Saturday, April 30, 2011

X-Men 191: RAPERS! of the Long Tentpole!

KULAN GATH IS THE MASTER OF THE DARK RUNES. SO WHO MASTERS THE LIGHT RUNES? JUST GET HIM TO GO KICK THIS TWAT'S ASS.

KULAN GATH IS STILL A ROTTEN FUCKER. HE'S KILLING AND TORTURING THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE.

THE HELPFUL ARCHIVIST SAYS: "KULAN GATH WAS AN APPRENTICE TO THE LORD OF THE BLACK RING, THE ARCHMAGE, THOTH-AMON. BUT HE WAS FORCED TO FLEE STYGIA AFTER BEING CAUGHT PRACTICING MAGIKS THAT EVEN THE SONS OF SET CONSIDER ABOMINABLE." THANKS FOR THAT YOU HELPFUL FUCKING ARCHIVIST!

VISION, THE ROWBIT AVENGER, TOTALLY EXPLODES COLOSSUS TO PIECES!

A BUNCH OF OTHER X-MEN AND AVENGERS DIE IN CONAN WORLD.

ALSO FUCKIN SPIDER-MAN IS JESUS CHRIST!
DOC FUCKIN STRANGE SHOWS UP TO TAKE EVERYONE TO HIS STANKUM STANKONIA DURING A TEMPORALSPATIAL CLAUDICATION. OH STEPHEN, YOU NUT.

This whole conan two-parter is basically an oversized What if...? issue, because everything gets put right back to normal at the end and there are no consequences to what happened and just about everyone but a couple of superheroes don't remember anything. Which is cool because you can kill all sorts of people and it's no big deal, but it's also lame because who cares what happens and what is this, some fuckin sitcom?

Although because of all the fucking with the spacetime continuum and what not, some fucking pink rowbit named Nimrod shows up at the very end (no really!) saves the longshoreman from dying and the amulet from being used and Kulan Gath and the whole spell, BUT, this rowbit is super powerful and loves killing mutants. Man that's dicked up.

Also look at this, a woman with no mouth and tentacles for arms. I don't know if this is from japanese porno cartoons or what but this won't be the last time Claremont pulls this weird shit out.
Illyana Rasputin pretty much saves the day. Selene was being evil the whole time (der) and Magik's magiks fucks her shit up. Her magik sword is made of fuck so it will shit and you can taste it. Uh, what?
Ripping off Star Wars is no big deal but this is pretty blatant. Hey, how do we get around these guards? Well I saw this shit work in a movie, let's try that! OK, great job, high fives for friends!
OK, no more conans, let's see whats next!

X-Men 190: A Face Uncreamed on

What we learn this issue besides what's best in life is to crush your enemies, see them driven before you... and hear the lamentation of their women.

IT'S SWORDS AND SORCERY AND SORE ASSES WITH THE WHOLE FUGGIN MARVEL UNIVERSE.

BUT ARMY MEN STILL KEEP SHEA STADIUM SAFE. RESPECT.

A NECKLACE HAS TURNED ALL OF MANHATTAN INTO THE STONE AGE AND ALL THE HEROES INTO WACK CONANS. BEHOLD:

VALARIE COOPER IMPLORES OLD RACIST WHITE ARMY MEN TO TRUST THE MUTANTS SO SOLVE THE PROBLEM, BUT THE OLD RACIST WHITE ARMY GUYS DON'T LIKE MUTANTS BECAUSE THEY ARE RACISTS! DUH!

KULAN GATH IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE!

KULAN GATH TRUNS PROFESSOR XAVIER AND CALIBAN INTO SOME DISGUSTING LUMPY KUATO LIKE THING FROM TOTAL RECALL. SICK!

CALISTO AND STORM HAVE A BIKINI FIGHT ON A PIRATE SHIP

HEY LOOK IT'S FUCKIN SPIDER-MAN. FUCK YOU SPIDER-MAN!

SELENE IS BACK AND IS GOOD NOW. OR STILL SORT OF BAD. THEN KULAN GATH'S BIG FAT MYSTICAL HEAD EATS HER. THEN THE HEROES GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER.

Remember that thooper dooper magic necklace our favorite dead Watchman owning longshoreman found in the fish? Well it unleashed Kulan Gath and he turned all of Manhattan and all the Marvel super heroes on it (except fuggin Spider-pants) into a bunch of god damn conan the barbarians. So now all these conans are running around getting into sword fights and speaking in conan talk.

Enough with the barbarianisms already you stupid conans!

