X-Men Annual 9: There's no plague like homos

What we learn this issue, other than that GARGOYLES CAN BELCH:

So that was easily the most bigoted fake issue title I've come up with yet. Bet Dorothy Gale never saw THAT one coming.

So here, let me make up for it with the least offensive re-word ballooning I've ever done. EVER.

I'm not going to go into much detail with this one. It's the second half of a summer annual team up with the Newd Mootants and it's incredibly rad. It's all drawn by Arthur Adams, who is actually the best artist in the history of comic books (you don't believe me? Well SHUT UP cause you're wrong!).

Loki is still mad at the X-Men for foiling his plans for fucking up both X-Mens And Alf-Alfa Flight in an earlier mini-series, so he starts fucking with everyone, especially Storm, who he has a massive boner for. It's mostly the Noob Mewtints that save the day, rompusing through Asgard and all manner of phantasitcal locations and inhabitants. It's like reading a fucking Dragon Book but with Super Heroes! NERDGASM UP IN THIS BEATCH.

Anyway, I gotta go take a shit on account of all these stale cookies I just wolfed down. Go buy the trade paperback 'Asgardian Wars' on Amazon if you want to know more. It's the fuckin tits! Now it's poop time!

X-Men 201: Stuel - like from a butt

What we learn this issue besides that someone has lost their damn mind and decided that Storm with no powers would beat Cyclops with powers in a fight. Just ridiculous.

RACHEL SUMMERS IS STILL DRESSED AND COIFFED LIKE A MAN. WHATEVER RACHEL, IMMA DO ME, YOU DO YOU, AIGHT?

EVEN AFTER SQUIRTING A BABY HUMAN OUT OF HER VAGINA, MADELYNE PRYOR IS STRONG AS AN OX, FRESH OUT THE BOX, THE CROWD SO LIVE, THEY COMIN IN FLOCKS.

SPEAKING OF BIRTHING, LILANDRA SAYS SHE COULD NOT HAVE BORNE LOSING XAVIER. "NOR I, YOU, BELOVED." SAYS PUSSY WHIPPED XAVIER... IN SPACE!

ROGUE GIVES RONALD REAGAN A BONER.

CYCLOPS SAYS HIS JOB IS TO LEAD THE X-MAN AND MADELYNE HAS TO STAY HOME AND RAISE THE BABY. WHAT AM I MISSING HERE, WHERE IS THE CONFLICT?

THEN SOME BULLSHIT FIGHT HAPPENS AND STORM BEATS CYCLOPS BASICALLY BY CHEATING. SO FUCK THAT SHIT.

Madelyne Pryor finally drops the baby she made with her ovaries and Cyclops' spermatozoa. Kitty totally hates it though because Kitty hates fucking babies.

See? Later, like 6 years or in real time, an old grey haired cyborg will show up in the X-Mansion and start training the Nood Mootants with guns and shoulder pads and tiny feet by the name of Cable. It will later be revealed, like 2 or 3 years later I think, that Cyclops and Madelyne's baby, which was taken into the future so it could be cured of a techno-organic virus (no I don't know what that is) given to it by the evil 5,000 year old mutant Apocalypse, was saved by a caste of warrior women known as the Askani, grew up, adopted the name Cable, then went back in time to lead the Newt Mewtints.

And if that makes sense to you then you are a huge fucking dork.

Also, the X-Men play fucking baseball!

Colossus hits the ball so hard it goes up into the stratosphere right by Air Force one. The New York Mets are mentioned because THE NEW YORK METS ARE FUCKING GREAT. Rogue goes after the baseball and because she's wearing tiny black panties and a loose fitting top, the great communicator gets a great erection. Or at least he would if they had invented Viagra by then. I mean his buddy Senator Dole was obviously a fan, he said so on a fucking tv commercial, 'member?

In other news, Xavier is gone from the X-Me, until around issues 275, I think, cause he's stuck in space with his bird alien girlfriend and a crew of space pirates led by Cyclops' dad, Cosair. So that's big fucking news. And Cyclops, who's all fucked up because he has a kid now but he's needed more than ever with the X-men because Xavier is gone, ends up losing a fight to Storm, who has no powers and just gotten the fuck beaten out of her in fucking Africa.

