WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:
DON'T FUCK WITH MAGNETO
IF YOU USE A SUBMARINE TO FUCK WITH MAGNETO, HE WILL KILL YOUR SUB AND THEN KILL A WHOLE TOWN
MAGNETO ALSO LIKES DRESSING UP HIS GUESTS IN TENTACLE THEMED FISH-COSTUMES
LETS FACE IT, YOU WANT TO STAY AWAY FROM MAGNETO FOR MANY REASONS
XAVIER IS STILL HANGING OUT WITH THAT ASS WOUND DR CORBEAU
MAGNETO IS A HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR. GREAT TWIST FOR THE EARLY 80'S, NOT SO PLAUSIBLE THESE DAYS.
OH GREAT, ANOTHER FUCKING STAR WARS REFERENCE AT THE END
STORM, GOD DAMN IT, YOU ARE THE BIGGEST SAGGING VAGINA IN SUPERHERO HISTORY. JUST KILL THE FUCKIN GUY ALREADY.
Recap: Ok, now we're talking. This issue is all about Magneto, or as Wolverine calls him, Bucket Head, and as his mom calls him 'whadya mean the abortion didn't take, how is that possible?'I probably could have found a better context for that joke but whatever.
So Magneto starts off by reminding everyone why he is such a bad ass and tells the entire world that hes going to take over and fuck you if you think otherwise. Of course the Russians fire missiles at him so he immediately sends that sub and it's whole crew to an icy death at the bottom of the ocean. Then, Magnet Breath causes a volcano to erupt underneath a small city in Sibera with a machine he invented to do this time of thing (why not? he's fucking Magneto, bitch). It's implied that he gave many of the inhabitants time to escape but I prefer to picture them all burning to fucking death as hot molten lava rains down upon their helpless souls. It's living hell, motherfuckers, and you are all fucked, BIG TIME.
The X-Males are not happy about this, obviously, and infiltrate this alien island headquarters. Cyclops is already there, "just by amazing fucking coincidence" with fellow shipwreckee, Lee Forrester, whose character is basically forgotten after this issue. No regular X-Man stuffings for you, lady. Anyway, the other X-Men are eventually discovered and theres 16 pages of awesome X-Man on Magneto violence, it being a double sized issue, and the X-men only win because Magneto thinks he kills Kitty and he is reminded of his own child being killed because off WWII and he runs away like a little bitch.
Of course Kitty is not dead and so once again it pays off to have a 13 year old chick around when fighting evil super villains. This also marks a turning point for Magneto as he continues on a path toward becoming a good guy afterwards. I was kind of digging the ruthless psychopath, Magneto, to be honest, but I guess there's only so far you can take that kind of character.
And the ending has what is probably the closest Claremont's come yet to a joke that's actually funny. Kitty plays a Yoda inspired prank with Colossus playing the unwitting straight man, whose deadpan delivery is pitch perfect. But, alas, 'comic book dialog' spoils the punch line. Part of that kind of scripting makes it fun but the other part makes it sound totally retarded. Here, listen:
Wolverine: "Use the Force" huh? Folks, I think we've just been suckered.
Kitty: Uh, guys, can't you take a joke?
Nightcrawler: Those, Katzchen, are what you call... FAMOUS LAST WORDS.
Nobody fuckin talks like that, come on! Whatever, still a much better issue than what we've been reading. I think theres some more crap coming up for a while, im not sure. Either way, I need to figure out a way to pick up the pace. This shit is taking way to long.
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