X-MEN 274: KRISSKROSSROADS

FOR THE FIRT TIME EVER - A COVER SO SHOCKING, SO SCANDALOUS, SO SOPHOMORIC, WE HAD TO PUT IT AFTER THE JUMP.

 

SO CLICK AHEAD IF YOU DARE!!!!!!!!!!!

X-Men 273: Too Many Mule Taints OR Whose Hog is This Anyway?







BY HOG I MEAN HOGAN. AND BY HOGAN I MEAN DONGER. AND BY DONGER I MEAN WHO PUT THIS DICK, ON MY BACK?

 



SLOTH REFERENCE. TIMELY, I KNOW.

THIS WAS PART OF AN AD FOR SKATE OR DIE, A VERY NICE VIDEO GAME FOR THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM. THE COPYWRITING IS FUCKING RADICAL.

CHILL-R-B-CHILLED IS MY RAP NAME BTW.

THATS A LOT OF FUCKIN MULE TAINTS.

I WISH I LIKED STORM MORE. SHE'S PROBABLY LIKE TOP 5 MOST IMPORTANT X-MEN. BUT SHE BLOWS. JUST LOOK AT THAT GOD DAMN HAIRCUT. HEY FUCK OFF STORM.

JUST SOME TYPICAL DANGER ROOM SHENANIGANS!

HERE IS ANOTHER CLASSIC MUTANT PRANK.

BACK IN THE DANGER ROOM, WOLVERIE UNHINGES HIS JAW AND FUCKS UP A FAKE LADY DEATHSTRIKE.

SOMETIMES FOR FUN I WALK AROUND MY OFFICE AND PRETEND I HAVE WOLVERINE CLAWS THAT ARE JUST SCRAPING THE FUCK OUT OF THE OFFICE WALLS. LIKE ON MY WAY TO THE BATHROOM AND I'M JUST CUTTING THAT SHIT UP. YEAH, FUCK YEAH. I'M A TOTALLY COOL DUDE.

WHOA, GAMBIT BEAT WOLVERINE IN THE FUCKING DANGER ROOM. HOLY SHIT. GAMBIT: NOT FUCKING AROUND.

THE ONLY REAL VILLAIN OF THE ISSUE SHOWS UP BREIFLY WHEN JEAN GREY SLAPS ON THE CEREBRO HEAD GEAR AND GOES SEARCHING FOR THE UNREDISCOVERED X-MEN, ROGUE, LONGSHOT AND DAZZLER (THE ONLY ONE WE READERS HAVEN'T SEEN YET IS FUGGIN LONGSHIT), ON THE ASTRAL PLANE AND SUBSEQUENTLY GETS ATTACKED BY THE FUCKIN SHADOW KING. THE SHADOW KING IS A MASSIVE BUTT CAKE.



THESE ARE YOUR FUCKIN X-MEN. ASIAN PSYLOCKE, NOOB GAMBIT, WOLVERINE AND JUBILEE, OLD MAN BANSHEE, PIECE OF SHIT FORGE AND GOD DAMN STORM.

 

CYCLOPS, THE BEST X-MAN, WALKS AWAY WITH JEAN GREY, THIS SLIT HE'S BEEN FILLING. THEY'LL BOTH BE BACK AFTER THE NEXT STORY ARC, THO.

 

Great, grand, wonderful, another treat from Claremont. It's basically his last chance to look back wistfully at his long run on the X-Men, as this is a fairly slow paced, reflective issue, with most of the action provided courtesy of Danger Room sequences.

 

Cable gets to be the editorial stand in, lecturing Storm and the X-Men to get their shit together and start acting like a proper fucking super hero team. Claremont has been ordered by the editors to get back to more traditional comic book storytelling and quit with the random, wandering X-Men stories. I think getting the team back together, for the sake of the narrative, was probably a good idea, however I'm with Claremont when it comes to some of the other edicts, especially the return to the original original (ie 1960's) uniforms. The fuck are the point of them? Stupid.