Selene also sluts around with Amara and Rachel some more. I think she has them under her thrall still. Or something.

Doing some Innerweb rezerch, it turns out this whole Kulan Gath amulet and the Hyborian Age stuff comes from Claremont and Byrne's run on Marvel Team-Up, where friggin Spider's Man did the same thing. So now it's the X-Bags.

Whatever, it's fun but kind of pointless with regards to the long running storylines and shit. It concludes next issue and then is pretty much never heard from again. Although maybe it is, look it up if you're so fucking curious.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

X-Men 189 Two Girls out to Wang Chung

What we learn this issue besides that Cindi Lauper was very popular while this issue was on the stands.

THE STATUE OF LIBERTY IS ALSO BEING RESTORED WHEN THIS ISSUE WAS SITTING ON SPINNER RACKS. SO GOOD FOR YOU, YOU FUCKIN STATUE.

CHRIS CLAREMONT LOVES PUTTING HIS FEMALES IN FETISH COSTUMES. DON’T BELIEVE ME? JUST WAIT.

IN SOME SPOOKY PRESCIENCE, RACHEL SUMMERS FLASHFORWARDS TO A TIME WHEN THE TWIN TOWERS COLLAPSED, KILLING THOUSANDS. LOOK, THIS WILL GIVE YOU THE HEEBY JEEBIES:

STORM FUCKS OFF BACK TO AFRICA DAVE CHAPELLE STYLE.

FANCY LONGSHOREMAN STILL HAS HIS FABULOUS NECKLACE!!! BUT THEN HE IS MURDERED. NOT SO FABULOUS!!!

RACHEL SUMMERS LIKES TO LAUGH AT OTHER PEOPLE’S BEDROOM KINKS. WELL EXCUSE ME FOR USING A VACUUM CLEANER IN THAT WAY MS MORAL MAJORITY. I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO’S DONE THIS YOU KNOW.

MEGA BAD ASS SEBASTIAN SHAW PRETTY MUCH JUST SITS AROUND LIKE A MEGA BITCH. BAD BITCH SELENE ALSO GETS TAKEN DOWN (OFF PANEL!) LIKE A MEGA ZILTCH. LAME!

BUT SERIOUSLY, LOOK AT THESE FUCKING OUTFITS:


A pretty solid, if silly, one and done issue. The magic necklace sets up the next issue but no sign of any other subplots, like Magnadoodle’s reappearance in the Bermuda Triangle that we saw last issue.

What is nice is Claremont, and most of the rest of the Marvel Universe, kept better track of their characters during these era. So Kitty Pryde and Wolverine aren’t in this issue at all because they’re busy having adventures in Japan. This is in direct contrast to the current system employed, where Wolverine stars in about 10 fucking comic books at once.

It’s also nice to see the always excellent Steve Leialoha’s inks on JRJR’s pencils. The difference between the also awesome and regular inker, Dan Green, is striking, but both bring unique styles that yield equally pleasing results. Leialoha has a cleaner, more angular aesthetic compared to Green’s messy, frenetic stylings. You can see Leialoha killing monthly in the excellent Fables comic, written by Bill Willingham and penciled by Mark Buckingham. Man, that’s a lot of fucking hams.

The main protagonists are two B teamers, the aforementioned whiny Jean Grey offspring from the future, Rachel Ratail Summers, and the previously unseen (in the pages of X-Mans) Amara Aquilla, AKA Magma, a descendant of ancient Rome who had been living in an ancient Roman style enclave in the Amazon, undetected for over two thousand millennia by modern civilization. Sure, why not? It’s fuckin comics, ain’t it?

Rachel has a flasback to the future where she is dressed up in a spike studded full leather body suit and leashed to a master. Nice. Then the two of them end up in the Hellfire club, disguised as frenchmaids. Sweet. Then they fuck shit up with Selene and Sebastian Shaw. Shaw just hangs around with his thumb up his kinetic energy absorbing ass, while Selene runs rampage all over the god damn place. Then Nightcrawler shows up and teleports Selene out of the room. Then Xavier says that he neck pinched her into submission (which we don’t see) and that’s the last she’ll be bothering anyone. Which is a totally the gayest resolution ever.

Next issue, shit gets fucking weird. Barbarically weird.

Oh and I’d like to point out that when the magic necklace discovering longshoreman is waiting to be murdered in the subway he is holding a cutting edge for the time Sony Watchman. Plugging something like a iPad into a comic these days would be passe but this is before the internet. Literally. Someone had to copy an ad or use an actual Sony Watchman as a reference to draw one. Now, because we live in the greatest age of civilization, I can Google “Sony Watchman” and see pictures in seconds, then look it up on Wikipedia and learn shit like how this device was released in Japan in 1982, but was not released in America until two years later, a year after this comic came out (1983)! The Internet is some cool shit, isn’t it?!

