X-Men 252: Werewolf Urine

YO DAWG, I HEARD YOU LIKE EX-MEN SO I GOT SOME X-MEN AND SOME DAWGS AND PUT SOME DAWGS AND EX-MEN IN YOUR X-MEN DAWG. 

CYBORG DOGS? WHOA, COOL!

WOLVERINE STARTS LOOSING HIS SHIT IN THIS ISH.

 NERDS.

WOLVERINE MURDERS SOME CYBERDAWGS.

JUBILEE IS PRETTY STUPID.

TOO BAD LEONARDO WAS THE LAMEST OF ALL THE TURTLES.

YOU HAVE TO BE CLEVER IF YOU ARE GOING TO TRY AND SHOW THE PASSAGE OF TIME IN A SERIES OF STATIC IMAGES. THIS IS A GOOD EXAMPLE BY CONSUMMATE PROFESSIONALS!

When we last saw Wolverine, he being nailed to a fucking cross, but thanks to scrappy asian valley girl mutant Jubilee, he escaped, and now all the evil cyborg bad guys are like, WHERES WOLVERINE AND WEREWOLF URINE (hahah, get it? I liked it).

But Wolviepoo is all fucked up and starts hallucinating. He imagines ghost Nick Fury and ghost Carol Danvers are following him around. But nope, just an underage runaway chick.

Then the two of them fight some cyborgs and cyborg dogs.

The art is a major change up but not too bad. Rick Leonardi has filled in before but Kent Williams is the inker and I don't think I've ever seen anything else he's ever done. He has a very unique, scratchy style. Reminiscent of Sam Keith. Anyway, its fine.

A pretty bad ass cover by Jim Lee inked by Bill Sienkiwicz too. Thats a nifty combo.

The story is also all right. Enjoy the constant references to Die Hard and Lethel Weapon by Jubilee. Hey it's the late 80's, cool!

OK THATS IT FROM ME. SHORT AND SWEET AND NO ITS TIME FOR DIN DIN.

X-MEN 251: BEAVER DREAM

I'D LIKE TO GET DOWN ON SOME OF THAT RED HOT BEAVER ACTION IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THIS REALLY IS ONE OF THE GANRLIEST MAINSTREAM SUPERHERO COMIC BOOK COVERS OF THE 20TH CENTURY. AND OF COURSE IT IS ALSO IMPROVED BY GIVING WOLVERINE A BONER.

SAY THAT REMINDS ME, EVER NOTICE HOW A LOT OF THOSE CRUCIFIXES MAKE IT LOOK LIKE JESUS IS DOING A 'SCHWING' FROM WAYNE'S WORLD? WELL I NOTICE. I NOTICE IT A LOT.

UHHH..... WAS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?

BEING CRUCIFIED IS NO PINIC, BELIEVE YOU ME.

WOLVIE'S ALWAYS GOT BEAV ON THE MIND.

THATS DONALD PIERCE. HE'S A CYBORG, SO HE'S AWESOME, OBV.

MAN. REMEMBER WHEN WOLVERINE WAS FUCKING AWESOME AND OWNED EVERYONE AND COULD JUST RIP HIMSELF OFF A CRUCIFIX IF HE FUCKING WANTED TO BECAUSE HE IS A BOSS AND DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT?

So this issue was obviously awesome. It's often cited as "the one where Wolverine gets crucified" and is considered a high point of Claremont's Australian run by nerds, virgins and shut-ins throughout the blogosphere. It's also pretty much the end of the 'Oz-Men', as the remaining X-Turkeys except Wolveroonie (who's busy being crucified, duh) walk through the Deus Ex-Seige Perilous and the team is effectively kaput. It'll be another 25 issues and 2 years or so before Claremont is foreced by his editors to get the band back together. When he finally does though, the X-Men start selling literally millions of copies of comic books, but it also preciptates Claremont's depature from the franchise. But all that is a tale for another time. Like when I finally get to those issues, which will be, I don't know, later. Who even fucking cares, it's not like anyone is reading this shit anyway.

The schedule and motivation behind these blog posts is not important. What matters is that Wolverine is getting fucked the fuck up by cybernetic mercenary assholes. And while he's getting tortured he starts hallucinating all sorts of shit. Like basically all the characters he's interacted with in comics for the last 5 years, as well as what happened to the X-Men while he was taking his sweet ass time getting back to thier home base.

