X-Men 205: Wolf, there it is

What we learned this issue besides that I just saw that commercial about the phones where they talk about the song Whoomp There It Is.

BARRY WINDSOR-SMITH (BWS) FUCKING WRECKS HOUSE ALL ISSUE. HE PENCILS, INKS AND COLORS THE SHIT OUT OF THIS BITCH. WAY TO GO BARRY.

WOLVERINE ALSO KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF SOME TRIFLING CYBORG BITCHES.

ITS THE SAME CYBORGS THAT WERE ONCE THE HELLFIRE CLUB FLUNKIES THAT WOLVERINE RIPPED TO PIECES WAY BACK DURING THE DARK PHOENIX SAGA. WOLVERINE JUST KEEPS FUCKING KILLING THEM. WOLVERINE IS NEVER NOT SLICING UP COLE, MACON AND REESE (THOSE ARE THE CYBORG'S NAMES, FYI).

SOME LITTLE SLUT FROM POWER PACK IS ALSO THERE FOR SOME REASON.

WOLVERINE WANDERS AROUND DAZED AND MOSTLY NAKED FOR MOST OF THE ISSUE.

LADY DEATHSTRIKE (LOOK HER UP ON WIKIPEDIA, I HAD TO), WANTS REVENGE ON WOLVERINE AND SO TAKES HER TEAM OF CYBORGS AROUND TRYING TO KILL HIM. SHE IS NOT AN ATTRACTIVE CYBORG KILLING MACHINE.

IF YOU'RE WONDERING IF I ENJOYED THIS ISSUE SINCE IT WAS SO FULL OF CYBORGS: I DID!

I DIDN'T EVEN PUT A STUPID FUCKING CAPTION ON THAT SCANNED IMAGE BECAUSE IT WAS JUST THAT FUCKING BAD ASS!

SERIOUSLY, LOOK AT ALL THAT FUCKING BLOOD!

THEN WOLVEROONIE AND THE LITTLE GIRL HOLD HANDS LIKE A COUPLE OF PUSSIES.

This issue ruled for obvious reasons. The Power Pack girl was useless and Claremont's text was often pretty useless (why have someone's thoughts narrate exactly what we see on the page? useless), but its 24 pages of BWS's Wolverine fucking up gun toting cyborgs. What's not to love?

It's not really explained how Spiral magics adamantium claws and a cyborg body onto Lady Deathstrike, who I guess used to be a more normal female villain that Claremont and BWS decided they would appropriate and cyborg up for their own purposes, but she does and that's probably why Spiral exists, to magic around pesky plot points. Claremont and BWS also made Cole, Macon and Reese a lot cooler looking and ditching their allright but uninspiring Hellfire Club goon kits.

Besides the new and badder assed villains, nothing terribly significant happens in this issue. Eventually Wolverine and the kid prevail and beat the bad guys. It's never explained how this fight starts but its not really important. Or maybe it is explained and I forgot already.

Point is, Wolverine's claws go SNIKT when they extend and SNAKT when the retract.

WOLVERINE FUCKS SHIT UP. THIS IS KNOWN.

X-Men 204: Where the frig, Nightcrawler?

What we learned this issue besides what the motherfuck happened to motherfucking Nightcrawler.

Actually I never found out what happened to Nightcrawler. He was in some miniseries that I never read and will most likely never read either. Claremont didn't write it so who gives a shit, right? Not fucking me, that's who. Anyways.

NIGHTCRAWLER LOVES TO BROOD AND IMPERSONATE GARGOYLES AND POOP.

NIGHTCRAWLER'S NAME IS WAY TOO LONG. THAT IS GOING TO GET ANNOYING.

NIGHTDUMPER BREAKS UP WITH HIS HOT ASS STEWARDESS GIRLFRIEND. WHO IS ALSO HIS STEP SISTER. AND IS ALSO A WITCH. FUCKIN COMICS, AMIRITE?

SOME COED JOGGER NEEDS SOME AMODIUM

ARCADE IS IS STILL COMPLETELY WACKJOB.

