X-MEN 277: FREAK CHALET

HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS I'M STILL DOING THESE FUCKING THINGS. WHAT EVEN THE FUCK FOR ANYWAY?

 

WOW A PG COVER. DON'T SEE THAT FROM ME VERY OFTEN.

BTW I WANT TO START A BAND CALLED DICK SMACKEY AND THE FARMINGTONES. WE WOULD COVER KID ROCK AND CREED MOSTLY.

THIS IS ISSUE IS A REAL COMING OUT PARTY FOR GAMBIT. HE FUCKING REGULATES ALL UP AND DOWN THE UNITED STATES OF SPACE.

HAHA, I FORGOT MITBAG IS AN ANAGRAM OF GAMBIT. VERY NICE. MITBAG. SOLID ANAGRAM.

COOLEST THING FORGE HAS EVER DONE, PROBABLY.

BY THE WAY I HAVE A QUESTION. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO FOR A FACE WHEN GODZILLA WANTS HIS BUTT BACK?

HAHAHA, THE BEST OF ALL BURNS.

JUST A NICE SEQUENCE INVOLVING LASER BLASTERS AND STORM WITH SHOULDER MOUNTED ROCKET LAUNCHERS AND THEN STORM GETTING ROCKED IN THE FACE WITH LASER BLASTS.
 

OH SORRY, DID YOU CONFUSE WOLVERINE WITH A MUTANT WHO COUNTENANCES TRIFLING?

ITS ACTUALLY FAKE SKRULL WOLVERINE, JUST FYI. BUT STILL, REAL WOLVERINE BROOKS NO FOOLISHNESS NEITHER.

MORE EVIDENCE OF MITBAG'S AFOREMENTIONED REGULATION. VERY BAWSE LIKE.

FUCK OFF FAKE PURPLE SKINNED, MOHAWKED, NON COPYRIGHT INFRINGING SUPERMAN!

THAT'S BUDDING FAN FAV MITBIG PLUNGING THAT SPEAR THROUGH FAKE SKRULL WOLVERINE'S BACK AND RIB CAGE (WHICH WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE WITH REAL WOLVERINE AND HIS UNBREAKABLE ADAMANTIUM COATED SKELETON, NATCH).

SO YEAH, MITBAG WRECKING HOUSE. WAY TO GO MITBAG.

PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE RECAPTIONED THIS IS A CURSE WORD. LIKE, OI CUNT. XAVIER COULD BE DOING A JASON STATHAM IMPRESSION, WHY NOT?

ANYWAY, XAVIER AND THE REST OF THE X-MEN WERE BOUND UP IN SOME COMPUTER THING AND THE SKRULLS WERE TAKING OVER AND THERE'S ACTUALLY WAY MORE TO THIS "HOST" THING AND THE SKRULLS WANT FEMALES FOR SOME SICK BROODING SHIT BUT THEY NEVER REALLY GET INTO IT AND EVENTUALLY THE REAL CHARLES XAVIER PLEASE STANDS UP AND THE X-MEN WIN.

BUT NO TIME TO CATCH YOUR BREATH X-PALS! THE FUCKING SHADOW KING HAS BEEN FUCKING UP MUIR ISLAND FOR LIKE 25 ISSUES. AND NOW HE MIND RAPED COLOSSUS AND HE'S ABOUT TO SIC HIM ON STEVIE FUCKING HUNTER (NO BIG LOSS IF I'M BEING HONEST). BUT STILL, GET THE FUCK OUT OF SPACE AND BACK HOME TO ERF YOU FUCKING X-MEN!

Another fun issue, and this time I'm not hungover but in fact, buzzed off natural light, for that natural smooth flavor that hopefully won't leave me feeling like warmed over death tomorrow.

This pretty much concludes Chris Claremont's last major story arc in Uncanny X-Bros that he sees through to the finish. Which is a shame, because this Shadow King fucking up of Muir Island has been brewing in the background for fucking years now. But Claremont recuses himself from the title before that whole thing is done. At this point he's like, 16, 17 years on the title, and is understandable burnt out. Still, it's a shame this is all coming to end, especially when these action packed issues with Jim Lee are really fucking kicking everything into high gear.

You definitely get the sense that Claremont is cognizant of impending finality of everything. There's a lot of call backs to the past and some dialog I meant to remember and quote here but then I got lazy and gizzard deep in bevos so you'll have to just read every god damn Uncanny X-Men comic like I fucking did and find the small pleasures and joy in picking up on these things yourselves. Christ it's not that hard, why don't you just do that, you'll fucking love it. Fucking X-Men.