 

This issue is also the last before Jim Lee begins his tenure as co-plotter, another signal of Claremont's imminent departure from the series he grew into the industry juggernaut it remains today. If you think about, Disney bought Marvel for 4 billios a few years ago. Lets say a quarter of that value is Spider-Man, a quarter for the X-Men, and the other half for the Avengers and the rest of the Marvel Universe. Claremont is responsible for at least 50% of the X-Men's success, if not more. Without Claremont, the X-Men would be worth as much as their DC's analog, the Doom Patrol. Supposedly there are some excellent Doom Patrol comics out there, but as intellectual property they aren't worth much. ANYWAY, back of the envelope calculations: Claremont created 500 million dollars of value for his employers.

 

GOOD JOB CLAREMONT YOU ARE A FUCKING STUD.

 

I mean that, truly.

 

Then in the last panel, the X-Men are whisked away by Lila Cheney, who (or whom, if you're a pendantic grammar douche) we last saw running away from some dickheads in the Shiar Empire, somewhere out there in fucking outer space.

 

Can't wait to see what happens next. I'm guessing some fucking space battles. Fuckin space.



X-MEN 272: GABIDLE GRYMZ EGGS THINK SHIN AH GEM DUH BARD ZEBIN

BALD CHICKS ARE HOT PRETTY MUCH NEVER, BUT I GUESS STORM IS MAKING IT WORK HERE. 

 

CABLE ALSO APPEARS TO HAVE A SPARE BLUE TOOTH ATTACHED TO HIS HIP. FUCKING LOVES HIS BLUE TOOTH THAT GUY CABLE.

CLAREMONT HAS BEEN SETTING UP HIS ISSUES OF THE CROSSOVERS (SO THE NON CRAP ISSUES) WITH BROADCAST NEWS SEGMENTS. HERE HE DOES THE MULTIPLE INTERVIEW THING AND INCLUDES A BUNCH OF EASTER EGGY JOKES. I'VE POINTED OUT THE ONES I CAN FIGURE.

NO IDEA WHO LUCAS HAMILTON IS. STILL, VERY GOOD FUN. ESPECIALLY THE PUNISHER, WHOSE IDENTITY MUST BE INFERRED.

THESE DOUBLE SPREAD PAGES ARE PRETTY TITS. ONE OF JIM LEE'S MANY HOMAGES TO THE JOHN BYRNE DAYS.

SOMETIMES EVEN WOLVERINE GETS HIS ASS HANDED TO HIM (ALTHOUGH HERE IT'S ONLY AFTER HIS MUTANT POWERS HAVE BEEN REMOVED AND HIS HANDS CUFFED BEHIND HIS BACK).

GOD DAMN JIM LEE IS FUCKING AWESOME.

PRETTY MUCH ALL THE X-BAGS HAVE BEEN CAPTURES BTW.

CAMERON HODGE MAKES WOLVERINE AND ARCHANGEL FIGHT EACH OTHER IN A PIT MATCH, BECAUSE HE'S FUCKING CRAZY.

SOME COMIC RELEIF. WONDERFUL BODY LANGUAGE BY LEE.

GAMBIT SHOWS OFF HIS LEET SKILLZ.

PYSLOCKE HAS A GUN. SHE ALSO FORMS AN UNEASY ALLIANCE WITH THE CHIEF MAGISTRATE LADY AS CAMERON HODGE IS NOW TOO FUCKING CRAZY EVEN FOR THE GENOSHANS.

TOTALLY NUCKIN FUTS.

Ain't never shoulda gotten in bed with Cameron Hodge, Genoshans. Sure, you're pissed at the X-Men for harboring escaped mutates. And Hodge hates mutants as much as anyone (more the most even), but did you not notice the giant robotic spider slug carapace his undead severed head is attached too? It's an unholy creation literally crafted by demons. Probably not the best guy to form an alliance with.

Things are looking pretty bleak for the X-Pals, as nearly all of them have been captured after their plans are foiled by Hodge. They're about to stand trial for capital crimes (hey that's the title of this issue!) and most likely executed. Luckily for them , all the high ranking Genoshans start turning against Hodge, and the reluctant new allies start their big counter offensive against abject psychopath Hodge.

