X-Men 220: Unfinished Blumpkins

What we learn this issue besides that all Native Americans must be imbued with magical powers. 

LOOK AT THIS RUH-TARD.

ITS A METAPHOR

HEY WOLVERINE, WHERE'D YOU GET THAT HAT? AT THE JERK HAT STORE WHERE YOU ARE THEIR BEST CUSTOMER?

OH YOU TWO

I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN TO DALLAS BEFORE AND IT ACTUALLY SUCKS WIENERS

PUT SOME CLOTHES ON YOU SAVAGE

WISTFUL GAZING COMES NATURALLY WHEN YOU'RE STONED OFF YOUR GORD.

KEEP SMOKING WOLVERINE YOU ARE A ROLE MODEL FOR US ALL

This was not that sweet of an issue. Mostly a rehash of what happened last time Storm hung out at Forge's stupid Eagle Plaza in stupid fucking Dallas Texas.

But first there is some dream sequence thing were some eagles or hawks or whatever are fucking. Then one of the eagles turns into ROBO EAGLE and kills the mohawked eagle. VERY SUBTLE CLAREMONT.

Then Storm badgers Wolverine, who was last seen losing his god damn mind in the fucking woods, to come back and lead the the X-Men. Yeah that makes sense, lets get the insane berzerker with swords for hands to come lead a team of super heroes at their most vulnerable stage of existence. Storm does this because she wants to go hang out with her fuck buddy Forge, who she is still mad at for creating the gun that stripped her of her mutant powers. HEY STORM, FUCK ON YOUR OWN TIME, YOUVE GOT A SUPER HERO TEAM TO LEAD.

Seriously, nice timing you ovulating cow.

But Wolverine agrees to come back to the team anyway. So I guess he's fucking cured.

Then there's literally 6 pages of Storm walking through a hologram of events that took place 30 issues ago. I guess Claremont has to script everything again and Silvestri had to draw the pages new, but man, it sure did seem lazy. Like in Back to the Future II when Marty McFly witnesses scenes from the first movie. Hey, we already saw that shit, stop ripping us off you lazy creators.

The plot finally moves forward when the Red Indian Naze tells Storm  that Forge has gone crazy because she dumped him and the two of them need to team up and save him. But Storm is reluctant to help. Frankly she's being rather cunty about the whole thing. Here's some actual dialog to illustrate my point:

Storm: The devil take you old man!

Old Indian man with the old balls and loose skin: Can't take what's already owned. Reign up woman!

Storm: Go to hades!

Wow, what a potty mouth. Chill out fuckin Storm.

But just as Wolverine acquiesced to Storm's incessant hectoring, so too does Storm relent to the Old Man's bullshit.

BUT THE OLD MAN IS REALLY EVIL.STORM YOU DUMMY, IT'S A FUCKIN TRAP!

The as of yet unseen but forebodingly alluded to ADVERSARY is in possession of Naze, and is tricking Storm into helping him fuck up Forge, who is some Pussy Harry Potter-like wizard shaman guy.

Man, the Adversary, Mr Sinister (who has also been endlessly name dropped but not yet materialized) - looks like it's a bad guys with shitty names convention.

Anyway, kind of a lame issue, like a said, but now things are set up for some serious fighting. Fucking time to get down to biznass X-Men.

X-Men 219: Where Doody Lies

What we learn this issue beside people at the Hellfire Club just seem to enjoy hanging out in thier underwear.

FEAR BONERS

ANOTHER RAPE JOKE

THE FONT IS PROBABLY TOO SMALL

HAVOK WAKES UP, ONLY TO REALIZE......

 FOR THE RECORD I AGREE WITH HAVOK.

You know that dumb but catchy song, 'Moves like Jagger'? It's a much better song if during the chorus you substitute the lyrics for these:
   
     You've got nice boobs
     I'll have 'em
     You've got great boobs
     Now wag 'em
     You've some BOOooOOooobs
     Don't drag 'em

Much better, right?

A decent issue. There's a fill in artist. Brett Belvins, who I enjoy most of the time but he never made the leap to master level skill or recogniztion. As a fill in artist, he's also not as in sync with Claremont's style yet, and you end up with LOTS and LOTS of narration and dialog that explains exactly what all the characters are thinking and doing, like Claremont doesn't trust us to figure out exactly what he wants us to see in the drawings.