REAL DIALOGUE TAKEN FROM THE BOOK VERBATIM: "BACK OFF YOU BRAWNY, BRUTAL, BACK-STABBING BOZOS!" YOU TELL 'EM NIGHTPOOPER!

YOU CAN EASILY THINK OF SOME RACIAL SLURS TO GO SOMEWHERE IN NIGHTCRAWLER'S NAME, BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE INDULGING IN RAYCESS JOKES RIGHT NOW.

This issue is all over the place. Claremont's basically turned the X-Men into an anthology series at this point. With so many characters and storylines being juggled at once, he looses track of the main narrative. Part of that is due to those bullshit Secret Wars crossovers, part of it is Claremont's been writing X-Men for close to 10 years now. The disjointed feeling is exacerbated by the fill in artists. Some fucking guy called Brigman who I know nothing about (though it's inked by future super star, now pedestrian workman, While Portacio) pencils this ish. He's aight.

It's not necessarily a bad thing but this issue doesn't shine. Mostly is molders. After abruptly breaking up with his girlfriend, Amanda Sefton, who isn't seen again for a while, Nightcrawler goes on a solo adventure with some random chick named Judith, who is kidnapped by Arcade, that stupid asshole who Claremont seems to have a boner for.

They then fight 19th Century mounted Calvary, WWI bi-planes, a shark, Mad Max style dune buggies and a pack of modern day knife wielding Asian gangsters. Oh and Arcade wears a dress for some reason.

But Nightdonger saves the day, then there's some weird ass cliffhanger, and next issue is another Barry Windsor-Smith issue. So I don't know.

Oh, and there's a very blatant coloring mistake where Colossus' face is all fleshy when's is armored up (well it's a robot Colossus but still).

Anyway, C, C-. 72/100. Next.

X-Men 203: CROTCHLOADS

What we learn this issue besides that Rogue's hairdo for some reason changed from Paulie Walnuts to Pepe Le Pew.

ROGUE HATES SAN FRANCISCO. BUT SHE APPARENTLY LOVES GUM.

KITTY PRYDE IS WEARIING ARMOR AND WIELDS SOUL CALIBER. IT IS ASSUMED THAT MEANWHILE HER SOUL STILL BURNS.

WOLVERINE HAS BECOME A FAN FAVORITE X-MAN. GEE I WONDER WHY.

IT IS BECAUSE HE IS A TOTAL BAD ASS, OBVIOUSLY.

EVERYONE HAS A MULLET.

STORM STILL BLOWS.

UATU THE WATCHER IS A FAT MOON DWELLING FUCK.
MORE CHINS THAN A CHINESE PHONEBOOK, AMIRITE?

THE STARJAMMERS STILL DRESS LIKE TOTAL SPACE FAGS.

THE PHOENIX FORCE IS FELLING A LITTLE BLOATED.

THE BEYONDER IS STILL A TOTAL PUSSY.

This wasn't necessarily a bad issue, but it definitely was a boring one. Besides the flashback of Rogue fighting the original Ms Marvel, there is zero fighting in the book. It's all a bunch off talk about life. And the totality of the universe. And how each living being is a special special candle whose flame should never be extinguished.

There really is a fuck ton of text involving candles as lives metaphors. And the Bryonder doesn't understand humans or the rest of the universe. And the word TOTALITY is used a few more times. It's vintage Claremont and I can't say it isn't corny and doesn't over use the word totality (Claremont loves this word like a pedo loves the boy scouts) but it's still pretty heady stuff, and any existential ruminations or metaphysical quandries found in the BAM BIFF POW - HEY KIDS COMICS! era is admirable.

Anyway, Rachel Summers sorbs up all the X-Bag's life forces and goes to take down the Beyonder once and for all. But that would mean destroying the universe. So, um, obviously Rachel doesn't do it, because, um, well duh. Then everyone stands around talks about why living is good and why killing the universe is a bad idea.

Then they all go out of ice cream! Yea! Who wants ice CREAM!

