X-MEN 124: HE ONLY LAUGHS WHEN I HURL!

Arcade the super villain is like a pledge training, hazing his pledges and luaghing his ass off when they throw-up/get murdered. And in this issue, Arcade readies his FAH-Q paddle to start wacking away on some X-Ass Cheeks.

Before I continue trashing this divinely ridiculous issue of The Uncanny X-Men, I should first point out that as a youth of tender years, I absolutely fucking LOVED the stupid kind of stories like the one found in #124. The "isolate each member of the team and let them use their powers in new and crazy ways to escape" is right up there with the "introduce a random set of good/bad guys each with unique powers and a code name that is somehow tied into that power and watch them fight" as the most cockle-warming types of stories that a comic reading tween can stumble upon. So it is with no small amount of nostalgia that I review and mercilessly lambaste the awesomely bad tale spun by Claremont and Byrne.

All right, enough of that gayness. To start with we see Arcade, cracking up over the CCTV feeds of the X-men getting pounded by his deadly contraption. Next to him are three broads, nominally they are dates of Cyclops, Nightcrawler and Colossus, but in reality they are minor bit characters who never amount to much who are here to play the token damsels in distress. Arcade has them tied up in person-sized gift boxes with their heads sticking out because he's a fucking retard. He then starts talking to him because he's a fucking retarded super villain and it's the easiest way to recap events and explain his origin.

The story goes that Arcade was a spoiled rich prick and got pissed at his dad so he blew him up and inherited his fortune. This fortune must be about equal to that of the GDP of Asia, as Arcade builds a Deathstar sized hidden Disneyland for killing.

Arcade is also clearly a second rate Joker knock off who's going for the criminally insane, unhinged psychopath vibe. But because he is literally dressed like a clown and hasn't yet had any real character development, he comes across looking more like a, well, busted, trifling, mark-ass Joker poseur.

So anyway, the X-Men are stuck in Murderworld and are trying to fight their way out out. Colossus has been brainwashed into a Soviet Socialist Super Soldier bad guy renamed the Proletarian and he's just about to strangle Storm and Cyclops for hoarding their excess potato yields that are due to the collective which is to then turn their crops into cheap vodka for corrupt apparatchiks and red army generals to get shit faced with and hasten their sorry, frigid miserable lives into oblivion. But then Stormy and Cyke remind Piotr Rasputin that they are all friends, and thus the spell is broken.

Pretty silly but what the fuck else was going to do it?

Anyway, long fuckin recap short, the X-Dorks all overcome their obstacles and Nightcrawler ports into Arcade's control room and fucks all his shit up. So Arcade hits the eject button or whatever and all the X-Men are flushed out of Murderworld and their ladyfriends are parachuted back to them.

A couple other noteworthy occurrences:

1) Wolverine slashes his way into Banshee's death trap room where's he's fighting Tie-Fighters from "The latest episode of BATTLESTARWARS: 1999!" Holy crap would it have been cool to witness such legendary sci-fi pop culture when it was first released. Of course that would also mean I'd have to be ten years or so older than I am now so on second thought, fuck that noise.

2) Cyclops blasts into Nightcrawlers kill zone area and takes out a whole host of buzzsaw equipped evil bumper cars with one carefully placed ricochet shot. I love that one of Cyclops' power is his "unique inborn talent for spatial geometry." Which means he mutant ability accounts for the supernatural accuracy of his optic laser blasts. I also love the sound affects those blasts makes: "ZARP ZAP ZOOP ZORP ZRAP ZACK ZRAM ZKOW!" Haha! It sounds like a space alien farting!

Anyways, Arcade gets away and of course Wolverine is pissed that they don't go after him and cut apart his intestines, but that's just fucking Wolverine for ya! Now maybe FINALLY the X-Men that Jean Grey, Xavier et al think are dead will be reunited! Or maybe they'll just all have a big hazing party and puke all over each other. Who fucking knows?

X-MEN 123: "LISTEN--STOP ME I YOU'VE HEARD IT--BUT THIS ONE WILL FUCK YOUR WHOLE LIFE UP!"

Holy fuckin shit, fuckin SPIDER-MAN guest stars in this fucking issue! That's huge! The web spinnin' wall crawler himself. Your friendly fucking neighborhood Spider-Fuckin-Man! AND DON'T FORGET TO PUT THE HYPHEN IN HIS FUCKING NAME YOU FUCKING FUCKS.

Man - I can't wait to see what Spider-Man does! Hopefully he'll help the X-Men fight that jerk face Arcade and his sexy assassin friend Miss Locke! That would be awesome! Probably the worst thing they could have him do, though, is just swing in for a page or two, do nothing of any consequence whatsoever, and then swing away. You know, just some cheap excuse to put Marvel's most popular character on the cover and help sell a few more copies.

Oooh I can't wait! Let's check out the spidey action!

Aw, they went with the cheap ass cameo of no consequence whatsoever. SAD FACE :(

Oh well, I guess we'll just see what happens to the fucking X-Men then, since it is there fucking comic book, afterall (by the way, drawing Spider-Man is a fucking pain in the ass. That would be the worst gig in all comic-dom. All those fucking tiny webs and shit. Gah. Anyhow).

Anyhow! After Spider-Man frigs the fuck off, a rouge garbage truck under the employ of Arcade scoops up Colleen and Cyclops with it's tricked out trash collector. SFLANNG! goes the sound effect. Well that ruins THAT fuckin date!

