X-Men 159: Big Dracula Suckfest

WHAT WE SUCKED IN THIS ISSUE:

DRACULA'S GOT JUNGLE FEVER

SORRY KITTY, ONLY CHRISTIANS CAN USE CRUCIFIXES TO STOP DRACULA. TRY AGAIN, JEW!

STORM DEFEATS DRACULA WITH THE POWER OF LOVE!

WOLVERINE IS ALWAYS DRINKING BEER, ALWAYS!

DRACULA WEARS MONOGRAPHED SCARVES!

I REALLY DIG THE 4TH PANEL ON PAGE 11 - ISN'T IT RAD?

Claremont could have really fucked this up, seeing as how it was really supposed to be THE Dracula and it wasn't like Vampires were the cool thing to do back in the early 80's. Of course, this was also before all that Twilight horseshit went and fucked up vampires for everyone, so maybe the timing was for the best.

Anyway, the main idea is Dracula neck rapes Storm, just 'cause he can, I guess, and the X-Bags go and fight him, but he's Dracula so he fucks their asses up real good. But then Storm uses her indomitable will to beat Dracula and so Dracula leaves them all alone like a big pussy. But it never really gets too silly, nor does it veer off into camp. And a lot happens in this one, self-contained issue, so it makes for a very fast paced, tightly wound yet very enjoyable script.

Furthermore, the art is by Bill Sienkiewicz, and even though it's not as experimental as his work will very shortly become, it's still easily the best penciling since John Byrne and is one of my personal favorite Claremont issues with regards to the drawings.

GOOD FUCKING JOB EVERYONE.

It's never really explained how and why Dracula is just up and about, doing his vampire thing, besides the fact that it's a comic book and the X-Knobs have fought fucking Frankenstein in the past, so whatever. Dracula is never really heard from again either, except maybe an upcoming annual, and the idea that Storm is potential concubine/vassal of Dracula isn't ever fully explored in later issues (which is probably for the best). Still, this issue was excellent.

And next issue is probably my favoritest ever. Holy shit what a fun treat for me.

X-Men 158: The Gyne that Late Hath Bled...

WHAT WE LEARN IN YET ANOTHER ISSUE'S WHOSE TITLE IS TAKEN FROM FUGGIN SHAGSBERE:

APPARENTLY FROM TAMING OF THE SHREW (AKA PUTTING THE CUNT IN HER PLACE) ONE OF THE MOST RIDICULOUSLY MISOGYNISTIC PIECES OF CRAP EVER WRITTEN. AND DON'T GIVE ME THAT "IT WAS A PRODUCT OF IT'S ERA" BULLSHIT. WE DON'T CELEBRATE OLD STORIES OF KEEPING SLAVES IN LINE. SHAXSPEER FUCKED IT UP, DONT GIVE HIM A PASS, FUCK HIM IN HIS DAINTY FOP, I SAY.

RAZA THE STAR/BUTTJAMMER TALKS FUNNY: "EASY FOR THOU TO SAY, LUMMOX."

WHAT THE FUCK IS A LUMMOX?

DAVE COCKRUM NEEDS A BETTER REFERENCE PICTURE OF THE PENTAGON CAUSE WHAT HE DREW IS TOTALLY FUCKED.

ORACLE, A PSYCHIC ALIEN, INVADES XAVIER'S FUCKED UP HEAD TO DISASTROUS RESULTS: "IN AN INSTANT, SHE DIES A THOUSAND GRUESOME DEATHS, VICTIM OF A SAVAGE CONFLICT BEING WAGED WITHIN XAVIER'S BRAIN."

SHIT, I HATE DYING A THOUSAND GRUESOME DEATHS!

THAT ASSHOLE DR CORBEAU IS STILL AROUND GOD DAMN IT.

OH NO, THE GOVERNMENT HAS FILES ON THE X-MEN THAT COMPROMISES THEIR SECURITY, WHAT DO WE DO? KITTY PRYDE'S SOLUTION: "WE SIMPLY DESIGN AN OPEN-ENDED VIRUS PROGRAM TO ERASE ANY AND ALL REFERENCES TO THE X-MEN AND PLUG IT INTO A CENTRAL DATA BANK. FROM THERE IT'LL INFECT THE ENTIRE SYSTEM IN NO TIME."

THAT'S ALMOST AS FUCKINGS DUMB AS THE ENDING TO THE MOVIE INDEPENDENCE DAY, KITTY PRYDE. ALMOST.