Monday, April 25, 2011

X-Men 188 Legs, Ass and the Lumps

What we learn this issues besides that all the X-Men magics are gatherings.

NEW GUY FORGE IS MAGICAL BECAUSE HE IS A NATIVE AMERICAN. HE IS ALSO A ONE LEGGED CYBORG WITH A PORN-STACHE. COOL GUYS THESE X-MEN JV PLAYERS.

NIGHTCRAWLER’S GIRLFRIEND AND STEP SISTER (EW), AMANDA SEFTON, IS MAGICIAL BECAUSE SHE IS A GYPSY. THAT IS RACIST. THE PC TERM IS ROMANI, DISGUSTING, FLEA BITTEN, SCUM SUCKING, ROMANI.

ILLYANA RASPUTIN, COLOSSUS’ KID SISTER, IS MAGICAL BECAUSE SHE WAS ABDUCTED BY DEMONS AT THE AGE OF SEVEN AND APPRENTICE-RAPED FOR SIX YEARS IN THE HELLISH LIMBO DIMENSION. WELL AT LEAST YOU GOT A DOPE ASS SOUL SWORD OUT OF IT. SOME OF US DIDN’T GET EVEN THAT.

RACHEL SUMMERS OFFICIALLY JOINS THE X-BUMS. BOO.

OH YEAH, AND LEE FORRESTER AND HER SWARTHY COMPANION, PAOLO, FISH A SEMI-COMATOSE MAGNETBALLS OUT OF THE FUGGIN OCEAN. WE MISSED YOU MAGGSIEDOODLE.

There are three parts to this tale of X-Humps. The first is mopping up the Dire Wrapes of Wrath left in 555 Eagle Plaza, home of Forge, the creepy mutant cyborg molester, I mean inventor. Because the Dyer Rathes are magical space aliens, all the X-Men supporting cast members with any magical abilities are called up off the bench and thrown into the fray. Nothing happens to any of them and it turns out all they had to do was kill the one bad guy on the roof that Storm forgot about. So Forge shoots it. With a gun. A very unmagical gun.

And Naze, who I don’t think ever got possessed or Dire Wraithafied but I didn't read it that closely so I'm not positive, overdosed on magic and was killed by some unnamed God like evil being that isn’t brought up again for the rest of the issue. So he's dead.

Wedged in between the two main storylines is an interlude in the Bermuda Triangle were Lee Forrester, famous fisherwoman and Cyclops’ sperm receptacle, rescues Magneto from being eaten by a great white shark. Her Mediterranean first mate, Paolo, may or may not be poking her.

Anyway, Magnus of Magnetown is back. Can’t wait.

Then there’s some boring whiney shit where Rachel Summers cries and tells everyone how shitty it is in the future, where the X-Manse is blowed up, Xavier is shot to pieces and the rest of the X-Men who aren’t killed get rounded up into concentration camps. It’s cool to see X-Men slaughtered and the Days of Future Past is a dope storyline, but this shit drags. Not to mention the irreparable damage this whole thing does to the continuity.
(That should read "YOU'RE so old and dead and bald" - Oops).

And then there bullshit with fucking Nightcawler growing a vagina. Oh boo hoo, the humans are so mean, I don't want to be an X-Man anymore.

Man, shut the fuck up, grow some furry blue balls and get to superheroing already. Bitch.

Next issue, a longshoreman finds some pretty jewelry. In a fish. And the jewelry is FABULOUS!



X-Men 187 Wrapekill

What we learn in this issue besides wraping and killing and wrhyming and stealing.

THE X-OVER WITH ROM THE STERLING SPACEBOT CONTINUES, EVEN THOUGH ROM DOESN’T ACTUALLY SHOW UP EVER.

THE DISGUSTING MYSTICAL “YUCKOS” THE DIRE WRAITHS SHOW UP THOUGH. THOSE DIRTY FUCKERS ARE E’ERWHERE.

LUCKILY, DEPOWERED STORM CAN STILL FEND FOR HERSELF WITH HER EXPERT GUN SKILLS, WHICH WOLVERINE SEXILY TAUGHT HER.

NAZE IS FORGE MENTOR AND A MAGICAL NATIVE AMERICAN (IS THERE ANY OTHER KIND?) WHO ALSO WANTS TO GET UP IN STORM’S GUTS.