Jim Lee continues killing it on a scale heretofore unknown to the comics industry. So very glad he never took his talents to, say, the movie or video game industry and instead drew X-Men comic books in the late 80's and early 90's. Luckily for us fanboys, video games back then were still stuck in 8-bit territory, and his skills would have been wasted on VGA garbage. Nowadays I imagine similar talents get scooped up to be the art director for the next Halo franchise.

Anyway, that's the end of Claremont's contributions to the X-tinction Agender. Two more total ass issues of New Mutants and X-Factor follow, which consist solely of X-Men and Hodge slugging it out in a rather boring and predictable manner. Except at the end, rather than, like, ripping Hodge's head to tiny pieces and reducing him to paste, they just throw his head at a collapsing building and decide it being buried under the rubble is good enough.

What the fuck? Idiots. He's already been decapitated once, and he made a deal with demons to come back from the dead and become some unkillable monster. You need to do better than that. Assholes.

Whatever, not my problem. Hodge will come back well after Claremont's last issue as part of some dumb shit called the Phalanx Covenant. That's when I really started checking out.

Also Storm is back to an adult (thankfully - I know it was probably an editorial dictum against Claremont's will, but adolescent Storm was a terrible idea from the start. I am glad it is over) and everyone gets their powers back.

Next issue a new status quo is established and Claremont's basically like, all right, you guys think you know better, you run the comic book, I'm outta here. 

X-MEN 271: FLAGE POYN! Thuh Ekstigwish Agenta: Bart Tree

YEP - MORE BELCH HUMOR. BECAUSE COMIC BOOKS CHARACTERS DO A LOT OF SCREAMING AND TURNING THOSE INTO BELCHES WILL NEVER NOT BE FUNNY TO ME.

 

AND YES, THAT IS FARVA/GILL/LANDFILL. GOOD CATCH.

 

WOLVERINE, WILL YOU LEAVE THE GOD DAMN TITLE LETTERS ALONE? I JUST GOT DONE FIXING THEM! THE FUCK, DUDE!

WELL WELL WELL, LOOK WHO DECIDED TO GRACE US WITH THEIR FUCKING PRESENCE.

OK LET'S GET WITH THE FIGHTING ALREADY.

THIS MAGISTRATE IS READY TO START PEGGING.

HERE'S A GREAT SEQUENCE. IT'S ALSO THE FIRST TIME PSYLOCKE USES THE WORDS "FOCUSED TOTALITY OF MY TELEPATHIC POWERS", WHICH WILL BECOME SHORTHAND FOR THE TOTALITY OF CLAREMONT'S TURGID EXPOSITORY DIALOG. MOST PEOPLE APPRECIATE IT FOR THE ENDEARING CAMP THAT IS. AND THOSE WHO FLAUNT IT AS SUPPOSED EVIDENCE OF HACKERY ARE MIRTHLESS BORES WITH STICKS, NAY LOGS, DEEPLY SUBSUMED INSIDE THEIR BUTTOCKS.

VERY MUCH ENJOY THE REACTION OF JUBILEE, BOOM BOOM AND RICTOR. ALSO THE PSYCHIC PLASMA, OR WHATEVER, LEAKING OUT OF THE MAGISTRATE'S EYES (HER NAME IS TAM, FYI). 

SEE BLADE RUNNER. THEN CHECK THIS OUT. SUPERB.

HAVOK! AT LEAST COVER YOUR MOUTH! GROSS!

MORE JIM LEE MASTERWORK. WOLVERINE MURDERS SOME FOOT SOLDIERS THAN GOES AFTER HAVOK.

WHAT'S ALMOST AS INCREDIBLE AS JIM LEE'S ACTION SCENES IS HOW HE HANDLES THE TALKING HEADS PORTIONS. CHANGING ANGLES AND DISTANCE. MIXING IT UP WHILE KEEPING A NATURAL PANEL FLOW. KEEPING THE VISUALS INTERESTING DURING OF CLAREMONT EXPOSITION. POETICAL, MELLIFLUOUS EXPOSITION, BUT THE WORDS TAKE UP A LOT OF SPACE NONETHELESS.

ANYWAY, HIM LEE IS FUCKING GOOD.