Anyway, for reasons that I guess can be chalked up to subtle mind manipulation but is probably just a plot hole or Havok being incomprehensibly retarded, Havok goes off on his own to find the X-Men because he had a bad dream about. He dreamt he got in a fight with them, and normally this trick would be a hackneyed cop out of trying to get heroes to fight each other used many times in comics, however, Havok does eventually find the X-men and does fight them when he finds them.

He also leaves his girlfriend, Polaris, home alone in New Mexico, where is promptly gets attacked by the murderous Marauders. After getting her ass beat up for a while she becomes possessed by the evil psychic entity Malice.

So now the sides have been set up. The all new all different X-Men vol 3 hav trickled in and now they are Wolveroonie, Sighlock, Rowg, Lawngshawd, Bedazzler and now Havok, led by the Mohogged Stormy. Their enemies are the possessed Lorna Dane, aka Malice and the rest of the Marauders. Magneto is a good guy and allies with the Hellfire Club.

Great, looks like its a real fucking comic book we got going. But shit it is late and this entry sucked but I'm goign to go to bed anyway.

X-Men 218: Charged for the Lemonade!

What we learned this issue besides that the people of Edinburgh are tough and sturdy just like their poops.

HEY IS THAT A YOUNG JOSH BROLIN STARRING IN THIS ISSUE OF THE ALL LEZY EX-MEN?

 OH NO THAT JUST FROM HIS ADD FOR 1986 "LEGENDARY" SKATER DRAMA THRASHIN'.

NICE HOUSE, LOSERS.

EVERY TIME DAZZLER TRIED TO NAP UNDER A GIANT MOUND OF BOULDERS SOME STUPID PINK BUTTERFLY HAS TO COME AND DISTURB HER PEACEFUL SLUMBER.

AS RENTON WOULD SAY: IT'S SHITE BEING SCOTTISH.

JUGGS'N'NUTS HATES FUCKING TRUCKS.

 READY TO CRASH AND BURN, I'LL NEVER LEARN.

I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT JUGGLEMYNUTS IS ONE FAT FUCK.

THE EX-MEN ARE TEH WINNARS!

Now we're into what is probably my favoritest X-Humans ever. Marc Silvestri is going to rock it out with the superb craftsmanship of an artistic maestro. He's the perfect penciller for the era, as Claremont weaves more mature themes (like all those Morlock's getting executed, for example) but still has plenty off soapy drama and a dash of slapstick. What I'm saying is I would fellate these comics with no hesitation.

We start by checking in on Havok and Polaris, two wayward characters (and lovers) who haven't been used much since the start of Claremont's run like 10 years ago or some such number. They almost crash their stupid jeep but are fine. It's Dazzler who is really fucking, having passed out and then buried alive by Juggernaut somewhere int he middle of nowhere fuckin Scotland.

The X-Men, or what passes for the fuggin Egssmen these days, rescues her, are able to save her, and then immediately head over to Edinburgh to stop the Juggernaut, who is fucking that place up real nice.

Juggs doesn't care much for fighting the three lady X-Men and Longshot, the hunky humanoid alien from another dimension (long story), but they fight anyway. And after destroying a bunch of building, some cars and some train tracks, the X-Menstrations prevail, and Jugsman is hauled off to jail. BUT IT WAS ALL A CLEVER RUSE to distract any super people from Black Tom, Jugg's pal, who was busy plundering the Bank of Scotland.

WAY TO GO, X-LOSERS.

Oh well, build a bridge and get over it X-Ladies. There's plenty more super heroing to do. Especially because Lorna Dane (haha thats really her name) and Alex Summers have discovered a Space Shark filled with killer aliens! Shit!

X-Men Annual 10: Poor Fart Pants

What we learnt this issue beside hey look there's a family of frog royalty speaking English because why thee fuck not?

This was on of the first X-Pals comic books I ever bought (from the dearly departed Union Flea Market) and also one of my favorites.

Cool story right? The end.

Ok so also it officially introduces Mojo and Longshot to the X-Manos. I would try to explain what the fuck Longshot and Mojo are but it would take fuckin forever so jut go look it up if you're curious. It was a weird time for the X-Men and this is the acme of it's weirdness. The quintessence if you will.