STORM’S MIND IS UNDER MAGICAL ASSUALT. LETS LISTEN TO CLAREMONT DESCRIBE THE EXPERIENCE: “WITHOUT WARNING, ORORO’S MIND IS CRUSHED UNDER AN AVALANCHE OF THOUGHTS NOT HER OWN. SHE IS NO LONGER ORORO - OR EVEN AN INDIVIDUAL - BUT AN AMALGAM OF HERSELF, FORGE, NAZE, WRAITH... AND ONE OTHER IS NEITHER HUMAN NOR ALIEN, BOTH ALIVE AND DEAD, POSSESSING THE DIVINITY OF A GOD AND THE CRUEL HUMOR OF THE DEVIL.”

HOLY SHIT THAT OTHER PERSON SOUNDS PRETTY TERRIFYING. I HOPE THE X-BAGS ARE READY FOR THAT FIGHT, WHICH WILL HAPPEN IN LIKE 50 ISSUES AND 4 REAL LIFE YEARS FROM NOW. FUCKING CLAREMONT YOU COCKTEASE.

ROM’S FEMALE ROWBIT FRIEND IS CALLED STARSHINE. UGH.

THEN THE X-MEN WIN BUT THEN THEY DON’T. SO IT LOOKS LIKE THEY ARE TOTALLY FUCKED NOW!

ACTUALLY THAT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF JOHNNY RYANS EXCELLENT BUT TOTALLY FUCKED UP “PRISON PIT”.

Kind of cool that this issue’s splash panel is the same action as the last panel of last issue. Action picks up with Storm walking about of 355 Eagle Plaza in the middle of a rainstorm, WHICH SHE CAN NO LONGER CONTROL. Which makes for Delicious irony and rad wet t-shirt possibilities.

Rogue and Colossus show up, I forget how they know to do that but there they are. Mostly a bunch off action in this issue, plus some future mystical shit with Forge and his soon to be dead mentor (SPOILER ALERT) Naze that doesn’t get totally resolved until the Fall of the Mutants storyline many issues later. Also these pictures took to long so I’m just going to stop now. More magic is the gathering next issue though. Better tap that inner manna X-Wads!


Thursday, April 21, 2011

Hey what do you know about X-Men costumes or anything?

I know what you're thinking. Hey, asshole, any asshole can go read through Claremont's X-Mens and make asshole comments about them on some asshole blog. What makes YOU such a bona fide X-Manholic? How do WE know you're not just some asshole who is full of shit like some shitty asshole?

Well I'll tell you, you think some really lame thoughts, but irregardlessable, just to prove my impeccable credentials, I'm going to take a break from sequentially reading and writing about my comics and paste a bunch off variant covers that Marvel is producing that I've culled from the web. Why? Because I have too much free time. But also because each variant cover (13 of them) has between 4 and 5 drawings of one particular X-Manne in various costumes worn over the years. My job will be to assholishly describe where and when each X-Men wore each costume, thus proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that I've spent a dick ton of time consuming the Marvel X-verse, as only a true fan of the characters would. And I will do all of this without looking up a single thing on the innernebs or wikipeepeeduh

THE PROOF IS IN THE MOTHEFUCKING PUDDING BABY.

Oh nice, Wolveroonie up first. The first costume is from Wolvie's first appearance, when he bitch slapped the Hulk. His mask got a slight revamp (for the better) in his next appearance in Giant Size X-Bags 1, due to some artistic mistake that ended up sticking (look it up on the Internet you don't believe me). Then John Byrne decided it was fucking dumb for a stelthy animalistic hunter tracker to wear a bright yellow costume with blue highlights so he gave a brown and orange (?) costume and an enormous red belt. This stuck for a while until the X-Men when up into the united states of space around th end of Claremont's run and Jim Lee, who always preferred the yellow and blue, put him in a replica of the original X-Man costume from the 60's (throwback jersey?). Then John Cassiday gave the yellow and blue another makeover for his Astonishing X-men run with Joss (Buddy the Van Tire Changer) Whedon, which is basically the same thing as the very first costume but with more tiny lines.

Winner: Byrne's brown and orange. Practical color scheme AND the armpits are cut out for increased ventilation and exposed hair. What's not to love?

