Hey what do you know about X-Men costumes or anything?

I know what you're thinking. Hey, asshole, any asshole can go read through Claremont's X-Mens and make asshole comments about them on some asshole blog. What makes YOU such a bona fide X-Manholic? How do WE know you're not just some asshole who is full of shit like some shitty asshole?

Well I'll tell you, you think some really lame thoughts, but irregardlessable, just to prove my impeccable credentials, I'm going to take a break from sequentially reading and writing about my comics and paste a bunch off variant covers that Marvel is producing that I've culled from the web. Why? Because I have too much free time. But also because each variant cover (13 of them) has between 4 and 5 drawings of one particular X-Manne in various costumes worn over the years. My job will be to assholishly describe where and when each X-Men wore each costume, thus proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that I've spent a dick ton of time consuming the Marvel X-verse, as only a true fan of the characters would. And I will do all of this without looking up a single thing on the innernebs or wikipeepeeduh

THE PROOF IS IN THE MOTHEFUCKING PUDDING BABY.

Oh nice, Wolveroonie up first. The first costume is from Wolvie's first appearance, when he bitch slapped the Hulk. His mask got a slight revamp (for the better) in his next appearance in Giant Size X-Bags 1, due to some artistic mistake that ended up sticking (look it up on the Internet you don't believe me). Then John Byrne decided it was fucking dumb for a stelthy animalistic hunter tracker to wear a bright yellow costume with blue highlights so he gave a brown and orange (?) costume and an enormous red belt. This stuck for a while until the X-Men when up into the united states of space around th end of Claremont's run and Jim Lee, who always preferred the yellow and blue, put him in a replica of the original X-Man costume from the 60's (throwback jersey?). Then John Cassiday gave the yellow and blue another makeover for his Astonishing X-men run with Joss (Buddy the Van Tire Changer) Whedon, which is basically the same thing as the very first costume but with more tiny lines.

Winner: Byrne's brown and orange. Practical color scheme AND the armpits are cut out for increased ventilation and exposed hair. What's not to love?

Shit this is going to take awhile isn't it? Ok, Storm, first costume is from her All New All Different introduction. Then she went punk and back a dominatrix with a mohawk, which was an admirable attempt to shake this up but also looked totally fucking ridiculous. The 3rd costume was worn only for a few pages in an X-Men/New Mutants summer annual crossover that was never scene again, though was exquisitely drawn by the master Arthur Adams. Then Jim Lee decided the early 90's meant all women need big puffy shoulder pads in their costumes and full body suits. Finally, Storm got a redesign of her classic look, that keep the better elements of the decidedly 70's look while updating the rest.

Winner: The new classic

Hey it's fucking Sabretooth, who started out a monstrous villain, then became a retarded good guy, and now I have no clue (what? I'm being honest.) The first look is classic costume with ample shag carpet accents. It was too simple and recognizable so they updaeted the look in the 90's with more superfluous detail. Then they just gave up the whole costume idea and but him in leather pants and vests. He looks like a complete douche now. Save me a seat at the Linkin Park costume, dickhead.

Winner: the Byrne design from his Powerman & Iron Fist incarnation. It's the only one that resembles an actual super villain costume, for which I am a sucker.

The sin quo non of Rogue is her skunk stripe/clump of hair, plus some green in her costume. Other than that, as you can see, peaple have just put her in whatever they fuck clothes they felt like. A green plastic hoodie to start? Ok. Black tights and an 80's, punkish one shoulder sweatershirt? Yeah fine (she never really rocked the mohawk like that, though). A fucking metal chest plate and groin high boots to go through the Siege Perilous (look it up)? Sure, why not? A fucking Jim Lee bomber jacket and shit? Fucking do it up! And then back to the little green riding hood inspired look.

Winner: I do love some good groin high boots. You can suck my powers and brain any time you want Rogue.
Yes - I'm back from a day or so of frigging off to prove I'm a bovine fide X-Master of magnitude proportions. Lets get this shit over with, shall we?

Ah, Magnetballs. Magneemo first outfit here with the big goofy M on it is when he turned himself over to the authorities and allowed himself to be put on trial for killing a Russian town and a Russian sub and maybe some other fuckers. He get's let off the hook somehow and then tries Xavier's dream for a while, which would make him an Uncle Tom in the Malcom X/MLK Jr paradigm that was original set up between those two nemeses, wearing the next costume without the helmet or the big goofy M. Then put on that cloaky thing and his psi-proof helmet during some later years where I was out in college, not reading comics and getting laid like none of the time. Now he's back in his original, medievaly looking duds, which would probably look the most bad ass except for the fact that's he's wearing his underwear on the outside.

Winner winner chicken dinner: #2. You need a high tolerance for the color purple but i like that his pants are just normal pants and not tights or a full body suit or whatever.

