X-Men 166: live free or pie, delicious pie!

I choose pie! 3 cheers for sweet delicious pie and slavery!

WHAT THE BLACK NEBULA TAUGHT US TODAY:

A WHOLE BUNCH OF SHIT ABOUT GIANT SINGING ALIEN SPACE WHALES THAT I DONT MUCH FEEL LIKE EXPLAINING.

ONCE AGAIN, THE X-MEN SUCK AT BEING HEROES AND ARE SAVED BY A BUNCH OFDEUS EX MACHINA, INCLUDING GO-TO EX MACHINA FAVS, THE RIM JOBBERS, I MEAN STARJAMMERS.

THE STARJAMMERS' ROBOT HELICOPTER MEDIC TALKS LIKE YODA, EXCEPT MORE STUPID.

HEY WHO WANTS AN EXAMPLE OF THE STUPID YODA TALK? YOU DO? GREAT! HERE YOU GO: "PHYSICIAN, YOURS, AM I CURSED TO BE! IF NOT YOU, MY ORDERS OBEY, THEN RESPONSIBILITY I DENY, YOUR HEALTH THE STATE OF!"

WOOF. LOOK, IF YOU'RE GOING TO REVERSE THE STANDARD SUBJECT, VERB, OBJECT SENTENCE FORMATION THEN JUST FUCKING DO IT. DON'T FUCK AROUND WITH IT SO MUCH NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, SHIT.

KITTY'S FIRST MEETING WITH LOCKHEED IS A VERY TOUCHING MOMENT INDEED

Near as I can tell, the moral of this story is if you are ever infected by some evil alien sleazeoids (holy jesus is that a stupid word), your best bet it to plunge headlong into the alien scum's home planet, hoping some random ass shit will happen to save your ass, and if not, at least you're already at your new home with your new alien scum friends and relatives.

Because that basically what the X-Lumps do. There's also some dumb allegory about space whales and their souls being exploited by the Brood, like how humans exploit animals, I think. Or maybe not, who cares. Anyway, the X-Men walk into the "soul" of the Acanti, the singing space whales, and it cures them of the Brood's infection that was going to turn them into more Brood and then Binary and The Starslappers come and rescue them. And Kitty finds a pet fire breathing dragon because Kitty has no offensive powers and Claremont and the artists were getting tired of figured out what to do with Kitty's faggoty ass during battles, so now she can just have the dragon fuck shit up for her.

Speaking of artists, Paul Smith kicks more ass this issue. It sucks for Dave Cockrum that Smith finishes a 5 or 6 issue storyline for him because it's pretty easy to compare the two and come the conclusion that Paul Smith stomps a muddy butthole all over Dave Cockrum.

But at least Cockrum can say he helped create the motherfuckers, so don't feel too bad for him. Oh, also he's dead, so he doesn't mind, because he can't.

There was some other shit in this issue too (it was a double sized special, after all) but it's late and I forget and I don't feel like flipping back through the pages. Oh i remember one now, CLaremont uses the word "selfsame" for the first time, as far as I remember, which is funny because he uses it a lot and it's totally not a word at all.

Good issue though, despite a lot of fruity exposition about the space whales and what not.

Next issue, we go back to the Planit Erf! So long, fuckin space!

X-men 165: trans dong rication

WHAT CAN SUCK ONE FOR SPORT AND PLEASURE:

WELL THIS SHOULD BE FUN - ITS 330 AND IM SOZZLED

FIRST OF ALL, WOLVERINE SHOULD not BE ABLE TO USE HIS CLAWS TO STOP HIM FLYING INTO THE HOLE IN THE HULL. HIS CLAWS SHOULD RIP THROUGH THE SPACECRAFT MATERIAL LIKE BUTTER. HORSESHIT I SAY.

SECOND OF ALL, CYCLOPS, GREAT LEADER THOUGH HE IS, SHOULD not BE ABLE TO BE HEARD OVER THE DIN OF THE TORNADO LIKE SUCTION WIND THATS FUCKING UP THE ENTIRE SPACECRAFT.

STEVEHUNTER AND MOIRA ARE JUST GOING TO RELAX POOLSIDE WHILE X-MEN ARE DEFYING DEATH UP IN SPACE?!?!?! REALLY???? SEAWARD, BOTH OF THEM

COLOSSUS AND KITTY, SCANDOLOUS, FOR REAL.

TYPOSE ABOUND, FUCK IT.