It's all rather confusing, especially for dorky 12 year old fanboys. There was no internet to look this shit up on, so I just enjoyed the pretty pictures and watched Duck Tales.

Anyway, Wolverine's indomitable will allows him to survive the Reavers' 'Passion of the Logan' (classic evil villain mistake numero uno, bro. Just kill the motherfucker), and he escapes and then meets his new sidekick, Korean-American valley girl teenager Jubilee.

GREAT, GRAND, WONDERFUL. CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

X-MEN 250: THE SHATTERED BONE SWORDS

WELL THIS IS A BIG ANNIVERSARY ISSUE THE BIG TWO FIVE OH BUT GUESS WHAT? I HAD A BIG PARTY FOR UNO SO I'M GOING TO BLITZ THRU THIS SHIT.

PAL IS FROM GROO. HEE;S PART OF THE DUO, PAL AND DRUMM. FUCKING GET IT? FUCKING GROO IS THE BEST.

LIKE THE TOWERING BONER OF A CYCLOPS.

HIS NAME IS AMPHIBIUS. WHICH IS JUST A WORD SPELT WRONG.

OK WHATEVER FEMALE ZORRO LADY.

EXCUSE YOU. BY THE WAY THESE BUD PLATS ARE DELISH.

SURE YOU DID.

WHATEVER NO NEED TO BRAG ABOUT IT.

HER HAIR IS RETARDED. NO OFFENCE RETARDS.

Hey guys this was another decent all right comic. an anniversary issue but not so monumental. they came out twice a month during this time. i was 7 and didnt buy them yet. 7 or 8. probably 8. anyway, they x-men go to the savage land, beat up some bad guys, leave, but the bad guys arent totally dead. i think thats it. ok im drunk now bye bye!

X-MEN 249: THE DANE VEEDNER CURSE

DANE VEEDNER IS A FRIEND OF MINE AND THE NUMBER ONE PENGUIN ATTORNEY OF CALVERT COUNTY, MARYLAND. CALVERT COUNTY IS A SAVAGE PLACE RIFE WITH TERRIBLE REDNECKS AND SUBHUMAN SCUM. HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE SCUM!

THAT'S VIV SAVAGE IN THE CORNER BOX THERE. BETCHA DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

 SHIT SANDWICH.

I'VE BEEN THERE, HAVOK. I'VE BEEN THERE MANY TIMES.

IF YOU'RE GONNA SPEW, SPEW IN THIS.

I WAS ORIGINALLY GOING TO HAVE COLOSSUS SAY "PAINTING IS FOR FAGS!" BUT I FIGURED THAT WAS TOO INSENSITIVE.

THEN THINGS GET WIERD!

DEFENDER WAS ALSO SOME GOOD SHIT.

HANDLE THAT FUCKIN OSTRICH, COLOSSUS. FUCKIN GET SOME.

THIS WAS JUST A SUPER COOL CARTOONY PANEL THAT I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE RE-CAPTIONING. ITS A FUCKING MANIAC WITH FOUR ARMS WHALING ON SOME OTHER DUDE WHO'S MADE OUT OF STEEL. FUCKING COMICS BRO. FUCKIN COMICS.

Fucking Pitt. Can't fucking beat fucking Notre Dame. I swear to god if Notre Dame wins a national championship and I have to hear about what a prestigous fucking program it is for years I will fucking shit a radiator. Fuck Notre Dame. And fuck the Irish. Disgusting filth. If Ireland is so fucking great why are the so many Irish people in places that aren't Ireland? Go back to your miserable papist island of mud and puke and stop shitting up the rest of the world why don't you? And by all means, stop speaking English and revive your ancient, useless Celtic Gaelic language. All the better to ignore you rummy numbskulls.

Right, anyway, this was another pretty all right issue. I really am enjoying the shit out of Marc Silvestri's artistry. He is the fucking man.