LEADERSHIP AND LAZER LOCK AIM ARE TWO OF CYCLOPS' 3 FUCKING POWERS (the other being his optic blasts, der). HE WOULD NOT LOSE TO A DEPOWERED STORM IN A FIGHT. EVER.

Storm somehow dodged several of Cyclop's FAST AS THE SPEED OF LIGHT blasts, tripped him with a belt, then took his visor off. Then Cyclops gave up. Thats the whole friggin fight. Embarrassing. Someone retcon this shit already because it is a god damn blight on his character.

Now Cyclops will be remembered as the asshole who left his wife and infant baby to get his ass kicked by a girl. Fuck that shit.

WORST ISSUE EVER. I am furious. Next issue: probably more of this bullcrap. God fuck it all.

X-Men 200: The Trial of Magnetballs

What we learned in this double sized bicentennial issue of X-Mans other than that the trial is taking place is Paris, France. A oui oui et poo poo.

CLAREMONT'S BUDDY NEAL CONAN IS STILL BEING NAME DROPPED WHEN NPR NEWS IS USED AS A NARRATOR.

NOT TO BRAG OR NOTHING BUT I'VE BEEN TO THE FUCKIN PALAIS DE JUSTICE, WHERE THEY ARE HOLDING THE TRIAL FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER. SO I'M A WORLD TRAVELER, NO BIG WHOOP.

THE X-BAGS AND NEWD MOOTANTS TELEPORT IN FROM ASGARD. IT'S A LONG STORY AND TAKES PLACE IN ANNUAL #9, WHICH I HAVENT REVIEWED YET. FUCKIN ASGARD MAN, SHIT.

XAVIER'S OLD F-BUDDY GABRIELLE HALLER IS A GOOD GUY AND SMOKES CIGS. THATS HOW THEY ROLLED IN THE 80'S I GUESS.

AND BEFORE THE TRIAL IS OVER, THERE'S A FIGHT!

COLOSSUS IS THROWN THROUGH THE STAIN GLASS WINDOW OF NOTRE DAME! ROGUE FLIES AROUND THE TIP OF THE EIFFEL TOWER! THESE ASSHOLES CALLED FENRIS BLOW UP THE PALACE OF JUSTICE! SO SUCK IT, PARIS!

SIR JAMES JASPERS IS AN ENORMOUS PRICK!

THE TRIAL NEVER ACTUALLY ENDS BUT THE X-FARTS SAVE THE DAY.

AND XAVIER ALMOST DIES SO HE HIS TELEPORTED BACK TO THE SHIAR EMPIRE (THOSE BIRD PEOPLE, AGAIN?) AND MAGENTBALLS MUST NOW LEAD THE NEWD MOOTANTS. CONGRATS ON YOUR PROMOTION, MAGNETBALLS.

NOW FOR THE MS PAINTZ!

I did an extra X-Men Annual 8 cover pic that I forgot to put in that post, so here it is!

Madelyne Prior got all fat. Probably from eating too many cookies. Chips Ahoy, fatty!
Nice look, Kitty.
Colossus has some thoughts on tanks!
This issue was a pretty big deal. It marks the end of Magneto's transformation from 2 dimensional crazy Silver Age bad guy to conflicted good guy with a questionable past and questionable motives. So much about him is questionable!

Everyone is creaming over the latest X-Men movie, and how the mutant menace is a parable for discrimination, with Xavier and Magneto as allegories for MLK Jr and Malcolm X. Well guess what fuckers? It all started with Claremont. So pay your fucking respect, proper!

But whatever, nobody wants to recognize the comics. Because Hollywood is a stupid place full of assholes.

Also Fenris are revealed to be Baron Von Strucker's kids. Xavier and Magsie teamed up to fight the original Strucker (who was a Nazi, so more evil than the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants even) and here they are teaming up against their kids. So you see, they aren't so different after all.

Claremont also tried to introduce Sir James Jaspers, a crazy anti-mutant dickhead member of British Parliament, created by the legendary Alan Moore when he was scribing Captain Britain for Marvel UK back in the early 80's. But Jaspers never became a part of the Marvel Uni, at least not during Claremont's tenure. I forget why, some bullshit about copyright or something.

I think that's it. It was a long fucking issue, so I may have missed some stuff. But I'm done writing for now, so whatever.

Next issue, the first appearance of Cable! (no, really).

