X-Men 153: Kitty's Totally Gay Fairy Tale

WHAT WE LEARNED IN THIS QUEER ISSUE:

ALL ACTION PAUSES WHILE KITTY TELLS A BEDTIME STORY TO COLOSSUS' LITTLE SISTER ILLYANA

THATS FUCKING IT, THE STORY IS ILLUSTRATED AND TAKES UP MOST OF THE BOOK AND ALL THE X-MEN HAVE BEEN REPLACED WITH LAME FANTASY WIZARD HOBBIT SHIT

ALSO WOLVERINE IS A BEER CHUGGING TASMANIAN DEVIL TYPE CALLED THE FIEND WITH NO NAME

AND NIGHTCRAWLER IS A LECHEROUS SMURF

ALSO FUCK THIS, I READ IT A THOUSAND TIMES AS A YOUNGSTER AND LOVED IT BUT GUESS WHAT, I AINT NO FUCKIN KID ANYMORE, NO SIR, I'M A GROWN MAN, LIKE THAT OSU FOOTBALL COACH

Yeah, that's it. there's really nothing else to it. Moving on!

X-Men 152: The Swell Pile of Man Shits

WHAT WE LEARNED IN PART 2 OF THE MIND SWITCHEROOBYROO:

TOOK ME A WHILE TO WORK OUT A PARODY FOR "THE HELLFIRE GAMBIT" BUT I'M FINE WITH HOW THAT TURNED OUT. REALLY, I LIKE IT, SO WHATEVER, MAN.

THOSE HELLFIRE HENCHMEN FUCKERS WOLVERINE SLICED TO RIBBONS IN X-MEN 133 DIDN'T DIE BUT ARE NOW CYBORGS? FUCK THAT! ALLRIGHT SO CYBORGS ARE RAD, BUT FUCKIN WOLVERINE CUT THEM TO PIECES, THEY SHOULD BE FUCKIN DEAD.

NIGHTCRAWLER'S GIRLFRIEND AMANDA USES MAGIC TO FREE THE X-MEN WHO DEFEAT THE HELLFIRE CLUB (AGAIN) AND STORM AND EMMA FROST SWITCH BACK BY NORMAL, ALSO WITHOUT EXPLANATION, BECAUSE FUCK IT.

AND I GUESS SOME OTHER SHIT HAPPENS, I LIKE WOLVERINE HOLDING STORM BACK AT THE END BECAUSE SHE IS MAJORLY PMS'ING OVER EMMA'S DIRTY POOL. WOW THATS SO FUCKING INTERESTING, WHAT A CRAZY TWIST ON THE CHARACTERIZATION IN AN ISSUE FULL OF LITERAL ROLE SWITCHING. CLAREMONT YOU HAVE THE SKILLS OF A MASTER CRAFTSMAN THATS FOR SURE.

WHATEVER HERE IS THE FUCKING CARTOON

AH YES, HOT LESBIANS, WE ALL LOVE THEM!

AND IF YOU HAVE A HARD ON FOR A SKILLED, THOUGHTFUL SUMMARY AND ACCOMPANYING COMMENTARY, BY ALL MEANS GET YOUR BONERS TWANGING THISAWAY.

X-Men 151: X-Men Pinus Won!

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE OF TRADING PLACES AND FREAKY FRIDAYS:

I'M TIRED OF WRITING RECAPS SO JUST DEAL WITH ME SCREAMING THESE OBSERVATIONS IN CAPSLOCK, BABY

KITTY'S BECOME A CHILD OF DIVORCE AND SO HER PARENTS SEND HER TO THE HELLFIRE CLUB RUN EVIL MASSACHUSETTS ACADEMY FOR NO GOOD REASON BUT FOR THE PLOT'S SAKE

SO XAVIER'S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTER'S IS DOWN TO ZERO STUDENTS. THAT'S GOTTA HURT THEIR ALUMNI PLEDGE DRIVE.

WITH DIVORCED PARENTS, NO ONE WANTS TO TELL KITTY TO PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON MISSY AND STOP STROLLING ABOUT LIKE COMMON STREET TRASH. SERIOUSLY, SHE'S 13, ENOUGH WITH THE BIKINIS AND PEDO-CHEESECAKE.

AND WHY IS THERE A MASSIVE COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM KITTY? PR0N, THAT'S FUCKIN WHY.

THE BIG TWIST IS EMMA FROST AND STORM CHANGE BODIES BY MEANS OF, WELL BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF ME, ITS NEVER EXPLAINED, BUT THATS HOW IT GOES.

MORE HELLFIRE HENCHMEN! LETS DO THE ROLL CALL! Harvey! Janet! (HEY IT'S A LADY!) Salvatore! Cam! Jacko! Mancusi! Skipper! Murray! Angelo! Cole! Rosen! Lou!

NIGHTCRAWLER AND AMANDA SEFTON GET WITH SOME HOT MUTANT ELF ON GYPSY SORCERESS ACTION!

MORE BIG EVIL PURPLE ROBOTS ATTACK!

I'M FUCKING SICK OF ALL THIS MOTHERFUCKING SHOUTING!

If you seriously want a recap, just check out this kick ass blog: http://geoffklock.blogspot.com/search/label/Claremont This guy Jason knows his shit and is almost done doing the WHOLE Claremont run with REAL analysis, not a bunch of bad MS Paint and dick and fart jokes.

