X-Men 160: LIVE! DIRECT FROM HELL!

THIS ISSUE... IN HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLL:

SOME GUY NAMED NAMED TABASCO (I MEAN BELASCO) DRAGS THE X-MEN TO HELL! OR AS THEY CALL IT BECAUSE COMICS ARE FOR PUSSY LITTLE KIDS, LIMBO!

BELASCO LOOKS LIKE A FRUIT CAKE!

S'YM, BELASCO'S ENFORCER, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS ONE SCARY ASS, UNSTOPPABLE, AMORAL, DEMON-PIG!

THERE ARE SO MANY AWESOME THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN THIS ISSUE, I'M GOING TO LIST THEM ALL IN THE RECAP!

ALSO COLOSSUS' 7 YEAR OLD SISTER SPEND SEVEN YEARS GETTING RAPED IN HELL. WHAAAAAA???

So much awesome shit happens in this issue, I'm going to run down the events as fast as possible, pointing out all the AWESOME bits as they occur. This comic came out in the summer of 1982, just by the by.

The X-Men are practicing at their new headquarters, an abandoned Atlantean city (AWESOME) raised from the sea floor by Magneto, who has since gone someplace else, conveniently allowed the X-Men to move in after their X-Mansion got destroyed by space bugs (AWESOME).

An evil villain's demon hand then beckons Colossus' seven year old sister, Illyana to come toward him, which she does as we witness from the creepy's pedophile demon's point of view (AWESOME, kinda). Kitty goes after Illyana and get teleported to hell herself. None of the other X-Men notice but Storm is tired, so she strips buck naked (AWESOME) and takes a shower. Then the rest of the X-Men get sucked into hell.

Hell is freaky looking and everything is made out of bones and shit (AWESOME). Then creepy molester Nightcrawler feels up Kitty's training bra mounds (AWESOME). Kitty runs away and trips on bones and falls right in front of a seated Belasco, so that from our perspective she is kneeling directly in front of his crotch (AWESOME).

Storm is attacked by a yawning hell chasm's many tentacles (AWESOME). Belasco summons S'ym, who breaks a claw off of Wolverine's adamantium skeleton (AWESOME) and picks his teeth with it (AWESOME). That was what Kitty tripped on earlier (AWESOME).

Belasco then rips Kitty's bones out of her body while using sorcery to keep the rest of her flesh in one piece (AWESOME). Kitty's bone's then wave to Kitty's body (AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME).

Regular Nightcrawler fights pedo-Nightcrawler and Wolverine battles S'ym. While doing so Wolverine notices Colossus' old decroded corpse (AWESOME). Then everybody gets in a big fight together and they are saved by old Sorceress Storm. See the way it works in hell is time flows differently, and it's one of those Twilight Zone twists things where, in hell, YOU'VE ACTUALLY BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME! BWA HAHA - and the X-Men either died or turned evil/molestery, except Storm, who has an indomitable will (remember from last issue with Dracula?). So she's able to fend evil forces of hell off while all the regular X-Dongs escape with Illyana EXCEPT for in the first 3 panels on the second to last page when Illyana get's stuck right before she can be teleported out and then a couple seconds later they manage to pull her out, but NOW, the 7 year old girl is a 13 year old young lady. Cause of the TIME THING. WOW, AWESOME.

SO YOU SEE? FULL OF AWESOME.

Maybe I come a little too enthusiastic for the kiddie rape, and none of that probably made any sense, but trust me, it's awesome (especially if you love kiddie rape, well, IMPLIED kidd rape that is. And I know WE ALL love implied kiddie rape, right?).

What else is great? Well this issue was called Chutes and Ladders, which plays off the idea of a kids game because innocence is lost, and also for the funky way time and the X-Men kept getting shuffled around.

Also this issue was not drawn by Dave Cockrum (sorry Dave, you've got a great imagination but you sequential art is doo doo).

Also, 7 year old girls are worthless comic characters, so Claremont took Colossus' sister, sent her to hell, implied that she was raped by demons for 7 years, and presto chango: 13 year old Sorceress babe with magical powers! And a potential tribbing partner for Kitty Pryde! Nice!

This issue was also part of a broader company-wide strategy to adopt some psuedo Lovecraftian evil gods/great old ones mythos into the Marvel Universe. This was easier to do back when you only had a dozen or so MU books to worry about, and one off the important editors, I forget which, was also writing the Conan the Barbarian liscenced books for Marvel (before the movies), and wanted to tie that universe and the superheros together, and use Lovecraft and hell and what not to do it. THATS AWESOME! so of course the efforts got aborted, but still, pretty fuckin sweet.

Anyway, there's way more, but I don't feel like typing anymore. Just remember that Claremont was the shit because of stuff like this, in a comic book for kids back in 1982. Pedo-demons! 7 year olds + magical powers + rape! This one had it all!

Also I forgot to mention how happy I was that in last issue, Sienkiewicz, the artist, finally figured out how to draw Storm so that she actually looked like a black chick. When you're reading this issues in black and white reprints, you never realize how obvious this artistic shortcoming is.

Anyway, whatever, next issue is pretty dope too. Maybe start MS Painting and writing before midnight so I have time to do a decent job. BUT PROBABLY NOT.