ROGUE SHOWS UP IN UNCANNY X-MEN FOR THE FIRST TIME, AND SHE IS NOTHING LIKE THE LOVABLE SEXY SOUTHERN SCAMP WE'VE ALL COME TO KNOW SO WELL (I.E. JAGOV OFF TO).

ALSO ROGUE'S SEXY BLUE SKINNED STEPMOM, MYSTIQUE, APPEARS AS WELL.

The actual title, "The life that late I led..." actually makes sense for once, because this issue is all about the X-Men examining their identities and the series as a whole taking stock of it's current situation. Pretty soon Claremont will start delving into some serious character development and move the X-Men further and further away from a traditional super hero team book. Overall this is a pretty solid transition issue.

As mentioned Rogue shows up with Mystique, who are both villains here, and they throw down with a few of the X-Men and Carol Danvers, a character Claremont is creepily obsessed with. Carol Danver's super hero name is Ms. Marvel, and Claremont wrote her solo comic book until Marvel canceled it, so Claremont just started writing Danvers in the comic he was doing that WAS selling well. It worked ok but was more annoying than anything.

In this issue Danvers comes to grip with losing her powers and memories to Rogue, who has the ability to steal people's, uh, powers and memories... ANYWAY, you'd think this would be a perfect time to write this character into oblivion, and that's what it seems Claremont was doing here, but instead, her dumb ass continues to show up periodically the in the pages of Uncanny X-Men for the next 10 years. It's like a god damn fetish with this guy Claremont.

I do also want to point out, however, how awesome Claremont is in handling the character Rogue. You see this kind of character and super power created often, usually when a writer gets lazy and can't think of any cool new super powers. So the new character's power is... to, uh, take whatever power it is of the person they're fighting! Yeah, that's it. You see it all the time. But what Claremont does, from the very first appearances of Rogue, is make this power a crippling disability. Sure, you can absorb the strength of the Hulk, but you also gain parts of his psyche, warts and all. And so every time you fight for your life (which is a lot when you're a comic book super hero) you have to absorb bits of other peoples minds and personalities, which, as you can imagine, would probably fuck you up something fierce.

In the hands of lesser writers, Rogue would just be an "equalizer", someone who, when the X-Men are getting outmatched, can just steal the bad guy heavy's power and swing the tide in the X-Men's favor. But Claremont doesn't take the easy way out. Instead of using the "and she also gains her opponents mental ability" as a cheat so Rogue can just be assumed to know how to affectively use whatever powers she's just absorbed, Claremont flips that shit and makes it her curse.

And I could probably write some more about that like a giant fucking nerd and some other funny shit that was in this issue but it's already fucking late and the god damn piece of shit Mets are in extra innings again and why the fuck do I even follow those assholes anymore.

Oh fuck my balls.

X-Men 157: Hide-'N'-Skeet

WHAT WE LEARNED IN THE THIS ISSUE ABOUT TAKING COVER AND MASTURBATING:

DAVE COCKRUM REALLY LOVES DESIGNING COSTUMES.

BY THE BLACK FUCKIN NEBULA, ADMIRAL LORD SAMEDAR IS A TOTAL DICKHEAD!

KITTY PRYDE PRETENDS TO UNSTOPPABLE GENOCIDAL PLANET KILLER, DARK PHOENIX, IN ORDER TO GET THE SHI'AR IMPERIAL GUARD TO HELP FIGHT ON THE X-MEN'S SIDE AND IT WORKS.

OR AT LEAST HALF OF THEM, WHO THEN THEY FIGHT THE OTHER HALF WITH NIGHTCRAWLER, KITTY PRYDE, WHO LOSE AND ASSHOLE SAMEDAR FIRES A DEATH RAY AT EARTH, BUT THE X-BAGS AND BUTTJAMMERS HAVE FIXED THE STUDRAMMER SPACESHIP IN TIME AND IT BLOCKS THE SHOT AND THEN LILANDRA APPEARS AND THE EVIL REBEL FORCES ARE STOPPED AND THE X-TARDS GO BACK TO EARTH.

The issue was already mostly recapped above. The Brood and Deathbird aren't really dealt with, but that's handled later on, in a much better space arc. It's a continuation of this storyline but there are some filler issues in between (that are better than the preceding issues I've just read) and the second half of the story is also superior.

Also we get some welcome guest artists coming up. Cockrum has his strengths, like costume design, but his art in this run has been flat and uninspired. Even worse than it was when he first drew the X-Men. I've heard he was a slow penciler so maybe the monthly pace hindered his work. On the other hand, god fuck it all.

