X-Men 231: Breasts that Shimmer

What we learn this issue besides that Colossus' shiny metal pecs shimmer in the sun. 

ITS MUTANT VS MONSTER IN THIS DRAMATIC POSE OFF.

HEY COLOSSUS, LET OFF SOME STEAM.

HAHAHAH, JUST LIKE COMMANDO.

WHAT DO YOU TELL AN X-WOMAN WITH TWO BLACK EYES? NOTHING YOU'VE ALREADY TOLD HER TWICE! UP TOP BRO!

COLOSSUS YOU SLUT.

YOU MEAN YOU NEVER READ THE MASTER AND MARGARITA? YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, GO TO A FUCKING LIBRARY WHY DON'T YOU.

The X-Men take another detour from their typical Australian ownage so that Colossus can go hang out with his demon sorceress kid sister, Illyana, or Magik as she is stupidly called, and for Claremont to reference some lame literary classic and show off how smart and cultured he is. Well la-dee-da Mr Russian literature man. Sorry I was too busy catching up on my Nabokov to get around to reading Bulgakov's magnum opus.

Anyway, it's not a bad issue. A little tangential, with Baba fucking Yaga showing up as the antagonist. But it's always good to see Illyana Rasputin, the innocent 7 year old who was abducted to hell raped by demons until she learned to master the dark arts, fought back against her oppressors and conquered hell for herself. Except Claremont has to call Hell 'Limbo' for some dumb reason. Magik is one of the most bizarre characters in all of fiction so I usually enjoy her stories.

But even though Colossus saves her sister and the New Mutants from the Slavic folklore terrors, Illyana still things he's dead, along with the rest of the X-Men, and that what she saw was just some phantom apparition.

Nothing of real consequence happens but there is more good characterization by Claremont and Leonardi's art is excellent as a fill in for Marc Silvestri. His cover kind of blows though. Too busy, and too many primary color's distracting from what should be the focal point of Colossus and S'ym. See issue 229 for how a cover like that should be composed.

Not sure if this was a planned filler or if the editors commissioned this to be used whenever Silvestri fell behind schedule and just had to use it really early. Either way, next is the start of a 3 part Brood storyline (yes, the fucking sleazoids). GREAT, FUCKING SLEAZOIDS.

X-Men 230: Twat the Night... didn't we already do that one?

What we learn this issue besides that cyborgs criminals are dirty slobs.

REPLACING CYBORGS WITH TREASURE GHOSTS IS NOT A FAIR TRADE.

YEAH, BE A LITTLE MORE DRAMATIC WILL YOU MADDY?

LONGSHOT HAS THE MOST RANDOM AND USELESS MUTANT ABILITY TO SEE TREASURE GHOSTS. I'D QUIT SUPERHEROING IF THAT WAS MY POWER. FUCK TREASURE GHOSTS.

REALLY THOUGH I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE.

 DO IT ROGUE, FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!

 X-MEN CELEBRATE A JOB WELL DONE BY GETTING BLITZED. NICE.

I GOT NOTHING.

This issue was fine but way more boring the cyborg slugfest from last issue. The X-Duds find the Reavers stash of stolen loot and spend the rest of the issue returning it on Christmas Eve. Dongshot, I mean Longshit, discovers the booty when the ghosts of the pilfered spoils start talking to him.

Yeah pretty silly. Also the X-Mopes train by fake fighting each other. And they clean out all the shit leftover by the disgusting little piggies, Reavers.

Claremont did a nice job quietly slipping in a Christmas themed issue, except that the X-Elves deliver their shit all over the globe, and most of the globe doesn't believe in Santa Claus because they are a bunch of dirt worshiping heathens.

But whatever. Everything else was fine. Just fine. Marvel printed like 680,000 of these issues so go find out for yourself; copies shouldn't be too hard to find.

Next issue, fuggin sleazoids are back!

X-Men 229: THE BEST LITTLE CYBORG BAR IN AUSTRALIA

What we learn this issue besides that drunk cyborgs are pretty much the best thing anyone can add to a fictional narrative ever. 

MAN THAT IS ONE VAGINA I DO NOT WANT TO SEE A PROACTIV AD FOR.

CYBERNETIC BANK ROBBERS SHOW NO MERCY

HOW ARE THERE NOT MORE NAKED ABORIGINES IN ALL MEDIA?

I WOULD LIVE AT THAT FUCKIN BAR

THAT GUY'S NICKNAME IS NOT BEAVE, BY THE WAY.

ROGUE'S TALKING ABOUT HER PUSSY.

WOLVERINE LAYS WASTE TO CYBORGS LIKE A BOSS.

HOLY ROBOPLOP THAT GANG OFF HALF MAN-HALF MACHINE MANIACS LOOKS BAD AS HELL. I WANT IN!

Proving that he is truly a master craftsman of speculative fiction, Chris Claremont decided that the Uncanny X-Men were decidedly lacking in vicious cyborg killers, so he added the Reavers, a name Joss Whedon ripped off for his good but not spooge worthy series Firefly. The Reavers, whose origin is unknown at the moment, chill out in an abandon mining town in the middle the Australian outback. The travel from bank to bank, robbing, murdering and pillaging with the help of a mute, loin clothed aborigine, who teleports them around with his magic bullroarer/mutant powers. The Reavers are blackmailing the indigenous tribesman into doing their bidding, lest they permanently desecrate his holy land. Oh, right, of course.

But the X-Nards are heroes and are having none of that shit. So after successfully knocking off a Singaporean bank, the Reavers come back home to celebrate by getting super dunk, only to wake up with massive hang overs and the X-Wads all up in their shit.

The X-Pals easily win but the three main Reavers, Bonecrusher, Skullbuster and Pretty Boy, escape through the naked abo's portal. Why the naked abo (who's name is Gateway, or at least that's what everyone calls him) would help the Reavers escape instead of trapping them for the X-Men to capture, or maybe just teleporting them out into the middle of the fucking ocean instead of safety, is beyond me. Maybe he didn't realize that the X-Men just beat the fucking shit out of all the other Reavers, but whatever.

Then fuckin Roma, the Guardian of Reality and convenient Deus Ex Machina, shows up to help the X-Men get rid of the captured Reavers though the Siege Perilous, which is a big mirror/plot device that doesn't really make any sense.

Also I don't know if you noticed but all the Reavers wear black leather S&M gear. Sure, why not?

So this is the new status quo for the X-Bags. A bunch of mutants and one human/clone of a mutant (that's Madeline Pryor if you haven't been keeping up), chilling in Australia in an abandoned criminal cyborg gang hideout with a mysterious naked aborigine. It's definitely one of the weirdest but also awesomest time period in X-Men history.

Also Marc Silverstri shreds it up with more slick art. My only complaint is all his faces look exactly the same. Got kind of a South Park problem going. Without unique hair or costumes or a hat or something there's no way to tell people apart. But luckily it is a comic book so everyone is always wearing ridiculous costumes so who gives a shit? Not me!

The weirdness continues next issue but unfortunately with less cyborgs. :'(