X-Men Annual 11: Sloshed in the Hoosgow

What we learn this issue besides that Wolverine get sozzled in the clink. 

 THAT'S A VERY STORM MOVE OF YOU WOLVERINE.

YEAH I THINK THAT'S WORST PANEL I'VE EVER DONE. WHATEVER.

BUT THIS IS PRETTY MUCH THE RADDEST PANEL EVER. NOT BECAUSE OF ME BUT WHO CARES IT IS THE TITS.

Alan Davis drew the hell out of this annual but nothing of consequence happens and at the end everything is sitcommed back to the status quo. Something to do with some lion manned omnipotent weirdo named Horde, for whatever reason I cannot discern. I think he may be someone from the Captain Britain properties created by Alan Moore and Alan Davis for Marvel UK that Claremont was slowly attempting to import into his X-Pals storyline and the greater Marvel Universe, the backstory to which, and why that plan was ultimately aborted, is pretty fascinating. LOOK IT UP WITH THE GOOGLES WHY DONT YOU.

But anyway, the X-Wads and Captain Britain and some blonde piece named Meggan go to some crystal palace and get some wish fulfillment that turns out to be the ultimate nightmare like from some Twilight Zone/Evil Genie story and it looks like they're all bufu'd in the bu until one drop of Wolverine's blood somehow saves the day. And everyone high fives and the credits roll.

This issue is mostly notable for Wolverine boss Bud Heavy chugging. Also I wanted to half ass this and get it over with so I could finish up all the issues that appear in the X-Men Essential Volume 7. Shit, that's some pretty good progress.

Also, I won't be doing X-Men vs The Fantastic Four limited series. It was written by Claremont but it pretty much sucked. Doom helps Kitty Pryde recover after turning into a ghost during the Mutant Massacre. There were also some fighting. The end.

OK GREAT, WE'RE REALLY COOKING WITH GAS NOW.

X-MEN 228: Breadly Gangs

What we learn this issue besides bread on bread violence has been increasing lately.

THIS COVER DOESN'T HAVE MUCH TO DO WITH THIS ISSUE. THERE IS NO FUNERAL FOR WOLVERINE AND DAZZLER AND THEIR PALE LIMP SOULS DON'T GET ESCORTED TO HEAVEN BY AN EQUALLY PALE ANGEL. 

 DEADWOOD WAS SO FUCKING SWEET.

LOGAN BAHAMA

 ONE EXTRA PIECE IS BEING CARELESS. EIGHT EXTRA PIECES IS JUST SILLY.

 THANK YOU CAPTAIN EXPOSITION

 FINALLY, A CONSTIPATION JOKE!

Man, I'm fucking spent from compiling that best of entry over the course of the last couple days (in my free time, I don't do this shit all day you know). I added a permanent link on the side of the blog so new entries don't push the best-of post into oblivion. Its the first change I've made to this web page since I put it up. Exciting!

Anyway, my energy level is a little low, and that fake title was just awful so I'm going to mix in some caffeine to this next shot of heroin to try and perk up before I finish this entry.

OK I'M BACK. THANKS DRUGS, I MEAN COFFEE.

This is basically a one and done filler issue with solid guest artists Rick Leonardi and Terry Austin spelling regulars Marc Silvestri and Dan Green (who had that double sized issue 2 months earlier don't forget), and to step off the gas plot wise to give Claremont an opportunity to reload. It's a common but effective comic book trope.

This issue is OK, not great. Dazzler is the narrator in the form of an epistolary (HAH, STILL KNOW MY SAT WORDS). Which is fine but it gets awkward when you realize she is explains events to a guy in a letter who was there for half the adventure. It's fine for us readers but the fictional letter reader would be all like, DUH I KNOW THAT DAZZLER, I WAS THERE. HELLO.

Also Claremont still does not know what "to coin a phrase" means, this time having Wolverine announce he will coin the phrase "Since when did I ever do what was told?" It's not as bad as "coining" the phrase "I got better" but I'm pretty sure that specific order of words had been minted before Wolverine decided to breathe life to them.

OH MAN THIS COFFEE IS REALLY KICKING IN. I FEEL LIKE THE #1 MOST FUCKING  AWESOME MANIAC.

That last line was a phrase actually and truly coined by the great Johnny Ryan in the first volume of his Prison Pit series, a bona fide modern masterpiece.