Plotwise a bunch of stuff happens. Emo Havok mopes because he "killed" Storm. Spoiler alert: Storm is not dead, a no doy! Then he gets a call from his ex-girlfriend, Lorna Dane (nice name, not). Lorna Dane, aka Polaris, has been possesed by an evil spirit called Malice, that turns people into total dicks. But Polaris is fighting for control and reaches out to Havok for help. So the X-Men go to Punta Arenas in Argentina and are immediatley surrounded by awful Argie garbage people. Then Zaladane and the Mutates show up, who are from the Savage Land, which is a pocket of dinosaur infested jungle in the middle of Antarctica. One of the mutates has four arms and looks like Goro. Another is a frog-man. The X-Men fight and win, but Zaladane and the mutates escape back to the Savage Land with Polaris, and Havok goes undercover with them to free his lady love. Also the Reavers are still out there lurking and tracking the X-Men. The Reavers are a pack of murderous cyborg outlaws.

HOLY SHIT HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THESE FUCKING COMICS?

What do other people do with their time that doesn't involve reading X-Men? Watch Law and fucking Order? Fuck that noise.

OK I'm hungry and I need to eat and it's day lights savings so I get an extra hour of drinking so I'm peacing the fuck out of this motherfucker.

So peace already! 

X-Men 248: Cradle My Balls

"DON'T WORRY I'VE GOT PLENTY OF WINE!" SAYS THE IDIOTS BEFORE THE HURRICANE. YES VERY CLEVER. WHAT CLEVER PEOPLE I KNOW ON FACEBOOK. ANYWAY, THINGS CONTINUE TO GO DOWNHILL FOR THE X-MEN. HAVOK KILLS STORM? WHAT THE FUDGE?

 WHY DON'T YOU JUMP ON THE TEAM AND COME ON IN FOR THE BIG WIN?

WHOOOOOOOAAAA YOUR LIFE IS A MYSTERY! WHY DO YOU WEAR THAT MASK! SUB ZEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOO!

 ITS A POSE OFF! OR A PUBLICITY SHOT! ONE OF THOSE TWO THINGS!

 OR ADORABLE DEPENDING ON YOUR POINT OF VIEW

NICE BELCH DAZZLER! SMOOTH! GOES WELL WITH THE REST OF THE ONAMONAPIA!

FINE STORM, IF YOU INSIST!

THANKS COVER. REALLY, THANKS A LOT.

Wow, so far no curses. Let's see if I can keep it up for a whole post!

So I didn't get swept into the sea by Hurricane sandy but I did spend some time looking at some horrible facebook posts by people who couldn't stop talking about their HURRICATION. Great, sounds like a fun party for you! Also I think like 80 people dies so far and counting. But enjoy the pinot!

This particular issue is notable because it was one of the first issues my family purchased for me and my brothers, so I read it like maybe 50 times before I even understood what the heck was evening going on. Hah, I said heck. This is stupid. But anyway, we dog eared and spine rolled the bejeebus out of this thing. Back in the day, you see, you only needed like, a dozen or so total comics, since you could read them over and over again until they fell apart. Then you'd annoy your parents for a few more based on how rad the robots or army men looked on the covers (we owned a good amount of Transformers and G.I. Joe comics as a result). I don't really know how we ended up with this issue but between this and a several X-Men Classic issues (reprints of old X-Men) which I also read thousands of times, I turned from an all around Marvel fan who probably leaned toward Spider-Man into a full fledged X-Men fanboy fanatic.

COOL STORY RIGHT?????

This isssue is also the first X-Men comic drawn by Jim Lee. Go look him up, he is pretty famous in the world of comic books. Just this last summer I sat in on a panel he hosted at the San Diego Comic Con. ITS TRUE I GOT TO DO THAT BECAUSE I AM A WINNER. This is very early Jim Lee art but it's still quite good. He'll go on to be (and still is) one of the best artists in comic book history. WHOA IN HISTORY? Yup. As I mentioned, he's quite good.

Plot-wise, Longshot, the blonde mulleted 4 fingered acrobat from another dimension (comics bro), is written out of the book. It's not really explained why, tho. Storm just has some hallucinatory dream explaining that Longshot is gone. I learned from internet sluething that this was becuase Longshot was going to star in his own mini-series, except that mini-series was never made. So he's just sorta gone. OK whatever, so long, LONGshot. HA HA HA WORD PLAY.

Also these terrible villains called Nanny and the Orphan-Maker, who are two robots, one shaped like an egg and the other like Colossus (which was very confusing for me when I first read this book in 1989) fight the X-Men and the X-Men almost lose but then they don't but then Havok accidentially shoots the bad guy's spaceship and Storm was in it and Storm dies. OR DOES SHE?

