What we learn this issue besides the fact that Rachel's Summer's "Mrs Kurt Warner" haircut is irresistible to club owning mulletted playboys of the early 80's.
HEY EVERYONE, LET'S MEET FORGE, THE POPPED COLLAR RUGBY PLAYING NATIVE AMERICAN DOUBLE AMPUTEE CYBORG MUTANT WHO OWNS THE FANCY CANE OF A GILDED AGE PLUTOCRAT.
LOOKIN SHARP FORGE"TMENOW".ALSO JUST OUT MY SCREENCAPPING AND MS PAINT SKILLZ. MAD LUXURIOUS I KNOW.
UNDERCOVER MOTHER, MYSTIQUE, IS STILL SEXILY INFILTRATING THE US GOVERNMENT, CONVINCING THE SEXY SPECIAL ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT'S NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR, VALARIE COOPER, THAT SHE IS REALLY RAVEN DARKHOLME, DARPA EMPLOYEE. MYSTIQUE EVEN EMPLORE SPECIAL AGENT COOPER TO "CALL ON ME, VALARIE. COME AND SEE, I'M THE SAME DEADLY MUTANT ASSASSIN I USED TO BE."
TIME TRAVELLING MUTANT SPAWN OF CYCLOPS AND MARVEL GIRL FROM ALTERNATE FUTURE DYSTOPIA, RACHEL SUMMERS, IS A DEPRESSING, WEEPY, CRY BABY WITH A TERRIBLE HAIRCUT.
ALL-POWERFUL, MILLENIA OLD SOUL SUCKING MUTANT SELENE IS NAMED AFTER THE GREEK WORD FOR MOON, FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON AT ALL, AND NOT THE MEXICAN-AMERICAN POP SENSATION OF THE EARLY 90'S, SELENA.
RACHEL SUMMERS REALLY IS PRETTY TERRIBLE.
oops, forgot to add the background color.
So it's been a while since I've rapped about my favorite band of mutant outcasts, feared and hated by the people they've sworn to projectile vomit on, but now that my Buffy the fuggin Vampire Annihilator project is over, I've got lots more time to devote to these fucking X-Men.
This issue is fairly straight forward. We're introduced to Forge, a character that represents so many minorities he is perhaps only eclipsed by a college professor of mine, who was Black, Jewish, obese, a woman and a chain smoker, all at once. Forge makes weapons for the US gubmint, the latest of which is a neutralizer, a gun that eliminates super powers, which will soon eliminate Storms' super powers (SPOILER ALERT). Forge also lives in shithole Dallas, Texas, for no other reason than maybe he loves hot, humid, miserable weather and fat, ignorant, assholes in cowboy hats.
We also see Rachel Summers for the first time since the classic Days of Future Past storyline way back at the end of John Byrne's run as artist and co-plotter. Why you'd bring back this misfit from a future that can no longer be for so many convoluted reasons is beyond me, but here is she is nonetheless, back to make a mess of continuity like no other storyline in the history of comics has.
Rachel Summers, later to be known as Phoenix, has immense psychic and telekinetic powers, like her mother, Jean Grey (but not the Jean Grey who died on the Moon while back although she actually was never on the moon but really encased in magic rocks underneath Jamaica Bay in New York and - well you get the point). Also really powerful is Selene, so super old sorceress like mutant, who fights Rachel and some other X-Men until Professor Xavier get's off his lazy bald ass and saves the day.
This issue was great for the inclusion of Nick Damiano, the swinging 80's club owner with a heart of gold and a soft spot for wayward female mutants, adrift in the space time continuum, and flat top hairdos. In between keeping the dance floor of his club packed and rockin to the Moog symphonies of New Order and fellow snythpop prodigies, Nick Damiano likes to wear his leisure suits with tank tops and gold chains, and also to get turned into a pile of dust by evil super villains while awaiting a candle lit dinner with newly discovered, and likely mentally deranged, teenage mutant vagabond, Rachel Summers. His all too brief appearance in the Marvel Universe is a glorious sight to behold. He will be missed.
The issue ends with a soon to be de rigueur sob soaked breakdown by Rachel Summers as she laments the star crossed nature of her time travelling excursion. I was just trying to travel backwards through time and totally violate the laws of thermodynamics and the natural order of the universe, NO BIG DEAL! I don't understand how anything could go wrong! Oh shut up you blubbering cunt.
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