Anyway, Dazzler and Wolverine rescue one of Dazzledong's old friends, O.Z. Bedazzler emphatically keeps O.Z. in the friend zone while I'm sure O.Z. wishes things would progress into the BONE ZONE. A random Russian mutant who is clearly in a hurry (GET IT???) and the cock hole ginger g-man Henry Gyrich are also involved. And O.Z. has a dog Cerebus. Needless to say, our heroes prevail, but O.Z. is still sad because he is reading this letter from Dazzchlong and reading the newspaper that is reporting on the DEATH OF ALL THE X-MEN atop 555 Eagle Plaza in terrible Dallas, the events we just covered last issue. So no bone zone for that guy.

Then O.Z. leads some random people in a dinner in a toast to Dazzlista and the X-Hombres and bones a tall cold one. I swear he does.

So much for that issue. I'd like to now interrupt our regular dick and fart joke delivery mechanism to comment on some the content found in the previous BEST OF BALZAC'S BALLSACK. Specifically all the offensive language used. Something like the phrase 'AT LAST, FUCK YOU, X-FAGS', which I employ in one of the MS Paint cartoons, could be incredibly hurtful if used inappropriately. As would the phrase FUCK YOU FATSO, or the words RETARD, ASSHOLE and BUTTHEAD, and a whole lot of other stuff I've written. That's why, before making a judgement on whether or not this makes me a bad person, you need to consider the context. I don't not, nor would I ever, think about hurling such hateful invective at someone in real life. Nor do I wish I could and am just taking advantage internet anonymity to express how I really feel. It's just me fucking about some bullshit blog.

So why did I use a homophobic slur, but not, say, the n-word? Well, for one, FUCK YOU X-FAGS has an alliterative zing to it that FUCK YOU, X-NIGGERS just doesn't provide. Also, one man wanting to put a hard boner in his mouth and butt is inherently funnier to me than someone being born with a surfeit of melanin. But that doesn't mean we can't have a good time and toss around all manner of derogatory terms here. So whether I'm banding about the terms wops, or kikes or midgets or chinks or cripples, who fucking cares? I'm just a big spastic comic book collecting dork wad virgin who's never even touched a boob before. Life's too short to get bent out of shape over some bullshit words.

Think of it like watching a movie with a rape scene in it. Does that mean rape is OK? Of course not, ding bat. Just like me having Wolverine call Storm a cunt doesn't mean I like to go around dropping the c-word in  normal conversation. I'm not going to be a fart sniffing insufferable pretentious douche bag and proclaim that this is what art is all about (eve though I pretty much just implied it anyway), but I will say that I hope everyone has a really awesome day and that I'm sorry if anyone reads this blog doesn't immediately orgasm with joy.

Like a serious, geyser-like orgasm that requires you to change pants.

Anyway, maybe that didn't make any sense and it's just the caffeine talking. And maybe my logic is flawed and I am just a fucking dickhead. It's certainly not outside the realm of possibility.

NEXT ISSUE, FUCKING CYBORGS. YES!

THE BEST OF BALZAC'S BALLSACK: X-MEN 94-227

Hey, do you have no idea what the fuck is going on with the fucking X-Men? Lots of people don't. That's why I put together this sweet ass STORY OF THE X-MEN: FROM DEADLY GENESIS TO THE FALL OF THE MUTANTS. 

That means from Giant Size X-Men 1 and X-Men 94 all the way up to issue 227. Thats like, a hundred and something issues, all written by the mutant maestro himself, Chris Claremont! LETS GET FUCKIN STARTED, SHALL WE?

SO IT ALL BEGAN WHEN THE ORIGINAL X-MEN RAN OUT OF DONG BAGS AND XAVIER FOUND SOME NEW FUCKIN GUYS TO GO GET MORE... 

THOSE WACKY MUTANTS LOVED CRACKING JOKES!

BUT THEY DIDN'T ALWAYS GET ALONG.

CYCLOPS, THE BEST X-MAN, EVEN HAD SOME TROUBLE READING RADAR!

AND FUCKIN WOLVERINE WAS A FUCKING DICK HALF THE TIME. IT'S LIKE HE'S SOME KIND OF CANADIAN PRICK OR SOMETHING.

LETS BE HONEST CHARLES, THAT TABLE WAS A LITTLE DOO-DOO ANYWAY.

SO THEY X-MEN HAD SOME STUPID ADVENTURES AND ACTED LIKE THEY WERE INA  GOD DAMN SOAP OPERA FOR A WHILE. HEY, IS WOLVERINE GOING TO PUT HIS BERSERKER DICK IN STORM'S ELEMENTAL PUSSY?

HAH, SURE LOOKS LIKE IT!

BUT IT WASN'T ALL YOUNG HEROES IN LOVE. IT WAS A DANGEROUS TIME FRAUGHT WITH DEADLY PURPLE ROWBITS CALLED SENTINELS. ONE OF THEM EVEN ATTACKED XAVIER ON VACATION.