Then we see Colossus and Nightcrawler with their fuckin dates, Betsy and AmanDUH, entering a private box at the Metropolitan Opera House in the Lincoln Center (oh Claremont, you are so cultured!). Except it's sexy assassin Miss Locke leading them into that private box, and that's no private box (heh heh, private box), it's "Some kind of steel box" that releases knock-out gas and then delivers it's human cargo into Arcade's clutches! A dastardly trap if there ever was one!

Then it is implied that the tricked out garbage truck also gets the jump on Wolverine and kidnaps HIM TOO! YEAH RIGHT, THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT. But the book says it happens, so it happens.

Moving on, Arcade himself sneaks into the X-Mansion and shoots Banshee and Storm with tranquilizers and brings them back to his secret hide out too! Oh also that fucker Spider-Man calls the X-Mansion because - get this - he recognized the 'SFLANNG' sound that the garbage truck made when it kidnapped Colleen and Cyclops and wanted to warn the other X-Men. But Arcade is the only one conscious to pick up and he taunts SpideyBalls who is so enraged by this that he explodes the pay phone booth he's in. GEERRAGH! IMPOTENT RAGE!

And thats really the end of Spider-Dong's worthless cameo.

Now we see the all the X-Men, in their costumes, encased in giant plastic spheres and lined up in a giant size pinball machine, with the X-Men inside the 6 foot high pinballs. Woo boy, that is some deviousness!

Hey waitaminute! If Arcade and Miss Locke could kidnap all the X-Men, by SHOOTING some of them with tranquilizers, why did they bother to build a giant pinball machine and all that shit? Why didn't they just, you know, FUCKING KILL THEM ALL RIGHT THERE?

Because it's some fucked up kids comic book from the 70's, that's why, just deal with it.

Anywho, each X-Men is then separated and dumped into some different rooms each specifically designed to terrorize the individual X-Men that land in the room. The perils they each then face range from the mundane - one of the walls in Cyclops' room is closing in on him and will crush him, eventually - to the surreal - Banshee is attacked by replica Nazi Stucka air bombers. Um, what?

Cyclops manages to escape with the ingenious plan of blowing up one of the side walls and walking out off his room. He then helps Wolverine defeat a bunch of robot Wolverines being generated by funhouse mirrors, or whatever.

And that's when the PROLETARIAN ATTACKS! Ha hah! The Proletarian is actually a pretty interesting concept, despite being totally out of place and never given a chance to develop. You see the Proletarian is really Colossus, whose been brainwashed by a robotic KGB agent, who guilts him for forsaking the motherland and joining an American team of super heroes.

It's a novel idea with a lot of potential, it being still tense times in the Cold War after all. But (SPOILER ALERT), it's pretty much discarded instantly next issue. And here all we see of the Proletarian, besides the earlier conversation between Colossus and the fake KGB robot, is a fist going 'KROM' and then Colossus in a full panel, introducing himself to Cyclops and Wolverine and looking like a complete jackass. He's wearing boots, coveralls with no shirt and a beret. Also on the coveralls are CCCP, a hammer and sickle, and a profile of Lenin's face. It's true, centralized economies can't efficiently allocate resources and design super hero costumes worth shit. Marxist, more like FARTISTS.

And the last panel is Arcade laughing his fruity ass off while the three babes are being held prisoners in oversized gift boxes, complete with oversized gift bows, with only their heads showing, again, because it is some crazy ass fucked up 70's comic book.

Another good issue, despite the nutzo cartoon plot and the obnoxious high brow cultural reference dropping by Claremont. The whole issue was fun enough to overcome those short comings, and Spider-Cunt's worthless appearance. Man, fuck that fucking Spider-Man. Shit.

X-MEN 122: CRY FOR THE GOD DAMN CHILDREN YOU HEARTLESS PRICK

Oh no! Colossus is being crushed by a giant garlic press in the Danger Room! Is it because he should instead be crying for the children?

Nope! It's because Cyclops wants to test the limits of his super fucking strength!

Wolverine doesn't think he is trying hard enough though, so he pops his claws into the danger room controls (that's not all he pops! haha! terrible obvious joke!) disabling the failsafe and then goes into the Danger Room to talk to shit to Petey. When Wolvie stands in between the huge garlic press, Colossus has no choice but to break the whole fucking danger room so he doesnt squash Wolverine and himself!

Cyclops is glad to see Colossus motivated, but he is still suspect of Wolvie's renegade style. "I applaud what he did Peter, but his methods could've gotten you both killed," Scott Summers explains.

Elsewhere, meaning UP IN FUCKING SPACE, Xavier is cooling out with his lady friend Lilandra. She has been officially crowned Empress of the Shiar Empire. So Chuck's got a suger moma. Good for him. No need to shed tear one for those fuckin kids where your slamming hot alien poon and have an entire alien empire at your beck and call.

Then jean Grey is hanging out in Scotland where she bumps into some weirdo in mutton chops. He's dressed like an Victorian court fop and goes by the name Jason Wyngarde. He's incredibly charming but there is some SERIOUSLY GRAVE FORESHADOWING GOING ON. SPOLIER ALERT: it is because he is really that faggot Mastermind!

Also two Scottish dildos are crying about that other dildo, Angus MacWhirter, who was killed a couple of issues ago on Muir Island by a mysterious unnamed bad guy while trying to get revenge on the X-Men for destroying his hovercraft. Yeah sure, why not? Get all the mileage you can out of that guy, Claremont.

