X-MEN 275: THE PANTS NOT SHAKIN

SO MUCH GOOD SHIT IN A SPECIAL DOUBLE SIZED ARBITARY ROUNDISH NUMBER SPECTACULAR! SO LITTLE TIME TO BLOG DURING A BOOZE FILLED 4TH OF JULY EXTENDED WEEKEND. I'M SO BUSY. AND SO DRUNK.

 

OH MY GOD I LOVE THE X-MEN YOU GUYS.

 

I DREW SOME SUPER LARGE PEPERONI NIPS ALL OVER ALL THE X-MEN AND THE SUPPORTING CAST. I LIKE A NICE PEP SIZED NIP. PINK PUFFY SILVER DOLLAR SIZED NIPS SURE WHY NOT?

GREAT COVER. PROBABLY ONE OF MY BEST YET.

THE STARJAMMERS! INTERGALATIC SPACE PIRATES OF A SHAKESPEAREAN BENT! PERFECT, HAVE THEM IN THE COMIC BOOK SOUNDS GOOD TO ME!

THE X-PALS ARE ALL UP IN SPACE AND ARE FUCKING AROUND WITH SPACE SHIT. LIKE SHIPS. BIG FAT FUCKING SPACE SHIPS. HEY MAN, NICE FUCKING SPACE SHIPS. REAL FUCKIN NICE.

THE X-MEN FIGHT DEATHBIRD, AN EVIL SPACE BIRD ALIEN, AND SHE FUCKS WOLVERINE UP. CHECK OUT THE VERY EXCELLENT SEQUENCE FROM THE MASTER JIM LEE. YES VERY GOOD. 

HAHA, HUMOR FROM CLAREMONT THE MAESTRO. HE DOESN'T DO HUMOR VERY WELL BUT HERE I THINK HE NAILS IT. LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK GIANT FISH ALIEN FROM THE SPACE LAGOON, THE FUCK ARE YOU AND THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???

GNARLY DOUBLE PAGE SPREAD. NOW ITS THE XDUDES + STARJOBBERS VS THE IMPERIAL GUARD OF THE SHIAR BIRD ALIEN PEOPLE.

THE X-PALS WIN AND REUNITE WITH BALD DICK HEAD CHARLES XAVIER, THE CREEPY PERVERT WHO FOUNDED A "SCHOOL" WHERE HE IS THE ONLY ADULT IN CHARGE OF A BUNCH OF "SPECIAL" TEENAGERS. NICE FUCKIN TRY, XAVIER, I'M ON TO YOUR PLOY.

ALSO SIMOLTAENOUS TO SPACE ADVENTURE IS THE ROGUE, MAGNETO, KAZAR, NICK FUCKIN FURY AGENT OF FUCKING SHEILD BATTLE IN THE SAVAGE LAND OF FUCKING DINOSAURS!

WATCH OUT THERE BUDDY, THOSE DINOS LOOK ANGRY.

SO IF WE LET GAY PEOPLE GET MARRIED NOW, WHATS TO STOP ROGUE FROM MARRYING A T-REX?

THEY COME SOOOO CLOSE TO ACTUALLY USING THIS LINE FROM TOTAL RECALL. GOD DAMN THAT IS A GOOD MOVIE.

RICHTER, SEE YOU AT THE PARTY.

HAHA STILL FUNNY TO ME.
 

LOOKS LIKE THE EVIL ZALADANE HAS THE UPPER HAND ON OUR MISFIT BAND OF HEROES!

ALSO KINDA TRIPPY. NICE PANEL TEAM. 

OH NOS! I FORGOTS TO CROP THE TOP PART OF THIS PANELS IN MS PAINTS. NOW I LOOKS EVERY BIT THE RANK AMATEUR.

OH WELLS.

A WHOLE PAGE OF MASTERWORK BY THE LEGENDS LEE AND CLAREMONT. YOURE WELCOME WORLD FOR THIS GIFT I BESTOW TO YOU. GAZE UPON IN AWE AND LEARN SOMETHING FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.

SO MAGNETO IS KIND OF A MURDRING DICKHEAD AGAIN BUT OTHERWISE THE GOOD GUYS PREVAIL IN THE SAVAGELAND AND ROGUE HAS HER POWERS AND IS ON HER WAY TO BEING PART OF THE TEAM AGAIN.  

MEANWHILE, UP IN FUCKING SPACE
 

RAPE! NO, NOT REALLY. BUT KINDA LOOKS LIKE IT. NOT REALLY OK?

The X-Men "win" in outer space but what a minute, he's going around fucking people up after the bad guys and Deathbird is vanquished? Holy shit its that bald fucker Charles Xavier! But how? Why?