Shit this is going to take awhile isn't it? Ok, Storm, first costume is from her All New All Different introduction. Then she went punk and back a dominatrix with a mohawk, which was an admirable attempt to shake this up but also looked totally fucking ridiculous. The 3rd costume was worn only for a few pages in an X-Men/New Mutants summer annual crossover that was never scene again, though was exquisitely drawn by the master Arthur Adams. Then Jim Lee decided the early 90's meant all women need big puffy shoulder pads in their costumes and full body suits. Finally, Storm got a redesign of her classic look, that keep the better elements of the decidedly 70's look while updating the rest.

Winner: The new classic

Hey it's fucking Sabretooth, who started out a monstrous villain, then became a retarded good guy, and now I have no clue (what? I'm being honest.) The first look is classic costume with ample shag carpet accents. It was too simple and recognizable so they updaeted the look in the 90's with more superfluous detail. Then they just gave up the whole costume idea and but him in leather pants and vests. He looks like a complete douche now. Save me a seat at the Linkin Park costume, dickhead.

Winner: the Byrne design from his Powerman & Iron Fist incarnation. It's the only one that resembles an actual super villain costume, for which I am a sucker.

The sin quo non of Rogue is her skunk stripe/clump of hair, plus some green in her costume. Other than that, as you can see, peaple have just put her in whatever they fuck clothes they felt like. A green plastic hoodie to start? Ok. Black tights and an 80's, punkish one shoulder sweatershirt? Yeah fine (she never really rocked the mohawk like that, though). A fucking metal chest plate and groin high boots to go through the Siege Perilous (look it up)? Sure, why not? A fucking Jim Lee bomber jacket and shit? Fucking do it up! And then back to the little green riding hood inspired look.

Winner: I do love some good groin high boots. You can suck my powers and brain any time you want Rogue.
Yes - I'm back from a day or so of frigging off to prove I'm a bovine fide X-Master of magnitude proportions. Lets get this shit over with, shall we?

Ah, Magnetballs. Magneemo first outfit here with the big goofy M on it is when he turned himself over to the authorities and allowed himself to be put on trial for killing a Russian town and a Russian sub and maybe some other fuckers. He get's let off the hook somehow and then tries Xavier's dream for a while, which would make him an Uncle Tom in the Malcom X/MLK Jr paradigm that was original set up between those two nemeses, wearing the next costume without the helmet or the big goofy M. Then put on that cloaky thing and his psi-proof helmet during some later years where I was out in college, not reading comics and getting laid like none of the time. Now he's back in his original, medievaly looking duds, which would probably look the most bad ass except for the fact that's he's wearing his underwear on the outside.

Winner winner chicken dinner: #2. You need a high tolerance for the color purple but i like that his pants are just normal pants and not tights or a full body suit or whatever.

"Mean" Jean Grey never did get a nickname that stuck. She started with the dumb "Marvel Girl" name, which was ditched after everyone realized it was insulting. She had that in her original "student" outfit and then in her super impractical green dress with the super short skirt and that big yellow butterfly mask. They skip her green Phoenix costume and skip right to her genocidal, maroon Dark Phoenix kit. Then it's a complete Jim Lee make over, replete with sholder pads and meaningless pouches, and finally to the New X-Men Frank Quietly design. Now she's dead again, I think. (Spoilers!)

Winnar! Dark Phoenix. You going to led the wanton murder of 5 billion fish people get in the way of haute superhero couture? I didn't think so.

This is dumb, Iceman doesn't really have any costumes, he's just made out of ice. All though that first "costume" is jut the original drawing of him by Jack Kirby that was more Snowman than Iceman. I don't know when he wore the black leather gear but it's dumb.

Winner: Uh, the Iceman look I guess.

I don't know much about this Hope character, since there's like eleventy billion X-titles currently being published and I only read one. She's clearly the hottest in the first depiction so that is the winner. Haha, just kidding that's gross.


Even though Havok's first all black with tin foil highlights looks the coolest artistically, it's completely stupid. Look at that shit on his head? Who would do that if they were making themselves a costume. The second is all 90's, with the shoulder pads and face, uh, outline mask? (Interestingly, that drawing is by Larry Stroman, who designed the second costume there, when they relaunched the title with and all new line up and the great Peter David handling the writing). I don't know much about the next two. One has rec specs and the other the dumb face outline thing.

Winner? Maybe I'll throw the 90's a bone and call Stroman's the winner, mostly for nostalgia.
Emma Frost had a code name, when she was the evil White Queen. Now she jut goes by Emma Frost most of the time. All her costumes are equally whorish and absurd. Corsets and thigh high boots seem to be her M.O. I like the classic S&M look but the Frank Quietly #2 is just so over the top with it's cleavage I think I have to make the the winner.

So yea boobs!