Then Cyclops goes on a date with hot piece of ass Colleen Wing. Being a doofus, Summers asks, "Colleen, am I... Stuffy?"

"Like King Tut's Tomb, sport," replies Colleen. OH MY, HOW FLIRTATIOUS. TOO BAD NO ONE SEEMS TO BE GIVING A SHIT ABOUT THIS CHILDREN I WAS TOLD TO CRY FOR IN THIS COMIC'S TITLE.

Oh wait, there's Storm, going back to her childhood home in Harlem (even though it would make a whole lot more fucking sense if her childhood home was fucking Africa, but that's not my call). Storm's old digs have fallen into a state of desrepair, and it's safe to say they are in no danger of being gentrified anytime soon. She even discovers some children who look like they deserve some form of pity or something.

Ah ha! So THOSE are the youngins we asposed to be blubberin over. Strom tries to save all the innocent chilluns she's discovered in her former abode turned crack den, but being ravenous drug addicts, they instantly attack her with knives. If only Storm would just cough up some bucks so disadvantaged youths could get back to shooting up junk, nobody would need to be hurt. Unfortunately, always the party pooper, Storm just fucks them all up with a hurricane.

What the fuck is your problem Storm? You don't like parties?

Also Powerman shows up, afro and all, because its a comic book so that type of coincidence is normal.

We we also see Cyclops saying good bye to Colleen Wing who leaves the X-Mansion for New York but not before giving Cyclops a key to her apartment and an implied invitation to stuff her gaping woman cave with throbbing mutant tube steak whenever he wants.

And finally there are two pages of Juggernaut and Black Tom Cassidy hiring Miss Locke and Arcade, both of whom are assassins who will be fucking with the X-Mans in the next few issues. Great, new villains for the X-Men, thats wonderful. And these two new ones consist of a long haired woman in a sexy dress and a red headed punk in a big garish white suit and over sized bow tie. Yep, this a comic from the 70's all right.

All things considered - included the fact that I spent way to long recapping it and watching men's figure skating on the Olympics instead of studying for an accounting quiz I have tomorrow - this is probably my favorite issue so far. Light on the action, but absolutely engorged with mutant angst. And since these are bronze age X-Men, that means all these ideas are fresh and new and not tired and stale. And the characters are starting to feel like real people, for costumed super heroes anyway, so they'll be a little more fun to root for during their mindless punchfests.

Also, I must say, great depiction of a crack den. I can't do Byrne and Austin's art justice but it's like 10 well toned (ie healthy) kids of various ethnicities (lest Marvel appears racist), in a one bedroom dump. Walls covered in graphitti (most of names of other Marvel Comics professionals) and KISS posters (yup, the band), floors littered with garbage and mattresses stacked on unidentifiable crates. SOUNDS LIKE A CRACK DEN IN HARLEM TO ME!

Ten of those fucking kids in a room! Really fantastic stuff. Made me wanna bawl my fucking eyes out, anyway.

X-MEN 121: It SHOT OUT when STAN PEED

Canada has fucked with the WRONG AMERICAN MUTANTS! Cyclops, Colossus and Strom on a rampage up North, looking for the missing X-Men kidnapped by their Canadian counterparts, Alpha Flight. As they are in Calgary, it looks like this is going to be a real SHOOT-OUT AT THE STAMPEDE!

The Calgary Stampede is, allegedly, a real place, and that's where the X-Men go looking, in order to be in compliance with the title of this issue. And wouldn't you know it? That's where Alpha Flight is keeping the X-Knobs they've absconded with. HOW VERY CONVENIENT. Ok so they make some bullshit about Strom being able to trace their movement through the air or some such nonsense, but whatever, it's finally here, the fight we've all be waiting for: ALPHAGS LIGHT VS. THE X-MUNCHERS! yesss!!!!

SO WHO WINS? Well it's pretty much a draw. Alpha Flight is holding back (pussies), because they don't REALLY want to hurt the X-Farts, they just want Wolverine back BECAUSE YOU DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON JOHNNY CANUCK. NO SIR. And the X-Men are fighting like shit because Cyclops hasn't had proper time to effectively strategize. Because if he did, well, then ALL OF CANADA WOULD BE FUCKED.

It all comes to a head when Storm, trying to actually be useful for once, brings Shaman's raging tempest under control (which was earlier threatening to destroy all of Calgary), although it leaves her weak and vulnerable. Cyclops decides they've been fighting long enough and ZARKS Northstar in the face and is about to pound him into oblivion (you go cyclops!) when Wolverine stops him and turns himself in, because Wolverine has been acting like a giant pussy lately and he doesn't want anyone to get hurt over what he sees is a personal battle.

QUEER.

Wolverine gives himself up to the fucking Canadian police who put him in a fucking armored van. "This cage was specially designed for you, shorty. You couldn't bust loose in a million years." The Canadian donut eating bacon slab informs Wolvie. And the X-Men, satisfied by this conclusion, take off in their jet again. "So long and fuck you Wolverine," I imagine them saying to themselves.

But then, surprise surprise, Wolverine is actually on the jet! He snuck on after busting out of the van! "But how?! That truck - I thought--!" interrobangs a flabbergasted Cyclops. "Yeah. So did Jimmy Hudson (Weapon Alpha/Vindicator). Trouble is, the cage ain't been built that can hold me," dutifully replies Wolverine. GOOD TO KNOW!

