conans!

Selene also sluts around with Amara and Rachel some more. I think she has them under her thrall still. Or something.

Doing some Innerweb rezerch, it turns out this whole Kulan Gath amulet and the Hyborian Age stuff comes from Claremont and Byrne's run on Marvel Team-Up, where friggin Spider's Man did the same thing. So now it's the X-Bags.

Whatever, it's fun but kind of pointless with regards to the long running storylines and shit. It concludes next issue and then is pretty much never heard from again. Although maybe it is, look it up if you're so fucking curious.

X-Men 189 Two Girls out to Wang Chung

2011-04-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue besides that Cindi Lauper was very popular while this issue was on the stands.

THE STATUE OF LIBERTY IS ALSO BEING RESTORED WHEN THIS ISSUE WAS SITTING ON SPINNER RACKS. SO GOOD FOR YOU, YOU FUCKIN STATUE.

CHRIS CLAREMONT LOVES PUTTING HIS FEMALES IN FETISH COSTUMES. DON’T BELIEVE ME? JUST WAIT.

IN SOME SPOOKY PRESCIENCE, RACHEL SUMMERS FLASHFORWARDS TO A TIME WHEN THE TWIN TOWERS COLLAPSED, KILLING THOUSANDS. LOOK, THIS WILL GIVE YOU THE HEEBY JEEBIES:

STORM FUCKS OFF BACK TO AFRICA DAVE CHAPELLE STYLE.

FANCY LONGSHOREMAN STILL HAS HIS FABULOUS NECKLACE!!! BUT THEN HE IS MURDERED. NOT SO FABULOUS!!!

RACHEL SUMMERS LIKES TO LAUGH AT OTHER PEOPLE’S BEDROOM KINKS. WELL EXCUSE ME FOR USING A VACUUM CLEANER IN THAT WAY MS MORAL MAJORITY. I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO’S DONE THIS YOU KNOW.

MEGA BAD ASS SEBASTIAN SHAW PRETTY MUCH JUST SITS AROUND LIKE A MEGA BITCH. BAD BITCH SELENE ALSO GETS TAKEN DOWN (OFF PANEL!) LIKE A MEGA ZILTCH. LAME!

BUT SERIOUSLY, LOOK AT THESE FUCKING OUTFITS:

A pretty solid, if silly, one and done issue. The magic necklace sets up the next issue but no sign of any other subplots, like Magnadoodle’s reappearance in the Bermuda Triangle that we saw last issue.

What is nice is Claremont, and most of the rest of the Marvel Universe, kept better track of their characters during these era. So Kitty Pryde and Wolverine aren’t in this issue at all because they’re busy having adventures in Japan. This is in direct contrast to the current system employed, where Wolverine stars in about 10 fucking comic books at once.

It’s also nice to see the always excellent Steve Leialoha’s inks on JRJR’s pencils. The difference between the also awesome and regular inker, Dan Green, is striking, but both bring unique styles that yield equally pleasing results. Leialoha has a cleaner, more angular aesthetic compared to Green’s messy, frenetic stylings. You can see Leialoha killing monthly in the excellent Fables comic, written by Bill Willingham and penciled by Mark Buckingham. Man, that’s a lot of fucking hams.

The main protagonists are two B teamers, the aforementioned whiny Jean Grey offspring from the future, Rachel Ratail Summers, and the previously unseen (in the pages of X-Mans) Amara Aquilla, AKA Magma, a descendant of ancient Rome who had been living in an ancient Roman style enclave in the Amazon, undetected for over two thousand millennia by modern civilization. Sure, why not? It’s fuckin comics, ain’t it?

Rachel has a flasback to the future where she is dressed up in a spike studded full leather body suit and leashed to a master. Nice. Then the two of them end up in the Hellfire club, disguised as frenchmaids. Sweet. Then they fuck shit up with Selene and Sebastian Shaw. Shaw just hangs around with his thumb up his kinetic energy absorbing ass, while Selene runs rampage all over the god damn place. Then Nightcrawler shows up and teleports Selene out of the room. Then Xavier says that he neck pinched her into submission (which we don’t see) and that’s the last she’ll be bothering anyone. Which is a totally the gayest resolution ever.

Next issue, shit gets fucking weird. Barbarically weird.

Oh and I’d like to point out that when the magic necklace discovering longshoreman is waiting to be murdered in the subway he is holding a cutting edge for the time Sony Watchman. Plugging something like a iPad into a comic these days would be passe but this is before the internet. Literally. Someone had to copy an ad or use an actual Sony Watchman as a reference to draw one. Now, because we live in the greatest age of civilization, I can Google “Sony Watchman” and see pictures in seconds, then look it up on Wikipedia and learn shit like how this device was released in Japan in 1982, but was not released in America until two years later, a year after this comic came out (1983)! The Internet is some cool shit, isn’t it?!

X-Men 188 Legs, Ass and the Lumps

2011-04-25T20:16:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issues besides that all the X-Men magics are gatherings.

NEW GUY FORGE IS MAGICAL BECAUSE HE IS A NATIVE AMERICAN. HE IS ALSO A ONE LEGGED CYBORG WITH A PORN-STACHE. COOL GUYS THESE X-MEN JV PLAYERS.

NIGHTCRAWLER’S GIRLFRIEND AND STEP SISTER (EW), AMANDA SEFTON, IS MAGICIAL BECAUSE SHE IS A GYPSY. THAT IS RACIST. THE PC TERM IS ROMANI, DISGUSTING, FLEA BITTEN, SCUM SUCKING, ROMANI.

ILLYANA RASPUTIN, COLOSSUS’ KID SISTER, IS MAGICAL BECAUSE SHE WAS ABDUCTED BY DEMONS AT THE AGE OF SEVEN AND APPRENTICE-RAPED FOR SIX YEARS IN THE HELLISH LIMBO DIMENSION. WELL AT LEAST YOU GOT A DOPE ASS SOUL SWORD OUT OF IT. SOME OF US DIDN’T GET EVEN THAT.

RACHEL SUMMERS OFFICIALLY JOINS THE X-BUMS. BOO.

OH YEAH, AND LEE FORRESTER AND HER SWARTHY COMPANION, PAOLO, FISH A SEMI-COMATOSE MAGNETBALLS OUT OF THE FUGGIN OCEAN. WE MISSED YOU MAGGSIEDOODLE.

There are three parts to this tale of X-Humps. The first is mopping up the Dire Wrapes of Wrath left in 555 Eagle Plaza, home of Forge, the creepy mutant cyborg molester, I mean inventor. Because the Dyer Rathes are magical space aliens, all the X-Men supporting cast members with any magical abilities are called up off the bench and thrown into the fray. Nothing happens to any of them and it turns out all they had to do was kill the one bad guy on the roof that Storm forgot about. So Forge shoots it. With a gun. A very unmagical gun.