Right, so Xavier is back with his team, altho it's changed quite a bit since he last fucked off the planet to hang out with his alien poontress Lilandra, back in issue, um, I dunno, two hundred and something. 200ish? Fuck it I can't remember. Wolverine and Storm are still there. Banshee is pretty fucking old school. Gambit is brand new and so is Jubilee. Forge is a douche bag but I think he met Xavier. I was actually a big fan of Mitbag because I bought his first appearance off the spinner rack and so I wanted him to be big since I had no ability to buy the first appearances of any of the other more established X-Mans as those issues were beyond the means by allowance afforded (of course now I have all their first appearances because I am a raging success in life, except X-Men #1 from 1963 but I'm not made out of money you know! I spend enough on comics, stop pressuring me!).

OK, not many more of these puppies left. Luckily (or, if you're my liver, unluckily), I'm not running out off beer any time soon. Hooray me right? (and fuck yourself, LIVER).

X-MEN 276: DOUBLE DRAGON BOOK DEATH

YOU GONNA BARK ALL DAY LITTLE DOGGIE, OR ARE YOU GONNA BITE?

BY THE WAY MY FUCKING HEAD IS KILLING ME. FUCKING BELGIAN ALES FUCK MY SHIT UP REAL GOOD. MIGHT AS WELL JUST DRINK HURRICANE MALT LIQUOR IF THIS IS THE HANGOVER I'M GONNA GET. YEAH, I SHOULD DRINK HURRICANES. GREAT VALUE IN THAT BRAND.

ANYWAY, XAVIER GOES FOR WOLVIES BASKET AND GETS MURDERED.

OR DOES HE???

FOR MOST OF THIS ISSUE, A LOT OF THE GOOD GUYS ACT LIKE BAD GUYS, AND ONE OF THE BAD GUYS (DEATHBIRD THERE) JOINS THE GOOD GUY TEAM.

ITS BECAUSE THINKS GET FUCKING CRAZY OUT IN SPACE!

THEN DEATHBIRD AND LILA CHENEY GO BREAST TO BREAST.

SAY, WHAT'S WOLVERINE BEEN UP TO?

GETTING DRUNK AT BARS AND PLOWING RANDO ALIEN POONTANG? SURE LOOKS THAT WAY.

I LOVE HOW CASUALLY THAT IMPLIED BONING IS DROPPED INTO THIS COMIC. ITS LIKE, HEY CAN I GET A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT? AFTER THAT INCREDIBLE SEX YOU MADE WITH ME LAST NIGHT, OF COURSE!

TASTE IT XAVIER.

SO STORM IS ALL LIKE "?"

AND THEN FORGE IS LIKE "!"

AND THEN I'M LIKE "( . Y . )"

ALSO THIS PANEL IS AWESOME. COMICS RULE.

HEY REMEMBER THE P!NDYR? PTERODACTYL LOOKING ALIEN FUCKERS? NO? WELL ANYWAY, THEY'RE DEAD.

AND FORGE CRIES ABOUT IT BECAUSE FORGE IS A FUCKING PUSSY.

ROBOTECH BABY.

COULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT WOLVERINE'S ASS CRACK HERE.

JIM LEE IS CLEARLY FAMILIAR WITH HENTAI

WAIT SO WHY ARE ALL THE GOOD GUYS ACTING LIKE STRAIGHT UP DICKHEADS AGAIN?

OH YEAH, CAUSE THEY'RE SKRULLS. I KNEW THAT.

NUMBER ONE I'VE GOT TO GO TAKE A NUMBER TWO.

This was another fun issue. Too bad I have such a throbbing headache right now, or I would have enjoyed it more. God damn why does anyone drink alcohol? It's fucking poison!

Just kidding booze, I will never leave you. You know that.

Anyway, now that the Savaged Lands saga is over, maestros Claremont and Lee can devout an entire issue to the United X-Men of SPACE. Gambit and Jubilee are captured by Xavier, Psylocke and some Starjammers and other space people who are normally good guys but are being pieces of shit because they are really Skrulls! Skrulls are an evil, green skin goblin looking race of aliens who can shape change, which means they can infiltrate other species and fuck them up big time!

So why don't they infiltrate Earth and take over if they're so good at transmogriphication? They tried! They wrote stacks and stacks of comic books about it! You can buy them all of you have like, $5,000!

Blarg. Anyway, I feel like shit. I'm going to go get a burrito. Next issue, the X-Bags and Xavier team up and beat the bad guys! (Spoiler alert).

X-MEN 275: THE PANTS NOT SHAKIN

SO MUCH GOOD SHIT IN A SPECIAL DOUBLE SIZED ARBITARY ROUNDISH NUMBER SPECTACULAR! SO LITTLE TIME TO BLOG DURING A BOOZE FILLED 4TH OF JULY EXTENDED WEEKEND. I'M SO BUSY. AND SO DRUNK.

 

OH MY GOD I LOVE THE X-MEN YOU GUYS.