What makes Mojo great is how Claremont uses him as a mouth piece for meta commentary about the X-Men franchise. Despite being a fat, globulous pile of spineless shit, Mojo is basically the OG hipster when it comes to meta.

This issue also had the first appearance of the X-babies, a stupid gimmick but always used for ironical purposes, so it's ok, and featured the artwork of international hall of famer Arthur Adams. Art Adams is fucking great.

Also I hate fucking sports and need to go watch more sports teams lose because thats what being a sports fan is. An unending parade of self inflicted toture and misery. Unless you're an asshole Yankee fan of course.  So yeah, enough blogging, more sado-masochistic television viewing.GOD DAMN IT COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS DUMB.

X-Men 217: Molly's Gungepit

What we learn this issue other than that Walt Simonson draw's a really fucking large Juggernaut

WHAT DOES DAZZLER COME UP HIS KNEES THERE?

YOU'LL CATCH YOUR DEATH OUT THERE YOU PURPLE HAIRED NUMBSKULL!

BANSHEE'S HOLDIN.

MUTANT BREAKFAST OF FUGGIN CHAMPIONS.

ROGUE DOESN'T CARE FOR FUGGUN BREGFIZD.

I WISH I WERE AT A TIDDY BAR.

JUGGER'S BLUE BALLS.

All this issue's biznass takes place on fictional Muir Island, where the JV squad is training and chillin out, or in real live Ullapool, where Dazzler goes to blow off some steam. Both locations are in the bumfuck region of the Scottish Highlands, a place where men where skirts and women are fucked only if there are no sheep handy.

The first half is all about the junior squad of Dazzler, Psylocke, Rogue and Longshot getting to know each other and training. Shit, I just realized I need to cover X-Men Annual 10, for the introduction of Longshot to the team. He just sort of plops into the X-Mansion from another dimension, escaping from an obese spineless super villain tv executive named Mojo. It was a weird fucking time period for the X-Men back then.

Nothing all that interesting happens until Dazzler get's all huffy puffy and frigs off on a boat to some shitty fishing village and dances at some bar, where they don't charge for food or drinks but instead ask for donations (great business model!) She has a great time and is about to bone some bald, mustached dork in a kilt before running into Juggernaut. I don't know why Juggernaut is there but I bet it has to do with that asshole Black Tom Cassidy, who is not black, but Irish, FYI.

It's pretty hard to believe that Juggernuts just happens to run into Dazzlur in the middle of fucking NOWHERE, but whatever, its a fucking comic book. So those two fight and Dazzlar gets her butt kicked and passes out from exhaustion trying to stop the unstoppable Juggynuds.

Jackson Guice guest pencils again, this time with Steve Leiahola inking instead of the regular Dan Green, and it's fine. Marc Silvestri, who is awesome, will come on as the regular artist soon. In the meantime we're still in a long stretch of fill-in guys. I get the feeling these were just friends that Claremont and co wanted to give an issue to so they could share in the huge incentive checks the X-men were generating, now that they were the undisputed sales kings.

This was a very typical and enjoyable X-Men issue for the time, lots of soapy drama and some random excuse for a fight scene or two. And holy shit does Claremont pack in the dialogue bubbles and narrator boxes. Probably more exposition than necessary but at least you're getting your money's worth when you "read" these issues.

OK, two entries in one day is more than my usual quota. What a torrid, break neck I am on. I may finish in the next decade yet!

X-Men 216: Cushy Balls

What we learned this issue besides that there are no dumb bells here there are just my balls.

WOW THIS JUST MAY BE THE SEXIEST ISSUE OF THE SUPER SEXY SEX-MEN EVER!

STORM AND THE ANAL COMMANDER HAVE SOME NICE MOVES.

IT'S LIKE THAT SCENE IN ROBIN HOOD WHEN LITTLE JOHN FALLS IN THE STREAM. JUST STAND UP YOU BIG DUMMY!

LESS ENGINES MORE SEXINS!

ISN'T WOLVERINE SUPPOSED TO HAVE SOME MUTANT POWERS THAT ALERT HIM TO WHEN A GIANT FUCKING TRUCK IS HEADING RIGHT AT HIM?

WALTER WHITE IS FUCKING METAL.

THIS YOUNG LADY IS A REAL POET WHEN IT COMES TO METAPHORS.

THERE IS SEX GOING ON IN LIKE EVER PANEL OF THIS COMIC BOOK!