And Naze, who I don’t think ever got possessed or Dire Wraithafied but I didn't read it that closely so I'm not positive, overdosed on magic and was killed by some unnamed God like evil being that isn’t brought up again for the rest of the issue. So he's dead.

Wedged in between the two main storylines is an interlude in the Bermuda Triangle were Lee Forrester, famous fisherwoman and Cyclops’ sperm receptacle, rescues Magneto from being eaten by a great white shark. Her Mediterranean first mate, Paolo, may or may not be poking her.

Anyway, Magnus of Magnetown is back. Can’t wait.

Then there’s some boring whiney shit where Rachel Summers cries and tells everyone how shitty it is in the future, where the X-Manse is blowed up, Xavier is shot to pieces and the rest of the X-Men who aren’t killed get rounded up into concentration camps. It’s cool to see X-Men slaughtered and the Days of Future Past is a dope storyline, but this shit drags. Not to mention the irreparable damage this whole thing does to the continuity.

(That should read "YOU'RE so old and dead and bald" - Oops).

And then there bullshit with fucking Nightcawler growing a vagina. Oh boo hoo, the humans are so mean, I don't want to be an X-Man anymore.

Man, shut the fuck up, grow some furry blue balls and get to superheroing already. Bitch.

Next issue, a longshoreman finds some pretty jewelry. In a fish. And the jewelry is FABULOUS!

X-Men 187 Wrapekill

2011-04-25T10:17:00.000-07:00

What we learn in this issue besides wraping and killing and wrhyming and stealing.

THE X-OVER WITH ROM THE STERLING SPACEBOT CONTINUES, EVEN THOUGH ROM DOESN’T ACTUALLY SHOW UP EVER.

THE DISGUSTING MYSTICAL “YUCKOS” THE DIRE WRAITHS SHOW UP THOUGH. THOSE DIRTY FUCKERS ARE E’ERWHERE.

LUCKILY, DEPOWERED STORM CAN STILL FEND FOR HERSELF WITH HER EXPERT GUN SKILLS, WHICH WOLVERINE SEXILY TAUGHT HER.

NAZE IS FORGE MENTOR AND A MAGICAL NATIVE AMERICAN (IS THERE ANY OTHER KIND?) WHO ALSO WANTS TO GET UP IN STORM’S GUTS.

STORM’S MIND IS UNDER MAGICAL ASSUALT. LETS LISTEN TO CLAREMONT DESCRIBE THE EXPERIENCE: “WITHOUT WARNING, ORORO’S MIND IS CRUSHED UNDER AN AVALANCHE OF THOUGHTS NOT HER OWN. SHE IS NO LONGER ORORO - OR EVEN AN INDIVIDUAL - BUT AN AMALGAM OF HERSELF, FORGE, NAZE, WRAITH... AND ONE OTHER IS NEITHER HUMAN NOR ALIEN, BOTH ALIVE AND DEAD, POSSESSING THE DIVINITY OF A GOD AND THE CRUEL HUMOR OF THE DEVIL.”

HOLY SHIT THAT OTHER PERSON SOUNDS PRETTY TERRIFYING. I HOPE THE X-BAGS ARE READY FOR THAT FIGHT, WHICH WILL HAPPEN IN LIKE 50 ISSUES AND 4 REAL LIFE YEARS FROM NOW. FUCKING CLAREMONT YOU COCKTEASE.

ROM’S FEMALE ROWBIT FRIEND IS CALLED STARSHINE. UGH.

THEN THE X-MEN WIN BUT THEN THEY DON’T. SO IT LOOKS LIKE THEY ARE TOTALLY FUCKED NOW!

ACTUALLY THAT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF JOHNNY RYANS EXCELLENT BUT TOTALLY FUCKED UP “PRISON PIT”.

Kind of cool that this issue’s splash panel is the same action as the last panel of last issue. Action picks up with Storm walking about of 355 Eagle Plaza in the middle of a rainstorm, WHICH SHE CAN NO LONGER CONTROL. Which makes for Delicious irony and rad wet t-shirt possibilities.

Rogue and Colossus show up, I forget how they know to do that but there they are. Mostly a bunch off action in this issue, plus some future mystical shit with Forge and his soon to be dead mentor (SPOILER ALERT) Naze that doesn’t get totally resolved until the Fall of the Mutants storyline many issues later. Also these pictures took to long so I’m just going to stop now. More magic is the gathering next issue though. Better tap that inner manna X-Wads!

Hey what do you know about X-Men costumes or anything?

2011-04-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

I know what you're thinking. Hey, asshole, any asshole can go read through Claremont's X-Mens and make asshole comments about them on some asshole blog. What makes YOU such a bona fide X-Manholic? How do WE know you're not just some asshole who is full of shit like some shitty asshole?

Well I'll tell you, you think some really lame thoughts, but irregardlessable, just to prove my impeccable credentials, I'm going to take a break from sequentially reading and writing about my comics and paste a bunch off variant covers that Marvel is producing that I've culled from the web. Why? Because I have too much free time. But also because each variant cover (13 of them) has between 4 and 5 drawings of one particular X-Manne in various costumes worn over the years. My job will be to assholishly describe where and when each X-Men wore each costume, thus proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that I've spent a dick ton of time consuming the Marvel X-verse, as only a true fan of the characters would. And I will do all of this without looking up a single thing on the innernebs or wikipeepeeduh

THE PROOF IS IN THE MOTHEFUCKING PUDDING BABY.

Oh nice, Wolveroonie up first. The first costume is from Wolvie's first appearance, when he bitch slapped the Hulk. His mask got a slight revamp (for the better) in his next appearance in Giant Size X-Bags 1, due to some artistic mistake that ended up sticking (look it up on the Internet you don't believe me). Then John Byrne decided it was fucking dumb for a stelthy animalistic hunter tracker to wear a bright yellow costume with blue highlights so he gave a brown and orange (?) costume and an enormous red belt. This stuck for a while until the X-Men when up into the united states of space around th end of Claremont's run and Jim Lee, who always preferred the yellow and blue, put him in a replica of the original X-Man costume from the 60's (throwback jersey?). Then John Cassiday gave the yellow and blue another makeover for his Astonishing X-men run with Joss (Buddy the Van Tire Changer) Whedon, which is basically the same thing as the very first costume but with more tiny lines.

Winner: Byrne's brown and orange. Practical color scheme AND the armpits are cut out for increased ventilation and exposed hair. What's not to love?