So just like the end of a lame sit-com, everything is right back to the way it was.

Decent effort all around. The fight was enjoyable, and Canada's first super heroes (of the Marvel Universe, anyway) get to strut their stuff for the very first time. The ending was completely contrived but, eh, what do you expect for 1979? But over all, very tight, focused, action packed issue.

And I guess Claremont won the battle off wills by this time (it helps to be the scripter, and thus have the absolute final word on what the characters say) since Weapon Alpha is now very assertively referring to himself as The Vindicator! Many years later when John Byrne is writing and drawing Alpha Flight in their very own series I'm pretty sure he changes it back to Guardian. Gorwn men bickering over the code name of a Canadian super hero! Thrilling!

The issue ends with the implication that the X-Men are finally going to go back to the X-Mansion. Only problem is Xavier's up in outer fucking space with his alien bird girlfriend Empress Lilandra, and Jean Grey has fucked off to who knows where because everyone is convinced those X-Men are dead (ever since they got buried under Magneto's sub-volcanic liar in X-Men 113). So what kind of homecoming can the X-Wads expect? Oooh, such suspense! THIS IS HIGH QUALITY DRAMA RIGHT HERE.

X-MEN 120: FLAUNTED: WOLVERINE'S DONGER, OH MY!

So where has 25 comics of ALL NEW ALL DIFFERENT X-Men gotten us? Pretty fucking far when you consider how terrible some of the very first issues were. Not that those pointless issues of zero character development and generic Villain Of The Months were totally without redeeming qualities, its just that they clearly turned a corner for the better once Byrne came on as co-plotter/penciler.

I was thinking of doing a kind of retrospective of a then and now comparison and shit but, on second thought, fuck that. Or, to put it another way: who really gives a shit anyway? These new issues are still pretty fucking dumb too, so let's just plow ahead.

Heh heh, plow.

Ok, so there's Weapon Alpha, the Canadian dickface from issue 109, talking to some schmucky Candian scientist who explains to Weapon Alpha: "Wolverine: Wanted dead or alive!"

Weapon Alpha (who has no code name yet) says he'll round up Alpha Flight, Canada's gay version of the X-Men, to track Wolverine down, because the Canadian government spent a lot of money training Wolverine and are still pissed that he quit to join the X-Men way back in Giant Size X-Men #1.

To get Wolverine back on Team Maple Leaf, one of the Alpha Flightians, Shaman, who is a Shaman, casts a spell to make the X-Men's jet (which they were planning on taking home from Tokyo, where they had just finished fucking up Moses fuggin Magnum) land in Calgary instead of New York. Then X-Men and Alpha Flight start fighting in fucking Calgary! Except not really. The X-Men avoid an initial confrontation and then they split up and go shopping like assholes and a few of them get picked off and the real show down is teased for next issue in a cliffhanger.

So that's it, a real cock tease of a fucking issue. Also, at one point, Weapon Alpha confronts Banshee at a clothing boutique (I told you they really did go fucking shopping) and they have a spirited exchange:

Spalpeen! Really Claremont? It's cool looking back now, what with the innerwebs and everything, at all the ridiculous random minutia Claremont crams in. A word or two in German for Nightcrawler, a sprinkling of Russian for Colossus, random landmarks in exotic locales to show off his learned/traveled ways. I just can't help thinking that it's all a big stroke off for Claremont since 99% of it is going to go right over the head of the typical reader. This was still in the days of comics ACTUALLY being just for kids. This is 1979. There were some adult readers and local comic specialty shops, but most sales were still done at newsstands and spinner racks in supermarkets and convenience stores. Putting things like The Calgary Tower is an all right touch (although I suspect that was more Byrne's doing, since he is a dirty Canuck and went to art school in Calgary - BYRNE FUN FACT #1), but fucking spalpeen? Just stop jagging me off with that nonsense, already.

Although I'll be honest, spalpeen is an amazing word.

Also a fun fact from my time nerding it up on the world wide dorkmesh, Claremont and Byrne couldn't agree on a code name for Weapon Alpha, so he doesn't have one! What a loser! You see Claremont wanted to call him Vindicator. A fairly benign supery sounding name. But Byrne objected on the grounds that Canada never had a revolution per se, as such had nothing to vindicate. Wow, what a couple of fags. I think they later settled on Guardian. Or some shit.

Oh and get this, one of members of Alpha Flight is the indigenous tribesman (the Shaman guy) named Michael Twoyoungmen. Of all the fucking silly Indian names you could come up with, TWOYOUNGMEN is what you choose? It's like the Wayne's World bit where he orders Chinese food and asks for the Cream of Sumyounguy. Except theres no joke. It's like, check out my Indian friend, Daniel Frotswithdix, and his wife, Elizabeth Twobigtits. Just an awful, awful decision.

The rest of Alpha Flight are no big deal. Northstar, Snowbird, Sasquatch and Aurora. Those all sound like Canadian superheroes to me. Two Quebecers, a Scot and a Polack. Sure, fine.

Also of note, Wolverine, who is smoking the entire time because he is a fucking bad ass, gives Mariko, the Jap babe from japan, a Chrysanthemum, in a nod to the Japanese Imperial throne of the same name as the flower. So Wolverine shows his soft side again AND more bits of his past are hinted at, with the fucking Canadians all up his ass with bullshit. FUN!