Yes, Cyclops, the best X-Pimp. He got to push it up in Jean Grey, Jean Grey's clone, Emma Frost, and he had Misty Knight's friend Coleen Wing absolutely begging for it. His first redesign after the original is the classic look, but the underwear on the outside is just no good. He really over did the whole "X" theme with the rest fo his team mates when they formed X-Factor, then Jim Lee'd out with like, 4 utility belts in the 90's. Then John Cassady gave him psuedo NFL uniform look with all that yellow piping.

Winner and still champion: I love them all but I'll go with the latest, "Astonishing" look. And anyone who doesn't think Cyclops is the best X-Men is just jealous that they aren't all up in Ema Frost's guts like he is.

The Beast with one back is probably on of the most under rated X-Men, and maybe in the whole Marvel Universe. Not as smart as Tony Stark and Reed Richards and not as strong as Colossus, or even Spider-Man. Also he's blue and furry and looks like a disgusting freak. He started out just caveman like, then accidentaly turned himself blue and furry (way to go Einstein), then back again to cromagnon man (not pictured), then blue again, then Frank Quietly put him in that stupid fucking singlet thing and made him cat like, instead of ape like, in apperance (or feline instead of simian, if youre into that whole Latin thing), and finally in the crap there at the end.

Winningest: The blue ape look with the Wolverine hair. He's just in underwear but when you look like Blanca from Street Fighter, all you need is a set of tighty whiteys (or bluies, whatever) to keep your dongus from flapping around and you're good to go.

Pretty boy angel started in the original student costume like the rest of the original X-Men, then gave himself a respectable look sponsored by the Anaheim Angels (after skipping his woeful ed suspenders look of the late 60's. Then WWIII joined X-Factor, put on the red X costume and got crucified by the Morlocks, then kidnapped by Apocolypse and turned into that weird blue skin with the purble shit all over it by Walt Simonson (not your best work, Walt), and finally into whatever variation of that design he's in know. I think it's in Uncanny X-Force, but it's new shit so I'm not sure.

The best of the best: Probably the second look. Although the red X-Factor garb is ok. Either way, Angel sucks. Ooh, you can fly, so can like, 50 other superheroes. And all someone has to do is rip those pussy wings of and you're screwed. I'm surpised it didn't happen earlier than it did. His only real value to the X-Men is his personal fortune, which he uses to bankroll shit. Otherwise he should fuck off and leave the superheroics to those that know what they are doing.

Ok, that's it. This took longer than I thought so I'm not going to proof read it, which means theres going to be a bitch ton of typos but there isn't a god damn thing I'm going to do about it. So eat my shit, typos.

I hope I was able to prove that I do, in fact, know some shit about the X-Men, because of you don't believe me then I don't know what I would do. Probably drink. Say, great idea.

Monday, April 11, 2011

X-Men 186: LOAFDRECK

What we learn in this double-sized story of love and loads and landlubbers:

FORGE IS HOPING FOR SOME TRANSGENDERED FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE SYNDROME TO TAKE AFFECT ON STORM. WELL IT WORKED FOR MARTY MCFLY’S MOM. KIND OF.

FORGE IS STILL LIVING IN EAGLE PLOPZA IN PIECE OF SHIT DALLAS, TEXAS.
WAITER! WHAT IS THIS MUTANT AMPUTEE DOING IN MY PENTHOUSE APARTMENT POOL? WHY SIR, IT APPEARS TO BE THE BACKSTROKE. BA-DUM BUM CHISH!

THE EVIL PINK ALIEN ANTEATERS ARE HERE TO FUCK SHIT UP. AND PARTY. HEY BABY LOOSEN UP, I JUST WANT TO SUCK YOUR BRAIN OUT THROUGH MY STRAW LIKE PROBOSCIS. AINT NO BIG THANG, MAMA.

BEST SOUND AFFEECT OF THE ISSUE HEARD WHEN ROGUE KICKS AN EVIL PINK ALIEN ANTEATER: CHUNT!
VAL COOPER CAN’T DRIVE FOR SHIT. TYPICAL BROAD.

ROGUE HAS LATE NIGHT MUNCHIES.
STORM’S IDEA OF SLIPPING INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE IS TO CHANGE INTO A PAIR OF OVERALLS WITH NO SHIRT OR BRA ON UNDERNEATH. UH, WHAT?

