X-Men 204: Where the frig, Nightcrawler?

What we learned this issue besides what the motherfuck happened to motherfucking Nightcrawler.

Actually I never found out what happened to Nightcrawler. He was in some miniseries that I never read and will most likely never read either. Claremont didn't write it so who gives a shit, right? Not fucking me, that's who. Anyways.

NIGHTCRAWLER LOVES TO BROOD AND IMPERSONATE GARGOYLES AND POOP.

NIGHTCRAWLER'S NAME IS WAY TOO LONG. THAT IS GOING TO GET ANNOYING.

NIGHTDUMPER BREAKS UP WITH HIS HOT ASS STEWARDESS GIRLFRIEND. WHO IS ALSO HIS STEP SISTER. AND IS ALSO A WITCH. FUCKIN COMICS, AMIRITE?

SOME COED JOGGER NEEDS SOME AMODIUM

ARCADE IS IS STILL COMPLETELY WACKJOB.

REAL DIALOGUE TAKEN FROM THE BOOK VERBATIM: "BACK OFF YOU BRAWNY, BRUTAL, BACK-STABBING BOZOS!" YOU TELL 'EM NIGHTPOOPER!

YOU CAN EASILY THINK OF SOME RACIAL SLURS TO GO SOMEWHERE IN NIGHTCRAWLER'S NAME, BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE INDULGING IN RAYCESS JOKES RIGHT NOW.

This issue is all over the place. Claremont's basically turned the X-Men into an anthology series at this point. With so many characters and storylines being juggled at once, he looses track of the main narrative. Part of that is due to those bullshit Secret Wars crossovers, part of it is Claremont's been writing X-Men for close to 10 years now. The disjointed feeling is exacerbated by the fill in artists. Some fucking guy called Brigman who I know nothing about (though it's inked by future super star, now pedestrian workman, While Portacio) pencils this ish. He's aight.

It's not necessarily a bad thing but this issue doesn't shine. Mostly is molders. After abruptly breaking up with his girlfriend, Amanda Sefton, who isn't seen again for a while, Nightcrawler goes on a solo adventure with some random chick named Judith, who is kidnapped by Arcade, that stupid asshole who Claremont seems to have a boner for.

They then fight 19th Century mounted Calvary, WWI bi-planes, a shark, Mad Max style dune buggies and a pack of modern day knife wielding Asian gangsters. Oh and Arcade wears a dress for some reason.

But Nightdonger saves the day, then there's some weird ass cliffhanger, and next issue is another Barry Windsor-Smith issue. So I don't know.

Oh, and there's a very blatant coloring mistake where Colossus' face is all fleshy when's is armored up (well it's a robot Colossus but still).

Anyway, C, C-. 72/100. Next.

X-MEN 123: "LISTEN--STOP ME I YOU'VE HEARD IT--BUT THIS ONE WILL FUCK YOUR WHOLE LIFE UP!"

Holy fuckin shit, fuckin SPIDER-MAN guest stars in this fucking issue! That's huge! The web spinnin' wall crawler himself. Your friendly fucking neighborhood Spider-Fuckin-Man! AND DON'T FORGET TO PUT THE HYPHEN IN HIS FUCKING NAME YOU FUCKING FUCKS.

Man - I can't wait to see what Spider-Man does! Hopefully he'll help the X-Men fight that jerk face Arcade and his sexy assassin friend Miss Locke! That would be awesome! Probably the worst thing they could have him do, though, is just swing in for a page or two, do nothing of any consequence whatsoever, and then swing away. You know, just some cheap excuse to put Marvel's most popular character on the cover and help sell a few more copies.

Oooh I can't wait! Let's check out the spidey action!

Aw, they went with the cheap ass cameo of no consequence whatsoever. SAD FACE :(

Oh well, I guess we'll just see what happens to the fucking X-Men then, since it is there fucking comic book, afterall (by the way, drawing Spider-Man is a fucking pain in the ass. That would be the worst gig in all comic-dom. All those fucking tiny webs and shit. Gah. Anyhow).