INCUBUS DID A SONG ABOUT THIS BACK WHEN THEY WEREN'T TERRIBLE.

REALLY THE FUCKING JUST DOES NOT STOP.

Man I did a lot of those relettered panels today. No wonder this shit takes so fucking long to get through. 

So Storm is out in the woods with some drug dealing little slit, being hunted by 3 old super powered jagovs. Wolverine can't help though, because he has completely lost his god damn mind. Storm thinks about killing the geezers, but doesn't, even though they want to kill her, and the stupid girl. Improbably she ends up beating them all in a fight and convincing them she will kill them if they don't turn themselves into the police, which they do. 

But also the old man in the red suit kills the slut with a knife. And Wolverine just stands around like an asshole and does nothing. 

Oh and there really isn't any sex in the issue at all. I just made all that stuff up.

You can see Claremont dealing with the whole established Marvel Universe Super Hero code of conduct. Now that it's the bad ass 80's, comic villains are running around murdering the ever living fuck out of everyone, but all the heroes still have to pretend that killing is wrong, always, no matter what. So Claremont is dealing with the medium maturing (relatively speaking, they're still all fighting crime in spandex, after all), and also Storm and Wolverine are dealing with whether they should be murdering more or not.

It's a pretty nifty comic in that respect. The 3 old geezers sound ridiculous, WWII vets who become disillusioned with the world and all the crime and decide to go all Charles Bronson on the scum of the earth, but also fascinating in a way that only works because its a comic book. It may be a little much to pack into the two issues, though, especially when the drug dealing girl is such an absurd characterture. I don't need The Wire level of humanization but besides turning young children into coke heads, she is also a deranged psychopath her murders people for no reason. I knew some people who sold coke, they weren't homicidal maniacs. Not all of them anyway.

Plus the bloviating between Wolverine and Storm (especially Storm) about whether it's OK to murder or not gets old fast. Less braying, more slaying, hot dig it. 

Anyway, Storm and Wolverine dispatch these turkeys and drive off in a truck together, for super sexy sex times one can only assume. Meanwhile Rogue and the cripples are still in Muir Island convalescing as the team slowly disintegrates. 

Next Week: The Juggerballs is back!

X-Men 215: Old Soldier's Balls

What we learn this issue besides that Storm just stood there and stared, at his big, beautiful, hairy balls just floppin around holy jeez she wanted to lick em.  

OH BOY, MORE ASSHOLES FOR THE SUCKFEST.

LOOK AT THE COLORS ON THAT COVER. IT IS TRULY HIDEOUS.

IN CASE ANYONE WAS UNCLEAR ABOUT CLAREMONT'S INTENTIONS ON USING MADELYN PRYOR AS BACK-DOOR REINCARNATION OF JEAN GREY BEFORE HIS LONG TERM PLANS GOT HIJACKED BY EDITORS.

FOR THE RECORD, WOLVERINE'S BALLS ARE JUST FINE.

OH THESE TWO.

HEY ASSHOLES, HERE ARE SOME MORE ASSHOLES FOR YOUR BIG SUCKFEST TONIGHT.

Storm never should have booked at a room at the International Inn when the big suckfest was going on with all those assholes. Man that's the best part of Reno 911: Miami.

More transitioning this issue, as stuck-as-an-intangible-ghost Kitty Pryde, fucked-the-fuck-up Nightcrawler and stuck-in-metal-form and paralyzed Colossus fly off to Muir Island with Rogue, Dazzler, this fuckin new guy Longshot, and Callisto. So long assholes.

That just leaves Wolverine and shitty, depowered Storm. Wolverine freaks out because he smells Jean Grey, who was ret-conned back to life and is being very slowly reintroduced to X-Bags. She doesn't appear in this comic though. Just her scent. Wolverine is like Multiple Migs from Silence of the Lambs that way. As agent Starling recalled, he can smell her cunt. QUID PRO QUO DOCTOR LECTER.

Wolverine flips out so hard he punches Storm and knocks her old cold (yeah I don't know why either). When Storm wakes up she finds she has been kidnapped by some lunatics who thinks she is a thief and an arson. To punish this criminal, these geezers propose Storm runs into the woods so they can hunt her down and execute her. The crusty old bastards are WWII vets you see, and have super powers, and they are pissed off that the US government told them to retire after WWII ended. So now they murder drug dealers and such.