BUT XAVIER WAS ABLE TO DEFEAT THE PURPLE ROWBIT WITH MIND BULLETS. PYEW PYEW PYEW!

HAHA, THE X-MANS ARE FIGHTING EACH OTHER AND USING HOMOPHOBIC SLURS!

THEN THE X-LUMPS GO INTO SPACE AND ALMOST DIE WHEN COME BACK FROM OUTER SPACE. BUT THEY ARE SAVED, THANKS TO JEAN GREY AND HER AWESOME POWERS!

SHE HAS A NEW COSTUME AND WANTS TO BE CALLED PHOENIX NOW. LOOKING GOOD JEAN!

HAH, MORE JOKES!

THE X-PALS VERY FIRST VILLAIN, MAGNETBALLS, RETURNS, LOOKING TO FUCK EVERYONE'S LIFE UP, BECAUSE MAGNETMAN IS A DICK.

MEGSIEPOO KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF THE X-MEN BUT THEY ESCAPE AND ARE FINE. THEN ITS BACK UP INTO SPACE TO RESCUE LILANDRA, EMPRESS OF THE SHIAR BIRD ALIENS AND RECEPTACLE OF PROFESSOR X'S SPLOOGE.

AND THEN WOLVEINRE KICKS HIS LIGHTS PUNCHED OUT INTO SPACE BY SOME LITTLE GUY.

HEY FEEL BETTER WOLVIE!

AFTER SAVING THE UNIVERSE THE X-WADS LIKE TO RELAX IN THEIR MANSION. XAVIER'S VAST ESTATE AFFORDS AMPLE SPACE TO PLAY A FEW INNINGS OF HARDBALL. LOOK AT THE X-MEN PAL AROUND THE DIAMOND LIKE A COUPLE OF FUCKIN PALLIES.

THEN FUCKIN MAGNETO SHOWS UP AGAIN AND ABDUCTS EVERYONE SHOVES THEM UNDERNEATH A FUCKING VOLCANO.

EVERYONE ESCAPES AND IS FINE BUT THEY ARE CUT OFF FROM XAVIER AND JEAN GREY AND THE MANSION AND CELL PHONES HADN'T BEEN INVENTED YET AND XAVIER TOLD THEM TO NEVER EVER CALL COLLECT, SO EVERYONE THINKS THEY'RE DEAD.

BUT THEY'RE NOT DEAD, THEYRE JUST IN ANTARCTICA FIGHTING VAMPIRE PTERODACTYL ASSHOLES!

AND THIS FUCKIN GAROKK FREAKSHOW.

THE X-PUDS BEAT THEM ALL THO. THEY ARE THE TITULAR FUCKING HEROES AFTER ALL!

SLOWLY BUT SURELY EVERYONE STARTS TO REALIZE THAT STORM TOTALLY BLOWS.

THE NATURAL COURSE OF ADVENTURES LEADS THE X-MENS TO JAPAN, WHERE WOLVERINE IMMEDIATELY GOES TO WORK PICKING UP SOME LOCAL POONTANG, NATURALLY.

THEN SOME FUCKIN CANADIAN SAVAGES CRASH THE PARTY AND IRISH MAN GETS INTO A SHOUTING MATCH WITH ONE OF THEM.

THE CANADIANS ARE CALLED ALPHA FLIGHT, BECAUSE THEY ARE LOSERS.

THEY ARE ALSO A TEAM OF SUPER HEROES, BUT THEY FIGHT THE X-MEN ANYWAY, BECAUSE ITS A FUCKING COMIC BOOK AND THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS.

STORM WILL NEVER BE COOL.

CYCLOPS, THINKING HIS MAIN SQUEEZE JEAN GREY IS DEAD, GOES ON A DATE WITH COLEEN WING, AND THEY RUN INTO FUCKING SPIDER-MAN!

AWESOME!

NEXT THE X-LOGS TANGLE WITH THE LAMEST MEMBER OF THEIR ROUGES GALLERY, FUCKIN ARCADE, THE FIRE CROTCHED ADOLESCENT PSYCHOPATH!

ARCADE CAN'T MURDER FOR SHIT. HE FUCKING SUCKS AT IT. FUCK YOU ARCADE.

PHOENIX FLIPS OUT AND USES THE SAME JOKES SHE USED LAST TIME WE SAW HER.

GET SOME NEW MATERIAL WHY DON'T YOU!

XAVIER'S OLD GIRLFRIEND (HE USED TO CRUSH ALOT) HAD A KID (NOT WITH XAVIER) NAMED PROTEUS WHO TURNED INTO A DERANGED VILLAIN WHO WAS ABOUT TO DESTROY ALL OF REALITY UNTIL COLOSSUS ENDED HIM.