Also of note, plotwise, we now know that the Brood need the X-Fruits as 'breeders' to serve the 'mother of all of us'. It's funny cause the Brood are clearly rip-offs of ALIEN the movie but a lot of their features seem more like cribs from ALIENS, except that movie is years away from being made and the multiple aliens + mother alien, while perhaps implied by scenes in the first movie, aren't yet explicit to that franchise. So really Dave, er... JAMES Cameron is a pathetic fraud and a hack, but we all knew that by now, didn't we? (from how he totally stole Terminator 2 from Days of Future Past, right?)

This issue ends real anti-climatically, with the major threat fizzling out in half a page without a big pay off. It is, however, strongly suggested that Xavier's been infected by the Brood and is pretty fucked up at the end of the issue, which, as a cliffhanger, thankfully isn't resolved in the first few pages of the next issue. It actually is played up nicely over the next several issues (or so, I'm not totally sure). Anyway, fuck this space shit, back on Earth next issue.

ERF BABY. EE - AR - EF!

X-Men 156: Purshit

WHAT WE LEARNED IN THIS ISSUE:

YOU'D THINK WE'D LEARN THAT THE X-MEN PURSUE SOMEONE OR SOMETHING IN THIS ISSUE, SINCE IT IS THE FUCKING ISSUE'S TITLE, AFTER ALL, BUT NO, THE X-MEN PRETTY MUCH JUST SIT ON THEIR ASS AND LET SHIT HAPPEN TO THEM THE WHOLE TIME.

THE STARJAMMERS BEAM THE X-MEN ONTO THEIR SHIP BECAUSE THEY HAVE A MAGICAL ROBOTIC DEUS EX MACHINA THAT CAN HEAL COLOSSUS (SO HE WASN'T REALLY GOING TO DIE? OH YOU HAD ME GOING THERE FOR A MINUTE, YOU CLIFFFHANGER YOU!)

THEN THE STARJAMMERS GET SWALLOWED BY THE BROOD/DEATHBIRD GIANT WHALEFISH SPACESHIP, SPECIFICALLY SO THEY CAN RESCUE XAVIER AND LILANDRA AND ESCAPE AND NO OTHER APPARENT REASON.

THE BROOD ARE FUCKING MORONS FOR NOT BLOWING UP THE GOD DAMN STARJAMMER SHIP WHEN THEY HAD A CHANCE, BUT IT'S JUST A FUCKING COMIC BOOK SO MAYBE I SHOULDN'T BE SO HARD ON THEM.

More standard space opera fare. A decent amount of action but nothing too significant happens. Everything is set up for next issue, where the X-Men will have to defeat the Brood and Deathbird in six hours or the evil Shi'ar rebel faction will kill the whole fucking Earth for some stupid reason or another (I skimmed this issue as well).

Besides a nifty double page spread of the living alien fish rocket ship that swallows the Starjammer, not a whole lot of awesomeness in this issue. Some more Cosair/Scott Summers origin crap and Xavier/Lilandra schmaltzy romance in the face of peril, but mostly ho-hum.

Only one more issue of this mini-space arc and then things start getting more interesting.

X-Men 155: First Blood? More like, WORST Blood, amirite?

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS SPACE ISSUE:

GUEST STARRING MARVEL UNIVERSE HAS-BEEN/NEVER WAS TIGRA, IN A COMPLETELY USELESS EDITORIALLY MANDATED APPEARANCE

THE X-TARDS ARE BEAMED INTO OUTER SPACE BECAUSE WHO DOESN'T HAVE A SPACE BEAMER THESE DAYS? GOD, GET WITH IT.

FIRST APPEARANCE OF BAD GUY ALIEN DEATHBIRD AND BAD GUY ALIENS THE BROOD. 2 THINGS: 1 DEATHBIRD IS A FUCKING SHITTY NAME, EVEN IF SHE IS BIRDLIKE AND LIKES TO MURDER, IT'S JUST FUCKING DUMB AND THERE'S NO WAY DEATHBIRD WOULD CALL HER SELF DEATHBIRD. I MEAN THINK ABOUT IT. JUST RETARDED. 2 IGNORING THE FACT THAT ALL THE ALIENS IN THIS COMIC BOOK SPEAK ENGLISH, THE BROOD HAVE NO FUCKING LIPS. THEY MAY BE KICK ASS VILLAINS IN NEARLY ALL OTHER RESPECTS BUT HOW CAN YOU TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY IF THEY SPEAK AMERICAN BUT ARE ALL TEETH AND FUCKING GUMS?