Shit this is going to take awhile isn't it? Ok, Storm, first costume is from her All New All Different introduction. Then she went punk and back a dominatrix with a mohawk, which was an admirable attempt to shake this up but also looked totally fucking ridiculous. The 3rd costume was worn only for a few pages in an X-Men/New Mutants summer annual crossover that was never scene again, though was exquisitely drawn by the master Arthur Adams. Then Jim Lee decided the early 90's meant all women need big puffy shoulder pads in their costumes and full body suits. Finally, Storm got a redesign of her classic look, that keep the better elements of the decidedly 70's look while updating the rest.

Winner: The new classic

Hey it's fucking Sabretooth, who started out a monstrous villain, then became a retarded good guy, and now I have no clue (what? I'm being honest.) The first look is classic costume with ample shag carpet accents. It was too simple and recognizable so they updaeted the look in the 90's with more superfluous detail. Then they just gave up the whole costume idea and but him in leather pants and vests. He looks like a complete douche now. Save me a seat at the Linkin Park costume, dickhead.

Winner: the Byrne design from his Powerman & Iron Fist incarnation. It's the only one that resembles an actual super villain costume, for which I am a sucker.

The sin quo non of Rogue is her skunk stripe/clump of hair, plus some green in her costume. Other than that, as you can see, peaple have just put her in whatever they fuck clothes they felt like. A green plastic hoodie to start? Ok. Black tights and an 80's, punkish one shoulder sweatershirt? Yeah fine (she never really rocked the mohawk like that, though). A fucking metal chest plate and groin high boots to go through the Siege Perilous (look it up)? Sure, why not? A fucking Jim Lee bomber jacket and shit? Fucking do it up! And then back to the little green riding hood inspired look.

Winner: I do love some good groin high boots. You can suck my powers and brain any time you want Rogue.
Yes - I'm back from a day or so of frigging off to prove I'm a bovine fide X-Master of magnitude proportions. Lets get this shit over with, shall we?

Ah, Magnetballs. Magneemo first outfit here with the big goofy M on it is when he turned himself over to the authorities and allowed himself to be put on trial for killing a Russian town and a Russian sub and maybe some other fuckers. He get's let off the hook somehow and then tries Xavier's dream for a while, which would make him an Uncle Tom in the Malcom X/MLK Jr paradigm that was original set up between those two nemeses, wearing the next costume without the helmet or the big goofy M. Then put on that cloaky thing and his psi-proof helmet during some later years where I was out in college, not reading comics and getting laid like none of the time. Now he's back in his original, medievaly looking duds, which would probably look the most bad ass except for the fact that's he's wearing his underwear on the outside.

Winner winner chicken dinner: #2. You need a high tolerance for the color purple but i like that his pants are just normal pants and not tights or a full body suit or whatever.

"Mean" Jean Grey never did get a nickname that stuck. She started with the dumb "Marvel Girl" name, which was ditched after everyone realized it was insulting. She had that in her original "student" outfit and then in her super impractical green dress with the super short skirt and that big yellow butterfly mask. They skip her green Phoenix costume and skip right to her genocidal, maroon Dark Phoenix kit. Then it's a complete Jim Lee make over, replete with sholder pads and meaningless pouches, and finally to the New X-Men Frank Quietly design. Now she's dead again, I think. (Spoilers!)

Winnar! Dark Phoenix. You going to led the wanton murder of 5 billion fish people get in the way of haute superhero couture? I didn't think so.

This is dumb, Iceman doesn't really have any costumes, he's just made out of ice. All though that first "costume" is jut the original drawing of him by Jack Kirby that was more Snowman than Iceman. I don't know when he wore the black leather gear but it's dumb.

Winner: Uh, the Iceman look I guess.

I don't know much about this Hope character, since there's like eleventy billion X-titles currently being published and I only read one. She's clearly the hottest in the first depiction so that is the winner. Haha, just kidding that's gross.

Even though Havok's first all black with tin foil highlights looks the coolest artistically, it's completely stupid. Look at that shit on his head? Who would do that if they were making themselves a costume. The second is all 90's, with the shoulder pads and face, uh, outline mask? (Interestingly, that drawing is by Larry Stroman, who designed the second costume there, when they relaunched the title with and all new line up and the great Peter David handling the writing). I don't know much about the next two. One has rec specs and the other the dumb face outline thing.

Winner? Maybe I'll throw the 90's a bone and call Stroman's the winner, mostly for nostalgia.

Emma Frost had a code name, when she was the evil White Queen. Now she jut goes by Emma Frost most of the time. All her costumes are equally whorish and absurd. Corsets and thigh high boots seem to be her M.O. I like the classic S&M look but the Frank Quietly #2 is just so over the top with it's cleavage I think I have to make the the winner.

So yea boobs!

Yes, Cyclops, the best X-Pimp. He got to push it up in Jean Grey, Jean Grey's clone, Emma Frost, and he had Misty Knight's friend Coleen Wing absolutely begging for it. His first redesign after the original is the classic look, but the underwear on the outside is just no good. He really over did the whole "X" theme with the rest fo his team mates when they formed X-Factor, then Jim Lee'd out with like, 4 utility belts in the 90's. Then John Cassady gave him psuedo NFL uniform look with all that yellow piping.

Winner and still champion: I love them all but I'll go with the latest, "Astonishing" look. And anyone who doesn't think Cyclops is the best X-Men is just jealous that they aren't all up in Ema Frost's guts like he is.

The Beast with one back is probably on of the most under rated X-Men, and maybe in the whole Marvel Universe. Not as smart as Tony Stark and Reed Richards and not as strong as Colossus, or even Spider-Man. Also he's blue and furry and looks like a disgusting freak. He started out just caveman like, then accidentaly turned himself blue and furry (way to go Einstein), then back again to cromagnon man (not pictured), then blue again, then Frank Quietly put him in that stupid fucking singlet thing and made him cat like, instead of ape like, in apperance (or feline instead of simian, if youre into that whole Latin thing), and finally in the crap there at the end.

Winningest: The blue ape look with the Wolverine hair. He's just in underwear but when you look like Blanca from Street Fighter, all you need is a set of tighty whiteys (or bluies, whatever) to keep your dongus from flapping around and you're good to go.

Pretty boy angel started in the original student costume like the rest of the original X-Men, then gave himself a respectable look sponsored by the Anaheim Angels (after skipping his woeful ed suspenders look of the late 60's. Then WWIII joined X-Factor, put on the red X costume and got crucified by the Morlocks, then kidnapped by Apocolypse and turned into that weird blue skin with the purble shit all over it by Walt Simonson (not your best work, Walt), and finally into whatever variation of that design he's in know. I think it's in Uncanny X-Force, but it's new shit so I'm not sure.

The best of the best: Probably the second look. Although the red X-Factor garb is ok. Either way, Angel sucks. Ooh, you can fly, so can like, 50 other superheroes. And all someone has to do is rip those pussy wings of and you're screwed. I'm surpised it didn't happen earlier than it did. His only real value to the X-Men is his personal fortune, which he uses to bankroll shit. Otherwise he should fuck off and leave the superheroics to those that know what they are doing.