Spoiler alert, its a fucking Skrull.

We find that out next issue.

This issue was pretty fucking good tho. Dinosaurs, space aliens, fucking titties. Its got it all. if you want to read one of the best pure comic books of the era, you should start with this one. it makes Superman and Batman look like total shitheads. I fucking hate Superman. Batman is all right but its like, hey, fuck you Bruce Wayne. Get a fucking life. Only the excellent collection of villains saves Batman from being a complete piece of shit.

ANYWAY, this is a good comic. Yes I've said that already. OK so I'm done talking about then. Go fucking buy it and read it! I did!

X-MEN 226: GO TELL YOUR MOTHER

What we learned this issue besides that being transformed by Eldritch time waves is bad for business for shopping malls. 

ITS A SPECIAL DOUBLE THE SIZE, DOUBLE THE PENETRATION ISSUE!

THAT SAYS: "THE HARD WIENERED" BY THE WAY. HEY DID YOU KNOW THE WORD WIENER COMES FROM THE GERMAN WORD "VIENNESE?" FUCKING WHO GIVES A SHIT, RIGHT?

FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE GOAT ASS. ESPECIALLY YOU, TONY WOMO.

TASTE COLD STEEL, DAZZLER.

WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THE X-MANS ALWAYS WIPE THEIR ASSES BEFORE SHAKING HANDS? COME ON, MAN, THAT'S NOT COOL.

SLAYING BARBARIANS WORKS UP A NICE FROTHY BELCH FOR WOLVERINE.

REAL FUCKIN FUNNY GUY, THIS REDSKIN. REAL FUCKIN COMEDIAN.

WAIT, IS A SQUAW A CHICK? I THINK IT IS. YUP, IT IS. GOD DAMN IT. STUPID NON GENDER-NEUTRAL PRONOUNS.

THAT JOKE WORKS GREAT WHENEVER YOU'RE WITHIN SIGHT OF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT. TRUST ME, I KNOW. FROM EXPERIENCE.

HIGH FIVE!

WOLVERINE TELLS THE FUCKIN CAMERA CREW WHAT IS UP.

Shit is starting to hit the fan as weirdo, trickster native american asshole, the Adversary, rips a whole in the fabric of space time right above the butthead city of Dallas. The scant heroes left to defend reality against the unending horde of dinosaurs and barbarians and shit are the X-Men, not unlike the 300 buff, burly and shaved homoerotic Spartans who defended ancient Greece from the Persian armies of Xerxes at Hot Gates of Thermopylae. Hence, the title, Go Tell the Spartans (that their society is again safe for their rampant pedophilia and slavery to continue unabated). 

Honestly, fuck ancient Greece. It sounds like a real fucking piece of shit. 

Lots of cool fighting, as Freedom Force (the government sponsored but still bad guy group of mutants) and the X-Bags (good guys but branded villains by the LAME STREAM MEDIA and politicians), are forced to put aside their differences and protect the innocent Texans from randos that keep spilling out of the space-time rift and for some reason start attacking everything in sight. Hey, if I was some cro-magnon warrior all the sudden dumped into fucking shitty Dallas, I'd start attacking too. I don't know why the Texans from "our reality" are automatically assumed to be the ones worth saving. 

Actually, Claremont, pimpstar deluxe that he is, makes that point, as the Adversary is pretending to be a local redneck and starts killing peaceful Injuns who get in his way. SO WHO REALLY SHOULD BE SAVED???

It is implied that perhaps the noble savages, our red skinned cousins the Cheyenne, deserve salvation more so than their imperial white skinned oppressors, Manifest Destiny notwithstanding.

Meanwhile, the Adversary has also sequestered terrible Storm and Forge in an alternate reality and given them a choice: Stay in new perfect paradise and restart humanity anew in their own mold, or go back to their garbage world and possibly perish with it. Its a sweet Faustian bargain, and I clearly would have opted to stay in the new world and told old world to fuck off. But Storm and Forge are insufferably moral and give up paradise to save stink planet Earth. Great.

GOOD ISSUE. Double stuffed with more rad Silverstri panels and fantastically purple Claremontian prose. Even the coloring and lettering stand out as superb. Some real professionals but this little motherfucker together, I can tell you that.

Next issue we get the conclusion of THE BALLS OF THE MUTANTS (are inside their scrotum, where they belong, duh), which we readers can only assume involves the literal death of every X-Men, since thats what Destiny, the pre-cog (look it up), has been constantly telling everyone, including the X-Men, will happen in the final confrontation. So I guess this next one is the last X-Men comic book ever then, right? 

YEAH.

RIGHT.