Anyhow! After Spider-Man frigs the fuck off, a rouge garbage truck under the employ of Arcade scoops up Colleen and Cyclops with it's tricked out trash collector. SFLANNG! goes the sound effect. Well that ruins THAT fuckin date!

Then we see Colossus and Nightcrawler with their fuckin dates, Betsy and AmanDUH, entering a private box at the Metropolitan Opera House in the Lincoln Center (oh Claremont, you are so cultured!). Except it's sexy assassin Miss Locke leading them into that private box, and that's no private box (heh heh, private box), it's "Some kind of steel box" that releases knock-out gas and then delivers it's human cargo into Arcade's clutches! A dastardly trap if there ever was one!

Then it is implied that the tricked out garbage truck also gets the jump on Wolverine and kidnaps HIM TOO! YEAH RIGHT, THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT. But the book says it happens, so it happens.

Moving on, Arcade himself sneaks into the X-Mansion and shoots Banshee and Storm with tranquilizers and brings them back to his secret hide out too! Oh also that fucker Spider-Man calls the X-Mansion because - get this - he recognized the 'SFLANNG' sound that the garbage truck made when it kidnapped Colleen and Cyclops and wanted to warn the other X-Men. But Arcade is the only one conscious to pick up and he taunts SpideyBalls who is so enraged by this that he explodes the pay phone booth he's in. GEERRAGH! IMPOTENT RAGE!

And thats really the end of Spider-Dong's worthless cameo.

Now we see the all the X-Men, in their costumes, encased in giant plastic spheres and lined up in a giant size pinball machine, with the X-Men inside the 6 foot high pinballs. Woo boy, that is some deviousness!

Hey waitaminute! If Arcade and Miss Locke could kidnap all the X-Men, by SHOOTING some of them with tranquilizers, why did they bother to build a giant pinball machine and all that shit? Why didn't they just, you know, FUCKING KILL THEM ALL RIGHT THERE?

Because it's some fucked up kids comic book from the 70's, that's why, just deal with it.

Anywho, each X-Men is then separated and dumped into some different rooms each specifically designed to terrorize the individual X-Men that land in the room. The perils they each then face range from the mundane - one of the walls in Cyclops' room is closing in on him and will crush him, eventually - to the surreal - Banshee is attacked by replica Nazi Stucka air bombers. Um, what?

Cyclops manages to escape with the ingenious plan of blowing up one of the side walls and walking out off his room. He then helps Wolverine defeat a bunch of robot Wolverines being generated by funhouse mirrors, or whatever.

And that's when the PROLETARIAN ATTACKS! Ha hah! The Proletarian is actually a pretty interesting concept, despite being totally out of place and never given a chance to develop. You see the Proletarian is really Colossus, whose been brainwashed by a robotic KGB agent, who guilts him for forsaking the motherland and joining an American team of super heroes.

It's a novel idea with a lot of potential, it being still tense times in the Cold War after all. But (SPOILER ALERT), it's pretty much discarded instantly next issue. And here all we see of the Proletarian, besides the earlier conversation between Colossus and the fake KGB robot, is a fist going 'KROM' and then Colossus in a full panel, introducing himself to Cyclops and Wolverine and looking like a complete jackass. He's wearing boots, coveralls with no shirt and a beret. Also on the coveralls are CCCP, a hammer and sickle, and a profile of Lenin's face. It's true, centralized economies can't efficiently allocate resources and design super hero costumes worth shit. Marxist, more like FARTISTS.

And the last panel is Arcade laughing his fruity ass off while the three babes are being held prisoners in oversized gift boxes, complete with oversized gift bows, with only their heads showing, again, because it is some crazy ass fucked up 70's comic book.

Another good issue, despite the nutzo cartoon plot and the obnoxious high brow cultural reference dropping by Claremont. The whole issue was fun enough to overcome those short comings, and Spider-Cunt's worthless appearance. Man, fuck that fucking Spider-Man. Shit.