Oh and Banshee used up all his powers on that weirdo Garokk back in the Savage fuggin Land so he's useless now. And Claremont keeps guest staring and name dropping randos from the Iron Fist comic he is writing concurrently. Quit that shit man, you're discombobulating the X-verse.

So next issue we'll see the X-Bags take on those fucking Canadian Spalpeens. OH SUPER.

X-MEN 119: TWAT THE DYKE BEFORE FUGGIN XMAS AND SHIT

It's Christmas Eve in X-Man land, and you know what that means... time to stop MOSES MAGNUM from obliterating JAPAN!

Which means STORM and NIGHTCRAWLER are STORMING Moses' liar by CRAWLING THROUGH THE NIGHT! After Nightcrawler punchersizes a guards face he flashbacks to the time earlier when they were talking with some RANDOM JAPANESE SCIENTIST GUY about how they are going to STOP MOSES MAGDUMDUM.

Sorry that picture is so small but you can CLICK TO ENLARGE IT.

As you can see, Moses whats everyone to surrender. For what purpose is NEVER MADE CLEAR IT ALL. It just seems Moses wants to exercise his EVIL BAD GUY PREROGATIVE by holding an ENTIRE COUNTRY HOSTAGE. Who needs fucking demands, this is Moses god damn Magnum we're talking about, buddy!

After STORB and NIGHTRAPER break in, CYCLIT, SUNFIYAH!, COLOSTOMYS AND WOLVERPEEN sneak in by burrowing underground like a bunch of ASSHOLE MOLE PEOPLE.

THEN THEY ARE ALL DEEP INSIDE MOSES' HIDEOUT AND LATER MAYBE HIS COLON.

MOSES MAGNUM has the power and size of MAGNUM P.I. and so he beats the X-Men up for a while. No, he's not wearing short-shorts nor does he sport a dago 'stache, but he does have a couple of MARK II MANDROIDS with him as well. HAH, all this talk of MAGNUMS and MANDROIDS make me think of CONDOMS!

Finally the X-Men win when BANSHEE screams his GOD DAMN HEAD OFF and almost dies. but Japan is saved. Now they can all go back to building fucking playstations and cars that ACCELERATE YOU TO DEATH.

Then, the X-Men in Japan, who everyone else STILL THINK ARE DEAD, have a little X-Mas party just for themselves, with no other friends because they are fucking losers. But they high five because they are pals and COLOSSUS and NIGHTCRAWLER are like, man, STROM is flirting with both of us but am I really up for this kind of party? I mean I like the other guy, don't get me wrong, but it's, well, it's just not my thing, you know?

And Banshee basically used up his power besting Moses Magnum so he just another worthless potato eating mic at this point. IRISH NEED NOT APPLY. Take your popish idolatry and get lost, paddy, we don't serve your kind.

Also in the last two pages Jean Grey goes back to Muir island to hang with Moira MacTaggert, MADDROX THE FUCKING MULTIPLE MAN, HAVOC AND ALSO POLARIS. Great, a fun party in the Outer Hebrides. COUNT, ME, OUT.

And some old stupid Scot douche bag named Angus MacWhirter who rented the X-Men a hovercraft that promptly got demolished in issue 104 wants revenge on the X-Men so he plans on blowing up Muir Island's MUTANT RESEARCH CENTER. What the fuck dude, you didn't have insurance on that bad boy? Then you've only got yourself to blame. No sense in taking it out on a defenseless mutant research center when it's your own poor judgement and myopic business practices that landed you in this mess. Learn from your mistake, thats the best possible outcome you can hope for in this case. Now, next time you OH GOD WHATS THAT! ITS MUTANT FUCKING X AND IT LOOKS LIKE ITS KILLING YOU OFF PANEL! HOLY SHIT YOU ARE TOTALLY DEAD NOW! FUCK!

Whats the deal with Mutant X? Probably something we'll find out in later issues (HINT: WE WILL).

So that does it for X-Men Essentials Volume one. We've made it through the first 27 appearances of the ALL NEW ALL DIFFERENT X-MEN, and what an exciting fun time for pals we had. Lots of improvement over the run. From a publication stand point, GS X-MEN #1 came out in May of 1975. X-Men #119 in August 1979. So over 4 years. That's a pretty long time. Nerds graduate college in less time than that.

I'll probably get around to doing a Essential Vol 1 retrospective of sorts as soon I have nothing better to do, which could mean it'll happen tomorrow, since I'm still buried under a mountain of GOD DAMN COCKSUCKING DICKLICKING SNOW. Or I could get back to doing all the school work I'm supposed and, oh yeah, finding a motherfucking job.

Whatever, I love the X-Men so maybe I'll just keep reading them AND YOU GO AHEAD AND YOU TRY AND STOP ME. YOU TRY AND YOU DIE. THATS RIGHT, I DO WHAT I WANT.

X-MEN 118: THE SUBMERGENCE OF THE SLANTY EYED JAPS!

No, not Jewish American Princesses, but actual Japanese, as this issue is all about the (potential) submergence of the island nation of Japan, and today is racist title parody day on Balzac's Ballsack. But really, all people are worth making fun of. White, blacks, japs, whatever. It's just that certain types of people, especially the kinds with creepy half shut eyes because they're always up to no good, are the better to make fun of than others. So like, egh, barf, Asians, totally gross, man.

