X-Men 225: False Dong

What we learn this issue besides that if Claremont keeps putting "Dawn" in his titles, I'm going to keep putting "Dong" in mine.

SEE YOU NEXT "FALL" OF THE MUTANTS!!!!! HAR HAR HAR! 

YEP, MORE FARTS. AND THAT AIN'T LAST OF THEM NEITHER.

I'VE BEEN PLAYING A SHIT TON OF CHESS LATELY. MAYBE I NEED AN X-MEN CHESS SET. GOOD IDEA, I'LL GOOGLE THAT RIGHT NOW.

NO SHIT, THERE AIN'T ONE. NOT EVEN ON FUCKIN EBAY OR FUCKIN ETSY. I BELIEVE THAT IS WHAT US MASTERS OF BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION CALL A MARKET FAILURE.

NAZE AND ROMA. THE ADVERSARY AND THE, UM, SAVIOR? THEY DONT GIVE ROMA ANOTHER NAME I DONT THINK. ANYWAY, IF YOU HAVEN'T GUESSED FROM THE OBVIOUS CHESS METAPHORS, THEYRE FIGHTING FOR THE FATE OF THE UNIVERSE, ORDER VS CHAOS, ETC, ETC AND THE X-PEOPLES AND WHAT NOT ARE THE PAWNS THEY ARE ATTEMPTING TO MANIPULATE. FUCKIN GUYS. GET A NEW HOBBY WHY DONT YOU.

 COLOSSUS HATES FUCKIN PHONES.

THIS IS JUST A REALLY COOL SEQUENCE.OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN JUST IMAGINE SOME FARTING NOISES IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE IT FUNNIER.

 YOU TAKE SOME OF THAT!

I MEAN, WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK? THIS IS NOT GEORGIA O'KEEFFE LEVEL OF SUBTLETY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

This is the first issue of what can be considered the first official crossover, or "X-Over" because it's the X-Men and we think we're just so fucking clever. Except unlike the Mutant Massacre, which wasn't as tightly planned but did weave the main storyline through multiple titles, the Fall of the Mutants is more of a general shake up of all the X titles that takes place concurrently but aren't as intertwined.

ANYWAYS, Storm and Forge aren't seen at all this issue, but these mystical jagovs Roma (the good guy, or lady as it were) and Naze, the bad guy, talk about them while they have a conversation in "an impossible place - space that encompasses all existence - time that embraces all eternity." Sounds lovely. And even tho Naze is hell bent on annihilating the universe because shit would get boring if he didn't try, Roma doesn't do anything but look pretty while they talk, when she should be blasting him with whatever power she possesses if she truly gave a shit. 

Its all very new agey and you pretty much have to just accept it at face value and as an excuse for Claremont to break out the metaphysical purple prose he loves so much.

Also, Colossus is back. Hooray for the big Russian lummox! I always liked Colossus. He is very tender hearted but he gets frustrated at all the anti-mutant bigotry in Scotland and so he pummels some rubble and takes down a phone booth. COLOSSUS VENTS HIS FRUSTRATION LIKE A BOSS.

Colossus has successfully convalesced from his injuries suffered in the Mutant Massacre (right before he snapped Riptide's fucking neck, ALSO LIKE A BOSS), on Muir Island but now he's ready to rejoin his chums the X-Pals. Luckily, his kid sister Illyana is a sorceress who can teleport him anywhere on the planet by stepping in and out of the demonic parallel dimension of Limbo, over which she has dominion. SEE HOW AWESOME COMICS ARE.

So Colossus shows up right in the middle of an X-Men fight with the sell out dicks, Freedom Force. It's a fun battle and it ends in a draw, with the X-Men seeking cover in Forge's abandoned office building headquarters, Eagle Plaza, with Mystique, leader of Freedom Force and also Rogue's foster mother, as a hostage. Meanwhile, Freedom Force retires without, only with Rogue as a hostage. THE POTENTIAL FOR AGNSTYNESS IS QUITE HIGH.

Also they are in shitty Dallas, home of the buttfucking Dallas Cowboys, and also Madeline Pryor is with the X-Men, because someone has to take care of this ditzy broad after her husband, Cyclops, the best X-Man, dumped her ginger ass.

Also it is snowing. It is because something is, as they say, rotten in Denmark.

Oh, and because I am a big dork, I thought it was amusing when Claremont had Colossus reply to the Blob who had expressed doubt that Colossus was not still injured: "To coin a phrase - I got better!"

So I ran the phrases "I got better" and "to coin a phrase" through Google NGrams and it turns out, Colossus did NOT coin the phrase "I got better", which has been around for at least 200 years and undoubtedly longer than that. And in fact, the phrase "to coin a phrase" is less common in the history of the English written word than "I got better", so really, Claremont totally blew that one. See, here is the graph:

So it looks like I won this test of lameness! WHAMMO!

And then a vagina erupts in the midnight sky and who knows whats pouring out that unholy gash. We'll find out next issue though!