"Mean" Jean Grey never did get a nickname that stuck. She started with the dumb "Marvel Girl" name, which was ditched after everyone realized it was insulting. She had that in her original "student" outfit and then in her super impractical green dress with the super short skirt and that big yellow butterfly mask. They skip her green Phoenix costume and skip right to her genocidal, maroon Dark Phoenix kit. Then it's a complete Jim Lee make over, replete with sholder pads and meaningless pouches, and finally to the New X-Men Frank Quietly design. Now she's dead again, I think. (Spoilers!)

Winnar! Dark Phoenix. You going to led the wanton murder of 5 billion fish people get in the way of haute superhero couture? I didn't think so.

This is dumb, Iceman doesn't really have any costumes, he's just made out of ice. All though that first "costume" is jut the original drawing of him by Jack Kirby that was more Snowman than Iceman. I don't know when he wore the black leather gear but it's dumb.

Winner: Uh, the Iceman look I guess.

I don't know much about this Hope character, since there's like eleventy billion X-titles currently being published and I only read one. She's clearly the hottest in the first depiction so that is the winner. Haha, just kidding that's gross.

Even though Havok's first all black with tin foil highlights looks the coolest artistically, it's completely stupid. Look at that shit on his head? Who would do that if they were making themselves a costume. The second is all 90's, with the shoulder pads and face, uh, outline mask? (Interestingly, that drawing is by Larry Stroman, who designed the second costume there, when they relaunched the title with and all new line up and the great Peter David handling the writing). I don't know much about the next two. One has rec specs and the other the dumb face outline thing.

Winner? Maybe I'll throw the 90's a bone and call Stroman's the winner, mostly for nostalgia.

Emma Frost had a code name, when she was the evil White Queen. Now she jut goes by Emma Frost most of the time. All her costumes are equally whorish and absurd. Corsets and thigh high boots seem to be her M.O. I like the classic S&M look but the Frank Quietly #2 is just so over the top with it's cleavage I think I have to make the the winner.

So yea boobs!

Yes, Cyclops, the best X-Pimp. He got to push it up in Jean Grey, Jean Grey's clone, Emma Frost, and he had Misty Knight's friend Coleen Wing absolutely begging for it. His first redesign after the original is the classic look, but the underwear on the outside is just no good. He really over did the whole "X" theme with the rest fo his team mates when they formed X-Factor, then Jim Lee'd out with like, 4 utility belts in the 90's. Then John Cassady gave him psuedo NFL uniform look with all that yellow piping.

Winner and still champion: I love them all but I'll go with the latest, "Astonishing" look. And anyone who doesn't think Cyclops is the best X-Men is just jealous that they aren't all up in Ema Frost's guts like he is.

The Beast with one back is probably on of the most under rated X-Men, and maybe in the whole Marvel Universe. Not as smart as Tony Stark and Reed Richards and not as strong as Colossus, or even Spider-Man. Also he's blue and furry and looks like a disgusting freak. He started out just caveman like, then accidentaly turned himself blue and furry (way to go Einstein), then back again to cromagnon man (not pictured), then blue again, then Frank Quietly put him in that stupid fucking singlet thing and made him cat like, instead of ape like, in apperance (or feline instead of simian, if youre into that whole Latin thing), and finally in the crap there at the end.

Winningest: The blue ape look with the Wolverine hair. He's just in underwear but when you look like Blanca from Street Fighter, all you need is a set of tighty whiteys (or bluies, whatever) to keep your dongus from flapping around and you're good to go.

Pretty boy angel started in the original student costume like the rest of the original X-Men, then gave himself a respectable look sponsored by the Anaheim Angels (after skipping his woeful ed suspenders look of the late 60's. Then WWIII joined X-Factor, put on the red X costume and got crucified by the Morlocks, then kidnapped by Apocolypse and turned into that weird blue skin with the purble shit all over it by Walt Simonson (not your best work, Walt), and finally into whatever variation of that design he's in know. I think it's in Uncanny X-Force, but it's new shit so I'm not sure.

The best of the best: Probably the second look. Although the red X-Factor garb is ok. Either way, Angel sucks. Ooh, you can fly, so can like, 50 other superheroes. And all someone has to do is rip those pussy wings of and you're screwed. I'm surpised it didn't happen earlier than it did. His only real value to the X-Men is his personal fortune, which he uses to bankroll shit. Otherwise he should fuck off and leave the superheroics to those that know what they are doing.

Ok, that's it. This took longer than I thought so I'm not going to proof read it, which means theres going to be a bitch ton of typos but there isn't a god damn thing I'm going to do about it. So eat my shit, typos.

I hope I was able to prove that I do, in fact, know some shit about the X-Men, because of you don't believe me then I don't know what I would do. Probably drink. Say, great idea.