X-Men 248: Cradle My Balls

"DON'T WORRY I'VE GOT PLENTY OF WINE!" SAYS THE IDIOTS BEFORE THE HURRICANE. YES VERY CLEVER. WHAT CLEVER PEOPLE I KNOW ON FACEBOOK. ANYWAY, THINGS CONTINUE TO GO DOWNHILL FOR THE X-MEN. HAVOK KILLS STORM? WHAT THE FUDGE?

 WHY DON'T YOU JUMP ON THE TEAM AND COME ON IN FOR THE BIG WIN?

WHOOOOOOOAAAA YOUR LIFE IS A MYSTERY! WHY DO YOU WEAR THAT MASK! SUB ZEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOO!

 ITS A POSE OFF! OR A PUBLICITY SHOT! ONE OF THOSE TWO THINGS!

 OR ADORABLE DEPENDING ON YOUR POINT OF VIEW

NICE BELCH DAZZLER! SMOOTH! GOES WELL WITH THE REST OF THE ONAMONAPIA!

FINE STORM, IF YOU INSIST!

THANKS COVER. REALLY, THANKS A LOT.

Wow, so far no curses. Let's see if I can keep it up for a whole post!

So I didn't get swept into the sea by Hurricane sandy but I did spend some time looking at some horrible facebook posts by people who couldn't stop talking about their HURRICATION. Great, sounds like a fun party for you! Also I think like 80 people dies so far and counting. But enjoy the pinot!

This particular issue is notable because it was one of the first issues my family purchased for me and my brothers, so I read it like maybe 50 times before I even understood what the heck was evening going on. Hah, I said heck. This is stupid. But anyway, we dog eared and spine rolled the bejeebus out of this thing. Back in the day, you see, you only needed like, a dozen or so total comics, since you could read them over and over again until they fell apart. Then you'd annoy your parents for a few more based on how rad the robots or army men looked on the covers (we owned a good amount of Transformers and G.I. Joe comics as a result). I don't really know how we ended up with this issue but between this and a several X-Men Classic issues (reprints of old X-Men) which I also read thousands of times, I turned from an all around Marvel fan who probably leaned toward Spider-Man into a full fledged X-Men fanboy fanatic.

COOL STORY RIGHT?????

This isssue is also the first X-Men comic drawn by Jim Lee. Go look him up, he is pretty famous in the world of comic books. Just this last summer I sat in on a panel he hosted at the San Diego Comic Con. ITS TRUE I GOT TO DO THAT BECAUSE I AM A WINNER. This is very early Jim Lee art but it's still quite good. He'll go on to be (and still is) one of the best artists in comic book history. WHOA IN HISTORY? Yup. As I mentioned, he's quite good.

Plot-wise, Longshot, the blonde mulleted 4 fingered acrobat from another dimension (comics bro), is written out of the book. It's not really explained why, tho. Storm just has some hallucinatory dream explaining that Longshot is gone. I learned from internet sluething that this was becuase Longshot was going to star in his own mini-series, except that mini-series was never made. So he's just sorta gone. OK whatever, so long, LONGshot. HA HA HA WORD PLAY.

Also these terrible villains called Nanny and the Orphan-Maker, who are two robots, one shaped like an egg and the other like Colossus (which was very confusing for me when I first read this book in 1989) fight the X-Men and the X-Men almost lose but then they don't but then Havok accidentially shoots the bad guy's spaceship and Storm was in it and Storm dies. OR DOES SHE?

Come on, it's comics. She valuable intellectual proeprty. She can't die. She'll outlive all of us.

K that's it for another entry. Working from home is really increasing my output here. Too bad storms of the century don't come by all that often. Stupid global warming can't happen fast enough!

X-MEN 247: THE SHITE THAT SMALED

THERE REALLY IS A HURRICANE COMING TO FUCK ME AND THE REST OF THE EAST COAST RIGHT UP TO HELL. BUT THE X-MEN DON'T GIVE A SHIT, THEY HAVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS TO DEAL WITH! LIKE ROWBITS!

HURRICANE MALT LIQUOR IS CLEARLY THE BEST VALUE WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING TO GET HAMMERED ON THE CHEAP. BUT YOU WILL FEEL LIKE KILLING YOURSELF WHEN (IF) YOU NEXT WAKE UP.

OH YEAH I JUST LOVE TO BOLDLY CUT THOSE BIG, WET, ROBUST FARTS.

MMM... THATS A GOOD DEAD WIFE MAKE OUT SESH.

COLOSSUS WATCH OUT YOU DUM DUM!

EVEN I CAN'T BELIEVE I CAME UP WTH THAT TERRIBLE RACIST JOKE.