Ok, that's it. This took longer than I thought so I'm not going to proof read it, which means theres going to be a bitch ton of typos but there isn't a god damn thing I'm going to do about it. So eat my shit, typos.

I hope I was able to prove that I do, in fact, know some shit about the X-Men, because of you don't believe me then I don't know what I would do. Probably drink. Say, great idea.

X-Men 186: LOAFDRECK

2011-04-10T21:06:00.000-07:00

What we learn in this double-sized story of love and loads and landlubbers:

FORGE IS HOPING FOR SOME TRANSGENDERED FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE SYNDROME TO TAKE AFFECT ON STORM. WELL IT WORKED FOR MARTY MCFLY’S MOM. KIND OF.

FORGE IS STILL LIVING IN EAGLE PLOPZA IN PIECE OF SHIT DALLAS, TEXAS.

WAITER! WHAT IS THIS MUTANT AMPUTEE DOING IN MY PENTHOUSE APARTMENT POOL? WHY SIR, IT APPEARS TO BE THE BACKSTROKE. BA-DUM BUM CHISH!

THE EVIL PINK ALIEN ANTEATERS ARE HERE TO FUCK SHIT UP. AND PARTY. HEY BABY LOOSEN UP, I JUST WANT TO SUCK YOUR BRAIN OUT THROUGH MY STRAW LIKE PROBOSCIS. AINT NO BIG THANG, MAMA.

BEST SOUND AFFEECT OF THE ISSUE HEARD WHEN ROGUE KICKS AN EVIL PINK ALIEN ANTEATER: CHUNT!

VAL COOPER CAN’T DRIVE FOR SHIT. TYPICAL BROAD.

ROGUE HAS LATE NIGHT MUNCHIES.

STORM’S IDEA OF SLIPPING INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE IS TO CHANGE INTO A PAIR OF OVERALLS WITH NO SHIRT OR BRA ON UNDERNEATH. UH, WHAT?

WHEN STORM FINDS OUT IT WAS FORGE WHO INVENTED THE NEUTRALIZER THAT ROBBED HER OF HER POWERS, SHE SAYS LALALA LA LA, YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS. THEN FORGE BREAK HIS CAGE, AND HE GET THIS.

Not only do we get bad artistry of bad ass atrist, Barry Windsor-Smith, but we get double the pages of BWS. BarWinSmith is one of those guys whose work is instantly recognizable. He doesn’t get too much action or scenery to indulge, since a lot of he pages are taken up by Strom and Forge talking about their feelings, but it’s pretty rad nonetheless.

Both the beginning and the end of this issue is protypical Claremont Emo X-Men. Storm and Forge both, like, you know, like each other. But they don’t know if, like, the other one likes them back. So, I dunno, if you, like, want to, you could, like, I dunno, kiss me?

And make out they do. With the passion of the passionate passionate Night Man. The dialogue between these two is either incredibly awkward or incredibly sweet. It’s probably more akward than anything, especially when Forge gets Storm try alcohol for the first time (date rape much?), but Storm dealing with losing her mutant powers carries a little more genuine pathos. I mean, how would you react if th twitch of a finger and the blast from a ray gun, someone wiped away everything you’ve ever used to define yourself? I meansides that you don’t have mutant powers and ray guns don’t exist. But if you think of it like you just lost a job you’ve had for most of your life and you found out the person you just developed a crush on is responsible. So yeah, emo X-Men.

And then there’s this stupid fucking exchange, where Claremont has one character insist that an innapropriate joke was made, when clearly nothing resembling a joke was said by anyone.

Forge: Be daring, take a risk. Who knows, you may even enjoy yourself.

Storm: I am doing that already.

Forge: Flattery m’dear, will get you everything.

Storm: Why do you joke, Forge? I would never make such fun of you.

What the fuck joke was that? THAT IS NO JOKE. No one is making fun of you Storm, you over sensitive twat.

And the fucking Dire Wraths, which is a pretty cool fucking name, are nasty motherfuckers and we can expect more nasty shit from those fuckers next issue.

X-Men 185: PUBIC ENEMA!

2011-04-09T17:07:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue besides that the tug boat Longshot Annie is just chilling in the middle of the Mississippi river.

HENRY GYRICH DEMANDS ROGUE BE BROUGHT TO JUSTICE. HE MAKES A COMPELLING ARGUMENT THAT SHE IS A DANGEROUS CRIMINAL, BUT HE IS STILL A SLIMY GINGER BITCH.

MYSTIQUE AND VAL COOPER CONFRONT GYRICH AND DEMAND SWEET SWEET LOVING.

REMEMBER WHEN I SAID RACHEL SUMMERS CRIES ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME?

HOORAY FOR SILLY SCI-FI JARGON: “ROGUE’S PHYSIOLOGY IS A SYNTHESIS OF HUMAN AND ALIEN. HER HYBRID METABOLISM GENERATES A UNIQUE ENERGY AURA.” WOW, THAT IS INTERESTING!!!

FORGE BUILT A GUN FOR THE GOVERNMENT AND HIS LIVID WHEN MYSTIQUE TELLS HIM THE GOVERNMENT IS GOING TO USE THE GUN HE BUILT FOR THEM. FORGE IS NOT TOO BRIGHT FOR A GENIUS.

EVIL PINK ANTEATER ALIENS ARE COMING TO FUCK EARTH UP!

We continue to explore the new characters of Forge and Rachel fuggin Summers in this issue, as well as building the intrigue around Val Cooper, Henry Gyrich and the rest of the government spooks and their reaction to the dreaded mutant menace. Obviously Rachel Summers blows. She doesn’t take long to establish her credentials as the worst X-Man (unlike Cyclops, the best X-Man). Forge is still mostly an enigma. Basically he’s a sell out, working for the government, which of course will end up haunting him later.

There are also quite a few pages devoted to Rogue and Storm, cooling out on the banks of the Might Missisip. Rogue feels bad because she fucking ruined the life of Carol Danvers, the original Ms Marvel. Storm snaps her out of her funk by letting her absorb her powers and memories. I guess because Storm is so fucking sweet. Well lad di dah your majesty. Everyone would be just peachy fuckin keen if only they could see the world through your perfect eyes.

Bitch.

Then Gyrich and his flunkies show up and fuck everything up. He tries to neutralize Rogue with Forge’s neutralizer gun, but instead misses and hits Storm. Now Storm is depowered and TOTALLY FUCKED.

And the Dire Wraiths, from some shit called ROM (ROM is a robot space knight, based on a toy. Yea comics!) find out that the neutralizer was actually invented to neutralize them. So THEY decide they need to neutralize Forge first. So we’re all pretty fucked now!