Actually the events are supposedly concluded in Secret Wars II, but I'll be dipped in doo doo before I track down that piece of shit miniseries. So who knows what happens to the douche bag Beyonder. Its not even worth looking up on Wikipedia. What a seriously terrible idea that guy was.

OK, time for watch more Wire. THE GAME IS THE GAME. GOT THAT PANDEMIC. BALMER MARELYN IS A REAL FUCKING SHIT HOLE!

X-Men 202: X-MEN... I'VE GONE TO KILL -- SOME MASSIVE TOOL WITH A JHERI CURL

What we learn this issue besides REALLY Jim Shooter? The Beyonder? AGAIN? REALLY?

OH BOY THAT FUCKING OMNIPOTENT ASSWIPE THE BEYONDER IS BACK, TO ANNOY EVERYONE WITH HIS BLOVIATING BULLSHIT.

BUT AT LEAST HE BROUGHT MY FAVORITE KILLER PURPLE ROBOTS, ALONG WITH HIM, THE SENTINELS!

BUT, THIS GUY RETURNS...

...AND PHOENIX, OR RACHEL SUMMERS, THE TIME TRAVELLING MUTANT DAUGHTER OF SCOTT SUMMERS AND JEAN GREY FROM THE FUTURE THAT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN ANYMORE, GOES OFF TO KILL HIM...

...BUT SHE FAILS. BECAUSE RACHEL SUMMERS SUCKS AT LIFE.

AND INSTEAD OF LEAVING A NOTE, RACHEL INVENTS (I'M GUESSING) A HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTOR AND USES IT TO VIDEOTAPE HERSLEF IN 3-D TELLING THE X-MEN THAT AND RIGS IT TO PLAY WHEN SOMEONE OPENS THE DOOR TO HER ROOM. YEAH THAT'S A LOT EASIER.

WOLVERINE LOUNGES AROUND IN A KIMONO AND DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK, BUT LAME WAD STORM SAYS THEY MUST GO AFTER HER AND HELP/STOP HER. STORM ALSO SUCKS AT LIFE.

THEN THE X-MEN FIGHT SOME SENTINELS BECAUSE OF THE BEYONDER OR SOMETHING.
THE X-MEN WIN AND SAVE SAN FRANCISCO BUT THEY DON'T STOP THE BEYONDER, WHO PROVES TO BE A MOST INFURIATING DOUCHE BAG.

This issue includes some fine fight scenes between X-Men and giant purple robots, unfortunetely half of the comic is taken up by the Beyonder and Phoenix, so meh. And JRJr is back on art. So double meh.

Anyway, I don't really feel like typing anymore so here are some new fake lyrics to a new Katy Perry song. The music itself is perfectly acceptable pop jams, but I swear the lyrics were written by a 12 year old. Or a slightly Downy 19 year old. Mine aren't much better but at least they're supposed to be fucking retarded. Oh yeah the song is Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.). Nice name tards. Enjoy.

Last Friday Night

I’m just jerking off in bed
Cause no woman will give me head
Goin spooge all over the room
Then probably eat some fuckin’ shrooms
Want to drink a god damn bar
And after pass out on the yard
Watch more porno on xtube
Need some lotion or some lube

Videos of ‘gine
Getting drilled online
I’m nude
I swell
It’s an engorged tool
And I’ll wack it till it drools

Last Friday night
Yeah I smoked a ton of pot
Then beat off with all I got
When I came there was a lot

Last Friday night
Yeah I felt it in my nards
Slathered up with grease and lard
Now my dong is nice and hard

Last Friday night
I got bored so on a lark
masturbated in the dark
Maybe next time in the park

Last Friday night
Good thing it's not against the law
To jerk off using some cole slaw
Whoa - oh -oah

This Friday night
Need to make a friend
This Friday night
Need to make a friend

Trying to get in that pink
Want it so bad, can’t even think
Want to do it on the floor
Get a taste and just want more
Remove your panties and your dress
Up in your guts I’ll make a mess
Bend you over start to rail
Had your front now do your tail