So, strom knows theres a brood growing her, and her solution is to fly, in a space ship, into the galactic core. so, that should vaporize her, but instead she melds, or something, with a giant space whale names an acanti. this happens.

then storm shows up in spirit form to the x knobs and its weird. then wolverine tells knocght crawler that hes an atheist, BECASUE HE IS AWESOME. then everyone fucks around like giant pussiews.

then theyre all like, why is storm here, she should be dead. then kitty has an awesome scene where she contemplates death, and claremont does his best work and says (thru colossus): " we are dying kitty, what you do not comprehend, is that we are dying from the moment off birth, indeed from the instant of conception. creation bears within itself the seeds of its own destruction. our lives are finite things. we live our alloted spans and no more."

fuckin a right. then thery make out. thats fucking wrong for a 19 year old and a 14 year old. sorry its true, weirdos.

then they get swallowed by the giant space whale that has mearged its sole with storm and its like, fuck this, next issue please.

also its paul smith the artist not dave cockrum, so its a million times better. smith gets better in the next issues but i think its also the inker, bob wiack getting more comfortable than anything. either way im done typing this shit and go ahead and fuck all this shit. touchdown x-men. good night and extra point for everyone;. SPACE TOUCHDOWNS THAT IS>

X-Men 164: BINARY FARTS - toot! toot!

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS SPACE ISSUE:

THE WHOLE ISSUE IS ONE BIG SPACE FIGHT! PEW PEW PEW!

THE BROOD ARE CHASING THE X-DONGS IN THEIR SHI'AR SPACE YACHT. THE BROOD DON'T WANT TO KILL THE X-MEN BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN INSEMINATED WITH BABY BROODS AND THE X-MEN DON'T WANT TO KILL THE BROOD BECAUSE THEY'RE GREAT BIG PUSSIES AND IT GOES AGAINST THE MORAL CODE. LOOKS LIKE WE GOT US SPACE BATTLE BETWEEN A COUPLA FACKIN QUEEAHS!

CAROL DANVERS TURNS INTO BINARY - A COSMIC SUPERHERO WHOSE POWER "TAPS INTO A WHITE HOLE - HER ENERGY SOURCE IS THE PRIMAL FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE." YEAH I'D LIKE TO TAP INTO HER "WHITE HOLE" IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. (FYI, A WHITE HOLE IS A BLEACHED ANUS. I JUST MADE THAT UP BUT ITS ALSO A FACT I'M PRETTY SURE.)

ALSO CHECK OUT ALL THIS GOD DAMN SCI-FI TECHNO-BABBLE: "VELOCITY: POINT FOUR LIGHT AND INCREASING." "TACTICAL PROJECTION IS THAT THE TARGET WILL SHIFT INTO WARP AS SOON AS IT IS ABLE. MY CADRE LACKS FASTER THAN LIGHT CAPABILITY." "AS LONG AS WE REMAIN SUB-LIGHT, WE CAN'T OUT RUN THEM. AND WE ARE STILL TOO DEEP WITHIN THIS STAR'S GRAVITY WELL TO SHIFT INTO WARP SPACE." THERES WAY MORE BUT I DONT FEEL LIKE LOOKING THEM AND COPYING THE DOWN ANYMORE.

IF YOU MISSED THE ISSUE WHERE COLOSSUS' SISTER GETS KIDNAPPED IN HELL, XAVIER HAS A TIDY LITTLE EXPOSITORY RECAP FOR YOU: "ACCORDING TO MOIRA, ILLYANA WAS ABDUCTED BY A DEMON-LORD NAMED BELASCO AND HELD FOR SEVEN YEARS IN HIS MYSTIC DOMAIN, THOUGH ONLY MOMENTS PASSED HERE ON EARTH." OH OK, THATS EXPLAINS IT, THEN.

MY FAVORITE PART IS THE LAST PAGE THERE X-MEN NEED SAVING SO BINARY IS LIKE, "I'LL DO IT" AND THEN FLIES OUT OF THE SPACE YACHT, BUSTING A HUGE WHOLE THROUGH THE HULL IN THE PROCESS AND CREATING A DEADLY VACUUM THAT STARTS SUCKING ALL THE X-MEN OUT TO AN ICY COLD IMMINENT DEATH. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING, BINARY, YOU JACKASS?

WOLVERINE IS STILL THE ONLY X-MEN WITH ANY FUCKING BALLS!