NOW IS THAT KIND OF TALK REALLY NECESSARY, PROTEUS? HOWEVER, IT'S ABOUT TIME THE X-CLODS GOT A DECENT NEW VILLAIN TO FIGHT.

NOW ITS TIME TO START THE DARK PHOENIX SAGA. BUT FIRST WE HAVE TO MEET THE YOUNGEST, BUT ALSO THE MOST PRECOCIOUS MEMBER OF THE X-MEN

WELCOME TO THE X-PALS, KITTY PRYDE!

ALSO, DAZZLER SHOWS UP, BUT DOESN'T JOIN THE TEAM (YET).

DAZZLER STARTED OUT AS A COMPLETE FUCKING JOKE. SHE ALSO WORE ROLLER SKATES MOST OF THE TIME. LETS JUST MOVE ON.

KITTY PRYDE'S DAD ISN'T TOO KEEN ON LETTING HIS ONLY DAUGHTER FIGHT CRIME FOR A LIVING. LUCKILY XAVIER CAN BE VERY PERSUASIVE FOR A CRIPPLE.

AT LEAST THEY SETTLED EVERYTHING LIKE ADULTS.

THEN JEAN GREY FLIPS OUT AND TURNS INTO A CORSET WEARING BAD GUY.

THEY ARE NICE TITS, THOUGH.

WOLVERINE IS BY NOW THE MOST POPULAR X-MALE, BECAUSE HE KILLS PEOPLE AND DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT IT.

BUT NO ONE CAN STOP DARK PHEONIX FROM KILLING A WHOLE PLANET. 

KILLING A FEW GUN TOTING HENCHMEN EVERY NOW AND THEN? NO PROBLEM. MURDERING A PLANET OF 6 BILLION FISH PEOPLE? EH, NOT REALLY SO COOL. 


JEAN GREY REGAINS CONTROL OF HER POWERS FOR A BREIF INTERLUDE AND SHARES A TENDER MOMENT WITH HER FUCK BUDDY, CLYCLOPS.

BUT JEAN GREAY HAS TO PAY FOR HER SINS. SO SHE COMMITS SUICIDE WHILE ON THE MOON. 

SCOTT SUMMERS IS UNSURPRISINGLY DISTRAUGHT OVER LOSING HIS BONING PARTNER.

HEY WHO INVITING SORCERER SUPREME DOCTOER STEVEN FUCKING STRANGE?

 ASSHOLE.

WOLVERINE CHILLAXES.

AND IS NOW BUDDIES WITH HIS CANADIAN CONFRERE.

THEN THE X-NARDS GET INVOLVED IN SOME TIME TRAVELLING SHENANIGANS!

THEY PREVAIL, AND THE BLOB IS FAT.

PROBABLY HAS ADULT ONSET DIABETES.

THEN A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT DEMON MURDERS SOME FUCKIN DUDES.

BUT KITTY PRYDE IS ON THE MOTHERFUCKER AND BLOWS HIM UP WITH JET ENGINES. SR-71 BLACKBIRD JET ENGINES TO BE EXACT.

THEN JOHN BYRNE QUITS DRAWING THE BOOK. SO LONG JOHN!

HEY WHO INVITED MAN-THING!

HE HAS DONGS ON HIS FACE AND HIS NAME MEANS DONG. COME ON WHAT THE FUCK?

NOW IT'S DOCTOR DOOM'S TURN TO TRY VANQUISHING THE X-BUTTS.

IT'S GOT TO HURT GETTING A BONER WHEN YOU'RE IN A METAL SUIT OFF ARMOUR.

FOR SOME REASON, DOOM TEAMS UP WITH PATHETIC LOSER DICKHEAD ARCADE AND HIS QUOTE UNQUOTE MURDERWORLD.

THE X-LADS PREVAIL ONCE AGAIN AND KITTY PRYDE DECIDES SHE NEEDS A NEW COSTUME.

AH THE FOLLIES OF YOUTH.

NO TIME FOR CLOWNING AROUND X-MOPES, MAGNET BALLS IS BACK AND UP TO SOME MURDER!

AND STORM PROVES HER WORTHLESSNESS ONCE AGAIN.

MAGNETBALLS ACTUALLY HAS A CRISIS OF CONSCIOUS AND FRIGS OFF BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE ACCIDENTALY KILLED KITTY PRYDE. BUT HE DIDN'T. KITTY IS FINE. FINE AND READY TO RECEIVE SOME TASTY RUSSIAN SAUSAGE.

