X-MEN 270: Furds Dryke Dee Eggs Ding Chun A Jen Duh Pard Wun

HAVOK IS BACK! AND HE'S A BRAIN WASHED GENOSHAN SONOVABITCH! AND HE HATES COMIC BOOK TITLES! HE'S FUCKING THOSE LETTERS UP WITH FUCKING CIRCLES!

 

I HAD A MIDDLE SCHOOL ENGLISH TEACHER WHO USED TO SAY AGENDER. ALSO IDEAR, FOR IDEA. HEY, LEARN ENGLISH YOU STUPID BITCH. I THINK SHE WAS FROM LONG GUYLAND.

SO THIS IS WHAT PASSES FOR THE X-MEN THESE DAYS.

PATHETIC.

THERE SERIOUSLY IS NO REASON FOR STEVIE HUNTER TO SHOW UP AGAIN. IT MAKES NO SENSE AND SHE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING. SHE JUST STANDS THERE AND ADMONISHES PEOPLE FOR SOME BULLSHIT.

SO SOME MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR THE X-PALS MOVE BACK INTO THE BASEMENT OF THE DEMOLISHED X-MANSHUN, EXCEPT THE NEWD MUTAINTS ARE ALREADY THERE, TRAINING WITH THEIR NEW LEADER, GRIZZLED OLD WARRIOR, CABLE.

IT CREATES FUCKING TENSION.

HAHA, LIKE FROM DOUG FROM THE TV SHOW THE STATE.

CLASSIC.

THEN THERE IS SOME REMINISCING ABOUT THE GOOD OLD DAYS AND SOME SHOUTING ABOUT HOW THE TERRIBLY BORING NEW MUTANT DOUG RAMSEY, AKA CYPHER, WHO DIED. HE DIED BECAUSE HIS POWER WAS THE ABILITY TO TRANSLATE ANY LANGUAGE, WHICH DOESN'T MAKE FOR A VERY INTERESTING OR EXCITING SUPER HERO. SO THEY KILLED HIM.

ANYVAY, HERE EVERYONE IS, LALLYGAGGING OUT BY SOME LAKE, IN SOME STRING BIKINIS AND SPEEDOS, THROWING AROUND THE FRISBEE WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD.

OH NO, THE ROYAL MOUNTED GENOSHAN BIKER GANG!

GOD DAMN IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU LOVE JIM LEE. HEY YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE THE X-MEN EVEN COOLER? IF ROBOTECH SHOWED UP. OK SURE, YOU GOT IT!

ANYWAY, THE SUPED UP GENOSHANS KICK THE SHIT OUT OFF STORM AND A BUNCH OF THE NEW MUTANTS. STORM SAVES USELESS STEVIE HUNTER BY THROWING DOWN SOME HATCH AND LOCKING IT, WHICH UNFORTUNATLEY BLOCKS ALL THE REST OF THE X-DUDES AND NEW MUTIES FROM COMING TO THEIR RESCUE.

THANKS A LOT STORM. AND STEVIE HUNTER. GOD YOU BOTH SUCK.

LUCKILY CABLE IS NOT ABOUT TO LET THIS TRANSGRESSION GO UNANSWERED.

HE ALSO WANTS TO REMIND EVERYONE THAT FORGE IS A NATIVE AMERICAN. GREAT THANKS FOR THE REMINDER CABLE.

This is part 1 of the X-Tinction Agenda (it's important not to include the "E", as these are the X-Men, no the fucking Exmen), a crossover with the New Mutants and X-Factor that would completely fuck my whole world up, in a good way. At least the world that I had known for the first nine years of my life.

And honestly most of it is because of Jim Lee. He basically took every cool piece of science fiction from the last 20 years and threw it all magnificently onto the pages. I'm still recognizing new influences every time I reread these comics. Out fucking standing.

But for as great as the art and story is, it's also unfortunately about to bring about the departure of Chris Claremont from the Marvel Universe. He'll be back, after like a 8 year hiatus or something, and after 17 years on the same team comic book, he earned himself a respite and then some. It's just a shame that just as my tiny little mind was being blown apart from the culmination of decades of X-Men stories, the man most responsible for getting everything to this point was on his way out.

Oh well, que sera fucking sera.

Back to the comic book. It's fucking excellent. Duh. I don't think it's every explained why the Siege Perilous dumped Havok into Genoshan where he was brainwashed into serving the bad guys but there he is. So a bunch of good guys are captured and brought back to evil, apartheidy Genosha and the X-Men et al start planning their rescue. And Payback, grrr!

I won't be covering the X-Factor and New Mutant issues, because they mostly suck (though I sure did enjoy them at the time), but here's what happens next.

Part 2: The Genoshans kill Warlock, the robot alien New Mutant, while everyone else escapes except Wolfsbane, the teenage Scottish girl werewolf. Cameron Hodge, some guy who hates mutants, has gone crazy, fused himself to a hulking robot spider carapace thing, and taken over the Genoshan military, so he can accomplish his plan of killing all mutants everywhere. The President of Genosha and the Genegineer (just look him up), are dicks but they're not as crazy as Hodge, who is super crazy.

Part 3: All the good guys head over to Genosha to bring those fuckers down once and for all. They stop by Government official Valerie Cooper's place first (who I thought was under mind control by the Shadow King, but, eh whatever) and then land on Genoshan soil. Soon thereafter they are ambushed by a huge army of Genoshans, included Havok, who gets into a fist fight with Cyclops, his brother. Cyclops beats some sense into him and he starts to remember his past. Havok is then abruptly teleported away and everyone's like, ok, time for part 4.

NEXT: PART 4.