There is some good space action and drama in this issue, but plotwise, nothing happens of any consequence and the X-Men especially don't do shit. They are under attack and are outgunned and totally screwed, until Carol Danvers, with very little explanation, just turns into a super powerful cosmic being and saves all their asses. Then Wolverine finally tells the X-Dopes they have Brood fetuses growing inside them and they all freak, especially Storm, who runs away in an escape pod like a big baby. So then Binary flies off to save the day but, like I mentioned, smashes a whole in the wall and the issue ends in a cliffhanger with all the X-Bags getting sucked out into space.

You know, I figure transforming from a normal human into an all-powerful space being would be pretty traumatic, but does it also render you completely retarded in the process? What the fuck is the matter with you, Binary. You are so dumb. You are really dumb. For real. So you can run and tell that, home boy.

And the hemming and hawing and bullshit the X-Men go through regarding their reluctance to kill the Brood is pure agony, because IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. It's not illegal or immoral to kill someone in self defense. These fucking idiots deserve to be flayed alive by the rapacious alien big fiends just for being such fucking assholes about it. You god damn pussies. Fucking sack up.

Anyway, college football is on and I'm getting distracted. Oh look, Alabama is playing Duke. Let's go pound those nerds! Yeah!

NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS!

X-Men 163: Rescue Mitzvah!

What we learned this mission:

WOLVERINE IS STILL A BAD ASS

CYCLOPS IS BEING A WHINY POOS POONANY AND DOESNT WANT WOLVERINE TO KILL THE QUEEN ALIEN. WHAT THE FUCK CYCLOPS, ITS NOT HUMAN, ITS A REMORSELESS SLAUGHTERING MACHINE, THERE IS NO MORAL DILEMMA, KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER ALREADY.

MY FIRST PET WILL BE NAMED REMORSELESS SLAUGHTERING MACHINE

I'M NOT KIDDING, I WILL REALLY NAME IT THAT

HAVOK ACTS OUT HIS IMPOTENT RAGE BY BLASTING SOME INNOCENT TWO-BY-FOURS. GROW UP, HAVOK.

THERE IS A 3 PAGE SCENE OF KITTY RUNNING AWAY FROM A BROOD ALIEN THAT BLATANTLY COPIES SIGOURNEY WEAVER'S LAST SCENE IN THE MOVIE ALIEN. MORE IMPORTANTLY, KITTY'S 14 YEAR OLD BOSOMS ARE PRACTICALLY SPILLING OUT OF HER TORN DRESS. WHATS UP WITH THE KIDDIE PORN. WAIT, KITTY PORN, KIDDIE PORN, WOW I JUST THOUGHT OF THAT!

CYCLOPS: SO LILANDRA, TIME TO GO HOME IN OUR SPACE SHIP NOW?

LILANDRA: NOT SO FAST CYCLOPS, ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN WHY NOT WITH SOME MADE-UP TECHNO BABBLE SPACE JARGON. YOU SEE, WE ARE STILL TOO DEEP WITHIN THE SOLAR GRAVITY WELL TO SHIFT INTO WARP SPACE. WHILE WE REMAIN AT SUBLIGHT VELOCITIES, WE ARE VULNERABLE.

CYCLOPS: YEAH, WHATEVER, BITCH.

Cosair really does look like a SUPER DUPER gay space pirate, although he is apparently banging his fellow 'Starjammer' who is a female cat person with a big skunk tail. I'm not sure if that's better than just being gay for male humans.

Anyway, in a cut scene back at earth, Havok recaps all the events leading up to now, so why not let him explain what the fuck is up with the X-Tards in space? Take it away lamer younger brother of Cyclops: "The X-men and Empress Lilandra have been kidnapped. Lilandra's sister, Deathbird, is making a bid to seize the Shi'ar throne. That whole galactic empire is coming apart at the seams, as everyone chooses sides. Evidently, Deathbird allied herself with a race of aliens from beyond known space, the Brood."

Man, isn't expository dialog sweet? And now the Brood have injected all the X-Mans with their seed and only Wolverine was able to cure himself with his mutant healing factor. Even so, he rescues the rest of his infected X-Men and they escape with Lilandra on her space yacht (though they don't know yet that they are infected by Brood sperms. Ew sick, I hate Brood sperms!)

Nothing too important happens, except for the X-Men all acting like a bunch of queers except Wolverine, who has no qualms executing evil bug like killer aliens. I seriously don't understand how you can say killing these things is wrong. Well, besides the fact that is a fucking ridiculous made up comic book. BUT IF IT WERE REAL!!!!

Sorry, I just started hyperventalting and had to chug a 2 liter of Mountain Dew to calm myself down.