DEATHBIRD'S ROCKETSHIP IS A FLYING DILDO

SCOTT'S DAD HAS A SUPERB PORN STACHE

What the fuck is West Coast Avenger Tigra doing in this issue? The X-Men hardly ever even pay token acknowledgement to the fact that they exists in the greater Marvel Universe unless some major company crossover event forces them to or Claremont brings in some character he's concurrently writing in another book, so maybe CC is writing something with Tigra in it, I don't know. Either way she's fucking useless. And her power is boring and sucky and she looks like a circus freak.

Elsewhere in this ish, the X-Pieces are zapped onto a Shi'ar space ship and the whole plot is explained but I skimmed it so who fucking cares. The X-Men will fight bad guys and they will be IN SPACE!

It's also fun to see how Claremont deals with Kitty Pryde, who as a 13 year old girl with no offensive power, is pretty useless in battles. So for whatever reason here, Xavier blasts a bunch of space knowledge into her skull so she can be the 'brains' of the operation with Nightcrawler up in the space ship while the rest of the X-Men go back to Earth to fight Deathbird and the Brood (for reasons that are probably explained earlier in this issue).

I've already bitched about the villains enough, but I just want to reiterate how god damned ridiculous it looks when these creepy bug creatures with a ferocious set of nasty fangs and no lips talks with no discernible accent or difficulty.

And the last panel is a cliffhanger where it looks like Colossus is going to die. Of course he doesn't but to this issue's credit he does get fucked up pretty bad and has a spear through he bloody chest in the last panel. It's pretty gnarly, actually.

Hey I just though of something, a black Nightcrawler called Nigcrawler. Too much?

X-Men 154: Pee-ew! nion

Get it? Because this reunion totally stinks! haha

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

STORM AND CYCLOPS PLAY CALVIN BALL IN THE DANGER ROOM.

XAVIER LIKES TO LOOK ALL ADVENTURE-Y IN HIS INDIANA JONES HAT AND WHEELCHAIR. WHAT NO WHIP?

WOLVERINE DOES NOT LIKE HIS TENDER MOMENTS WITH MS MARVEL INTERRUPTED BY IMPUDENT GIRLS: "BLAST! WHAT IS IT, KITTY? THAT WAS THE WRONG WALL TA PHASE THROUGH AN' THE WRONG TIME TA DO IT." COCKBLOCKING INTANGIBLE WALL PHASING TEENAGER!!!

COSAIR THE STARJAMMER PASSES BY THE VOYAGER 2 SATELLITE, WHICH IS DUE TO ORBIT URANUS BY 1986, IN HIS SPACESHIP. OH NEAT, GREAT STORY, NERD!!!!!!

COSAIR CRASHES INTO THE X-MANSION AND REUNITE WITH HIS WIENER KID CYCLOPS. THEY FIGHT SOME ALIENS WITH STORM AND LEVEL THE X-MANSION (HAS THAT HAPPENED YET? BECAUSE IT SEEMS TO HAPPEN ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME).

Wow it's been a whole fuggin month but here I am again, blogging my nards off about the motherfucking X-Mens. This one's got some decent action and is about to ramp up the space opera. See, you'd think Cyclops being an orphan would make his back story simple. A shy, reserved loner, self reliant on account of growing up with no parents. AAHHHNN. WRONG. Cyclops' dad is actually the notorious space pirate Cosair, who was abducted by aliens along with his wife right after he pushed his two kids out the side the airplane he was flying that was about to crash. Cyclops' mom was brutally murdered but the dad escaped alien enslavement and rounded up some other random space aliens to form a motley crew of pirates known queerly as the Starjammers.

Anyway, not all that important right now. More just the part about Cyclops reuniting with his dad for the first time (well second time, but this time he's actually made aware that it's his dad) and we're about to spend a bunch of issues dicking around up in space with the X-Bags; favorite alien bird people, the Shi'ar. Fucking great.

You know I never really liked the whole space angle, at least when you involve Earth, because the nearest star is 500 light years away, and the nearest galaxy WAY further, which means that it's PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO INTERACT WITH ALIENS IN ANY MEANINGFUL WAY. But that's just the super dork in me. Also Cockrum's art still kind of blows.

So next issue: more spacemen and aliens and spacefights and all that silly space shit up in space.