X-Men 214: Big Phallus For All!

What we learn this issue besides that Dazzler has nice... bewbs....

SO HEY HOW ARE ALL THE X-MEN WHO GOT FUCKED UP IN THE MUTANT MASSACRE AND ARE NEAR DEATH DOING? ANY UPDATES FROM THE DOCTORS ON - AW FUCK IT LETS JUST GO SEE A RUSH COVER BAND!

 I THOUGHT GEDDY LEE WAS A WOMAN FOR LIKE, 10 YEARS.

DAZZLER IS TRIPPING BALLS.

 LISTEN UP PEOPLE, DON'T TAKE THE PURPLE ACID; YOU'LL HAVE TO GET DOWN OFF THEM TOWERS.

OK SO WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT KITTY PRYDE AND THE REST OF THE WALKING CORPSES, WANTS TO SEE THIS SWEET NEW VIDEO I JUST DOWNLOADED?

THE X-BAGS ARE IN DALLAS AGAIN. I FUCKING HATE DALLAS. GO G-MEN DIE COWGIRLS! 

AN IMAGE SO NICE BARRY WINDSOR-SMITH DREW IT TWICE!

THIS IS A REALLY GOOD REPORTER.

PEOPLE ARE BURNING TO DEATH ALL AROUND HIM AND HE'S STILL ABLE TO CALMLY DESCRIBE HIS BIG BEAUTIFUL BALLS. NOW THAT IS A PRO.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS GOING TO LOOK RIGHT BUT I MS PAINTED SOME PROJECTILE VOMITER'S FACE ON WOLVERINE'S. I WANTED IT TO LOOK LIKE HE BARFED ALL OVER STORM'S BEWBS.

SUPPOSED I COULD CLICK THE PREVIEW BUTTON, BUT FUCK THAT SHIT. I OPERATE WITHOUT A NET!

I learned from the googalator that this cover was penciled by Art Adams and inked by Barry Windsor-Smith. Cool. BWS also did all the interior art. BWS fucking owns. I just wish he had actually drawn a panel of Wolverine puking all over Storm's chest.

FUCK! I just realized I spelled 'CHESTY' wrong on the cover. What the fuck does THE CHEASTY X-MEN mean? GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.

Anyway, the Mutant Massacre is over and Colossus, Kitty Pryde and Nightcrawler are too fucked up to fight for the X-Men anymore. So they are replaced by Psylocke and Dazzler, two female mutants from various corners of the Marvel Universe. And because all the original X-Barfs are in the comic book X-Factor, that means it's a real estrogen party at the X-Mansion. Hey did they open up a tuna factory next door or something?

HAHA because their mutant vaginas smell like fish!

Even Calisto, the manish female leader of the now mostly dead Morlocks is hanging around. Wolvie is the lone dude, but he's got enough cock and balls for everyone. You gotta stroke his schlong or at least bite his nut.

Anywho, the evil spirit Malice has possessed Dazzler, who is currently hiding out from the public as the keyboardist for Lila Cheney, another hawty pop star secret mutant. What's next, Miley Cyrus the Space Alien??? Hrmm... uh no. And then they Estrogen-Men fight each other as Malice goes around possessing them all until she (Malice, the discorporeal evil spirit, is also a female mutant, which is determined by I have no idea) tries to seize control of Storm, she of the indomitable will of an African Goddess. Storm beats Malice off and the issue ends with a girl power hug + wolverine. BUT WAIT, Malice is not vanquished, but now inhabiting the body of some mustached SWAT team douche. Oh big shit, he's just some asshole with a gun. YAWN.

Storm's willpower has been used as a mutant ex machina before, most notably with the Space Whales from the first Brood story. Remember the Space Whales? Sure you do. Also in the Doctor Doom/Arcade issues and more recently in the Life-Death issues. STORM HAS THE STRENGTH OF A BEAR. THAT HAS THE STRENGTH OF SIX BEARS!

Next: I think i need to do an annual or something.