X-MEN 251: BEAVER DREAM

I'D LIKE TO GET DOWN ON SOME OF THAT RED HOT BEAVER ACTION IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THIS REALLY IS ONE OF THE GANRLIEST MAINSTREAM SUPERHERO COMIC BOOK COVERS OF THE 20TH CENTURY. AND OF COURSE IT IS ALSO IMPROVED BY GIVING WOLVERINE A BONER.

SAY THAT REMINDS ME, EVER NOTICE HOW A LOT OF THOSE CRUCIFIXES MAKE IT LOOK LIKE JESUS IS DOING A 'SCHWING' FROM WAYNE'S WORLD? WELL I NOTICE. I NOTICE IT A LOT.

UHHH..... WAS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?

BEING CRUCIFIED IS NO PINIC, BELIEVE YOU ME.

WOLVIE'S ALWAYS GOT BEAV ON THE MIND.

THATS DONALD PIERCE. HE'S A CYBORG, SO HE'S AWESOME, OBV.

MAN. REMEMBER WHEN WOLVERINE WAS FUCKING AWESOME AND OWNED EVERYONE AND COULD JUST RIP HIMSELF OFF A CRUCIFIX IF HE FUCKING WANTED TO BECAUSE HE IS A BOSS AND DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT?

So this issue was obviously awesome. It's often cited as "the one where Wolverine gets crucified" and is considered a high point of Claremont's Australian run by nerds, virgins and shut-ins throughout the blogosphere. It's also pretty much the end of the 'Oz-Men', as the remaining X-Turkeys except Wolveroonie (who's busy being crucified, duh) walk through the Deus Ex-Seige Perilous and the team is effectively kaput. It'll be another 25 issues and 2 years or so before Claremont is foreced by his editors to get the band back together. When he finally does though, the X-Men start selling literally millions of copies of comic books, but it also preciptates Claremont's depature from the franchise. But all that is a tale for another time. Like when I finally get to those issues, which will be, I don't know, later. Who even fucking cares, it's not like anyone is reading this shit anyway.

The schedule and motivation behind these blog posts is not important. What matters is that Wolverine is getting fucked the fuck up by cybernetic mercenary assholes. And while he's getting tortured he starts hallucinating all sorts of shit. Like basically all the characters he's interacted with in comics for the last 5 years, as well as what happened to the X-Men while he was taking his sweet ass time getting back to thier home base.

It's all rather confusing, especially for dorky 12 year old fanboys. There was no internet to look this shit up on, so I just enjoyed the pretty pictures and watched Duck Tales.

Anyway, Wolverine's indomitable will allows him to survive the Reavers' 'Passion of the Logan' (classic evil villain mistake numero uno, bro. Just kill the motherfucker), and he escapes and then meets his new sidekick, Korean-American valley girl teenager Jubilee.

GREAT, GRAND, WONDERFUL. CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

X-MEN 250: THE SHATTERED BONE SWORDS

WELL THIS IS A BIG ANNIVERSARY ISSUE THE BIG TWO FIVE OH BUT GUESS WHAT? I HAD A BIG PARTY FOR UNO SO I'M GOING TO BLITZ THRU THIS SHIT.

PAL IS FROM GROO. HEE;S PART OF THE DUO, PAL AND DRUMM. FUCKING GET IT? FUCKING GROO IS THE BEST.

LIKE THE TOWERING BONER OF A CYCLOPS.

HIS NAME IS AMPHIBIUS. WHICH IS JUST A WORD SPELT WRONG.

OK WHATEVER FEMALE ZORRO LADY.

EXCUSE YOU. BY THE WAY THESE BUD PLATS ARE DELISH.

SURE YOU DID.

WHATEVER NO NEED TO BRAG ABOUT IT.

HER HAIR IS RETARDED. NO OFFENCE RETARDS.

Hey guys this was another decent all right comic. an anniversary issue but not so monumental. they came out twice a month during this time. i was 7 and didnt buy them yet. 7 or 8. probably 8. anyway, they x-men go to the savage land, beat up some bad guys, leave, but the bad guys arent totally dead. i think thats it. ok im drunk now bye bye!

X-MEN 249: THE DANE VEEDNER CURSE

DANE VEEDNER IS A FRIEND OF MINE AND THE NUMBER ONE PENGUIN ATTORNEY OF CALVERT COUNTY, MARYLAND. CALVERT COUNTY IS A SAVAGE PLACE RIFE WITH TERRIBLE REDNECKS AND SUBHUMAN SCUM. HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE SCUM!

THAT'S VIV SAVAGE IN THE CORNER BOX THERE. BETCHA DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

 SHIT SANDWICH.

I'VE BEEN THERE, HAVOK. I'VE BEEN THERE MANY TIMES.

IF YOU'RE GONNA SPEW, SPEW IN THIS.

I WAS ORIGINALLY GOING TO HAVE COLOSSUS SAY "PAINTING IS FOR FAGS!" BUT I FIGURED THAT WAS TOO INSENSITIVE.

THEN THINGS GET WIERD!

DEFENDER WAS ALSO SOME GOOD SHIT.

HANDLE THAT FUCKIN OSTRICH, COLOSSUS. FUCKIN GET SOME.

THIS WAS JUST A SUPER COOL CARTOONY PANEL THAT I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE RE-CAPTIONING. ITS A FUCKING MANIAC WITH FOUR ARMS WHALING ON SOME OTHER DUDE WHO'S MADE OUT OF STEEL. FUCKING COMICS BRO. FUCKIN COMICS.

Fucking Pitt. Can't fucking beat fucking Notre Dame. I swear to god if Notre Dame wins a national championship and I have to hear about what a prestigous fucking program it is for years I will fucking shit a radiator. Fuck Notre Dame. And fuck the Irish. Disgusting filth. If Ireland is so fucking great why are the so many Irish people in places that aren't Ireland? Go back to your miserable papist island of mud and puke and stop shitting up the rest of the world why don't you? And by all means, stop speaking English and revive your ancient, useless Celtic Gaelic language. All the better to ignore you rummy numbskulls.

Right, anyway, this was another pretty all right issue. I really am enjoying the shit out of Marc Silvestri's artistry. He is the fucking man.

Plotwise a bunch of stuff happens. Emo Havok mopes because he "killed" Storm. Spoiler alert: Storm is not dead, a no doy! Then he gets a call from his ex-girlfriend, Lorna Dane (nice name, not). Lorna Dane, aka Polaris, has been possesed by an evil spirit called Malice, that turns people into total dicks. But Polaris is fighting for control and reaches out to Havok for help. So the X-Men go to Punta Arenas in Argentina and are immediatley surrounded by awful Argie garbage people. Then Zaladane and the Mutates show up, who are from the Savage Land, which is a pocket of dinosaur infested jungle in the middle of Antarctica. One of the mutates has four arms and looks like Goro. Another is a frog-man. The X-Men fight and win, but Zaladane and the mutates escape back to the Savage Land with Polaris, and Havok goes undercover with them to free his lady love. Also the Reavers are still out there lurking and tracking the X-Men. The Reavers are a pack of murderous cyborg outlaws.

HOLY SHIT HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THESE FUCKING COMICS?

What do other people do with their time that doesn't involve reading X-Men? Watch Law and fucking Order? Fuck that noise.

OK I'm hungry and I need to eat and it's day lights savings so I get an extra hour of drinking so I'm peacing the fuck out of this motherfucker.

So peace already!