WHEN STORM FINDS OUT IT WAS FORGE WHO INVENTED THE NEUTRALIZER THAT ROBBED HER OF HER POWERS, SHE SAYS LALALA LA LA, YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS. THEN FORGE BREAK HIS CAGE, AND HE GET THIS.
Not only do we get bad artistry of bad ass atrist, Barry Windsor-Smith, but we get double the pages of BWS. BarWinSmith is one of those guys whose work is instantly recognizable. He doesn’t get too much action or scenery to indulge, since a lot of he pages are taken up by Strom and Forge talking about their feelings, but it’s pretty rad nonetheless.

Both the beginning and the end of this issue is protypical Claremont Emo X-Men. Storm and Forge both, like, you know, like each other. But they don’t know if, like, the other one likes them back. So, I dunno, if you, like, want to, you could, like, I dunno, kiss me?

And make out they do. With the passion of the passionate passionate Night Man. The dialogue between these two is either incredibly awkward or incredibly sweet. It’s probably more akward than anything, especially when Forge gets Storm try alcohol for the first time (date rape much?), but Storm dealing with losing her mutant powers carries a little more genuine pathos. I mean, how would you react if th twitch of a finger and the blast from a ray gun, someone wiped away everything you’ve ever used to define yourself? I meansides that you don’t have mutant powers and ray guns don’t exist. But if you think of it like you just lost a job you’ve had for most of your life and you found out the person you just developed a crush on is responsible. So yeah, emo X-Men.

And then there’s this stupid fucking exchange, where Claremont has one character insist that an innapropriate joke was made, when clearly nothing resembling a joke was said by anyone.

Forge: Be daring, take a risk. Who knows, you may even enjoy yourself.

Storm: I am doing that already.


Forge: Flattery m’dear, will get you everything.

Storm: Why do you joke, Forge? I would never make such fun of you.

What the fuck joke was that? THAT IS NO JOKE. No one is making fun of you Storm, you over sensitive twat.

And the fucking Dire Wraths, which is a pretty cool fucking name, are nasty motherfuckers and we can expect more nasty shit from those fuckers next issue.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

X-Men 185: PUBIC ENEMA!

What we learn this issue besides that the tug boat Longshot Annie is just chilling in the middle of the Mississippi river.

HENRY GYRICH DEMANDS ROGUE BE BROUGHT TO JUSTICE. HE MAKES A COMPELLING ARGUMENT THAT SHE IS A DANGEROUS CRIMINAL, BUT HE IS STILL A SLIMY GINGER BITCH.

MYSTIQUE AND VAL COOPER CONFRONT GYRICH AND DEMAND SWEET SWEET LOVING.

REMEMBER WHEN I SAID RACHEL SUMMERS CRIES ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME?

HOORAY FOR SILLY SCI-FI JARGON: “ROGUE’S PHYSIOLOGY IS A SYNTHESIS OF HUMAN AND ALIEN. HER HYBRID METABOLISM GENERATES A UNIQUE ENERGY AURA.” WOW, THAT IS INTERESTING!!!

FORGE BUILT A GUN FOR THE GOVERNMENT AND HIS LIVID WHEN MYSTIQUE TELLS HIM THE GOVERNMENT IS GOING TO USE THE GUN HE BUILT FOR THEM. FORGE IS NOT TOO BRIGHT FOR A GENIUS.

EVIL PINK ANTEATER ALIENS ARE COMING TO FUCK EARTH UP!


We continue to explore the new characters of Forge and Rachel fuggin Summers in this issue, as well as building the intrigue around Val Cooper, Henry Gyrich and the rest of the government spooks and their reaction to the dreaded mutant menace. Obviously Rachel Summers blows. She doesn’t take long to establish her credentials as the worst X-Man (unlike Cyclops, the best X-Man). Forge is still mostly an enigma. Basically he’s a sell out, working for the government, which of course will end up haunting him later.

There are also quite a few pages devoted to Rogue and Storm, cooling out on the banks of the Might Missisip. Rogue feels bad because she fucking ruined the life of Carol Danvers, the original Ms Marvel. Storm snaps her out of her funk by letting her absorb her powers and memories. I guess because Storm is so fucking sweet. Well lad di dah your majesty. Everyone would be just peachy fuckin keen if only they could see the world through your perfect eyes.

Bitch.

Then Gyrich and his flunkies show up and fuck everything up. He tries to neutralize Rogue with Forge’s neutralizer gun, but instead misses and hits Storm. Now Storm is depowered and TOTALLY FUCKED.

And the Dire Wraiths, from some shit called ROM (ROM is a robot space knight, based on a toy. Yea comics!) find out that the neutralizer was actually invented to neutralize them. So THEY decide they need to neutralize Forge first. So we’re all pretty fucked now!