DARK PHOENIX SAGA LEFTOVER AND HELLFIRE CLUB MEMBER EMMA FROST DECIDES TO PLAY "TRADING PLACES" WITH STORM.

THEY DON'T PLAY "TRADING LABIAS" THO. TOO BAD.

EVERYONE IS BORED SO KITTY SPINS A YARN INVOLVVING CARTOON SMURF LIKE NIGHTCRAWLER RAPISTS CALLED BAMFS.

LECHEROUS LITTLE CRETINS THEY ARE.

OH YOU TWO.

THEN ITS TIME TO GO BACK UP INTO OUTER SPACE. THE UNITED X-MEN OF SPACE!

EVER SEE THE MOVIE ALIEN? OR ALIENS? THE BROOD ARE PRETTY MUCH JUST LIKE THEM. EXCEPT THEY'VE ALSO ENSLAVED A RACE OF FLYING ALIEN WHALES! OF COURSE WHY NOT?

THE X-MEN WIN, AGAIN, AND THEN DEAL WITH FUCKIN MYSTIQUE. SHE IS A TOTAL BITCH.

SERIOUSLY WHO INVITED FUCKIN DRACULA?

THEN THE BEST ISSUE OF THE X-FRIENDS TAKES PLACE IN HELL. IT OWNS.

STORM GETS TO SOME PONDERING.

WELL SAID STORM. THATS THE BEST YOU'VE EVER DONE.

THEY ALSO FIND CYCLOPS' LONG LOST DAD, A GALAXY TROTTING SPACE PIRATE NAME COSAIR.

I THINK HIM BEING IN A GROUP CALLED THE STARJAMMERS WAS YOUR FIRST CLUE, MOIRA.

ROGUE STOLE THE POWERS OF THE ORIGINAL MS MARVEL, WHICH IS WHY ROGUE IS SO STRONG AND CAN FLY AND SHIT. THEN MS MARVEL GOT NEW, BETTER POWERS, AND WITH A LITTLE CAJOLING, SAVED THE X-DUDES BACON AND FUCKED ALL THE BROOD UP WITH SOME FUCKING LASERS AND SHIT. 

HAH, FUCKIN STORM AGAIN.

KITTY PRYDE, WHO HAS NO OFFENSIVE POWERS, PICKS UP AN ALIEN PAL IN SPACE, WHO CAN BREATH FIRE AND SHIT.

WHO'S TO SAY THEY'RE LOVE ISN'T REAL?

XAVIER ALMOST TURNED INTO A BROOD. BUT THEN HE DIDN'T.

AND KITTY PRYDE GETS MAD BECAUSE SHE ALMOST GOT DEMOTED TO THE JV SQUAD, THE NEW MUTANTS.

BUT SHE DIDN'T EITHER!

AND WE MEET THE MORLOCKS. A BUNCH OF REALLY UGLY MUTANTS WHO LIVE IN THE SEWARS AND ABANDON SUBWAY TUNNELS AND SHIT IN MANHATTAN. HEY, I'D PROBABLY LIVE THERE IF THE RENT WAS RIGHT.

ANGEL IS SUCH A CHODE.

BUT THEY SAVE HIM AND THE X-HOGS AND THE MORLOCKS BECOME PALS OF SOME SORT. AND CYCLOPS DECIDES ITS TIME TO GET HIS DICK WET AGAIN.

HE CERTAINLY HAS A TYPE.

EW QUEEFS. THEY LET ROGUE JOIN THE TEAM ANYWAY. PRETTY SMART DECISION, SHE'S PROBABLY ONE OF MARVEL'S MOST VALUABLE FEMALE PROPERTIES NOW.

IT TAKES A WHILE FOR ROGUE TO FEEL LIKE ONE OF THE GANG THOUGH. WHEN THE X-MANS GO TO JAPAN FOR WOLVERINE WEDDING SHE DOESN'T EVEN GET ANY DELICIOUS FART TEA.

JUST WOLVERINE'S FARTS.

SOME DICKHEADS RUIN WOLVERINE'S WEDDING SO HE REMAINS A BACHELOR, BUT ALL THE MATRIMONY GETS KITTY PRYDE'S PANTIES SOAKING WET, AND SHE MAKES HER MOVE ON THE BIG RUSSIAN LUMMOX.

WHO DOESN'T LOVE FAKE KATY PERRY LYRICS.

CYCLOPS CAN'T BONE JEAN GREAY ANYMORE, THO. :*(

THAT WAS A TEARING EMOTICON BTW.

CYCLOPS SMACKS THE FUCK OUT OFF THAT SHARK WITH HIS OPTIC BLASTS AND THEN GETS BACK TO HIS HONEYMOON WITH MADELYNE PRYOR. OH YEAH THEY'RE MARRIED.

