X-Men 209: Sal's Haitian

What we learned this issue besides that Salvatore has a thing for French speaking Caribbean ladies.

BIG PINK ROBOTS + X-MENS + MORLOCKS + HELLFIRE CLUB = FIGHT!

MUTANTS OF THE WORLD UNITE. PROLETARIAT X-BAGS AND BOURGEOIS HELLFIRE PIGS AND LITERAL SEWER DWELLING SLUDGE BUCKET MORLOCKS TEAM UP TO DEFEND THEMSELVES AGAINST A FASCIST PINK ROBOT DEATH DEALER.

THE HELLFIRE CLUB HAS LOW ADMISSION STANDARDS. THEY LET IN THIS DOPEY FATSO WITH A HANDLE BAR MUSTACHE.

ALSO SEBASTIAN SHAW MAY BE A RICH AND POWERFUL INDUSTRIALIST ALPHA MUTANT, BUT HE'S ALSO WEARING A PURPLE JUMPSUIT AND THIGH HIGH LIME GREEN BOOTS AND GLOVES. WHAT THE HELL MAN.

WOLVERINE AND NIGHTCRAWLER GO OUT CRUISING.

KITTY'S ALL MAD RACHEL SUMMERS IS NOT HELPING. AH DUH, WOLVERINE JUST STABBED HER GUTS OUT LIKE 20 MINUTES AGO, CUT HER SOME FUCKIN SLACK YA FUCKIN BITCH.

RACHEL SUMMERS FUCKS OFF TO SPIRAL'S MAGICAL FANTASY 'BODY SHOPPE' AND BLAH BLAH BLAH, UPSHOT IS SHE LEAVES THE BOOK PRETTY MUCH FOREVER. HOORAY!

THAT DICKHEAD FRED VON ROEHM GETS TOTALLY FUCKINGN VAPORIZED.

HAHA. SUCK ONE, FATSO.

NIMROD DOESN'T PLAY. LUCKILY COLOSSUS ALSO KEEPS IT REAL.
NIMROD IS ALMOST COMPLETELY FRAGGED BUT THEN TELEPORTS RIGHT BEFORE WOLVERINE CAN FINISH HIM OFF. AND FORMER ENEMIES ARE FWENDS... UNTIL NEXT TIME!

Another kick ass issue. Nimrod, that big pink fucker, wants all mutants dead, so assholes X-Men and fuckstick Hellfire club team up. No X-Men die but Nightcrawler gets pretty badly fucked up. But Von Roehm is toast and Harry Leland dies of a heart attack. What a fucking loser. What super villain dies from cardiac arrest? Seriously. Total loser.

The action cuts back and forth between the epic battle in the Rambles of Central Park (big deal, I've been there, I think anyway), and Rachel Summers slowly losing her mind with the help of Spiral's nefarious influence. Phoenix never fit in with the X-Dongs, or really in the whole era, so she's easily manipulated by another random appearance of uber plot contrivance character, Spiral, and her magics. The real reason Rachel just kind of walks right out of the book is because A) she's too powerful to the next storyline - she'd just stop the bad guys and the crossover would be finished, and B) her "mom" Jean Grey is back with her "dad" Cyclops and the new series, X-Factor, and the meeting between Rachel and her two "parents" needs to be delayed for a while.

So Rachel Summers is the fuck out of here, yeah! Have fun in stupid Excalibur that I never read even though it was also written by Chris Claremont and I heard it was pretty good. But fuck all that shit.

Anyway, the little two issue fight with Nimballs is over and it was pretty dope. I think Nipsrod shows up later but I don't remember much. AND NEXT ISSUE we start seeing the Morlocks get their shit completely and thoroughly ruined in the MUTANT MASSACRE. X-Men 210 is also the first X-Mans comic book that I read, as it was part of the first batch of comics me and my older brothers read that is in totally fucked up shape right now. I was 5, but I still knew it was awesome.

And Claremont has now been writing the X-Pals for 10 god damn years. Holy shit. And I've been writing this motherfucking blog for like 21 months. WELL FUCK MY SACK.

X-Men 208: Retro Douche'n

What we learned this issue besides that Wolverine failed his ethics exam.

WHELP, LOOKS LIKE WOLVERINE IS TOTALLY FINE ABOUT STABBING PHOENIX' GUTS OUT. HE REALLY DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.

THEN CHECK OUT WHAT HE DOES TO POOR KITTY PRYDE.