THERE ARE SOME WORD BUBBLES IN THE WAY, BUT THERE IS ONE OF THE FIRST TIMES WE GET A NICE CLEAN SHOT OF CAMERON HODGE'S ENTIRE FUCKED UP ROBOT SLUG MONSTER BODY. KIND OF A CROSS BETWEEN AN ALIEN QUEEN, A SKEKSIS, AND ROBOCOP. IT'S AWESOME. ALL HAIL JIM LEE.

 

I kind of wish the X-Men issues came at the end of the crossover cycle, as opposed to leading it off. The drop in quality from Claremont and Lee to Louise Simonson and Rob Liefeld and Jon Bogdanove is quite steep, and it would be better for the story if Claremont was able to clean up the messes rather than lead things off and then have to watch them fall apart. What's more, Liefield couldn't keep up with the schedule and the concluding chapter is done by a fill in artist, and it's truly wretched.

 

But, whatevs. Here we are in the middle, with Wolverine, Psycloke and Jubilee joining the fun. It's never made explicit but I assume they heard about all the shit going down in Genosha on the news (the comics are littered with scenes of mainstream network TV anchors reporting on the situation) and just made their way over from Madripoor.

 

They rescue Rictor and Boom Boom, two of the New Mutants who escaped but have had their powers wiped out by the Genoshan bad guy, Wipeout. Jubilee tries is dispatched, over her valley girl protestations, to shepard the youngsters to safety while Psylocke and Wolverine head deeper into Hammer Bay (capital of Genosha, natch) to rescue Storm and Wolfsbahne.

 

They kill some dudes, find and subdue brainwashed Havok (with another superfluous mention of Psyclocke's psychic knife, and it be the focused totality of her telepathic powers), but are then caught and majorly boned by Cameron Hodge. That guy is a real butt cake.

 

Then in Part 5, Wolfsbahne is turned into a mutate, a brainless slave of the Genoshan Government, and half of the remaining good guys are also captured. Then in Part 6, Leonard. Haha, no just a little Cosby humor. In Part 6 just about everyone else gets captured and Jena Grey makes out with Wolverine. How scandalous.

 

Part 7 is next, after which the crossover is concluded by two very shitty issues. Shittier even than part 5 & 6, which are both quite shitty.

 

Yes, X-Men without Claremont will often be shit, this is a lesson we've all learned by now.

X-MEN 270: Furds Dryke Dee Eggs Ding Chun A Jen Duh Pard Wun

HAVOK IS BACK! AND HE'S A BRAIN WASHED GENOSHAN SONOVABITCH! AND HE HATES COMIC BOOK TITLES! HE'S FUCKING THOSE LETTERS UP WITH FUCKING CIRCLES!

 

I HAD A MIDDLE SCHOOL ENGLISH TEACHER WHO USED TO SAY AGENDER. ALSO IDEAR, FOR IDEA. HEY, LEARN ENGLISH YOU STUPID BITCH. I THINK SHE WAS FROM LONG GUYLAND.

SO THIS IS WHAT PASSES FOR THE X-MEN THESE DAYS.

PATHETIC.

THERE SERIOUSLY IS NO REASON FOR STEVIE HUNTER TO SHOW UP AGAIN. IT MAKES NO SENSE AND SHE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING. SHE JUST STANDS THERE AND ADMONISHES PEOPLE FOR SOME BULLSHIT.

SO SOME MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR THE X-PALS MOVE BACK INTO THE BASEMENT OF THE DEMOLISHED X-MANSHUN, EXCEPT THE NEWD MUTAINTS ARE ALREADY THERE, TRAINING WITH THEIR NEW LEADER, GRIZZLED OLD WARRIOR, CABLE.

IT CREATES FUCKING TENSION.

HAHA, LIKE FROM DOUG FROM THE TV SHOW THE STATE.

CLASSIC.

THEN THERE IS SOME REMINISCING ABOUT THE GOOD OLD DAYS AND SOME SHOUTING ABOUT HOW THE TERRIBLY BORING NEW MUTANT DOUG RAMSEY, AKA CYPHER, WHO DIED. HE DIED BECAUSE HIS POWER WAS THE ABILITY TO TRANSLATE ANY LANGUAGE, WHICH DOESN'T MAKE FOR A VERY INTERESTING OR EXCITING SUPER HERO. SO THEY KILLED HIM.