 

I DREW SOME SUPER LARGE PEPERONI NIPS ALL OVER ALL THE X-MEN AND THE SUPPORTING CAST. I LIKE A NICE PEP SIZED NIP. PINK PUFFY SILVER DOLLAR SIZED NIPS SURE WHY NOT?

GREAT COVER. PROBABLY ONE OF MY BEST YET.

THE STARJAMMERS! INTERGALATIC SPACE PIRATES OF A SHAKESPEAREAN BENT! PERFECT, HAVE THEM IN THE COMIC BOOK SOUNDS GOOD TO ME!

THE X-PALS ARE ALL UP IN SPACE AND ARE FUCKING AROUND WITH SPACE SHIT. LIKE SHIPS. BIG FAT FUCKING SPACE SHIPS. HEY MAN, NICE FUCKING SPACE SHIPS. REAL FUCKIN NICE.

THE X-MEN FIGHT DEATHBIRD, AN EVIL SPACE BIRD ALIEN, AND SHE FUCKS WOLVERINE UP. CHECK OUT THE VERY EXCELLENT SEQUENCE FROM THE MASTER JIM LEE. YES VERY GOOD. 

HAHA, HUMOR FROM CLAREMONT THE MAESTRO. HE DOESN'T DO HUMOR VERY WELL BUT HERE I THINK HE NAILS IT. LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK GIANT FISH ALIEN FROM THE SPACE LAGOON, THE FUCK ARE YOU AND THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???

GNARLY DOUBLE PAGE SPREAD. NOW ITS THE XDUDES + STARJOBBERS VS THE IMPERIAL GUARD OF THE SHIAR BIRD ALIEN PEOPLE.

THE X-PALS WIN AND REUNITE WITH BALD DICK HEAD CHARLES XAVIER, THE CREEPY PERVERT WHO FOUNDED A "SCHOOL" WHERE HE IS THE ONLY ADULT IN CHARGE OF A BUNCH OF "SPECIAL" TEENAGERS. NICE FUCKIN TRY, XAVIER, I'M ON TO YOUR PLOY.

ALSO SIMOLTAENOUS TO SPACE ADVENTURE IS THE ROGUE, MAGNETO, KAZAR, NICK FUCKIN FURY AGENT OF FUCKING SHEILD BATTLE IN THE SAVAGE LAND OF FUCKING DINOSAURS!

WATCH OUT THERE BUDDY, THOSE DINOS LOOK ANGRY.

SO IF WE LET GAY PEOPLE GET MARRIED NOW, WHATS TO STOP ROGUE FROM MARRYING A T-REX?

THEY COME SOOOO CLOSE TO ACTUALLY USING THIS LINE FROM TOTAL RECALL. GOD DAMN THAT IS A GOOD MOVIE.

RICHTER, SEE YOU AT THE PARTY.

HAHA STILL FUNNY TO ME.
 

LOOKS LIKE THE EVIL ZALADANE HAS THE UPPER HAND ON OUR MISFIT BAND OF HEROES!

ALSO KINDA TRIPPY. NICE PANEL TEAM. 

OH NOS! I FORGOTS TO CROP THE TOP PART OF THIS PANELS IN MS PAINTS. NOW I LOOKS EVERY BIT THE RANK AMATEUR.

OH WELLS.

A WHOLE PAGE OF MASTERWORK BY THE LEGENDS LEE AND CLAREMONT. YOURE WELCOME WORLD FOR THIS GIFT I BESTOW TO YOU. GAZE UPON IN AWE AND LEARN SOMETHING FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.

SO MAGNETO IS KIND OF A MURDRING DICKHEAD AGAIN BUT OTHERWISE THE GOOD GUYS PREVAIL IN THE SAVAGELAND AND ROGUE HAS HER POWERS AND IS ON HER WAY TO BEING PART OF THE TEAM AGAIN.  

MEANWHILE, UP IN FUCKING SPACE
 

RAPE! NO, NOT REALLY. BUT KINDA LOOKS LIKE IT. NOT REALLY OK?

The X-Men "win" in outer space but what a minute, he's going around fucking people up after the bad guys and Deathbird is vanquished? Holy shit its that bald fucker Charles Xavier! But how? Why?

Spoiler alert, its a fucking Skrull.

We find that out next issue.

This issue was pretty fucking good tho. Dinosaurs, space aliens, fucking titties. Its got it all. if you want to read one of the best pure comic books of the era, you should start with this one. it makes Superman and Batman look like total shitheads. I fucking hate Superman. Batman is all right but its like, hey, fuck you Bruce Wayne. Get a fucking life. Only the excellent collection of villains saves Batman from being a complete piece of shit.

ANYWAY, this is a good comic. Yes I've said that already. OK so I'm done talking about then. Go fucking buy it and read it! I did!