G'HEAD, AKS WOLVERINE IF HE GIVE A MUTHAFUCK, CUZ HE DON'T.

SELENE IS ONE HOT SUPER VILLAIN. UNTIL SHE RUNS LOW ON LIFE ENERGY. DRAIN THOSE SOULS BITCH YOU IS LOOKIN BEAT UP AND THEN SOME.
WELL LA DI DA, THE FUCKING HELLFIRE CLUB HAS MOVED ON UP TO THE EAST SIDE. THEY EVEN HAVE FIGHTS OUTSIDE THE GUGGENHEIM. WELL AINT YOU THINK YO SHIT IS SMELLIN ROSEY NOW ISNT YOU?
RACHEL WHINES, STORM PREVARICATES, WOLVERINE OWNS AND KITTY PRYDE MOPES.

THEN THEY GO TOE TO TOE, BLOW FOR BLOW, HO FOR HO WITH THE FUGGIN HELLFIRE CLUB, THOSE STUCK UP, NO GOOD, GOOD FOR NOTHING, MARK ASS PLUTOCRATS.

Turns out Wolverine didn't actually kill Rachel Summers, in case you didn't see that coming. But he does fuck her shit up pretty bad. The other X-Masturbaters chase after her with some of the stupid fucking Morlock (don't worry, they are gonna get theirs most swiftly, no doubt), but the Hellfire Club are after them too. There's a nifty fight with Selene, Sebastian Shaw, Harry Leland, some schmuck named Von Rohm or something, and some Hellfire Club flunkies vs the X-Bags, Callisto and Caliban (who sucks).

The Hellfiremen have a weird mix of powers so Claremont does a decent job keeping the fight interesting. And the X-Wads basically get their butts kicked. It's entertaining though.

And despite the stupidity of Wolverine, who 'murders' Phoenix so she won't murder Selene, who then escapes and murders two innocent people (OK a mugger and an innocent jogger), I dug some of the verbose moralizations going on. I guess Wolvo was worried Phoenix was going to turn into Dark Phoenix, like Jean Grey, but then why didn't Wolverine get worried when Phoenix powered up to take on the fuckin Beyonder a few issues ago?

I don't know, fuck it. Claremont did a decent enough job with all the angsty dialog, and he's pushing the boundaries with some of the sequential art bits. All avant gardey and shit.

SO ANY WAY, I LIKED THIS ISSUE.

THEN THAT GAYWAD NIMROD SHOWS UP IN THE LAST PANEL. NIMROD IS CLEARLY A GAY ROBOT AND HE FUCKING HATES MUTANTS. HEY, JUDGE NOT ET CETERA ET CETRA FRUITY.
Nexth isthue is going to be abstholutely fabulousth!

X-Men 207: Ghostse.cx

What we learn this issue which does not include just how exactly we are able to see Wolverine slice through the cover.

THIS ISSUE IS MOSTLY ABOUT PHOENIX II AKA RACHEL SUMMERS, BUT THEY SURE AS SHIT DON'T PUT HER ON THE COVER, BECAUSE SHE HAS A TERRIBLE HAIRCUT AND SUCKS AT EVERYTHING.

RACHEL HAS NIGHTMARES, IN WHICH WOLVERINE JUMPS AROUND AFTER HER LIKE A GOD DAMN SPASTIC CASE.
TOO BAD THIS IS JUST A DREAM SEQUENCE.
RACHEL HAS BEEN POSSESSED AND BEEN MADE TO DO TERRIBLE THINGS, BUT ALSO HAS THE ABILITY TO POSSES OTHER PEOPLE WITH HER MUTANT POWERS. SO HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO THE REAL RACHEL SUMMERS IS?
HOLY SHIT CHECK OUT THAT RAD SYMBOLISM!
THIS IS THE PUNK ERA OF X-FASHION.

Overall this was an effective issue, despite starring total loser Rachel Summers on almost every panel. Here's a typical scene with Rachel Summers. "Oh boo hoo, I'm from an alternate future and no one understands me here. Boo hoo, back in my past which is an alternate future to this present, I had to wear freaky S&M costumes and hunt down other mutants. Boo hoo some stupid wop died last time I was in SOHO and it's all my fault. WAAAAAAAH!"

Would you like some cheese with that whine? Huh, some fucking cheese to shove in your stupid whiny trap to shut you the fuck up forever maybe? Huh? Bitch? Some fuckin cheese?

