What we learn this issue other than that Cyclops did NOT resign as leader of the X-Men because of criminal charges. It was because he didn't want super heroics getting in the way of his nightly sessions of pounding out Madeline Pryor's pooswah.
CYCLOPS WAS A TEEN DRUNK OFF BREW, STUMBLED AND WONDERED IF GOD SENT HIM CAUSE NEW RAD POWERS EMERGED TO ROCK AND SHOOK THE BLOCK, HE AINT FLINCH AS XAVIER WATCHED.
REWRITING NAS LYRICS WITH X-MEN STORIES IS NOT WORTH THE TROUBLE.
RACHEL SUMMERS WANTS TO TELL CYCLOPS THAT SHE IS HIS AND JEAN GREY'S DAUGHTER FROM AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE EXCEPT SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE COURAGE. AW, DOES POOR LITTLE BABY WANT HER BOTTLE? IS WIDDLE BABY RACHEL GONNA CRY NOW?
NO, JUST TURN INTO THE A NEW INCARNATION OF THE PHOENIX FORCE. SURE HOPE NO ONE ALERTS THE SHIAR EMPIRE, BECAUSE THOSE BIRD ALIEN TYPES FUCKING HATE PHOENIXES.
IN SOVIET RUSSIA, JEWS RUIN WALL IN COLOSSUS' MUSEUM FOR HOLOCAUST .
CYCLOPS IS A BIT OF A SHOW OFF.
WHY DIDN'T HE JUST TURN AROUND AND SHOOT THE OFF SWITCH TO THE DANGER ROOM? BECAUSE HE IS A COCK, THAT IS WHY.BUT STILL THE BEST X-MEN, DAMN IT.
MYSTIQUE TURNS INTO SPECIAL ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT VALARIE COOPER SO THEY CAN GET INTO SOME SUPER KINKY SCISSORING.
I DON'T THINK I COULD FUCK MYSELF, EVEN IF I KNEW IT WAS A TOTALLY HOT LOOKING SHAPE CHANGING BABE UNDERNEATH. UGH, NO WAY, MAN. GROSS.SOMEBODY GIVE THE BLOB A HAND, QUICK!
Hey look, it's a miniature replica of my penis. Hah, never gets old. Of all the things to stick up one's ass, if you're the Blob, I'd say the Washington monument is a pretty decent choice.
I don't get why he's actually worried though. In the comic, Nightcrawler teleports Blob to the top there. Good strategy to take a mostly invulnerable bad guy out of a fight. But why is the Blob scared? He's fucking invulnerable, duh. Just a few issues ago he fell out of a god damn airplane and was fine. Why doesn't he just jump the fuck off that god damn obelisk? Fuckin beatch.
So this issue was cool because it was the return of the best X-Man, Cyclops. He is the best. Mystique also finagles her group, formerly the brotherhood of mutants, formerly the brotherhood of EVIL mutants (it's subtle), now Freedom Force, some governmental pardons courtesy of Val Cooper, with a mandate to hunt down and capture Magneto, whom Xavier has now taken in and wants to entrust the future of his school to because he's whithering away and is too weak to lead after that horrible beating he took a while ago. So in case the metaphor wasn't clear by now, THE X-MEN ARE PERSECUTED MINORITIES FIGHTING FOR JUSTICE.
It can get beat to death in the comics but its an important point because its what separates the X-Men from the other, faggier super hero groups, like those pussy Avengers. The government is the bad guy and the X-Men are bad ass rebels, fighting for their rights, paramount of which is their right to party, but also their right to not be rounded up by big purple robots and sent to death camps. From now on, the X-men are the counter culture movement and their biggest enemy will be the MAN, prejudice assholes and Republicans. So if you want comic book hipster cred (and jesus do I ever), the X-Men are your guys.
Anyway, the X-Men win the battle but Magneto still turns himself in, because he is a good guy now. And next issue will be a double sized, 200th issue bonanza called THE TRIAL OF MAGNET BALLS.
Oh and there is some shit with Rachel Summers too, but she sucks, so fuck her.
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