X-Men 171: ROGAINE

What we learned this issue as Rogue is welcomed to the X-Men and her survival of the experience is wished by all

STORM IS NOW THE LEADER OF THE MORLOCKS AND SHE COMMANDS THEM TO ALL BE AS BIG A PUSSY AS SHE IS

EVEN THOUGH CYCLOPS AND MADELYNE PRYOR WERE ON THIER FIRST DATE LAST ISSUE, THEY ARE ALREADY SHARING A BED AND SPLITTING ONE SET OFF PAJAMAS TO SLEEP IN. AND SO IT SEEMS MADELYNE HAS A SCRATCHY THROAT IN IS JUST A LITTLE WHORSE. HAHA THAT WAS A PUN.

THAT SPASTIC TWAT CAROL DANVERS IS BACK AS BINARY AGAIN. FUGGIN GREAD. JUST WHAT I WANTED. MORE CAROL FUGGIN DANBURS. SHID.

ILLYANA RASPUTIN STILL HAS SOME HANG UP OVER SEEING THE EVIL DEMON THAT IMPRISONED AND RAPED HER FOR SEVEN YEARS. JEEZ, BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT ALREADY, WILL YA?

ROGUE SHOWS UP AND WANTS TO BE A GOOD GUY AND XAVIER LETS HER IN OVER THE OBJECTIONS OF BINARY, WHO PUNCHES THE FUCK OUT OF ROGUE, AND STORM, WHO JUST POUTS AROUND LIKE A RAGING MEGA BITCH. PERIOD MUCH, STORM? JUST STUFF A TOWEL IN THERE AND MOVE ON, SOME OF US HAVE SHIT TO DO, YOU KNOW.

WHEN ROGUE FIRST SHOWS UP COLOSSUS ANSWERS THE DOOR AND THEY SHARE A PLEASANT CONVERSATION LIKE PALS:

I don't know why Claremont has such a tremendous boner about Carol Danvers, aka Ms Marvel, but hopefully we've seen the last of her this issue, but I'm not sure. She fucks off after clocking Rogue literally into outer space (and I do mean literally, this is a comic book, remember) and it may or may not be the last we've seen of her.

Another of Claremont's creepy female character fetishes pops up again not unlike an erection, in Madelyne Pryor. It's unclear exactly what Claremont originally had planned for this character, since her history gets all kinds of fucked up in later issues years on down the road, but here, in like her second or third appearance (or some other number, what am I, a fucking X-Douche Encyclopedia?) she tells Cyclops that she survived a horrible plane crash at the exact same time Jean Grey, Scott's ex-girlfriend, was committing suicide on the moon (some love life, this guy). So I think it's pretty obvious that Claremont wants Jean Grey back in comics and so he just created this "other" Jean Grey with a different name and now she and Cyclops are going to get married and retire from the super hero game together. It's pretty fucking weird tho, being that attached to some made up character in comics. I mean who gives a fucking shit about comic book characters? Fucking nerds, get a fucking life!

And Walt Simonson is the guest penciler for this issue. Simonson is a totally rad dude who made some legendary comics in his day (writing and drawing), but this issue is a little off. He may have been rushed or the inker, Bob Wiacek, may not have been familiar enough with his pencil work or maybe something else. But it's still not bad, by any stretch. Also, true story, I met Walt Simonson at the Baltimore Comic-con and he signed my copy of X-Factor 15. Fucking cool, right? Totally!

And Rogue officially joins the X-Men, which will of course lead to all sorts of angsty drama amongst the X-Turds as Rogue is a former bad guy and adopted daughter of super villain Mystique so how can she be trusted? She can't! What the fuck were you thinking Xavier you dickhead!

Oh and Wolverine returns next issue after spending the last 4 months in his own mini-series. Look at the commitment to continuity, people! You don't see that very often these days. Fuckin christ I am lame.

Still: yea Wolverine! Fuck shit up!