THEN THE FUGLY MORLOCKS COME BACK AND KITTY HAS TO MARRY ONE FOR SOME REASON.

BUT THEN SHE DOESN'T! PHEW!

OH FUCK OFF DRACULA.

XAVIER'S ALIEN BIRD PEOPLE EMPRESS GETS HIM A NEW UNCRIPPLED BODY SO HE CAN GET OFF THE WHEELCHAIR AND SHOOT SOME HOOPS.

DON'T BE A FUCKING LITTLE BITCH, LOCKHEED.

UGH, THEN ROGUE AND CAROL DANVERS HAVE TO FIGURE SOME SHIT OUT. FUCKING DEAL WITH IT ALREADY. GOD.

THIS IS WHAT ITS LIKE WHEN SUPER BROS GET TOGETHER AND HAVE SOME SUPER BEERS. LIKE NO BIG DEAL JUST KICKING BACK WITH SOME BROS AND SOME BEERS. NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T HUNG OUT LIKE THIS LIKE A MILLION TIMES BEFORE JUST CHILL OUT WHY DON'T YOU.

SICK I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR PISS FUCKING NIGHTCRAWLER.

GREAT SOMEONE INVITED FORGE AND HIS TERRIBLE RUGBY SHORTS AND SHIRT TO THE PARTY. FUCKING GROSS.

WELL ITS NOT TIME TO GO TOTALLY TO THE SCREEN CAPS OF THE ACTUAL COMICS YET. FIRST I HAVE TO MAKE FUN OF RACHEL AWFUL SUMMERS FIRST. WITH MY TERRIBLE MS PAINT FIRST. OK NOW WE CAN GO BACK TO THE SCREEN CAPS.

HAHA YOU SUCK RACHEL. NOT EVEN YOUR OWN FAKE DAD WANTS YOU IN YOUR LIFE. NO MATTER HOW POWERFUL A MUTANT FROM ANOTHER TIME LINE YOU ARE.

EW WHAT ARE THOSE DIRE WRAITHS? MORE ASSHOLES FOR THE SUCK FEST. THE X-SLUGS DEFEAT THEM BY THE WAY. AS IF THERE WAS ANY DOUBT.

ALSO FORGE LIVES IN SHITTY DALLAS. BIG DEE, LITTLE AYE, DOUBLE ELLE AYE ESS. FUCK YOU DALLAS.

THEN I TAKE A PAUSE AND TALK ABOUT ALL THE COSTUMES OF THE X-PEOPLES. IT GETS THE MOST HITS. LOOK IT UP I'M NOT EVEN LYING. BEERS.

EW WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GUY.

IT'S A FUCKING GUY WITH A NEW NECKLACE. NICE WORK GUY. I'M SURE THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE NEXT ISSUES. OR DOES IT??????

OH WAIT ITS THE FUCKING HELLFIRE CLUB AGAIN. AND MORE FETISH OUTFITS. BUT WHATEVER, ITS FUCKING COOL TO INSERT THAT SHIT INTO A COMIC BOOK. I THINK. WHATEVER.

OK SO CAPTAIN AMERICA HELPS THE X-WHELPS FIGHT SOME FAKE CONAN PEOPLE. OR SOMETHING.

GOD DAMN RIGHT.

THEN CHUCKIE HAS HIS SHIT RUINED. OUCH.

AND EVERYONE WISHES RACHEL SUMMERS WAS DEAD OR AT LEAST NEVER SHOWED UP FROM HER DIFFERENT FUCKING TIME.

YES FUCK YOU OSAMA. TASTE THE POOP AND PEE.

THEN THE X-MENS DID SOME SHIT. WHOPPEE.

SORRY CHUCK IT WAS A MORLOCK AND I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS SOME UNPROTECTED SEX WITH AN AIDS PATIENT. JUST SUCK IT UP AND STOP WHINING WILL YOU.

ALSO, THIS BLATANT S&M GEAR IS JUST A LITTLE ABSURD.

THEN JUGGERBALLS SHOWED UP. HEY WHO INVITED YOU?

AND YOU NIMROD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE (BESIDES FUCKING WITH THE X-RODS)?

HAHA, NICE SUBPLOT WEIRDOS.

AH, FINALLY. THE FIRST COVER. SO UNCANNY CAN ALSO SPELL CUNT FANNY, WHICH IS GREAT. AND ALSO WOLVERINE IS SMOKING A FATTY AND ABOUT TO STAB A LITTLE KID TO DEATH. NICE COVER I KNOW RIGHT?????