X-Men 184: Past days of future presents of the past pants future's tomorrow's of yester's ding dong dias

2011-04-09T12:13:00.000-07:00

What we learn this issue besides the fact that Rachel's Summer's "Mrs Kurt Warner" haircut is irresistible to club owning mulletted playboys of the early 80's.

HEY EVERYONE, LET'S MEET FORGE, THE POPPED COLLAR RUGBY PLAYING NATIVE AMERICAN DOUBLE AMPUTEE CYBORG MUTANT WHO OWNS THE FANCY CANE OF A GILDED AGE PLUTOCRAT.

LOOKIN SHARP FORGE"TMENOW".

ALSO JUST OUT MY SCREENCAPPING AND MS PAINT SKILLZ. MAD LUXURIOUS I KNOW.

UNDERCOVER MOTHER, MYSTIQUE, IS STILL SEXILY INFILTRATING THE US GOVERNMENT, CONVINCING THE SEXY SPECIAL ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT'S NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR, VALARIE COOPER, THAT SHE IS REALLY RAVEN DARKHOLME, DARPA EMPLOYEE. MYSTIQUE EVEN EMPLORE SPECIAL AGENT COOPER TO "CALL ON ME, VALARIE. COME AND SEE, I'M THE SAME DEADLY MUTANT ASSASSIN I USED TO BE."

TIME TRAVELLING MUTANT SPAWN OF CYCLOPS AND MARVEL GIRL FROM ALTERNATE FUTURE DYSTOPIA, RACHEL SUMMERS, IS A DEPRESSING, WEEPY, CRY BABY WITH A TERRIBLE HAIRCUT.

ALL-POWERFUL, MILLENIA OLD SOUL SUCKING MUTANT SELENE IS NAMED AFTER THE GREEK WORD FOR MOON, FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON AT ALL, AND NOT THE MEXICAN-AMERICAN POP SENSATION OF THE EARLY 90'S, SELENA.

RACHEL SUMMERS REALLY IS PRETTY TERRIBLE.

oops, forgot to add the background color.

So it's been a while since I've rapped about my favorite band of mutant outcasts, feared and hated by the people they've sworn to projectile vomit on, but now that my Buffy the fuggin Vampire Annihilator project is over, I've got lots more time to devote to these fucking X-Men.

This issue is fairly straight forward. We're introduced to Forge, a character that represents so many minorities he is perhaps only eclipsed by a college professor of mine, who was Black, Jewish, obese, a woman and a chain smoker, all at once. Forge makes weapons for the US gubmint, the latest of which is a neutralizer, a gun that eliminates super powers, which will soon eliminate Storms' super powers (SPOILER ALERT). Forge also lives in shithole Dallas, Texas, for no other reason than maybe he loves hot, humid, miserable weather and fat, ignorant, assholes in cowboy hats.

We also see Rachel Summers for the first time since the classic Days of Future Past storyline way back at the end of John Byrne's run as artist and co-plotter. Why you'd bring back this misfit from a future that can no longer be for so many convoluted reasons is beyond me, but here is she is nonetheless, back to make a mess of continuity like no other storyline in the history of comics has.

Rachel Summers, later to be known as Phoenix, has immense psychic and telekinetic powers, like her mother, Jean Grey (but not the Jean Grey who died on the Moon while back although she actually was never on the moon but really encased in magic rocks underneath Jamaica Bay in New York and - well you get the point). Also really powerful is Selene, so super old sorceress like mutant, who fights Rachel and some other X-Men until Professor Xavier get's off his lazy bald ass and saves the day.

This issue was great for the inclusion of Nick Damiano, the swinging 80's club owner with a heart of gold and a soft spot for wayward female mutants, adrift in the space time continuum, and flat top hairdos. In between keeping the dance floor of his club packed and rockin to the Moog symphonies of New Order and fellow snythpop prodigies, Nick Damiano likes to wear his leisure suits with tank tops and gold chains, and also to get turned into a pile of dust by evil super villains while awaiting a candle lit dinner with newly discovered, and likely mentally deranged, teenage mutant vagabond, Rachel Summers. His all too brief appearance in the Marvel Universe is a glorious sight to behold. He will be missed.

The issue ends with a soon to be de rigueur sob soaked breakdown by Rachel Summers as she laments the star crossed nature of her time travelling excursion. I was just trying to travel backwards through time and totally violate the laws of thermodynamics and the natural order of the universe, NO BIG DEAL! I don't understand how anything could go wrong! Oh shut up you blubbering cunt.

X-Men 183: He'll never make her cry or fake an orgasm

2010-11-16T13:22:00.000-08:00

What we learn this issue besides that Colossus knows how to keep the ladies creamin like Willie Beamon.

OOH, A LOT OF SHIT HAPPENS; LETS TRY TO DO THIS MAD BRIEFLY YO:

COLOSSUS DUMPS KITTY - SUCKS TO BE YOU, PRYDE

KITTY CRIES TO HER FRIEND ILLYANA, WHO'S ALL LIKE, YEAH, REMINDS ME OF THE TIME I GOT IMPRISONED IN HELL AND RAPED FOR 7 YEARS. BITCH.

ROGUE IS ALL PISSED SHES TOTALLY BONKERS AND NEARLY KILLS HERSELF IN THE DANGER ROOM AND DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK IF STORM WANTS TO HELP.

WOLVERINE TELLS COLOSSUS ITS TIME TO GO DRINK BEERS AND DOESN'T EVEN RECALL GIVING HIM A GOD DAMN CHOICE. WOLVERINE OWNS. NIGHTCRAWLER TAGS ALONG AND SMELLS OF FART.

STORM COMFORTS KITTY. KITTY SEZ SHE HATES COLOSSUS, AND LOVES HIM. WELL WHICH IS IT, BITCH?

MYSTIQUE IS INFILTRATING THE FUGGIN YOO ESS GUBMINT! THAT FUGGIN CRAFTY CUNNY! START BEING MORE SUSPICIOUS VALERIE FUGGIN COOPER!!!

AT THE BAR, WOLVERINE GIVES COLOSSUS A VICIOUS ADMONISHMENT.

THEN FUCKIN COLOSSUS SPILLS A FUCKIN BEER ON FUCKIN CAIN THE FUCKIN JUGGER-FUCKIN-NAUT FUCKIN MARKO. FUCK! WHAT THE DICK IS THAT FUCKER DOING THE FUCK HERE?

THEY FIGHT. JUGGSIE HITS COLOSSUCK WITH THE BAR. THE WHOLE FUCKING BAR! THEN HE DUMPS THE BUILDING ON HIM. THE WHOLE FUCKING BUILDING! JESUS CHRIST, IT WAS JUST A BEER, MOTHERFUCKER, SMOKE A FUCKIN PEACE PIPE WHY DONT YOU.

