Back in the day, when I was pledging a fraternity (which I did because I was sold a false bill of goods that frat lords bang hot babes on the reg), one popular move by the brothers was to stuff all us pledges in the women's bathroom (yes, we had a men's and women's bathroom in the basement, natch), and blast The End by the Doors over the house speakers. Then they would slowly but forcefully enter us from behind. Get it? The End = our butts!
No just kidding. They did play that song but then the worst the hazing got was we had a eat and drink gross shit and puke a bunch. Haha, BARF. The point is, this is the end of Claremont's run on the X-Men, and this is also the end of this blog. Even tho Claremont had already stopped writing the Uncanny X-Men, the first 3 issues of the brand new ongoing series, JUST X-MEN (but there was no "just" in the title, it was just "X-Men". Yes I know I said "just X-Men" again, great bit, Laurel and Hardy), these 3 issues are all part of the same story Claremont started way back in Uncanny X-Men 94, lo so many years ago.
Now, if you want actual analysis of Claremont the maestro and his criminally under rated accomplishment, please go to this real blog with a real writer who did a real critique. If you look closely you might even find me, acting like a total spaz in the comments, trying to be all serious and shit.
However, since this is one of those jagov MS Paint dick and fart joke blogs, I'll just do a brief recap and then make a bunch of dumb comments and non sequiturs about butt holes or whatever.
So after the Muir Island Saga, all of the X-Mans of the world found themselves hanging out at the X-Mansion again, which has been rebuilt for like the 3rd or 4th time (at least their supporting their local contractors). Xavier's all like, great to be back X-Bros, how about we split up into two fuckin teams so as to double our revenue streams I mean double the amount of protecting a world that fears and hates us? And the X-Men are alike, yeah sounds fucking sweet, once we get all these pouches and belts and shoulder pads rocking on our new costumes we'll be ready to fucking go.
And then the X-Dudes fight each other because they are training and the readers need to learn all their powers and personality quirks (oh Gambit, you rapscallion!) but then Magnet Breath shows up and is like, HAHA, I'M A BAD GUY AGAIN! FUCK YOUR BALLS, X-PUSSIES!
Here's where I should pause and explain what a great thing it is that Claremont the maestro did with Magoman. You see, back when he was the boss of the hilariously poorly named Brotherhood of Evil Mutants (fuckin no one calls themselves evil!), Magsiepoo was all one dimensional and dumb. But then Claremont came around and he did something wonderful. He gave him MOTIVATION. And more importantly, BELIEVABLE motivation. I mean for fucking comic books anyway. Magballs was a holocaust survivor, and he wanted to make sure his people (mutants, natch) weren't persecuted into extinction. JUST LIKE THE JEWS. ITS AN ALLEGORY.
The best defense being a good offense, Magtetons was like, NOT IF I FUCK YOU FIRST, HUMANS. And THATS why he was being such a tremendous cock and balls for so long. Because it was the flat scans (humies, natch) that MADE him that way.
Anyway, now Magneebo is in space. Because everything is cooler in SPACE. And he kind of just wants to mind his own god damn business and chill out on his space rock and chill out with some space beers, as anyone with his fucking power would.
But then these sycophants show up and they're all like, dude, Magneto, we are you Acolytes! Fuckin teach us and we'll be like an army of mutants and fuck humans or some shit! And Magneto is all like, bros, thanks but no thanks, I'm up her to chill out and pound space beers, not lead any more mutant revolutions. Fuck all that noise.
But then some asshole humans chase the mutants to Magento's space rock and kill someone in cold blood and Magneto is all like, you know what? You're right, humans are fucking bullshit. Fuck humans. I will be your leader.
And then the X-Men and Magneto go at it for 3 issues and in the end, the X-Men win, but only because Magneto is all like, "I will sacrifice myself so that Xavier can have his fucking pussy ass dream of humans and mutants living together. Fuck y'all, peace I'm outta like a Saudi from Loudon County."
And then Magnet Breath dies. The end.
There's obviously way more shit going on but that's basically the gist of it. Whats probably the coolest thing about these comics is that Jim Lee, another maestro, and Claremont are both trying to pack in as much rad shit as possible. So all the art is pumped up Jim Lee action to the max and then crowding in every panel's nook and cranny is elaborate purple prose and speechifying by Claremont. It can get to be a bit much but its still more cool then cumbersome.
But probably the COOLEST coolest thing is there is a character named Delgado, who may or may not be two people. He starts off as one of the humans pursuing the renegade mutant Acolytes IN SPACE, and then next thing you know there is an Acolyte named Delgado who looks just like the human Delgado from before. At some point someone even comments, "Um, is Delgado a good guy or a bad guy? I guess we'll never know..." So I'm inclined to believe this was a plotting error by Jim Lee that Claremont wasn't able to fix in the dialog until after it went to the printers and then was like, eh fuck it, I'm done after these issues anyway.
Kind of absurd but maybe a little endearing?
So anyway, thats fucking that. The story off the fucking X-Men. There's been like, 300 more issues of Uncanny X-Men since then, so double what once was. And like a kabillion X-Men spin offs. Man, those corporate comic book companies, they fucking love making money!
And Adjectiveless X-Men number 1 definitely made some fucking money. They supposedly sold 8.1 million copies of that fucker. Which is just dumb. There aren't 8 million people reading comic books. Even then, MAYBE 100,000 people were buying comics regularly. That sales number was inflated by dickheads like me, buying 5 copies or more, because I was 10 years old and at the time it was literally the most awesomest thing that had ever happened in my lifetime.
And now this is the awesomest thing in my life. Some jagov blog for idiots. Great, grand, wonderful. AND NOW TO READ ALL OF THE NEW MUTANTS EVER, CAUSE WHAT THE FUCK ESLE IS THERE FOR ME, HONESTLY?