Anyway, the X-Men are in space, infected with alien sperm, and the last panel is their space yacht (I would kill my parents to own a real space yacht, just by the by) being targeted by aliens and about to be blown up. Yawn. Not too worried.

Hey when you guys here the opening guitar part to Katy Perry's Teenage Peen, doesn't it remind you of the superior song, Lazy Eye, by the Silversun Pickups? Well, my point is this: I would totally bone both the Silversun Pickups' bassist AND Katy Perry. Both at the same time if I have to. I'll show no favorites. That's just the kind of guy I am. I do it not for the mind blowing, ball draining orgasms, but because its the RIGHT thing to do.

Also Cyclops is still the best X-Man.

X-Men 162: Beyonce the Farting Star!

WHAT WE DISCOVER BEYOND THE FARTHEST GOD DAMN STAR IN THE FRIGGIN UNIVERSE:

FIRST PERSON NARRATION BY WOLVERINE IS PRETTY DOPE. YOU MAY BE ON TO SOMETHING HERE, CLAREMONT.

DEATHBIRD LAID A STASIS BOMB ON THE X-MENS ASSES AND FUCKED THEM ALL UP. AH SHIT! I FUCKING HATE STASIS BOMBS!

ALL OF THE X-CHODES, INCLUDING WOLVERINE, HAVE BEEN INFECTED BY THE QUEEN BROOD ALIEN AND WILL TURN INTO ALIENS UNLESS THEY CAN FIGURE A WAY TO STOP THE TRANSFORMATION. HEY THAT SOUNDS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE A MOVIE THAT CAME OUT 4 YEARS AFTER THIS COMIC DID, PROBABLY BECAUSE JAMES CAMERON IS AN UNORIGINAL BASTARD NOT UNLIKE TOLL BOOTH WILLIE'S TORMENTORS.

CLAREMONT HAS EVERY CHARACTER CALL THE BROOD, 'SLEAZOIDS'. WOOF!

WOLVERINE IS THE BEST AT WHAT HE DOES... BUT WHAT HE DOES BEST, ISN'T VERY NICE. AH DUH HICKEY, TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW WHY DON'T YOU?

AWESOME WOLVERINE QUOTE: "I REMEMBER MY HALLUCINATION ABOUT KILLING KITTY. IF I HAVE TO - IF SHE CAN'T BE CURED - I'LL DO IT. I'LL... KILL THEM ALL. MY FRIENDS." HEY, WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE, RIGHT? RIGHT? AMIRIGHT?

TERRIBLE WOLVERINE QUOTE: "WHEN YOU'RE COMDEMNED TO HELL, DOES IT REALLY MATTER WHETHER THE FLAMES THAT BURN YOU ARE A MILLION DEGREES HOT OR A BILLION? EITHER WAY, IT HURTS." GOOD POINT, DIPSHIT.

WOLVERINE QUOTE THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TYPICAL EXCUSE TO BINGE DRINK: "AGAIN, AGONY... BURNING, GROWING WITHIN ME, CORRUPTING MY BODY, MURDERING ME. I'VE BEEN WOUNDED - TOO OFTEN TO COUNT - BUT I'VE NEVER ENDURED ANYTHING EQUAL TO THIS. I HUNGER FOR OBLIVION - ANYTHING TO TAKE THE PAIN AWAY - BUT THAT RELEASE IS DENIED ME." BOTTOMS UP!

I THOUGHT I HAD TO TAKE A NASTY DUMP ONCE BUT IT TURNED OUT TO JUST BE A LONG PEE AND A BIG FART.

I wasn't too keen on this issue at first but it definitely grew on me. Most of it was just taking the Wolverine dialog at face value. As long as you don't expect too much from it, enjoy the camp, comic book qualities, while still appreciating the fact that Wolverine is a crazy berserker son of a bitch who knows that he'll kill all these aliens and stab his friends and team mates to death with his razor sharp fucking claws if he has to, its pretty damn cool.

And Wolverine's perspective is always fun, especially since this was before overexposure completely ruined his character. A whole comic devoted to Wolverine was a rare treat back then. Not like now, where they made him join the Avengers. THE MOTHERFUCKING AVENEGERS. That is so incredibly fucked I don't even know where to begin.

Anyways, Wolverine's healing factor killed the Brood infestation in him and know he's got to rescue the rest of the X-Men, who are all being held captive by the Brood up in their giant floating dead bug space station. ALIENS AND SPACE AND ADAMANDTIUM CLAWS, WHOOPEE!

