X-Men 131: Run for your life! Run for the hiiiiiiiills!

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM THIS ISSUE:

DAZZLER FIGHTS CRIME IN SEQUENED ROLLER-SKATES

THE HELLFIRE CLUB IS A GROUP OF WEALTHY INDUSTRIALISTS WHO SEEK PREEMINENT SOCIAL, POLITICAL AND ECONOMIC POWER IN THE WORLD

WOLVERINE IS ONE HAIRY MOTHERFUCKER – HEY TAKE THAT SWEATER OFF WHY DON’T YOU?

Once more, unto the recap: It’s the Ex-Men (now they are ladies) versus the Hellfire club. Or the Hellfire Club’s henchmen anyway. Quick: Hellfire Henchman roll call! Salvatore! Cam! Jacko! Mancusi! Skipper!(there’ll be more in subsequent issues).

The issue starts with the X-Men rescuing Kitty Pryde from a car full of evil Hellfire Club henchmen like we knew they would. Jean Grey specifically stops them by totally fucking the car up with her awesome powers. Also in grand comic book tradition, the henchman have about a 3 minute second conversation in a panel that should take no more than a split second’s worth of time.

It’s like this: “hey man, we’re like 10 feet from that chick and we’re flooring it, what do you think is going to happen? Let’s see if we can run her over. Man I can’t believe she’s not getting out of the way. We should have driven 50 yards past her by now but instead we’re still wondering if she’s going to get out of the way or not. Well, I guess we’ll find out sooner or-“ BAM! and the goons go flying through the windshield.

The rest of the issue is the Cyke, Jean, Kurt (that’s Nightcrawler), Kitty and Dazzler (who still has no name yet) freeing Storm, Petey (Colossus), and Wolverine from Hellfire jail. And the finale is Jean Grey as the terrifying and awesome Phoenix Phorce laying waste to the hopelessly outclassed Emma Frost. Jean Grey is awesomely turning into a total bad ass as the Phoenix force slowly turns her more aggressive (abetted by Wyngarde’s malicious mental manipulations – fuck now they’ve got me talking like a comic book writer). Before wrecking the White Queen’s pasty ass, Jean taunts her: “I understand you call yourself something of a telepath. Well ‘your majesty’, let’s see how good you really are.” Rowr! I’d like to show that young lady my phoenix force if you know what I mean, (I mean boner).

Lots of cool action as the X-Men storm the breaches of the Hellfire liar (not their main one, just the not so inconspicuous warehouse called Frost Enterprises where the White Queen had her own personal sub-liar). And then when the X-Men return Kitty to their parent’s house, Mr. Pyrde is naturally a bit pissed off - so Jean Grey just controls his mind and makes him happy about the whole ordeal. No problems with Mrs. Pryde though, that bitch knows her place!

Oh and Dazzler says she doesn’t want to be part of the X-Men, so she’s free to star in her own ongoing series after contributing absolutely nothing to this X-Men storyline (except setting up a meaningless battle that could’ve been set up a million different other ways). Next ish – more fuggin Hellfire Club!