X-Men 184: Past days of future presents of the past pants future's tomorrow's of yester's ding dong dias

What we learn this issue besides the fact that Rachel's Summer's "Mrs Kurt Warner" haircut is irresistible to club owning mulletted playboys of the early 80's.

HEY EVERYONE, LET'S MEET FORGE, THE POPPED COLLAR RUGBY PLAYING NATIVE AMERICAN DOUBLE AMPUTEE CYBORG MUTANT WHO OWNS THE FANCY CANE OF A GILDED AGE PLUTOCRAT.


LOOKIN SHARP FORGE"TMENOW".

ALSO JUST OUT MY SCREENCAPPING AND MS PAINT SKILLZ. MAD LUXURIOUS I KNOW.

UNDERCOVER MOTHER, MYSTIQUE, IS STILL SEXILY INFILTRATING THE US GOVERNMENT, CONVINCING THE SEXY SPECIAL ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT'S NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR, VALARIE COOPER, THAT SHE IS REALLY RAVEN DARKHOLME, DARPA EMPLOYEE. MYSTIQUE EVEN EMPLORE SPECIAL AGENT COOPER TO "CALL ON ME, VALARIE. COME AND SEE, I'M THE SAME DEADLY MUTANT ASSASSIN I USED TO BE."

TIME TRAVELLING MUTANT SPAWN OF CYCLOPS AND MARVEL GIRL FROM ALTERNATE FUTURE DYSTOPIA, RACHEL SUMMERS, IS A DEPRESSING, WEEPY, CRY BABY WITH A TERRIBLE HAIRCUT.

ALL-POWERFUL, MILLENIA OLD SOUL SUCKING MUTANT SELENE IS NAMED AFTER THE GREEK WORD FOR MOON, FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON AT ALL, AND NOT THE MEXICAN-AMERICAN POP SENSATION OF THE EARLY 90'S, SELENA.

RACHEL SUMMERS REALLY IS PRETTY TERRIBLE.
oops, forgot to add the background color.

So it's been a while since I've rapped about my favorite band of mutant outcasts, feared and hated by the people they've sworn to projectile vomit on, but now that my Buffy the fuggin Vampire Annihilator project is over, I've got lots more time to devote to these fucking X-Men.

This issue is fairly straight forward. We're introduced to Forge, a character that represents so many minorities he is perhaps only eclipsed by a college professor of mine, who was Black, Jewish, obese, a woman and a chain smoker, all at once. Forge makes weapons for the US gubmint, the latest of which is a neutralizer, a gun that eliminates super powers, which will soon eliminate Storms' super powers (SPOILER ALERT). Forge also lives in shithole Dallas, Texas, for no other reason than maybe he loves hot, humid, miserable weather and fat, ignorant, assholes in cowboy hats.

We also see Rachel Summers for the first time since the classic Days of Future Past storyline way back at the end of John Byrne's run as artist and co-plotter. Why you'd bring back this misfit from a future that can no longer be for so many convoluted reasons is beyond me, but here is she is nonetheless, back to make a mess of continuity like no other storyline in the history of comics has.

Rachel Summers, later to be known as Phoenix, has immense psychic and telekinetic powers, like her mother, Jean Grey (but not the Jean Grey who died on the Moon while back although she actually was never on the moon but really encased in magic rocks underneath Jamaica Bay in New York and - well you get the point). Also really powerful is Selene, so super old sorceress like mutant, who fights Rachel and some other X-Men until Professor Xavier get's off his lazy bald ass and saves the day.

This issue was great for the inclusion of Nick Damiano, the swinging 80's club owner with a heart of gold and a soft spot for wayward female mutants, adrift in the space time continuum, and flat top hairdos. In between keeping the dance floor of his club packed and rockin to the Moog symphonies of New Order and fellow snythpop prodigies, Nick Damiano likes to wear his leisure suits with tank tops and gold chains, and also to get turned into a pile of dust by evil super villains while awaiting a candle lit dinner with newly discovered, and likely mentally deranged, teenage mutant vagabond, Rachel Summers. His all too brief appearance in the Marvel Universe is a glorious sight to behold. He will be missed.

The issue ends with a soon to be de rigueur sob soaked breakdown by Rachel Summers as she laments the star crossed nature of her time travelling excursion. I was just trying to travel backwards through time and totally violate the laws of thermodynamics and the natural order of the universe, NO BIG DEAL! I don't understand how anything could go wrong! Oh shut up you blubbering cunt.