FUCKING COOL, RIGHT? I wish I was one of these fucked up, geriatric super jerks.

There's a brief fight before they cut Storm and some other random bitch loose for the hunt, but that'll have to wait for next issue. Not an action packed issue but pretty good nonetheless. And Alan Davis' art is excellent.

NEXT ISSUE: NATURE'S DEADLIEST GAME: BONERS.

X-Men 214: Big Phallus For All!

What we learn this issue besides that Dazzler has nice... bewbs....

SO HEY HOW ARE ALL THE X-MEN WHO GOT FUCKED UP IN THE MUTANT MASSACRE AND ARE NEAR DEATH DOING? ANY UPDATES FROM THE DOCTORS ON - AW FUCK IT LETS JUST GO SEE A RUSH COVER BAND!

 I THOUGHT GEDDY LEE WAS A WOMAN FOR LIKE, 10 YEARS.

DAZZLER IS TRIPPING BALLS.

 LISTEN UP PEOPLE, DON'T TAKE THE PURPLE ACID; YOU'LL HAVE TO GET DOWN OFF THEM TOWERS.

OK SO WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT KITTY PRYDE AND THE REST OF THE WALKING CORPSES, WANTS TO SEE THIS SWEET NEW VIDEO I JUST DOWNLOADED?

THE X-BAGS ARE IN DALLAS AGAIN. I FUCKING HATE DALLAS. GO G-MEN DIE COWGIRLS! 

AN IMAGE SO NICE BARRY WINDSOR-SMITH DREW IT TWICE!

THIS IS A REALLY GOOD REPORTER.

PEOPLE ARE BURNING TO DEATH ALL AROUND HIM AND HE'S STILL ABLE TO CALMLY DESCRIBE HIS BIG BEAUTIFUL BALLS. NOW THAT IS A PRO.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS GOING TO LOOK RIGHT BUT I MS PAINTED SOME PROJECTILE VOMITER'S FACE ON WOLVERINE'S. I WANTED IT TO LOOK LIKE HE BARFED ALL OVER STORM'S BEWBS.

SUPPOSED I COULD CLICK THE PREVIEW BUTTON, BUT FUCK THAT SHIT. I OPERATE WITHOUT A NET!

I learned from the googalator that this cover was penciled by Art Adams and inked by Barry Windsor-Smith. Cool. BWS also did all the interior art. BWS fucking owns. I just wish he had actually drawn a panel of Wolverine puking all over Storm's chest.

FUCK! I just realized I spelled 'CHESTY' wrong on the cover. What the fuck does THE CHEASTY X-MEN mean? GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.

Anyway, the Mutant Massacre is over and Colossus, Kitty Pryde and Nightcrawler are too fucked up to fight for the X-Men anymore. So they are replaced by Psylocke and Dazzler, two female mutants from various corners of the Marvel Universe. And because all the original X-Barfs are in the comic book X-Factor, that means it's a real estrogen party at the X-Mansion. Hey did they open up a tuna factory next door or something?

HAHA because their mutant vaginas smell like fish!

Even Calisto, the manish female leader of the now mostly dead Morlocks is hanging around. Wolvie is the lone dude, but he's got enough cock and balls for everyone. You gotta stroke his schlong or at least bite his nut.

Anywho, the evil spirit Malice has possessed Dazzler, who is currently hiding out from the public as the keyboardist for Lila Cheney, another hawty pop star secret mutant. What's next, Miley Cyrus the Space Alien??? Hrmm... uh no. And then they Estrogen-Men fight each other as Malice goes around possessing them all until she (Malice, the discorporeal evil spirit, is also a female mutant, which is determined by I have no idea) tries to seize control of Storm, she of the indomitable will of an African Goddess. Storm beats Malice off and the issue ends with a girl power hug + wolverine. BUT WAIT, Malice is not vanquished, but now inhabiting the body of some mustached SWAT team douche. Oh big shit, he's just some asshole with a gun. YAWN.

Storm's willpower has been used as a mutant ex machina before, most notably with the Space Whales from the first Brood story. Remember the Space Whales? Sure you do. Also in the Doctor Doom/Arcade issues and more recently in the Life-Death issues. STORM HAS THE STRENGTH OF A BEAR. THAT HAS THE STRENGTH OF SIX BEARS!

Next: I think i need to do an annual or something.