X-Men 224: The Farts Before the Dong

What we learn this issue besides that the scawiest gang in all of San Fwancisco is called the Bay City Badland Boppers. Oh no! Wun away from the scawee Boppers!

YES I THINK THIS COVER TURNED OUT NICELY.

DESPITE MY FAILURE TO MS PAINT IN SOME MIDDLE FINGERS, FARTS ARE STILL NEVER NOT FUNNY. I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE ON THAT.

I'VE SPENT A LIFE TIME LOOKING AT PORN AND YET I HAVE NEVER SEEN A OLD NATIVE AMERICAN MAN AND YOUNG PUNK ROCK AFRICAN AMERICAN GIRL BONING. WHAT THE HELL PORN? I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS BUT YOU REALLY LET ME DOWN HERE.

THIS IS PRETTY STUPID EXCEPT FOR THE NUMBER OF TONS ROGUE IS LIFTING. OK SO IT'S 100% STUPID. YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU DESERVED THAT ROGUE. YOU BITCH. MYSTIQUE IS YOUR FOSTER MOTHER AND YOU PLAY HER LIKE THAT? THE FUCK?

LIKE THE HUMOR OF FARTS, I WILL NEVER NOT TAKE PLEASURE IN THESE SHOTS OF WOLVERINE PUFFING ON A FATTY.

HEY ITS LIKE THAT FUCKING COVER AGAIN!

Fuckin Storm is just about finished with her Vision Quest. Or what she THINKS is her Vision Quest. Because you see, the old Indian man Naze has been playing her like a fiddle the whole time, feeding her bullshit and making her think that Forge is attempting to unleash hell on earth, and only Storm can stop him and save the world. And Storm just laps it up like vacuous vessel seeking fulfillment form the nearest font of steaming horsehsit, never once hesitating to question the provenance of said fountain of excrement.

STORM YOU IGNORANT SEAWARD.

You see, SPOILER ALERT, Forge is actually trying to SAVE the world, and plug the mystical hole torn into the fabric of reality from which pours and unending stream of satanic demons bent on consuming humanity into a nightmare like scenario unlike anything you can even imagine. And it is Naze who set these horrible machinations in motions.

NAZE YOU DICK.

Also the rest of the X-Men save some rando from a 50's greaser inspired gang called the Bay Side Badland Boppers. THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT? But it's entertaining, and Silvestri continues to shine despite some groaning Claremontisms, like this pud curdling line from Havok: "I project energy plasma in a highly excited state." WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN BILL NYE CAN YOU EXPLAIN MAYBE? And this dorkwad bonanza from Rogue: "Yo short stuff, so like who wants to live forever?" YEAH GOOD QUESTION ROGUE. SHORT STUFF, WE ARE WAITING WITH BAITED BREATH FOR YOUR HOPEFULLY EQUALLY PEARLESCENT RETORT.

Short stuff was Wolverine, by the way. Remember when Wolverine was notable because of how short he was? And not a 6 foot Australian named Huge Ackman?

Anyway, the X-Men decide to ditch San Fran again and go find Storm, who just fucked it all up and stabbed Forge in the chest (wow, really? The coolest thing Storm does and it's to a good guy. THIS IS WHY STORM IS THE WORST X-MAN I'M TELLING YOU) and they've been foreshadowing some big thing happening in Dallas where all the X-Men FUCKING DIE so I guess that's what's happening next.

Marvel even made this tits rocking in house ad for the upcoming story arc.

Looks sick. CANT WAIT. CANT FUCKIN WAIT BRAH.