WHAMMO! The X-Dude Pals are fighting the combined forces of MasterMold/Nimrod the super sentinel! A sentinel is a purple mutant killing robot. A Mastermold/Nimrod mash up is a PINK mutant killing SUPER ROBOT.

The X-Men fight for a while and get beat up because like, THIS ROBOT CAN'T BE KILLED. HE JUST KEEPING COMING BACK. STRONGER. BIGGER. SWEATIER. HAIRIER. VEINIER. Also Senator Robert Kelly's wife dies and if you want to know who Senator Kelly is go look him up. He will probably play a big role in the next X-Men movie too. YOU HEARD IT HEAR FIRST ON HOLLYWOOD BALLSACK REPORT TONIGHT.

It's also fun to see Jubilee very early on in her character development as a like totally maxed out dweeboid vally girl spaz. The dialog is like, over the top lamoid fer shure. But still fun because fuck it, comics bro.

Then there's this little hand held mirror called the Siege Perilous which I think has some King Arthur connection but what do I look like, some medieval fuckin bard? I dunno what it is but it's basically a pocket Deus Ex Machina and Dazzler throws it on the ground and the bad guy gets sucked through it and no more bad guy, problem solved, way to go heros.

BUT WAIT, ROGUE GOT SUCKED THROUGH THE MIRROR THING TOO. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO FUCKING ROGUE?

We don't find out for like, 25 issues. Because this is the start of the dismantling of the X-Men and they don't really become a team again until like 35 issues, which is like A LONG FUCKIN TIME FOR COMICS.

Also, more good art from Silvestri. He's not on this book that much longer before becoming the regular Wolverine penciler and I have to say, his work never looked better in my humble opinion. THE HUMBLE OPINION OF A WORLD RENOWNED X-MEN BLOGGER THAT IS.

K I think that's enough. I'm back on a roll with these entries (I mean, a roll of two anyway) but I don't know if you know this but I'm also a busy professional and WORLD RENOWNED PODCASTER so I don't know for how long I can keep this pace going. Hey you know whats great about podcasting? No motherfucking typos. The draw back is no delete button. BUT HEY, I LIKE EXPERIMENTING IN VARIOUS MEDIA. I AM A SERIOUS FUCKING ARTIST AFTER ALL.

Hopefully you and me and everyone esle doesn't murdered by mother nature and her hell spawned bitch of an executioner, Hurricane Sandy, tonight. Not right after I've just ordered a brand new sofa anyway. It would be a real shame.

X-MEN 246: TITAYS OR OTHER SHITE

OK NO MORE FUCKING AROUND ITS TIME TO ADVANCE THE FUCKING PLOT UP IN THIS BITCH

IF MASTER MOLD (MORE LIKE MASTERBATES MOLD HA HA) DIDN'T HAVE PSYCLOKE IN HIS OTHER HAND HE COULD HAVE GONE ROWBIT SKI POLING

DOST THOU SEEK A TASTY BONE SWORD FOR THY GAPING MAW?

LOOK AT MY HARD DICK, ISNT IT RAD?

                        
I'M THE ONLY PREACHER WITH THE BALLS TO SAY IT.

MAYBE THIS WAS UNCALLED FOR.

BTHAM?

ROWBITS FUCKIN SHIT UP AS ROWBITS DO.

Hey did you guys know that my computer is running super slow and the formating on blogger is fucking up big time? No? Don't care either, do you? I wouldn't. Also Rutgers if fucking up against KENT FUCKING STATE and it is driving me FUCKING CRAZY.

Anyway, this is an excellent issue with lots of action and character moments and plot development and GOD DMAN IT GARY NOVA ANOTHER FUCKING INTERCEPTION?? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???

Anyway is starts with Dazzler thinking about her loiofe and being all emo and MAKE A FUCKING TACKLE GOD DAMN IT..

And then Dazzlers halucinates and then Nimrod the big pink robot mutant hunter shows up and kills some drug dealers in Alphabet City New York and then OH MY GOD ANOTHER FUCKING TOUCHDOWN? DO YOU NOT WANT TO WIN YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES? DO YOU REALIZE HOW PATHETIC IS WILL BE TO LOSE AT HOME TO A MAC SCHOOL? FUCK!!!!!!!!!

Then Wolverine is like, hey Strom, ccheck out this crazy hair I had in this limited series I had with Havok that had lovely art but no one could understand what the fuck was going on. It was called Meltdown and the painted art was fun to look at but couldnt tell a decent story worth shit and I never finished it. Anyway, Im headed off to my regular series now so i wont be in the pages of X-Men for a while FUCK SHIT CUNT FUCKING SON OF A BITCH.

Sorry I can't do this. I'm too pissed off the and computer is being a stupid asshole. Senator Robert Kellys wife dies because Master Mold kills her and whatever. Motherfucking Rutgers. And this computer. Fuck it all. No way am i proofreading this shit either.