WOLVEROONIE TELLS COLONOSUSS ONCE AGAIN THAT HE'S A STRAIGHT UP FUCKIN BITCH. THEN WALKS AWAY LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A MOTHERFUCK. CAUSE HE DON'T. BITCH.

AND THAT'S IT - OH WAIT, WHAT'S THIS? ANOTHER VILLAIN ON THE FINAL PAGE SHOWN SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF SOME DUDE? SOME INNOCENT SCHLUB WHO WAS JUST TRYING TO BURY HIS DICK IN SOME COOZE HE PICKED UP AT THE BAR AND DIDN'T REALIZE THAT THIS PARTICULAR COOZE WAS A 2000 YEAR OLD SOUL DRAINING SUPER VILLAIN SUCCUBUS NAMED SELENE? WELL, THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED 'WEARING PROTECTION' BRO. ENJOY VD/DEATH.

PALS AT THE BAR:

Phew, I'm exhausted. Also, drawing word bubbles for three people in one panel is hard! Much respect Tom Orzechowski.

Another solid issue of with the right mix of melodrama and cartoon violence. So you see why Claremontel is often called the Godfather of post-modern Sci-Fi by no one except me and really it just shows how much of an influence his X-Men were on dudes like Joss Whedon? Well now you do, so believe it baby.

The break up scene the issue opens with really is handled well, especially by Romita Jr, who even though I like to dump on does a great job with the shifting perspectives and wide shots and facial expressions and dare I say this fucking guy is growing on me?

I'll still just say it's all on the inker, Dan the Man Green, but whatever, the art here is nice.

It's pretty absurd that Juggernaut just happens to go to the same bar as Wolverine, Colossus and Nightcrawler. Even more ridiculous is the fight starts by accident, not because either Peter or Marko recognize each other. But a fight to break the tension was necessary for the story so no big whoop.

The fact that two monstrous, invulnerable, tank-like dudes just blowing off steam at a bar wrecks an entire building and nearly kills dozens of building did strike me as a little bit fucked up, though. It's stuff like that that makes the premise of Garth Ennis' The Boys totally plausible. People say Ennis is created that book because he hates super heroes, but I think it's more that he LOVES super heroes and has read a shit ton of super hero books, it's just that if he were to try and sit down and write a super hero book of his own, which he is basically doing with the Boys, all he would think about is stuff like this. How a bunch of fuckers are just recklessly endangering, and probably murdering, a whole bunch of people just because they can and who gives a fuck. Well, read that series if you want to know more, but also just know this one other thing: THE BOYS IS FUCKING AWESOME.

And next issue this new bitch Selene starts a ruckus and more of the political horsepucky that's been stewing in the pot for a while finally starts really hitting the fan. YEAH A GREAT FUCKING TIME WE'RE HAVING ISN'T IT.

X-Men 182: Madness, space madness

2010-11-16T10:26:00.000-08:00

What we learned this issue besides that Rogue is fucking mental.

HOLY SHIT, ROGUE IS FUCKING NUTS.

SHE IS THE ONLY X-LADYBOY FEATURED THIS WHOLE ISSUE AND SHE SPENDS THE WHOLE THING BABBLING TO HERSELF LIKE A WEIRDO OR LITERALLY FLIPPING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES LIKE A GOD DAMN CRAZY PERSON.

THERE IS ALSO A BUNCH OF CRAZY SPY ESPIONAGE INTRIGUE LIKE ON THOSE SHOWS, ALIAS, OR UM, 24? OR... I DUNNO I DON'T WATCH ANY OF THOSE WACK ASS BULLSHIT SHOWS. WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, SOME FUCKIN BORING SHOW WATCHING MOTHERFUCKER?

SPEAKING OF WACK BULLSHIT, SEBASTIAN SHAW, THE BLACK KING (CODENAME ROYAL MIDNIGHT) HAS A MOLE WHO INFILTRATED THE S.H.E.I.L.D. HELICARRIER.

WHAT THE FUCK IS A S.H.E.I.L.D. HELLICARRIER, YOU ASK? TRY GOOGLE YOU LAZY SHIT.

ALSO, A ROYAL MIDNIGHT IS WHEN YOU PEE INTO A GIRL'S BUTT AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT. HAHA NOT REALLY, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THOSE FUCKING URBAN DICTIONARY THINGS, DOESN'T IT?

ANYWAY, SO THIS COLONEL ROSSI GUY IS GETTING FUCKED UP BY SHAW'S FLUNKIES WHEN ROGUE ENDS UP RESCUING HIM, BECAUSE CAROL DANVERS USED TO DATE FUCKIN ROSSI AND ROGUE PERMANENTLY ABSORBED CAROL DANVERS POWERS AND PERSONALITY BACK IN HER SUPER VILLAIN DAYS AND, WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK? COMICS ARE FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

AND AS YOU MIGHT GUESS, COLONEL MICHAEL ROSSI IS A LITTLE CONFLICTED ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION:

ALSO DON'T FORGET MR ROSSI-THE-WOPPY THAT ROGUE STILL SAVED YOUR BACON FROM THE EVIL S.H.I.E.L.D TRAITORS WHO WERE ABOUT TO CAP YOUR SORRY ASS BEFORE SCHIZO-ROGUE SHOWED UP. SO HOW BOUT SHOWING A LITTLE GRATITUDE YOU FUCKIN BITCH ASS AIR FORCE PILOTING BITCH.

I do have to admire Clare-mare's ambition with this issue. To totally ditch the rest of the team and focus on one of the newer characters and her split personality taken from a whole different comic book you used to write but most X-Men fans probably didn't read (like me) is a bold move. An even bolder move? Jax making out with his half sister, Trinity, in Sons of Anarchy. Wow! Is there any taboo that show won't cover? Actually this season hasn't been that great, so - BACK TO THE X-DONGS.

Or singular X-Dong as it were, who is Rogue, who does a few totally goofy things like rests on a cloud (impossible, clouds look like fog up close, not big puffy marshmallows) and throws a silver dollar (a Susan B. Anthony dollar to be exact. Subtle feminism, much?) that ricochets off a bunch of machines, destroying them all, which is also dumb because if she threw it with enough force to do damage it wouldn't bounce off shit it was just stay embedded or go right through.

THIS IS BASIC SCIENCE COMMON SENSE, DAMN IT.

Anyhow, the setting up of Shaw as a villain again is nice and adding S.H.I.E.L.D. into the mix is also welcome. The ending is a little weird, with Rossi saying he wants to fucking kill Rogue (who's invulnerable, so tough cookies, pal) and a sobbing Rogue/Carol Danvers saying she does to. Oh quit yer bitchin and suck it up. You have super powers. You can fly. Life's not all bad.