Come on, it's comics. She valuable intellectual proeprty. She can't die. She'll outlive all of us.

K that's it for another entry. Working from home is really increasing my output here. Too bad storms of the century don't come by all that often. Stupid global warming can't happen fast enough!

X-MEN 247: THE SHITE THAT SMALED

THERE REALLY IS A HURRICANE COMING TO FUCK ME AND THE REST OF THE EAST COAST RIGHT UP TO HELL. BUT THE X-MEN DON'T GIVE A SHIT, THEY HAVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS TO DEAL WITH! LIKE ROWBITS!

HURRICANE MALT LIQUOR IS CLEARLY THE BEST VALUE WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING TO GET HAMMERED ON THE CHEAP. BUT YOU WILL FEEL LIKE KILLING YOURSELF WHEN (IF) YOU NEXT WAKE UP.

OH YEAH I JUST LOVE TO BOLDLY CUT THOSE BIG, WET, ROBUST FARTS.

MMM... THATS A GOOD DEAD WIFE MAKE OUT SESH.

COLOSSUS WATCH OUT YOU DUM DUM!

EVEN I CAN'T BELIEVE I CAME UP WTH THAT TERRIBLE RACIST JOKE.

WHAMMO! The X-Dude Pals are fighting the combined forces of MasterMold/Nimrod the super sentinel! A sentinel is a purple mutant killing robot. A Mastermold/Nimrod mash up is a PINK mutant killing SUPER ROBOT.

The X-Men fight for a while and get beat up because like, THIS ROBOT CAN'T BE KILLED. HE JUST KEEPING COMING BACK. STRONGER. BIGGER. SWEATIER. HAIRIER. VEINIER. Also Senator Robert Kelly's wife dies and if you want to know who Senator Kelly is go look him up. He will probably play a big role in the next X-Men movie too. YOU HEARD IT HEAR FIRST ON HOLLYWOOD BALLSACK REPORT TONIGHT.

It's also fun to see Jubilee very early on in her character development as a like totally maxed out dweeboid vally girl spaz. The dialog is like, over the top lamoid fer shure. But still fun because fuck it, comics bro.

Then there's this little hand held mirror called the Siege Perilous which I think has some King Arthur connection but what do I look like, some medieval fuckin bard? I dunno what it is but it's basically a pocket Deus Ex Machina and Dazzler throws it on the ground and the bad guy gets sucked through it and no more bad guy, problem solved, way to go heros.

BUT WAIT, ROGUE GOT SUCKED THROUGH THE MIRROR THING TOO. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO FUCKING ROGUE?

We don't find out for like, 25 issues. Because this is the start of the dismantling of the X-Men and they don't really become a team again until like 35 issues, which is like A LONG FUCKIN TIME FOR COMICS.

Also, more good art from Silvestri. He's not on this book that much longer before becoming the regular Wolverine penciler and I have to say, his work never looked better in my humble opinion. THE HUMBLE OPINION OF A WORLD RENOWNED X-MEN BLOGGER THAT IS.

K I think that's enough. I'm back on a roll with these entries (I mean, a roll of two anyway) but I don't know if you know this but I'm also a busy professional and WORLD RENOWNED PODCASTER so I don't know for how long I can keep this pace going. Hey you know whats great about podcasting? No motherfucking typos. The draw back is no delete button. BUT HEY, I LIKE EXPERIMENTING IN VARIOUS MEDIA. I AM A SERIOUS FUCKING ARTIST AFTER ALL.

Hopefully you and me and everyone esle doesn't murdered by mother nature and her hell spawned bitch of an executioner, Hurricane Sandy, tonight. Not right after I've just ordered a brand new sofa anyway. It would be a real shame.

X-MEN 246: TITAYS OR OTHER SHITE

OK NO MORE FUCKING AROUND ITS TIME TO ADVANCE THE FUCKING PLOT UP IN THIS BITCH

IF MASTER MOLD (MORE LIKE MASTERBATES MOLD HA HA) DIDN'T HAVE PSYCLOKE IN HIS OTHER HAND HE COULD HAVE GONE ROWBIT SKI POLING

DOST THOU SEEK A TASTY BONE SWORD FOR THY GAPING MAW?

LOOK AT MY HARD DICK, ISNT IT RAD?

                        
I'M THE ONLY PREACHER WITH THE BALLS TO SAY IT.