Marvel Comics' head's so far up its ass it's gargling its own duodenum

Huge comic books geeks love getting their boxer's in a bunch over dumb shit like the numbering of long running comic books. DC just announced that Action comics, which as been continually published since 1938 and reached over 900 issues, well be "resetting" this summer with a new issue #1. A few years ago Marvel did the same withing with most of their longest running titles, like The Avengers and Fantastic Four. Nerdfolk were outraged. I laughed at them. What a stupid thing to care about. I was above such petty concerns. I cast scorn upon the fastidious fanboys from my lofty perch of detached phlegmatism. I could not be more nonplussed about the whole situation.

UNTIL THEY DECIDED TO FUCK WITH THE UNCANNY X-MEN. FUCK YOU MARVEL. I HAVE A NEARLY 500 CONSECUTIVE ISSUES OF AN UNBROKEN RUN. AND NOW YOU WANT TO FUCK UP MY ARCHIVES. NO ONE FUCKS UP MY ARCHIVES. YOU WILL BE RESETTING THE NUMBERING OF UNCANNY X-MEN OVER MY LIFELESS ROTTING CORPSE, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Which if I were serious means my life would be extinguished by this October, which is when Uncany X-Men will go from 544 back to 1. So while I am joking and I won't be hyperventilating about his, a genuine pang of bummerness shot through my body when I read about Marvel's intentions on my favorite faggot nerd blogs.

As I mentioned, Marvel's renumbered just about every title in their catalog, even the Amazing fuggin Spider-Man. Part of the appeal of the Uncanny X-Men is that their sales have always been strong enough that they never needed to pull one of these blatant marketing gimmicks. Well no longer. And for that, the powers that be in the Marvel editorial offices can suck my asshole until it prolapses all over their stupid fucking faces. Jerks.

In other earth shattering news of grave world-wide consequence, I tried trolling some dickhead on Craigslist for trying to sell the worst comic book collections in the history of the universe. The seller, a mix tape producer and part time hustler by the name of Oil Spill (I swear I'm not making that up), took the bait, and our exchanges were mildly amusing (to me, Oil Spill got pretty pissed and told me repeatedly to "jump off his dick") but it could have been better. So I'm not going to cut and paste the whole electronic conversation. There weren't many good lines either. Just a grade A nimrod trying to pawn off his worthless comics at ridiculously inflated values. By the end it became more pitiful than funny.

Anyway, here is a sampling of the shit comics Oil Spill was hawking. The number in parentheses is the number of copies of each issue he was attempting to unload.

NFL SuperPro 1 (4)

Secret Defenders 1 (4)

X-Force 1 (19)

X-Men 1 (17)

Brigade 1 (4)

The Maxx 1 (4)

Pitt 1 (4)

Spawn 1 (22)

WildC.A.T.s 1 (24)

Bloodshot 1 (14)

H.A.R.D. Corps 1 (4)

Holy shit those are some awful fucking comic books. And Oil Spill was asking five bucks each! What a dildo.

On a totally unrelated note to which there is no reasonable segue, I watched Dead Presidents the other day. Good fucking movie. In one scene, for basically no reason, Michael Imperioli (AKA Christaphuh Multisanti) gets ambushed by some Vietcong and gets his cock and balls cut off and stuffed in his mouth. Here is a picture I drew of that scene.

Haha, sick! Man am I glad I didn't have to fight in the Vietnam War. That would have totally sucked!

OK, I'll try to get back to writing about Claremont's run on X-men now. I've been a little distracted lately with this pain in my ass job. Fucking job. It ain't nothing but work.

X- Men 199: The Spiro Pathnew

What we learn this issue other than that Cyclops did NOT resign as leader of the X-Men because of criminal charges. It was because he didn't want super heroics getting in the way of his nightly sessions of pounding out Madeline Pryor's pooswah.

CYCLOPS WAS A TEEN DRUNK OFF BREW, STUMBLED AND WONDERED IF GOD SENT HIM CAUSE NEW RAD POWERS EMERGED TO ROCK AND SHOOK THE BLOCK, HE AINT FLINCH AS XAVIER WATCHED.

REWRITING NAS LYRICS WITH X-MEN STORIES IS NOT WORTH THE TROUBLE.

RACHEL SUMMERS WANTS TO TELL CYCLOPS THAT SHE IS HIS AND JEAN GREY'S DAUGHTER FROM AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE EXCEPT SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE COURAGE. AW, DOES POOR LITTLE BABY WANT HER BOTTLE? IS WIDDLE BABY RACHEL GONNA CRY NOW?