And then it ends with some foreshadowing of Colonel Nick fuckin Fury, the Chuck Norris but way cooler of Marvel Comics, swearing vengeance on Rogue (who he blames for one of his agent's, a traitorous agent I might add, death) and authorizing all of S.H.I.E.L.D. to take her down with DEADLY FORCE.

UH OH, YOU'VE STIRRED UP A HORNET'S NEXT NOW, SUGAH.

Also I like the old Nick Fury here, when he looked like Don Johnson, instead of Samuel Jackson. Does that make me a racist? YEP PROBABLY.

X-Men 181: Tokyo Glory Hole

2010-11-15T21:10:00.000-08:00

What we learned this issue other than that Gojira, Space Cruiser Yamato, Astro Boy, Red Ronin and the Hulk are nothin but dirty bitches.

THE X-DONGS ARE BACK FROM THE SECRET WHORES (WARS) AND THEY HAVE A GREAT BIG FUCKING DRAGON WITH THEM.

THAT DRAGON FUCKS TOKYO RIGHT THE FUCK UP. AND IT WANTS KITTY'S PET MALE DRAGON TO STUFF HIS GENITALS INTO HER LADY DRAGON PARTS.

I THOUGH GENITALS WAS SPELLED WITH AN E. OH WELL, LIVE AND LEARN.

JAPAN TRIES TO SEND THEIR ARMY TO STOP THIS GIANT HORNY DRAGON. OH WAIT, YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKIN ARMY, JAPAN. YOU LOST THAT PRIVILEGE, DIDN'T YOU? BUT AT LEAST YOU HAVE CARS WITH SHITTY BREAKS AND TENTACLE PORN STILL GOING FOR YOU.

THAT ASSHOLE SUNFIRE SHOWS UP.

SUNFIRE TRULY IS A BUTTFUCKING SONOVABITCH.

THE DRAGON FUCKS OFF AND "CASUALTIES AND LOSS OF LIFE WERE KEPT TO A MINIMUM." WELL FUCKING GREAT. NO THANKS TO YOU, LOCKHEED, YOU FUCKING BITCH ASS DRAGON FUCK.

There is a brief, Cyclops and Madelyne Pryor interlude, in which Claremont shows off his bizarre sense of pillow talk.

Maddy: I guess this is what they meant by "for better, for worse."

Cyclops: Could be. I love you, Red.

Maddy: Likewise, Hotshot. 'Til death do us part.

It would've been funnier if Madelyne said, 'til death do us fart! And then cut loose are great flappy baritone blast from her anal sphincter. I mean I would have thought so, anyway.

This issue is a nice mix of silly, Tokyo monster fight + soap opera drama. I give two plumped melons up.

And then at the very end, that dickhead to end all dickheads and also the tip to a previously never ending parade of dicks, Senator Robert Kelly tells some other old white dude in Washington, DC (hey, I fuckin live there), that he's going to introduce some legislation to defend our nation from mutants. Actually it all sounds pretty reasonable. I don't see what the big fuckin deal is.

X-Men 180: Whose double headed fake dongus is it, anyway?

2010-11-15T18:55:00.000-08:00

What we learned this issue besides that I get unreasonably annoyed when people use the word masturbate incorrectly. One person can not masturbate another. You can jerk someone else off (or jag them off, all the same to me) but masturbation is strictly a solo enterprise, hot damn it. You also can't manually masturbate farm animals for artificial insemination, Kevin Smith.

XAVIER HAS FIGURED OUT HOW TO USE HIS LEGS AGAIN, AND THEN USES THEM TO PLAY BASKETBALL LIKE A TOTAL PUSSY INSTEAD OF COMPETING IN THE ANCIENT SPORT OF WRESTLING LIKE A REAL MAN WOULD.

HE'S ALSO GETTING TERRIBLE HEADACHES. PROBABLY JUST THAT TIME OF THE MONTH AGAIN, CHARLIE.

KITTY PRYDE FINALLY HAS A LOVE INTEREST HER AGE, IN DOUG RAMSEY, A WORTHLESS AND LAME NEW MUTANT WHO POWER IS THE ABILITY TO TRANSLATE THINGS. WHAT A LOSER. AND WE HAVE TO WAIT LIKE 60 ISSUES BEFORE HE'S KILLED FOR BEING A TOTAL BUTT WIPE WITH A CHODE POWER (PS ALSO A SPOILER ALERT)

KITTY AND DOUG GO TO AN ARCADE AND THEN GET A BURGER. A RECEIPE FOR A SMOOTH SMOOTH HJ IN THE NEAR FUTURE NO DOUBT.

COLOSSUS HAS A HEART TO HEART WITH WOLVERINE ABOUT NO LONGER WANTING TO BONE KITTY. SHUT UP, PUSSIES.

KITTY AND STORM FINALLY WRING OUT THEIR HORMONES AND TALK ABOUT KITTY'S BULLSHIT "PROBLEM" WITH STORM NEW ATTITUDE, CLOTHES AND MOHAWK, EVEN THOUGH HER ATTITUDE IS STILL PRETTY MUCH THE SAME: MEGA BITCH.

GOD THERE SO MUCH FUCKING TALKING IN THIS ISSUE, WHY WON'T IT FUCKING END. OK LOOK, HERE IS XAVIER PLAYING BASKETBALL.

LIKE A FAGGOT.

Welcome to lametown, population, this fucking issue (and that joke). The only action is Storm fighting some dumb stereotypical street punks. Theyre the type of typical generic (and probably racist) depictions of thugs found in comics. Theyre supposed to be in some sort of mixed race gang that just go around, confidently boasting of hurting innocent people for money and or fun. And then Storm beats them up.

And then She and Kitty menstruate all over each other.

And the X-Men get sucked into some warp and deposited onto the "Battleworld" used for the Marvel Universe crossover limited series Secret Wars, which was also dumb as hell. And I think Ed in Cheif Jim Shooter made Claremont end the Colossus/Kitty underage smoochfest, but I don't know for sure, what do I look like, his fucking biographer?

And then next issue they're all back from the Secret Wars (even though it'll be another 11 months before that limited series ends - guess none of the X-Pals die during it, huh? FYI SPOILED ALERT THAT WAS NOT EVEN MY FAULT) and more adventures, hopefully more interesting than this one, will take place.

LETS STEP UP THE GAME, CLAREMONT, SHALL WE?

X-Men Annual 6: PUD FEUD

2010-11-10T17:13:00.000-08:00

What we learned in this 100th fuggin Balzac's Ballsack post. Shit.

THE X-DONGS FIGHT DRACULA AGAIN AND DRACULA IS A TOTAL DICK.

ALSO FIGHTING DRACULA: A YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE, BLONDE GIRL WHO COMES FROM AN ANCIENT LINEAGE OF VAMPIRE FIGHTERS. YES, JOSS WHEDON IS A BLATANT THIEVING HACK AS WELL.