"Wine was invented by the Romans. For orgies. But orgies are not so much fun when no one wants to do it with you." - Dr Steve Brule.

Right, anyway, there are some decent scenes too. Like when Rachel is dreaming about her old life in the future's past and is all - "oh, so everything was just a dream, has to be otherwise I'm fucking crazy" - it's cool because it's a 12 Monkeys scenario before 12 Monkeys was a movie.

And also Wolverine gets to act like a bad ass, especially in the dreams, and fulfill all of our fantasies (OK at least mine) and stab stupid Phoenix II to death.

And Phoenix has a decent battle with Selene in the Hellfire club. Bunch of fetishists at that fucking place man. And those stupid ass Morlocks in their ridiculous, impossible underground lair are there for some reason.

Then Wolverine, not in a dream, stabs Rachel Summers in the guts to keep her from killing Selene. But first he plays another around of Bird Game!

No really though, the cliffhanger is Wolverine snikting his claws in to ginger mullet head to prevent her from committing murder. Not sure your logic is sound there, Wolvie, but I stand by your efforts!

LETS HOPE THAT STUPID BITCH DIES NEXT ISSUE!!!

X-Men 206: Poo Poo Caca is a four letter word

What we learned this issue besides San Francisco is an ideal setting for the gay adventures of the X-Mensth

STORM HAS NO POWERS BUT STILL MANAGES TO FUCK UP A GAGGLE OF YOUNG TOUGHS.

THEN SHE GIVES SAN FRAN POLICE LIEUTENANT BREE MORREL THE STINK FINGER.

THEN SHE TUT-TUTS KITTY PRYDE SEXY OUTFIT AND SLEAZY DATE. WHAT A SQUARE.

STORM IS A STUPID BITCH.

RACHEL SUMMERS HAS A CREW CUT, RATAIL AND PARACHUTE PANTS ON, THIS TIME WITH SUSPENDERS! GOD SHE BLOWS.

SPIDER-WOMAN, WHO I GUESS IS A BAD GUY, CREATED A PSYCHIC NET TO ENSNARE COLOSSUS AND ROGUE. COLOSSUS AND ROGUE ARE HAVING NONE OF IT AND FUCK SPIDER-WOMAN'S PSYCHIC NET RIGHT UP. CLASSIC CLAREMONT DIALOG ENSUES!

"THE WEB SHE CASTS IS PSIONIC, A CREATION OF HER THOUGHTS-- AND ITS SUDDEN, VIOLENT DISCORPORATION STRIKES HER LIKE A PHYSICAL BLOW. THERE'S A FLASH OF LIGHT-- ON THE PORCH AND IN HER MIND-- AND THEN BLESSED OBLIVION."

THANK GOODNESS FOR THE BLESSED OBLIVION THAT FOLLOWS THE PAINFUL BLOW OF HAVING ONE'S PSIONIC NET RIPPED APART. SWEET SWEET BLESSED OBLIVION.

KITTY PRYDE GETS HER SHIT RUINED.

EVERYONE CELEBRATES THE END OF THE FIGHT BY ACTING LIKE A BUNCH OF STUPID JAGOVS.

NIGHTCRAWLER IS RIDIN DIRTY.

Yeah! Now this is what I'm talking about. Wall to wall, balls to balls, four on the floor big beat action. The last two thirds of the book is all X-Men fighting Freedom Force, formally the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants who were so evil they finagled a pardon out of the government and pretend to be good guys when really they just want to fuck up the X-Men and shit. And they pretty much beat the hell out of the X-Men here.

My only gripe about the fight is Claremont uses the whole, can't move the Blob but you can move the ground underneath him bullshit tactic again. Whatever.

And Jessica Drew is in the issue for some reason. Jessica Drew I think was the original Spider-Woman but now shes a depowered human who gets mad at this bad guy Spider-Woman who's on Freedom Force and I know nothing about. Jessica Drew has been kicked around several corners of the Marvel Universe and now I hear she's getting a live action TV Show on a network.

Well GOOOOOOoood for YOOOOOuuuu.

More hilarious 80's fashion from mediocre John Romita Jr. Some other subplots inch forward. But mostly it's fighting. POW! BAM! BIFF! Take that bad guys!

Now to order dominoes and watch Breaking Bad. Yes I lead an enviable life. Try not to hate.

ANYWAY, THAT'S THE END OF THE X-MEN IN SAN FRANCISCO FOR LIKE TWENTY YEARS. SEE YOU IN HELL SAN FRAN!