Now I gotta go see about the shit that is perhaps just more pee and farts.

X-Men Annual 5: ooh la la badoon

THEY REALLY CALLED THIS SHIT OOH LA LA BADOON! FUCK ME!

SO THE FANTASTIC FOURSKIN AND THE X-KNOBS FIGHT SOME LIZARD ALIENS

ALSO I'M DRUNK WHEN I DID THIS AND THE CARTOON

THE CARTOON IS PRETTY SWEET, IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF

DID I MENTION I'M FUCKIN SAUCED UP?

Claremont didnt give a shit about the annuals, yet anyway, but i must say, this one was allright. theres something to be said for being able to take a stupid premise like arkon the barbarian and the evil lizard men the badoon and making a decent comic with them and the x-men and the ff. so terrible premise and nothing noteworthy but, ya know i knid of liket it.

plus college football season started and guess what? im fuckin sozzled.

so this can go ahead and buttfuck itself and im done. touchdown for beers.

X-Men 161: Gold Rush 'N' Attack

WHAT THE NAZIS TAUGHT US THIS ISSUE:

XAVIER FOUGHT OFF THE DEADLY BROOD ALIEN GROWING IN HIS BODY WITH HIS MIND. GREAT JOB CHUCKY.

WHISLT FIGHTING, XAVIER HALLUCINATED BACK TO A TIME IN THE PAST WHEN HE FIRST MET MAGNETO AND THE FOUGHT OFF EVIL NAZIS (AS IF THERE ANY OTHER KIND).

THIS REALLY HAPPENED, THOUGH XAVIER WAS ONLY REMEMBERING IT IN HIS MIND!

THE EVIL NAZIS OF THE PAST ARE CALLED HYDRA, WHICH STILL EXIST IN THE MARVEL UNI TODAY. HEY COOL STORY, LOSER.

NAZIS, GOLD, JEWISH AND BALD MUTANTS, THERES A JOKE IN THERE SOMEWHERE BUT I'M FEELING REALLY LAZY TODAY.

HOWEVER STORM AND CYCLOPS DO SHARE A VERY TENDER MOMENT PAGE 4

Over-arching plotwise, the important events in this issue happen on the last two pages, where Xavier comes out of his evil alien induced coma and announces he is no longer an infected host to the killer bug aliens the Brood. It was the power of his love for his bird alien empress girlfriend that helped him pull through, you see. The more important events continuity wise, critically for the character development of Magento, is the flashback Charles has that reveals Magneto as a Holocaust survivor. This allows him to escape the one dimensional silver age trappings of 'evil villain bent on world domination just for the smell of it' and recasts him as a tragic, misguided vigilante, hoping to secure peace and stability for mutant-kind that was never afforded to his other people, the Jews.

Or something like that, I'm yawning just typing this up. Theres a lot more shit in the flashback too, with Nazis all over the place, and another old GF of Xavier's and some evil Nazi named Baron von Strucker (Strucker? I hardly evink know her) but whatever, I don't feel like getting into all of it. This issue is kind of a big deal though, cause without it, the billion dollar X-Men movies with Magento as a bad guy would be a whole lot different.

And then at the very end, the Brood and Deathbirdbitch show up again and LOOKS LIKE WE'RE HEADED BACK TO FUCKING SPACE! (say, is that the longest I've ever gone without cursing in one of these things before? I it just may fuckin be!)

Also Cockrum is back for his last continuous run on the title. So of course there is also a scene where everyone gets funky new costumes. And Storm doesn't look black and Kitty doesn't look Jewish.

SO I'LL SEE Y'ALL BITCHES UP IN SPACE REAL FUCKIN SOON.

X-Men 160: LIVE! DIRECT FROM HELL!

THIS ISSUE... IN HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLL:

SOME GUY NAMED NAMED TABASCO (I MEAN BELASCO) DRAGS THE X-MEN TO HELL! OR AS THEY CALL IT BECAUSE COMICS ARE FOR PUSSY LITTLE KIDS, LIMBO!

BELASCO LOOKS LIKE A FRUIT CAKE!

S'YM, BELASCO'S ENFORCER, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS ONE SCARY ASS, UNSTOPPABLE, AMORAL, DEMON-PIG!

THERE ARE SO MANY AWESOME THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN THIS ISSUE, I'M GOING TO LIST THEM ALL IN THE RECAP!

