What we learned this mission:
WOLVERINE IS STILL A BAD ASS
CYCLOPS IS BEING A WHINY POOS POONANY AND DOESNT WANT WOLVERINE TO KILL THE QUEEN ALIEN. WHAT THE FUCK CYCLOPS, ITS NOT HUMAN, ITS A REMORSELESS SLAUGHTERING MACHINE, THERE IS NO MORAL DILEMMA, KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER ALREADY.
MY FIRST PET WILL BE NAMED REMORSELESS SLAUGHTERING MACHINE
I'M NOT KIDDING, I WILL REALLY NAME IT THAT
HAVOK ACTS OUT HIS IMPOTENT RAGE BY BLASTING SOME INNOCENT TWO-BY-FOURS. GROW UP, HAVOK.
THERE IS A 3 PAGE SCENE OF KITTY RUNNING AWAY FROM A BROOD ALIEN THAT BLATANTLY COPIES SIGOURNEY WEAVER'S LAST SCENE IN THE MOVIE ALIEN. MORE IMPORTANTLY, KITTY'S 14 YEAR OLD BOSOMS ARE PRACTICALLY SPILLING OUT OF HER TORN DRESS. WHATS UP WITH THE KIDDIE PORN. WAIT, KITTY PORN, KIDDIE PORN, WOW I JUST THOUGHT OF THAT!
CYCLOPS: SO LILANDRA, TIME TO GO HOME IN OUR SPACE SHIP NOW?
LILANDRA: NOT SO FAST CYCLOPS, ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN WHY NOT WITH SOME MADE-UP TECHNO BABBLE SPACE JARGON. YOU SEE, WE ARE STILL TOO DEEP WITHIN THE SOLAR GRAVITY WELL TO SHIFT INTO WARP SPACE. WHILE WE REMAIN AT SUBLIGHT VELOCITIES, WE ARE VULNERABLE.
CYCLOPS: YEAH, WHATEVER, BITCH.
Cosair really does look like a SUPER DUPER gay space pirate, although he is apparently banging his fellow 'Starjammer' who is a female cat person with a big skunk tail. I'm not sure if that's better than just being gay for male humans. Anyway, in a cut scene back at earth, Havok recaps all the events leading up to now, so why not let him explain what the fuck is up with the X-Tards in space? Take it away lamer younger brother of Cyclops: "The X-men and Empress Lilandra have been kidnapped. Lilandra's sister, Deathbird, is making a bid to seize the Shi'ar throne. That whole galactic empire is coming apart at the seams, as everyone chooses sides. Evidently, Deathbird allied herself with a race of aliens from beyond known space, the Brood."
Man, isn't expository dialog sweet? And now the Brood have injected all the X-Mans with their seed and only Wolverine was able to cure himself with his mutant healing factor. Even so, he rescues the rest of his infected X-Men and they escape with Lilandra on her space yacht (though they don't know yet that they are infected by Brood sperms. Ew sick, I hate Brood sperms!)
Nothing too important happens, except for the X-Men all acting like a bunch of queers except Wolverine, who has no qualms executing evil bug like killer aliens. I seriously don't understand how you can say killing these things is wrong. Well, besides the fact that is a fucking ridiculous made up comic book. BUT IF IT WERE REAL!!!!
Sorry, I just started hyperventalting and had to chug a 2 liter of Mountain Dew to calm myself down.
Anyway, the X-Men are in space, infected with alien sperm, and the last panel is their space yacht (I would kill my parents to own a real space yacht, just by the by) being targeted by aliens and about to be blown up. Yawn. Not too worried.
Hey when you guys here the opening guitar part to Katy Perry's Teenage Peen, doesn't it remind you of the superior song, Lazy Eye, by the Silversun Pickups? Well, my point is this: I would totally bone both the Silversun Pickups' bassist AND Katy Perry. Both at the same time if I have to. I'll show no favorites. That's just the kind of guy I am. I do it not for the mind blowing, ball draining orgasms, but because its the RIGHT thing to do.
Also Cyclops is still the best X-Man.
No comments:
Post a Comment