ANYVAY, HERE EVERYONE IS, LALLYGAGGING OUT BY SOME LAKE, IN SOME STRING BIKINIS AND SPEEDOS, THROWING AROUND THE FRISBEE WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD.

OH NO, THE ROYAL MOUNTED GENOSHAN BIKER GANG!

GOD DAMN IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU LOVE JIM LEE. HEY YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE THE X-MEN EVEN COOLER? IF ROBOTECH SHOWED UP. OK SURE, YOU GOT IT!

ANYWAY, THE SUPED UP GENOSHANS KICK THE SHIT OUT OFF STORM AND A BUNCH OF THE NEW MUTANTS. STORM SAVES USELESS STEVIE HUNTER BY THROWING DOWN SOME HATCH AND LOCKING IT, WHICH UNFORTUNATLEY BLOCKS ALL THE REST OF THE X-DUDES AND NEW MUTIES FROM COMING TO THEIR RESCUE.

THANKS A LOT STORM. AND STEVIE HUNTER. GOD YOU BOTH SUCK.

LUCKILY CABLE IS NOT ABOUT TO LET THIS TRANSGRESSION GO UNANSWERED.

HE ALSO WANTS TO REMIND EVERYONE THAT FORGE IS A NATIVE AMERICAN. GREAT THANKS FOR THE REMINDER CABLE.

This is part 1 of the X-Tinction Agenda (it's important not to include the "E", as these are the X-Men, no the fucking Exmen), a crossover with the New Mutants and X-Factor that would completely fuck my whole world up, in a good way. At least the world that I had known for the first nine years of my life.

And honestly most of it is because of Jim Lee. He basically took every cool piece of science fiction from the last 20 years and threw it all magnificently onto the pages. I'm still recognizing new influences every time I reread these comics. Out fucking standing.

But for as great as the art and story is, it's also unfortunately about to bring about the departure of Chris Claremont from the Marvel Universe. He'll be back, after like a 8 year hiatus or something, and after 17 years on the same team comic book, he earned himself a respite and then some. It's just a shame that just as my tiny little mind was being blown apart from the culmination of decades of X-Men stories, the man most responsible for getting everything to this point was on his way out.

Oh well, que sera fucking sera.

Back to the comic book. It's fucking excellent. Duh. I don't think it's every explained why the Siege Perilous dumped Havok into Genoshan where he was brainwashed into serving the bad guys but there he is. So a bunch of good guys are captured and brought back to evil, apartheidy Genosha and the X-Men et al start planning their rescue. And Payback, grrr!

I won't be covering the X-Factor and New Mutant issues, because they mostly suck (though I sure did enjoy them at the time), but here's what happens next.

Part 2: The Genoshans kill Warlock, the robot alien New Mutant, while everyone else escapes except Wolfsbane, the teenage Scottish girl werewolf. Cameron Hodge, some guy who hates mutants, has gone crazy, fused himself to a hulking robot spider carapace thing, and taken over the Genoshan military, so he can accomplish his plan of killing all mutants everywhere. The President of Genosha and the Genegineer (just look him up), are dicks but they're not as crazy as Hodge, who is super crazy.

Part 3: All the good guys head over to Genosha to bring those fuckers down once and for all. They stop by Government official Valerie Cooper's place first (who I thought was under mind control by the Shadow King, but, eh whatever) and then land on Genoshan soil. Soon thereafter they are ambushed by a huge army of Genoshans, included Havok, who gets into a fist fight with Cyclops, his brother. Cyclops beats some sense into him and he starts to remember his past. Havok is then abruptly teleported away and everyone's like, ok, time for part 4.

NEXT: PART 4.

X-Men Annual 14: Days of Future Pants

OH BOY ANOTHER ANNUAL.

 

Despite having the master Arthur Adams drawing a Chris Claremont script, this issue is still kind of a turd. Mostly because it involves a boring crossover with X-Factor and the Fantastic Four. The FF really sucked during this era, probably the most boring family in all the Marvel Universe. And Louise Simonson's X-Factor squad was mostly crap.