ALSO COLOSSUS' 7 YEAR OLD SISTER SPEND SEVEN YEARS GETTING RAPED IN HELL. WHAAAAAA???

So much awesome shit happens in this issue, I'm going to run down the events as fast as possible, pointing out all the AWESOME bits as they occur. This comic came out in the summer of 1982, just by the by.

The X-Men are practicing at their new headquarters, an abandoned Atlantean city (AWESOME) raised from the sea floor by Magneto, who has since gone someplace else, conveniently allowed the X-Men to move in after their X-Mansion got destroyed by space bugs (AWESOME).

An evil villain's demon hand then beckons Colossus' seven year old sister, Illyana to come toward him, which she does as we witness from the creepy's pedophile demon's point of view (AWESOME, kinda). Kitty goes after Illyana and get teleported to hell herself. None of the other X-Men notice but Storm is tired, so she strips buck naked (AWESOME) and takes a shower. Then the rest of the X-Men get sucked into hell.

Hell is freaky looking and everything is made out of bones and shit (AWESOME). Then creepy molester Nightcrawler feels up Kitty's training bra mounds (AWESOME). Kitty runs away and trips on bones and falls right in front of a seated Belasco, so that from our perspective she is kneeling directly in front of his crotch (AWESOME).

Storm is attacked by a yawning hell chasm's many tentacles (AWESOME). Belasco summons S'ym, who breaks a claw off of Wolverine's adamantium skeleton (AWESOME) and picks his teeth with it (AWESOME). That was what Kitty tripped on earlier (AWESOME).

Belasco then rips Kitty's bones out of her body while using sorcery to keep the rest of her flesh in one piece (AWESOME). Kitty's bone's then wave to Kitty's body (AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME).

Regular Nightcrawler fights pedo-Nightcrawler and Wolverine battles S'ym. While doing so Wolverine notices Colossus' old decroded corpse (AWESOME). Then everybody gets in a big fight together and they are saved by old Sorceress Storm. See the way it works in hell is time flows differently, and it's one of those Twilight Zone twists things where, in hell, YOU'VE ACTUALLY BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME! BWA HAHA - and the X-Men either died or turned evil/molestery, except Storm, who has an indomitable will (remember from last issue with Dracula?). So she's able to fend evil forces of hell off while all the regular X-Dongs escape with Illyana EXCEPT for in the first 3 panels on the second to last page when Illyana get's stuck right before she can be teleported out and then a couple seconds later they manage to pull her out, but NOW, the 7 year old girl is a 13 year old young lady. Cause of the TIME THING. WOW, AWESOME.

SO YOU SEE? FULL OF AWESOME.

Maybe I come a little too enthusiastic for the kiddie rape, and none of that probably made any sense, but trust me, it's awesome (especially if you love kiddie rape, well, IMPLIED kidd rape that is. And I know WE ALL love implied kiddie rape, right?).

What else is great? Well this issue was called Chutes and Ladders, which plays off the idea of a kids game because innocence is lost, and also for the funky way time and the X-Men kept getting shuffled around.

Also this issue was not drawn by Dave Cockrum (sorry Dave, you've got a great imagination but you sequential art is doo doo).

Also, 7 year old girls are worthless comic characters, so Claremont took Colossus' sister, sent her to hell, implied that she was raped by demons for 7 years, and presto chango: 13 year old Sorceress babe with magical powers! And a potential tribbing partner for Kitty Pryde! Nice!

This issue was also part of a broader company-wide strategy to adopt some psuedo Lovecraftian evil gods/great old ones mythos into the Marvel Universe. This was easier to do back when you only had a dozen or so MU books to worry about, and one off the important editors, I forget which, was also writing the Conan the Barbarian liscenced books for Marvel (before the movies), and wanted to tie that universe and the superheros together, and use Lovecraft and hell and what not to do it. THATS AWESOME! so of course the efforts got aborted, but still, pretty fuckin sweet.

Anyway, there's way more, but I don't feel like typing anymore. Just remember that Claremont was the shit because of stuff like this, in a comic book for kids back in 1982. Pedo-demons! 7 year olds + magical powers + rape! This one had it all!

Also I forgot to mention how happy I was that in last issue, Sienkiewicz, the artist, finally figured out how to draw Storm so that she actually looked like a black chick. When you're reading this issues in black and white reprints, you never realize how obvious this artistic shortcoming is.

Anyway, whatever, next issue is pretty dope too. Maybe start MS Painting and writing before midnight so I have time to do a decent job. BUT PROBABLY NOT.