So I guess you could say the X-Men are in smack dab in the middle of barf country, as we join them right as their weird freighter from last issue pulls up to the port of Agarashima in Japan, which, according to the Google, is totally made up.

All the X-Men look flabbergasted because ALL OF JAPAN IS TOTALLY ON FIRE.

The X-Dudes, being heroes, rush off to go save the island, natch. Their first move is to go looking for their super hero pal and filthy slope, Sunfire. We're then treated to a breif interlude of Xavier and Lilandra IN SPACE. They're in a Shiar space ship leaving Earth, because Xavier said fuck it, I'm quitting the super hero biz, and why bother double checking with Cerebro to make sure the X-Men are DEFINITELY dead, I've got a hot space alien girlfriend so SEE YA LATER EARTH FUCKS, NOW MAKE OUT WITH ME EMPRESS LILANDRA, OH YEAH YOU FRENCH GREAT FOR A SPACE BIRD CHICK, YEAH!

Then the X-Pals find Sunfire but he is super pissed because Sunfire is in fact a great big dickhead.

Then Wolverine shows his sensitive side, and reveals the fact that he speaks Japanese because he spent some time in Japan before, and flirts with Sunfire's cousin. Oooh he is one smooth talker, yes he is.

Wolviepoo was well on his way to getting an OTCHJ (over the costume hand job) when the two lovebirds are interrupted by an EARTHQUAKE. FUCK MAN, I'M TRYING TO BANG THIS BROAD. QUIT FUCKIN COCK BLOCKING ME BRO.

But this was no natural earthquake. No, if it was, Storm informs us that she would have sensed it, however this was no natural earthquake, thus Storm was unable to warn the X-Men. Great, so there's another thing Storm fucking sucks at. Seriously, can she be fired yet? Is it because she's both black and female and so fills two slots on the demographic checklist? What? X-Men aren't immune to affirmative action. It's a fact of life for mutants and humans alike. Deal with it.

Anyway, the earthquake's unnatural cause was due to some rando Avenger villains that show up out of no where, hilariously called MANDROIDS. yep, that's their name all right. The fucking Mandroids. Holy jesus.

A Mandorids, for those unfamiliar, is a bad guy in a big robotic suit with a big shooty gun attached to each hand (duh). The X-Males take all the Mandorids down in short order, prompting team leader and bestest of all X-Men, Cyclops, to offer this compliment, "By the way people, you did good tonight."

Man, what a magnanimous leader. I wish he was my leader.

Unfortunately the Mandroids were not the main boss. No, just when the X-Men start sucking each other's popsicles on a job well done, in comes Moses Magnum in a hologram, to tell the X-Men that he's totally going to sink Japan, but you'll have to tune in next month to see him do it!

Moses Magnum is a big black guy with a goatee and afro. Yeah Claremont and Byrne apparently knew it was racist day too. Pretty good issue though. The art suffered a tad due to guest inker named not-Terry-Asutin-but-someone-I'm-too-lazy-to-look-up-cause-I-just-closed-the-book but it's still all right. Thinner lines, a bit rougher, fluffier maybe, but OK. Wolverine gets to show he's more than just a homicidal berzerker (thus setting up the downward spiral that will slowly ruin his character, but its nice a welcome development at first). And the X-Men get to fuck around in Japan, which is fine. Fine, just fine. A swell time for all. Great fun times for the X-Men in Japan. WE'RE ALL HAVING A FUCKING GREAT TIME, AREN'T WE.

Ok, congrats Saints. Now with your SB win and Haiti, you're officially on your own. Look elsewhere for sympathy, at least until the Giants win another Superbowl or you get creamed by another natural disaster.

X-MEN 117: SIGH... WOPS

No actual Italians show up in X-Men 117, so that completely unnecessary bit of racism (if you're one of THOSE people who consider Italians a race, that is), is just because the real title is PSI-WAR and after the 'sigh' I couldn't think of anything else to use and also because I fucking hate those greasy dago goombas.

The opening splash page features our heroes on some pathetic looking raft, trying to float away from the Savage Land (located in Antarctica, duh) to South America. Instead of a leasuirely slow boat to Tierra del Fuego, however, the X-Bags get stuck in the storm of the century! (which everyone knows is represented in comic books by drawing a shit load of thin little lines all over the page) Shit! What are they to do now!

It really can't get any stupider. Storm honestly says, well sorry guys, can't help you this time, and everyone just kinda shrugs and says, well, sucks for us then. Ridiculous. It'd be like Wolverine being stuck in a butcher shop saying "Oh man, if only there was a way for me to cut up all these delicious meats!" I understand that for plot reasons the X-Men have to be in some sort off peril so that the random passing frighter can rescue them and take them to Japan but, I dunno, make it a rogue tidal wave or come up with a reason for Storm's powers to stop working or something. Having the X-Men get troubled a storm when fucking STORM IS ON THEIR TEAM is just dumb.

But I digress. Back to the story: the aforementioned totally random freighter picks up the X-Men and then oddly explains that everything about their ship is a secret and the X-Men must go down below decks for the remainder of the voyage and not ask any more questions.

What the fuck, I know the X-Men are good guys but why can't they just tell Captain Hama and First Mate Takeda that the Jinguchi Maru is now the X-Frighter and the X-Men will do with it what the damn well please. Unless any of these Nipponese sailor pussies have super powers than they can kindly direct all protests to bottom of Colossus' shiny metal backside.