NO, JUST TURN INTO THE A NEW INCARNATION OF THE PHOENIX FORCE. SURE HOPE NO ONE ALERTS THE SHIAR EMPIRE, BECAUSE THOSE BIRD ALIEN TYPES FUCKING HATE PHOENIXES.

IN SOVIET RUSSIA, JEWS RUIN WALL IN COLOSSUS' MUSEUM FOR HOLOCAUST .

CYCLOPS IS A BIT OF A SHOW OFF.
WHY DIDN'T HE JUST TURN AROUND AND SHOOT THE OFF SWITCH TO THE DANGER ROOM? BECAUSE HE IS A COCK, THAT IS WHY.

BUT STILL THE BEST X-MEN, DAMN IT.

MYSTIQUE TURNS INTO SPECIAL ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT VALARIE COOPER SO THEY CAN GET INTO SOME SUPER KINKY SCISSORING.

I DON'T THINK I COULD FUCK MYSELF, EVEN IF I KNEW IT WAS A TOTALLY HOT LOOKING SHAPE CHANGING BABE UNDERNEATH. UGH, NO WAY, MAN. GROSS.

SOMEBODY GIVE THE BLOB A HAND, QUICK!

Hey look, it's a miniature replica of my penis. Hah, never gets old. Of all the things to stick up one's ass, if you're the Blob, I'd say the Washington monument is a pretty decent choice.

I don't get why he's actually worried though. In the comic, Nightcrawler teleports Blob to the top there. Good strategy to take a mostly invulnerable bad guy out of a fight. But why is the Blob scared? He's fucking invulnerable, duh. Just a few issues ago he fell out of a god damn airplane and was fine. Why doesn't he just jump the fuck off that god damn obelisk? Fuckin beatch.

So this issue was cool because it was the return of the best X-Man, Cyclops. He is the best. Mystique also finagles her group, formerly the brotherhood of mutants, formerly the brotherhood of EVIL mutants (it's subtle), now Freedom Force, some governmental pardons courtesy of Val Cooper, with a mandate to hunt down and capture Magneto, whom Xavier has now taken in and wants to entrust the future of his school to because he's whithering away and is too weak to lead after that horrible beating he took a while ago. So in case the metaphor wasn't clear by now, THE X-MEN ARE PERSECUTED MINORITIES FIGHTING FOR JUSTICE.

It can get beat to death in the comics but its an important point because its what separates the X-Men from the other, faggier super hero groups, like those pussy Avengers. The government is the bad guy and the X-Men are bad ass rebels, fighting for their rights, paramount of which is their right to party, but also their right to not be rounded up by big purple robots and sent to death camps. From now on, the X-men are the counter culture movement and their biggest enemy will be the MAN, prejudice assholes and Republicans. So if you want comic book hipster cred (and jesus do I ever), the X-Men are your guys.

Anyway, the X-Men win the battle but Magneto still turns himself in, because he is a good guy now. And next issue will be a double sized, 200th issue bonanza called THE TRIAL OF MAGNET BALLS.

Oh and there is some shit with Rachel Summers too, but she sucks, so fuck her.

X-Men Annual 8: The Adventures of Lotspeen the Space Dadgum and her Pet Yooman Kiddie Prinus

Another pretty useless annual. 90% of the story is Colossus' sister and Kitty Pwide's best friend, Illyana telling a story about how Kitty and her dragon, Lockpeen, love each other. Its truly a bestiality yarn for all ages.

To commemorate such a boring fucking issue, I made my dumbest hand drawn MS Paint masterpiece yet.

The only thing that I can remember that I wanted to point out is at one point, Storm (doing a miserable Han Solo impression, woof), drives a spaceship through a black hole. On the other side of the black hole, instead of a singularity of infinite density out of which no light can escape, Storm and her crew find that the stars are now black and space is white. THATS NOT WHAT A BLACK HOLE IS.

Anyway, the art is pretty dope. Pencils and inks by Steve Leihola. During the space adventure he adds a cartoony touch, but back in the "real" world things are a bit grittier.

Oh and also, after the campfire story is over its strongly implied that Wolverine bones Kitty's dance instructor, Stevie Hunter. Go get that nonnie, Logan. Own that shit.