What we learn this issue besides what's best in life is to crush your enemies, see them driven before you... and hear the lamentation of their women.
IT'S SWORDS AND SORCERY AND SORE ASSES WITH THE WHOLE FUGGIN MARVEL UNIVERSE.
BUT ARMY MEN STILL KEEP SHEA STADIUM SAFE. RESPECT.
A NECKLACE HAS TURNED ALL OF MANHATTAN INTO THE STONE AGE AND ALL THE HEROES INTO WACK CONANS. BEHOLD:
VALARIE COOPER IMPLORES OLD RACIST WHITE ARMY MEN TO TRUST THE MUTANTS SO SOLVE THE PROBLEM, BUT THE OLD RACIST WHITE ARMY GUYS DON'T LIKE MUTANTS BECAUSE THEY ARE RACISTS! DUH!KULAN GATH IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE!
KULAN GATH TRUNS PROFESSOR XAVIER AND CALIBAN INTO SOME DISGUSTING LUMPY KUATO LIKE THING FROM TOTAL RECALL. SICK!
CALISTO AND STORM HAVE A BIKINI FIGHT ON A PIRATE SHIP
HEY LOOK IT'S FUCKIN SPIDER-MAN. FUCK YOU SPIDER-MAN!SELENE IS BACK AND IS GOOD NOW. OR STILL SORT OF BAD. THEN KULAN GATH'S BIG FAT MYSTICAL HEAD EATS HER. THEN THE HEROES GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER.
Remember that thooper dooper magic necklace our favorite dead Watchman owning longshoreman found in the fish? Well it unleashed Kulan Gath and he turned all of Manhattan and all the Marvel super heroes on it (except fuggin Spider-pants) into a bunch of god damn conan the barbarians. So now all these conans are running around getting into sword fights and speaking in conan talk. Enough with the barbarianisms already you stupid conans!
Selene also sluts around with Amara and Rachel some more. I think she has them under her thrall still. Or something.
Doing some Innerweb rezerch, it turns out this whole Kulan Gath amulet and the Hyborian Age stuff comes from Claremont and Byrne's run on Marvel Team-Up, where friggin Spider's Man did the same thing. So now it's the X-Bags.
Whatever, it's fun but kind of pointless with regards to the long running storylines and shit. It concludes next issue and then is pretty much never heard from again. Although maybe it is, look it up if you're so fucking curious.
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