KITTY IS PMS'ING ALL OVER THE PLACE BECAUSE HER PARENTS GOT A DIVORCE. HEY, BIG DEAL BITCH, NOW YOU CAN GET THEM TO COMPETE FOR YOUR AFFECTION AND EMOTIONALLY EXTORT FREE MONEY AND SHIT FROM THEM. QUIT YER PISSIN AND MOANIN ALREADY.

AND THEN THE X-FONDLERS GET CAUGHT BETWEEN THE AGE OLD FEUD OF DRACULA VS THE VAN HELSINGS VS DRACULA'S WHORE DAUGHTER LILITH VS THE SHAFT OF A LONG LEAN PUD VS THE HAIRY NUT BAG UNDERNEATH THAT PUD THATS LOADED WITH WHITE HOT PUD JUICE VS OK THAT'S E-FUGGIN-NUFF.

THEN THE FEMALE VAN HELSING AND FUTURE BUFFY PROTOTYPE DIES AND SO DOES DRACULA... OR DOES HE? AND THE X-PUDS ARE ALL FINE AT THE END EVEN THOUGH A BUNCH OF THEM GOT THEIR BLOOD SUCKED SLASH STRAIGHT UP POSSESSED BY FUCKIN VAMPIRES.

OH HEY LOOK ITS THAT DINGUS WRINKLE DRACULA NOW:

This was a pretty cool annual but only event of lasting importance was Rachel Van Helsing's death, and that was only a big deal if you follow the Dracula comics from the 70's (I don't), though I hear they were a pretty big deal at the time. It's 1982 now, though, and Dracula is old fuckin news. It's all capes and tights in the Marvel Universe now, so a major Dracula supporting character earns life's great reward rather ignominiously.

For the rest of the X-Men, it's a one and done annual with the only impact to continuity being the divorce of Kitty Pryde's parents. But who gives a shit about that little brat's parents? Not this guy.

The art's handled pretty righteously by Bill Seinkiewicz and Bob Wiacek and I totally had to look up the spelling of their names, though I don't know why I bothered.

And now I'm going to go watch that blowhard James Cameron's masterpiece, True Lies, on TBS, even though that movie is all dumb. Like I give a bull crap.

Next issue, back to the regular issues, damn it!

X-Men 179: What Crappened to Shitty?

2010-11-08T21:31:00.000-08:00

What we learned this issue besides what the bitch happened to motherfucking Kitty god damn Pryde:

WELL SHE'S NOT DEAD, WOLVERINE'S MAGIC MUTANT NOSE SNIFFED OUT THAT CLEVER MORLOCK RUSE.

BUT SHE IS TOTALLY DRUGGED UP AND ABOUT TO MARRY A DISGUSTING WRETCH OF A MUTANT NAMED CALIBAN (BECAUSE CLAREMONTLEBAN'S SHAGSBEARD BONER KNOWS NO EARTHLY LIMITS).

AND COLOSSUS IS STILL FROZEN IN CARBONITE, OR WHATEVER THE HELL HAPPENS TO ORGANIC STEEL WHEN IT'S SUPER HEATED THEN SPRAYED WITH LIQUID NITROGEN.

EVEN AFTER KITTY TRIES TO STOP HIM WHILE IN THE MIDST OF A MORLOCK INDUCED HOMICIDAL RAGE, WOLVERINE HAS TIME FOR TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: "WHY'RE YOU GIVIN' ME GRIEF PUN'KIN?" HE FUCKING SAYS.

EVERYBODY IS FINE AT THE END. EVEN THOUGH THE MORLOCKS ARE TOTAL DICKS, THE ALSO HAVE A DEUS EX MACHINA HEALER WHO SAVES COLOSSUS AND THEN THAT CREEPYFACED DUDE CALIBAN RELEASES KITTY FROM HER OBLIGATION TO MARRY HIM (I FORGET WHY, SOMETHING ABOUT HIM HELPING STOP ANGEL FROM GETTING KILLED OR SOME BULLSHIT) AND EVERYBODY GOES HOME.

A COUPLE THINGS ABOUT THAT: 1) SLAVERY IS ILLEGAL IN THIS COUNTRY, MISTER, ESPECIALLY THE KIND INVOLVING WHITE WOMEN 2) WASN'T KITTY'S FIRE BREATHING PET FUCKIN DRAGON SPECIFICALLY CREATED TO HELP OUT IN SITUATIONS LIKE THIS? 3) LISTEN TO HOW LAME CALIBAN SOUNDS WHEN HE TELLS KITTY SHE CAN GO "REMEMBER HIM KINDLY - NOT AS THE MORLOCK MONSTER - BUT AS THE PRINCE." OK PUSSY, WILL DO.

ANYWAY, HERE ARE THOSE TWO BOZOS ABOUT TO GET MARRIED:

This issue also starts out with some more preposterous Morlock tunnel nonsense. Says the narrator: "There is a city beneath the city - a labyrinthine network of tunnels and passages that reach as deep... as Manhattan's fabled skyscapers do high." Um, no there isn't, dude. Not even close. Also, why are Manhattan's skyscaper's fabled? They're totally fuckin real. I've been in a few of them. Nothing fabley about it.

It is kind of cool to see what a collection of grody lookin bums the Morlock's are, and Romita Jr's art is, dare say, pretty all right. Of course it's helped by Dan The Man Green on inks, so credit where credit is due.

Not much else happens besides Kitty no longer being obligated to marry Caliban and Colossus being magically healed. The fabled (see how I use it hear?) Claremontian subplots are mostly sidelined, except for Kitty still having a big fucking hang up over Storm lezzing it out. Look, it's 1982, Kitty, lighten the fuck up.

It may also be the first time we see Leach, the ugly green alien looking looking Morlock kid who neutralizes Mutant powers. But I'm not sure, though, because I don't give a fucking shit. Oh and Xavier gets randomly attacked by some crazy psychic mind bolts or whatever and it's not explained. It all ties into the Secret Wars Marvel Universe mega cross over that I'm not even going to talk about because the X-Men barely factor into it and go read a blog about the faggot Beyonder if you want to know what its all about, because this here blog is ALL X-TARDS ALL THE TIME.

No jerry curled omnipotent beings allowed. Not even one, despite the fact that I said beingS. This is not the No Homers Club, wise ass.

Anyhowzer, next issue is another annual, seems like a while since we last did one. And it stars Dracula! Back in the good old days when vampires were men and frankensteins were just dudes who created monsters, not the actually monsters themselves, though I still prefer to call the monster Frankenstein, because who cares, dorkface? Mary Shelly can rise from the god damn grave to correct me if she fuckin wants, otherwise shut the fuck up, I don't care.

Then we start a whole new X-Men Essential collection, number 5! Wow we are all such losers, aren't we!?!