WHAT WE LEARNED THIS SPACE ISSUE:
THE WHOLE ISSUE IS ONE BIG SPACE FIGHT! PEW PEW PEW!
THE BROOD ARE CHASING THE X-DONGS IN THEIR SHI'AR SPACE YACHT. THE BROOD DON'T WANT TO KILL THE X-MEN BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN INSEMINATED WITH BABY BROODS AND THE X-MEN DON'T WANT TO KILL THE BROOD BECAUSE THEY'RE GREAT BIG PUSSIES AND IT GOES AGAINST THE MORAL CODE. LOOKS LIKE WE GOT US SPACE BATTLE BETWEEN A COUPLA FACKIN QUEEAHS!
CAROL DANVERS TURNS INTO BINARY - A COSMIC SUPERHERO WHOSE POWER "TAPS INTO A WHITE HOLE - HER ENERGY SOURCE IS THE PRIMAL FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE." YEAH I'D LIKE TO TAP INTO HER "WHITE HOLE" IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. (FYI, A WHITE HOLE IS A BLEACHED ANUS. I JUST MADE THAT UP BUT ITS ALSO A FACT I'M PRETTY SURE.)
ALSO CHECK OUT ALL THIS GOD DAMN SCI-FI TECHNO-BABBLE: "VELOCITY: POINT FOUR LIGHT AND INCREASING." "TACTICAL PROJECTION IS THAT THE TARGET WILL SHIFT INTO WARP AS SOON AS IT IS ABLE. MY CADRE LACKS FASTER THAN LIGHT CAPABILITY." "AS LONG AS WE REMAIN SUB-LIGHT, WE CAN'T OUT RUN THEM. AND WE ARE STILL TOO DEEP WITHIN THIS STAR'S GRAVITY WELL TO SHIFT INTO WARP SPACE." THERES WAY MORE BUT I DONT FEEL LIKE LOOKING THEM AND COPYING THE DOWN ANYMORE.
IF YOU MISSED THE ISSUE WHERE COLOSSUS' SISTER GETS KIDNAPPED IN HELL, XAVIER HAS A TIDY LITTLE EXPOSITORY RECAP FOR YOU: "ACCORDING TO MOIRA, ILLYANA WAS ABDUCTED BY A DEMON-LORD NAMED BELASCO AND HELD FOR SEVEN YEARS IN HIS MYSTIC DOMAIN, THOUGH ONLY MOMENTS PASSED HERE ON EARTH." OH OK, THATS EXPLAINS IT, THEN.
MY FAVORITE PART IS THE LAST PAGE THERE X-MEN NEED SAVING SO BINARY IS LIKE, "I'LL DO IT" AND THEN FLIES OUT OF THE SPACE YACHT, BUSTING A HUGE WHOLE THROUGH THE HULL IN THE PROCESS AND CREATING A DEADLY VACUUM THAT STARTS SUCKING ALL THE X-MEN OUT TO AN ICY COLD IMMINENT DEATH. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING, BINARY, YOU JACKASS?
WOLVERINE IS STILL THE ONLY X-MEN WITH ANY FUCKING BALLS!
There is some good space action and drama in this issue, but plotwise, nothing happens of any consequence and the X-Men especially don't do shit. They are under attack and are outgunned and totally screwed, until Carol Danvers, with very little explanation, just turns into a super powerful cosmic being and saves all their asses. Then Wolverine finally tells the X-Dopes they have Brood fetuses growing inside them and they all freak, especially Storm, who runs away in an escape pod like a big baby. So then Binary flies off to save the day but, like I mentioned, smashes a whole in the wall and the issue ends in a cliffhanger with all the X-Bags getting sucked out into space.You know, I figure transforming from a normal human into an all-powerful space being would be pretty traumatic, but does it also render you completely retarded in the process? What the fuck is the matter with you, Binary. You are so dumb. You are really dumb. For real. So you can run and tell that, home boy.
And the hemming and hawing and bullshit the X-Men go through regarding their reluctance to kill the Brood is pure agony, because IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. It's not illegal or immoral to kill someone in self defense. These fucking idiots deserve to be flayed alive by the rapacious alien big fiends just for being such fucking assholes about it. You god damn pussies. Fucking sack up.
Anyway, college football is on and I'm getting distracted. Oh look, Alabama is playing Duke. Let's go pound those nerds! Yeah!
NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS!
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