But no, the X-Sheep do as they're told and are not heard from again until next issue.

The next page cuts to the X-Mansion where Jean, thinking all the other X-Men are dead, says goodbye to Xavier's new squeeze piece, Empress Lilandra, and takes off. It's a very touching moment.

Lilandra then goes and finds her crippled soul mate and tries to feed him some bagels and smear (really!), but Xavier is too distraught over all his students being dead. Oh boo fucking hoo you big baby.

Xavier then goes into flashback mode and starts blabbing about his boring ass past. It starts in a comic book montage where Xavier's big bald chrome dome takes up the whole page with little pics of his personal history pasted on the side of that smooth hairless pate. Xavier met Moira MacTaggert in grad school and they fell in love (so that mystery is solved, whoopee) but then got drafted and fought in the Korean War (which obviously can't be true anymore since it would make him like, 90 years old now, but whatever) and then Moira broke up with him without explanation (too be resolved in later issues, I bet!). Xavier then bummed around the globe like a dirty hippy until he landed in Cairo, which according to John Byrne has pyramids right there in the middle of the city (note, this is false).

Continuing with his dumb fucking story, Xavier explains that a young Strom, being trained by Achmed that master beggar thief (yup, still a terrible idea, Claremont), picks his pocket. Goodness, what are the odds! Cue-ball the Explorer (Chuck being bald since his twenties, apparently), actually gets his wallet back from Storm but then runs into Amahl Farouk, another powerful mutant psychic hanging out in Cairo. He is evil though, so he and Xavy end up duking it out on the astral (ie psychic) plane.

Long story short, Chuckiepoo wins and Farouk is dead (spoiler: he is NOT dead). Chuck leaves, mentions how he later gets his legs broken fighting some alien named Lucifer (this happened in earlier, even shittier, Silver Age X-Men comics flashback) and then decides to stop evil mutants like Farouk by started the X-Men.

Lilandra is all like, hey yeah, great story *YAWN*, tell it to me again, please. And then we see Jean Grey at an airport where she runs into her old room mate who is also at the airport who plugs a different comic that she is in that is also written by Chris Claremont (Power Man/Iron Firs. Great name). The End.

So-so ish. The all mental fight scene between Xavier and Farouk is fine, but not much else goes on. Also the fucking Superbowl is on and I've got some wops to beat up, so thats enough of this. Next issue: DIRTY JAPS!

X-MEN 116: TO SAVAGE THIS ASS, LAD

Ka-Zar takes his X-Pals up a mountain, who's boulders spell out the real title of this issue - TO SAVE THE SAVAGE LAND - so he can show the X-Fellas what the savage land must be saved from, and does not, alternatively, tell an underage male prostitute what he expects him to do in order to obtain the coke riddled twenty dollar bill he's waving in front off his impoverished, pimpled face.

Nope, luckily for some imaginary boy hooker, Ka-Zar needs the X-Mans to stop Garokk, the recently resurrected evil Sun God of Who Knows What, from totally fucking up the Savage Land. However, the only negative consequence of Garokk's dastardly machination evident thus far is that it is now winter in the Savage Land, and there is NEVER winter in the Savage Land.

Now, this may sound like no big fuckin deal to most people, especially those already accustomed to arctic climes, and they'd be right. Oooh, winter, fuckin so what? And normally I'd agree, but just this weekend my suburban Mid-Atlantic home was recently buried under an avalanche of fucking snow. There are some who enjoy a pretty snowfall, but let me be perfectly clear in expressing my opinion with regards to partaking in a wintery wonderland.

FUCK SNOW. FUCK IT IN EACH AND EVERY ONE OF ITS INDIVIDUALLY UNIQUE CRYSTALLINE WATER ICE PARTICLES. The only people who think snow is a good thing are children and daffy slits who've never known the backbreaking joy of driveway shoveling. PEOPLE WHO THINK SNOW IS COOL DESERVE AN ASS SAVAGING OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.

So Ka-zar says Garokk needs to be stopped, because of the winter where the was no winter before, or because he is creating an apocalyptic 'new order', or 'cause of fucking whatever. Who cares. Either way I say you go and you stop him X-Men. You stop that fucking son of a bitch and you stop him good.

SO HERES WHAT HAPPENS:

Ka-Zar shows the X-Men some giant dome, which looks eerily like the Millennium Dome, where Garokk is up to no fucking good. But then they are attacked by a squadron of pterodactyl riding bad guys who start fucking the X-Men's asses right the fuck up (Pterodactyls are so hot right now). Cyclops, Banshee, Colossus and Ka-Zar are all embarrassingly captured. Way to go, losers. So Nightcrawler, Storm and Wolverine have to go rescue them. Wolverine kills a few dinosaurs and a man (brutally, too. Man, Wolverine is sooooo coool. I wish they would make MORE comics with him in them). Now they have to save the captured X-Men from getting burned alive! Check it out:

So the uncaptured X-Men set the captured X-Men free and Garokk instantly runs away (pussy). Cyclops chases him down because he is the leader and the bravest of all X-Men (go Cyclops go!). Cykeman and Garokk O'Gama get into a fierce eye blast battle and X-Man Number One is victorious, of course, and then the whole evil dome starts collapsing. Garokkface ends up falling down a pit and Storm decides that even his life is worth saving and dives down the pit after him while the rest of X-Mens and Ka-Zar escape.

