X-MEN 115: Visions of farts

Suaron faces of against the X-Men in the Savage Land, as I continue to mail in the title parodies!

The ish picks up right where we left off, with the villianous flying lizard Sauron dragging unconscious Storm away from the rest of the X-Men, telling them that "SAURON SHALL RULE THIS SAVAGE LAND!"

And then bad ass Wolverine says: "THE ONLY PLACE YOU'RE GOING TO RULE... IS IN HELL!"

You fucking tell him Wolverine!

And then they fight for a while. Sauron, besides being a flying dragon type, can also drain victim's life energy (hence the vampire analogy) AND control people's mind with his evil gaze. Eventually Sauron tries to suck some of Colossus' pud force but is thwarted when Petey changes from meaty pink Colossus to shiny metal Colossus, which causes a power surge feedback of pud that fucks Sauron up, who then changes back to his pussy human self.

You kind of feel bad for Sauron though. He just wanted to protect his pterodactyl eggs and raptor bacon. Who wouldn't, right?

Then right before Wolverine stabs' Sauron's fucking face, Tarzan rip-off Ka-Zar shows up with his pet sabertooth tiger. Then everybody gets together and explains some gayness about the Savage Land that is pretty boring and soon they realize they must join forces to defeat evil rock god GAROKK (yes that's right) who's been summoned to fuck things up by equally evil Savage Land priestess Zaladane, who has the power to reincarnate evil gods with her massive cleavage.

Cyclops, exhibiting an uncommon shred of common sense, recognizes that the X-Men have found themselves in the middle of some jagov civil war in Antarctica and instructs the X-Men that they have bigger fish to fry, despite vehement protest from Wolverine, who decides that Ka-zar's plight sounds like his "kind'a fracas." Alas, poor Wolvie, Cyke is still in charge, and the X-Men prepare to depart.

But then it starts snowing in the Savage Land, which the X-Men decide is the sign of a true emergency that the former situation was lacking, and now avail themselves to Ka-zar and his people.

The Battle between Gay-zar the the X-Turds vs badguy Rock face god and evil priestiess Zalatits takes place next issue. Can't fuggin wait.

Some pretty good fightin in this one but a lot of valuable real estate was taken up by a bunch of Savage Land backstory that needed to be explained. I guess Ka-Zar had his own comic running concurrently and the editors thought a cross over would be a good idea. I dunno, the Savage Land is kind of a cool idea but Ka-zar is a boring asshole. Who cares if the Savage Land is fucked? Fuck the whole continent, no one gives a shit about Antarctica. I'm sorry you like running around in a loin cloth with your giant cat but it's time to get with it Ka-zar. And cut that disgusting mullet off you dickhead.

And Sauron is also an ok villian but I get tired of him too. He first appeared at the tail end of the X-Men's Silver Age run as a supposedly ingenious way around the ban on depictions of vampires in mainstream comics (that was a real thing, by the way). So instead of an immortal Eastern European prince who sucked the blood of virgin babes, he's a scientist who accidentally transformed himself into an evil pterodactyl man who drains people's life forces. HOW IS THAT IN ANYWAY LIKE A FUCKING VAMPIRE? IT IS NOT. But with vampires being totally for the gays now, what with Twilight and all, I guess its a moot fucking point.

Anyway, if you want to know what the fuck the pterodactyl eggs and raptor bacon references were, watch this clip at around the 6 minute mark. it probably still won't make any sense but so fucking what.