IT'S TRUE KIDS, LISTEN TO FUCKIN SPIDER-MAN.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I WILL NEVER NOT LAUGH WHEN I SEE THAT PANEL. THAT IS FUCKING REAL AND I ALTERED IT NONE AT ALL. HOLY SHIT THAT IS A GREAT PANEL.

GEE PHIL, WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

RIDICULOUS.

YEAH, FUCKING WOLVERINE ISN'T FUCKING AROUND.

ALRIGHT I NEED TO CONTINUE THIS WHEN I'M LESS DRUNK AND TIRED.

UNTIL THEN!!!!!

WELL WELL WELL, TURNS OUT DRINKING BACARDI IN A MOVIE THEATRE AND WATCHING GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE TAKES A LOT OUT OF ME. THESE 30 YEAR OLD BONES AIN'T HOLDING UP LIKE THE USED TO. ALSO NEED TO STOP TAKING GYPSY CABS HOME. THAT WASN'T THE BEST DECISION IN THE WORLD.

OK WHAT HAPPENS TO THESE FUCKING X-MEN NEXT?

FUCKIN NIMROD COMES BACK! NIMROD. NICE NAME, BRO.

THE FIRST OF MANY PANELS OF COLOSSUS FUCKING SHIT UP.

IT MAY LOOK LIKE DOCTOR DOOM BUT ITS ACTUALLY JUST A ROWBIT. COLOSSUS FUCKS IT UP, BECAUSE HE HATES FUCKIN ROWBITS.

STORM GOES TO AFRICA. REALLY, GOOD FOR YOU STORM. WE'RE ALL SO THRILLED FOR YOU. REALLY.

ALL I HAVE IS THIS SHITTY PICTURE I TOOK WITH MY SHITTY BLACKBERRY BUT THESE TWO PANELS DEPICT KITTY PRYDE FELLATING A POPSICLE AND THEN A SHOCKED IMPOSSIBLE MAN TURNING INTO MAGNUM P.I. COMICS ARE FUCKING WEIRD.

THEN THE X-MEN PLAYS SOME MORE FUCKING BASEBALL. THEY FUCKING LOVE FUCKING BASEBALL.

WHO DOESN'T LOVE SPACE BEERS?

THEN THE X-MEN WRECK THE HOLOCAUST MUSEUM IN FRANCE. WHY? WELL COLOSSUS JUST TOLD YOU WHY. HE DOESN'T CARE MUCH FOR THE HEBREWS.

THEN I WATCHED THE MOVIE DEAD PRESIDENTS AND DREW THIS PICTURE OF MICHAEL IMPERIOLI GETTING HIS OWN COCK AND BALLS STUFFED IN HIS MOUTH. HAHAH, EW GROSS.

COLOSSUS FUCKS UP A TANK.

A BRIEF INTERLUDE WHERE I FORGET WHAT HAPPENS.

MORE GOD DAMN BASEBALL.

XAVIER COMPLAINS TO HIS OLD LADY AND I SPELL MAGNIFICENT WRONG, EVEN THOUGH ITS ALREADY RIGHT THERE ON THE GOD DAMN PANEL.

STORM AND CYCLOPS FIGHT AND SOMEHOW AWFUL STORM WINS WITH NO POWERS, EVEN THOUGH ONLY A COUPLE DOZEN ISSUES AGO CYCLOPS WRECKED THE WHOLE TEAM BY HIMSELF.

ALSO MADELYNE PRYOR HAS CYCLOPS' BABY.

ANOTHER BRIEF INTERLUDE.

AND THEN THE PURPLE ROWBITS SEEK REVENGE.

SHOULDN'T HAVE HATED ON THE ROWBITS SO MUCH BEFORE, COLOSSUS. KARMA AND WHAT NOT.

IT WAS ALL JUST SOME BULLSHIT PLOY BY THE JHERI CURLED ONE, THE FUCKIN BEYONDER, WHO FUCKS OFF AFTER SEEING THAT THERE ARE NO FUCKING BOOBIES.

SO WOLVERINE CELEBRATES WITH A FEW TALL COLD ONES.

NIGHTCRAWLER BREAKS UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND/STEP SISTER.

AWKWARD.

WOLVERINE KILLS A FEW CYBORGS

AND HANGS OUT WITH A LITTLE GIRL. WHY NOT?

THE BLOB IS STILL A FAT FUCK.

THE TWO WORST EX-MEN HANG OUT.

AND WOLVERINE GETS SICK OF BEING ON THE COVER SO MANY TIMES HE LITERALLY STABS HIS OWN COMIC BOOK.

A LITTLE DYSENTERY AMONG THE RANKS.

NO TIME FOR LOVE, DR. JONES.

AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE END OF NIMROD. NICE ONE, COLOSSUS.

WELL GO AHEAD AND DO IT THEN!

KITTY PRYDE DOESN'T JUST TALK TOUGH TO AFRICAN AMERICANS NAMED PHIL.

WOLVERINE ON THE FUCKING COVER AGAIN.

SOME DICKHEADS ARE TRAVELING THOUGH THE MORLOCK TUNNELS KILLING THE DICK OUT OF EVERYONE. THEY CALL IT THE MUTANT MASSACRE. ASS ACRE. HAH.

SO COLOSSUS SNAPS ONE OF THEIR FUCKING NECKS, LIKE A FUCKING BOSS.

YEAH THAT GUY AGAIN.

THE PEOPLE FUCKING UP THE MORLOCKS WERE THE MARAUDERS. THEY NEARLY KILL NIGHTCRAWLER AND TURN KITTY PRYDE INTO A GHOST. A SEXY 14 YEAR OLD GHOST. IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE END OF THOSE TWO BEING X-BROS.

WOLVERINE AND SABRETOOTH FIGHTING EACH OTHER WAS APPARENTLY GOOD FOR SALES.

THINGS GET WEIRD AS THE BATTLE CONTINUES.

CALM DOWN MAGNETO.

YOU HAVE TO BE SMOOTH, LIKE SABRETOOTH. HE'S GOT GAME.

AT THIS RATE MAGNETO IS NEVER GETTING LAID.

BUT THE X-MEN SORT OF WIN AND NOW THE TEAM IS MOSTLY MADE UP OF LADIES.

LAYDEEZ!

OH THATS SO HOT.

AND THESE GEEZERS SHOW UP. LAME.

ASSHOLES.

LISTEN TO WOLVERINE, FUCKIN STORM.

STORM AND WOLVERINE KICK THEIR ASSES, NATURALLY.

BUT NOT BEFORE WOLVERINE GETS HIT BY A FUCKING TRUCK!

NICE GOING, SLICK.

JUGGULONAUT AGAIN.

HANGING OUT IN SCOTLAND GIVES THE X-LOADS CABIN FEVER.

JUGGERUTS IS A BAD MAN.

X-LADIES TO THE RESCUE!

JUGGLENUTS IS STILL BEGIN A TOTAL BUTTWIPE.

BUT THE X-FEMS TAKE HIM DOWN! HIGH FIVE!

CYCLOPS' YOUNGER BROTHER HAVOK JOINS THE TEAM.

AND DUMB STORM HANGS OUT WITH DUMB FORGE SOME MORE.

SOME SHIT.

DAZZLER DOING SOME INSPIRING PANTOMIME.

HAVOK'S GIRLFRIEND POLARIS IS POSSESED BY A BAD GUY AND JOINS THE MARAUDERS.

WHAT A BITCH.

THESE TWO AGAIN. GET A ROOM.

STORM FIGHTS A SNAKE.

CATCHES SOME FISH.

WOLVERINE GETS HIGH.

MADELYNE PRYOR CHECKS OUT HAVOK'S BALLS.

ROGUE PUMPS SOME IRON.

MAN THIS ISSUE IS JAM PACKED WITH ACTION.

LONGSHOT FARTS ON SOME PEOPLE. 

AND NOW FOR THE BIG FINISH!

I KNOW THIS IS GETTING TEDIOUS BUT WE'RE ALMOST DONE.

HE IS A REAL COWBOY!

THESE TWO ASSHOLES ARE FIGHTING FOR THE FATE OF THE UNIVERSE!

HEY TAKE A FUCKING CHILL PILL WHY DON'T YOU!

THAT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN. EVEN IF IT'S CONSENSUAL.

ALMOST THERE.

THAT WAS MY PERSONAL FAVORITE.

AND THAT WAS MY SECOND FAVORITE.

WHAT IS TO BECOME OF THE FUCKIN X-MEN!?!

THE FINAL BATTLE!

RIGHT AFTER A SMOOTH BELCH!

THEY VANQUISH THE ADVERSARY. 

BUT THEY DIE ANYWAY.

BUT ROMA BRINGS THEM BACK TO LIFE. 

BUT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD STILL THINKS THEY'RE DEAD, BUT THATS OK SINCE IT WAS ALL PART OF STORM'S OMEGA PLAN, OR SOMETHING.

ANYWAY, THATS THE TALE OF THE X-FELLERS! THEY GO TO AUSTRALIAN NOW FOR MORE FUN TIMES AND ADVENTURES. LIKE 50 MORE ISSUES OR SO!

FUCK YEAH WE'RE REALLY DOING IT!