MAYBE THIS WAS UNCALLED FOR.

BTHAM?

ROWBITS FUCKIN SHIT UP AS ROWBITS DO.

Hey did you guys know that my computer is running super slow and the formating on blogger is fucking up big time? No? Don't care either, do you? I wouldn't. Also Rutgers if fucking up against KENT FUCKING STATE and it is driving me FUCKING CRAZY.

Anyway, this is an excellent issue with lots of action and character moments and plot development and GOD DMAN IT GARY NOVA ANOTHER FUCKING INTERCEPTION?? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???

Anyway is starts with Dazzler thinking about her loiofe and being all emo and MAKE A FUCKING TACKLE GOD DAMN IT..

And then Dazzlers halucinates and then Nimrod the big pink robot mutant hunter shows up and kills some drug dealers in Alphabet City New York and then OH MY GOD ANOTHER FUCKING TOUCHDOWN? DO YOU NOT WANT TO WIN YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES? DO YOU REALIZE HOW PATHETIC IS WILL BE TO LOSE AT HOME TO A MAC SCHOOL? FUCK!!!!!!!!!

Then Wolverine is like, hey Strom, ccheck out this crazy hair I had in this limited series I had with Havok that had lovely art but no one could understand what the fuck was going on. It was called Meltdown and the painted art was fun to look at but couldnt tell a decent story worth shit and I never finished it. Anyway, Im headed off to my regular series now so i wont be in the pages of X-Men for a while FUCK SHIT CUNT FUCKING SON OF A BITCH.

Sorry I can't do this. I'm too pissed off the and computer is being a stupid asshole. Senator Robert Kellys wife dies because Master Mold kills her and whatever. Motherfucking Rutgers. And this computer. Fuck it all. No way am i proofreading this shit either.

X-MEN 245: MENTOS

ROB LIEFELD IS GONNA DRAW SOME TINY FEET UP IN THIS BITCH

 

Holy shit it's been a while. But thats because I'm lazy and have been working on my Fuggin Shagsbere Magnum Opus in progress. You know fuggin shagsbere right? Wait, who am I talking to?

Anyway, here's some shit I learned in this issue:

• Havok has experince with cybernetics!
• Wolverine mixes up geese and gander!
• Dazzler makes an inside joke about Revlon's parent comapny buying Marvel Comics!
• The See Cubed Cosmic Cutie Commandos are raveness flying hell babes!
• Jimmy Olsen and the douche bags form the Daily Planet make a cameo!
• Wolverine is a regular card shark!
• Looks like Havok has played Knifey Spooney Blaster before!

The artist on this is Rob Liefeld. You really need to look up this guy on the internet but the short version is as a teenager he showed up in the comic book industry and revolutionized it with his EXTREME but technically deficient penciling. He is the embodiment of all the excess and glory of the early 90's comic glut. His work inspired legions of impressionable fanboys (ie ME). His style is frenetic and inimitable but when held up to scrutiny also utterly crap. But whatever, it was fun as hell to look at, often in the so-bad-it's-good variety.

I tried to do a few recaptions but then I got lazy and figured it would be better to let the art speak for itself. And by speak I mean put its hand in its armpit and make fart noises. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is my favorite panel every to end an X-Men comic. Actually theres a one page epiloge about the Hellfire Club after this but that doesn't matter. Look how 80's sitcomy it is! I'm going to assume Claremont meant to do that tongue in cheeck because that's how the rest of the comic readd and also because it is MASTERFUL.

 

Ah hah hah haha.... Men! Am I right, ladies?

 

Anyway, if you couldn't tell, and I'd be shocked if you could, this issue involved an alien invasion that the X-Men repeal. Well, just the MEN anyway. The ladies had their fun shopping trip last issue. THIS TIME, it's a DUDES NIGHT OUT in Australia, with lots of beers and aliens and guns and fights and POKER. Hey, poker in the front, liqour in the back, am I right bros?

 

Anyway, I'm too fucking lazy to do any more and I have a busy schedule to maintain so GO BUY THIS ISSUE and read it because it is pretty rad. It's full of jokes and quips and goofs and japes. So much so that I might even go so far as to say it's a playful romp. A fun respite from the typical mutant melodrama.

 

OK, maybe I'll try harder next time. OR MAYBE THERE WON'T BE A NEXT TIME.