But, Gambit and young Storm make it back to the X-Mansion (well the basement anyway, as the above ground structure is still nothing but rubble) and find Forge, Banshee and New Mutants, who have been squatting in the facilities during the X-Men's absence. So that's at least relevant to the regular series.

I also remember getting pissed off when I learned that this issue technically came out a couple weeks before X-Men 266, making it the first appearance of Gambit, even though the events in the book happen after the events of 266 based on the internal continuity of the comic books. This was also before the comic book shop opened up in my home town so I had to buy comics off spinner racks at some bobo convenience store by the train station and I never bought this issue. So I had to get much later because it costs like 20 bucks which IS BULLSHIT because as I mentioned, it IS NOT REALLY the first appearance of Gambit, it just happened that way because of the vagaries of Annual publishing schedules.

YUP STILL BITTER ABOUT THIS SHIT. I bought X-Men 266 for a dollar, I'm not shelling out 20 buckaroos for a shit annual just because you feebs can't keep up with story in the fucking books.

Whatever, this issue also starred Rachel Summers, who blows. MOVING ON DOT ORG.

X-MEN 269: ROWG REEDOO

HOW APPROPRIATE THAT ISSUE TWO SIXTY-NINE IS A SUPER SEXY ONE. LETS TAKE A GANDER AT THIS UNSTOPPABLE SENSUAL ASSAULT!

 

ROGUE USED TO BE A SHY, SOUTHERN TEENAGER OF NORMAL, TEENAGE PROPORTIONS. NOW SHE LOOKS LIKE A SUPER MODEL WITH PLUS SIZE FUN BAGS. EH SURE, WHATEVER.

HERE SHE IS, COMING OUT OF THE SIEGE PERILOUS. NUDE, NATURALLY.

PRIMORDALLY SEXY.

"I SURE HOPE THIS CYBORG IS OF THE DICKLESS VARIETY"

DON'T WORRY, ROGUE, IT IS.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? AMPUTEE TRON PORN? I THINK MY LAPTOP JUST POPPED A BONER.

LILA CHENEY, INTERGALATIC ROCKSTAR. KILLER BEWBS.

ABOUT AS GRATUITOUS AS IT GETS.

CORRECT CAROL DANVERS, THE ORIGINAL MS MARVEL. ITS ALSO AMANDA SEFTON, AND POLARIS. AND YOU'VE ALL GOT MASSIVE JUGS.

ALSO THERE'S A T-REX!

COMICS!
 

HE REALLY HATES IT WHEN YOU CALL HIM THAT.

Jim Lee lays the cheesecake on pretty thick as Claremont finally gets around to showing what happened to Rogue after she walked through the Siege Perilous like 20 issues ago or something. We also check in on a couple dangling plotlines as the stories are slowly being woven together.

Rogue shows up back in Australia and is immediately attacked by the killer outlaw cyborg gang, the Reavers (they love to Reave!). She's also attacked by Ms Marvel, whose powers Rogue stole a long time ago. Rogue and Ms Marvel teleport again with the help of Gateway, the mute aborigine that hangs out in Australia. Rogue ends up in the Savageland, a tiny enclave of prehistoric flora and fauna that sits above a geothermal hotspot in Antarctica, while Ms Marvel get marooned on Muir Island, which has been taken over by the Shadow King, who now has everyone under mind control. Ms Marvel ends up back in the Savegeland to fight Rogue, but is now also enthralled by the evil Shadow King. Eventually, fuckin Magneto shows up to save Rogue's life. We don't find out what happens to Ms Marvel and what happens next until several issues later because the next 3 X-Men will part of the 9 part X-Tinction Agenda crossover, along with X-Factor and the New Mutants, which takes place in Genosha.

Also Lila Cheney ran away from some fucking guy called the Strike Lord, who appears to have taken over the Shiar Empire and is probably a total bastard. Hey, the Shiar Empire, isn't that where Charles Xavier is supposed to be????

Again, we don't find out anything until after the crossover.

So, nice to have your back Rogue. Your breastuses are looking nice and your clevages are heaving.

Good issue, next is the massive x-over the blew my tiny little mind back in the day. Also an annual, with a much shittier x-over.