It is explained through very painful and laborious exposition that Strom's morals do not allow her to stand idle as a life is in peril. What is not explained is why Strom gives a shit about an evil reincarnated sun god. Nor is one inclined to assume that Garokk would die just from falling down a pit. He's a fucking god, he was just about to ruin a whole fucking continent, he can't survive a little tumble down a well? It's also not clear what happens to the thousands of participants who are shown earlier in the stands of the fake Millennium Dome who were there to watch Garokk execute the X-Men. Presumably they all die when dome collapses. But Storm doesn't seem to mind that, because fuck those guys, right?

Then the X-Men decide its time to leave and they get on some shitty raft that the Professor from Gilligan's island would be mortified of and set sail. Unfortunately they decide to leave in the middle of a terrible storm. Oh no! What a pain in the neck! If only there was a member of the team who had a power that would allow him or her to change the weather from bad to good. If only there was an X-Men with the power to control STORMS...

Seriously, what the fuck is Storm's problem? She is fucking terrible. What a waste off a fucking costume. Storm you suck. If it weren't for that fine black ass of yours that is just begging to be savaged, I would have fired you right the fuck off the team! Ho.

Solid enough ish, though, all in all. Byrne and Austin's art is tremendous. The fake Millenium Dome is a perfect example of the prototypical sci-fi hulking construct. Big flat panels interspersed with intricate technological detail. Thats a pretty lame ass description.

here, it looks like a cross between this and this.

That's the Millennium Dome I was talking about by the way. But yeah, as always with the older bronze age stuff, it's silly and imperfect, but it's still pretty good. Claremont will do better next time he takes the X-Men to the Savage Land. Zaladane will be fleshed out a little more, besides just being a generic big titted evil witch. I'm pretty happy to leave the Savage fucking Land behind at this point though.

Great, well, so long Savage Land. See you in hell. And fucking die, god damn piece of shit snow keeping me from leaving the god damn house and meeting my dealer and then rendezvousing with the underage male prostitute I contacted through craigslist.

X-MEN 115: Visions of farts

Suaron faces of against the X-Men in the Savage Land, as I continue to mail in the title parodies!

The ish picks up right where we left off, with the villianous flying lizard Sauron dragging unconscious Storm away from the rest of the X-Men, telling them that "SAURON SHALL RULE THIS SAVAGE LAND!"

And then bad ass Wolverine says: "THE ONLY PLACE YOU'RE GOING TO RULE... IS IN HELL!"

You fucking tell him Wolverine!

And then they fight for a while. Sauron, besides being a flying dragon type, can also drain victim's life energy (hence the vampire analogy) AND control people's mind with his evil gaze. Eventually Sauron tries to suck some of Colossus' pud force but is thwarted when Petey changes from meaty pink Colossus to shiny metal Colossus, which causes a power surge feedback of pud that fucks Sauron up, who then changes back to his pussy human self.

You kind of feel bad for Sauron though. He just wanted to protect his pterodactyl eggs and raptor bacon. Who wouldn't, right?

Then right before Wolverine stabs' Sauron's fucking face, Tarzan rip-off Ka-Zar shows up with his pet sabertooth tiger. Then everybody gets together and explains some gayness about the Savage Land that is pretty boring and soon they realize they must join forces to defeat evil rock god GAROKK (yes that's right) who's been summoned to fuck things up by equally evil Savage Land priestess Zaladane, who has the power to reincarnate evil gods with her massive cleavage.

Cyclops, exhibiting an uncommon shred of common sense, recognizes that the X-Men have found themselves in the middle of some jagov civil war in Antarctica and instructs the X-Men that they have bigger fish to fry, despite vehement protest from Wolverine, who decides that Ka-zar's plight sounds like his "kind'a fracas." Alas, poor Wolvie, Cyke is still in charge, and the X-Men prepare to depart.

But then it starts snowing in the Savage Land, which the X-Men decide is the sign of a true emergency that the former situation was lacking, and now avail themselves to Ka-zar and his people.

The Battle between Gay-zar the the X-Turds vs badguy Rock face god and evil priestiess Zalatits takes place next issue. Can't fuggin wait.

Some pretty good fightin in this one but a lot of valuable real estate was taken up by a bunch of Savage Land backstory that needed to be explained. I guess Ka-Zar had his own comic running concurrently and the editors thought a cross over would be a good idea. I dunno, the Savage Land is kind of a cool idea but Ka-zar is a boring asshole. Who cares if the Savage Land is fucked? Fuck the whole continent, no one gives a shit about Antarctica. I'm sorry you like running around in a loin cloth with your giant cat but it's time to get with it Ka-zar. And cut that disgusting mullet off you dickhead.

And Sauron is also an ok villian but I get tired of him too. He first appeared at the tail end of the X-Men's Silver Age run as a supposedly ingenious way around the ban on depictions of vampires in mainstream comics (that was a real thing, by the way). So instead of an immortal Eastern European prince who sucked the blood of virgin babes, he's a scientist who accidentally transformed himself into an evil pterodactyl man who drains people's life forces. HOW IS THAT IN ANYWAY LIKE A FUCKING VAMPIRE? IT IS NOT. But with vampires being totally for the gays now, what with Twilight and all, I guess its a moot fucking point.

Anyway, if you want to know what the fuck the pterodactyl eggs and raptor bacon references were, watch this clip at around the 6 minute mark. it probably still won't make any sense but so fucking what.