BUT GUESS WHAT? I LOVE DICKS AND FARTS, SO THIS ISN'T GOING TO END EITHER, NOT BY A LONGSHOT HOT DAMN IT.

X-Men 150: I, Maggsiepoo... finally show you pussies what a man with balls looks like!

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

DON'T FUCK WITH MAGNETO

IF YOU USE A SUBMARINE TO FUCK WITH MAGNETO, HE WILL KILL YOUR SUB AND THEN KILL A WHOLE TOWN

MAGNETO ALSO LIKES DRESSING UP HIS GUESTS IN TENTACLE THEMED FISH-COSTUMES

LETS FACE IT, YOU WANT TO STAY AWAY FROM MAGNETO FOR MANY REASONS

XAVIER IS STILL HANGING OUT WITH THAT ASS WOUND DR CORBEAU

MAGNETO IS A HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR. GREAT TWIST FOR THE EARLY 80'S, NOT SO PLAUSIBLE THESE DAYS.

OH GREAT, ANOTHER FUCKING STAR WARS REFERENCE AT THE END

STORM, GOD DAMN IT, YOU ARE THE BIGGEST SAGGING VAGINA IN SUPERHERO HISTORY. JUST KILL THE FUCKIN GUY ALREADY.

Recap: Ok, now we're talking. This issue is all about Magneto, or as Wolverine calls him, Bucket Head, and as his mom calls him 'whadya mean the abortion didn't take, how is that possible?'

I probably could have found a better context for that joke but whatever.

So Magneto starts off by reminding everyone why he is such a bad ass and tells the entire world that hes going to take over and fuck you if you think otherwise. Of course the Russians fire missiles at him so he immediately sends that sub and it's whole crew to an icy death at the bottom of the ocean. Then, Magnet Breath causes a volcano to erupt underneath a small city in Sibera with a machine he invented to do this time of thing (why not? he's fucking Magneto, bitch). It's implied that he gave many of the inhabitants time to escape but I prefer to picture them all burning to fucking death as hot molten lava rains down upon their helpless souls. It's living hell, motherfuckers, and you are all fucked, BIG TIME.

The X-Males are not happy about this, obviously, and infiltrate this alien island headquarters. Cyclops is already there, "just by amazing fucking coincidence" with fellow shipwreckee, Lee Forrester, whose character is basically forgotten after this issue. No regular X-Man stuffings for you, lady. Anyway, the other X-Men are eventually discovered and theres 16 pages of awesome X-Man on Magneto violence, it being a double sized issue, and the X-men only win because Magneto thinks he kills Kitty and he is reminded of his own child being killed because off WWII and he runs away like a little bitch.

Of course Kitty is not dead and so once again it pays off to have a 13 year old chick around when fighting evil super villains. This also marks a turning point for Magneto as he continues on a path toward becoming a good guy afterwards. I was kind of digging the ruthless psychopath, Magneto, to be honest, but I guess there's only so far you can take that kind of character.

And the ending has what is probably the closest Claremont's come yet to a joke that's actually funny. Kitty plays a Yoda inspired prank with Colossus playing the unwitting straight man, whose deadpan delivery is pitch perfect. But, alas, 'comic book dialog' spoils the punch line. Part of that kind of scripting makes it fun but the other part makes it sound totally retarded. Here, listen:

Wolverine: "Use the Force" huh? Folks, I think we've just been suckered.

Kitty: Uh, guys, can't you take a joke?

Nightcrawler: Those, Katzchen, are what you call... FAMOUS LAST WORDS.

Nobody fuckin talks like that, come on! Whatever, still a much better issue than what we've been reading. I think theres some more crap coming up for a while, im not sure. Either way, I need to figure out a way to pick up the pace. This shit is taking way to long.

X-Men 149: And the BREAD shall CARRY the LIVER! y'know, like a liver sandwich. yum!

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

WOLVERINE MAKES THE MOST AWESOME STATEMENT IN HISTORY: "WHEN IT COMES TO THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE - NAMELY BREW AND BROADS - I AM VERY PRECISE." FUCK YEAH, DUDE.

WOLVERINE IS NEVER NOT DRINKING BEER

WOLVERINE FUCKING OWNS

THAT'S A SWEET COSTUME KITTY, JUST LIKE I'M SURE THE BOX IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAW IS FULL OF OREGENO

sigh.... recap time: Gangway for a another runaway avalanche of crap, from out the anus of comic royalty it squirts.

This issue is interesting because Kitty takes upon her self (stoned out of her gourd no doubt) to start wearing a new costume of her own design. Quite literally, it sucks on skates. I like the idea though, the concept that Kitty is so young and impetuous that she'd do something like this and because she's a no-nothing thirteen year old brat, this is her idea of good taste. Plus, as they point out in the book, its not that impractical to wear roller skates all the time if you can alternatively float through the air over rocky terrain.

Anyway, Xavier sends the X-Men to Magneto's old layer on the volcano (remember that one? Magnaman took they X-Fellas there in a floating carnival trailer because comic books are fucking insane), where they are attacked by Garokk, that stupid asshole from the Savage Land who is for some unknown reason, now commanded by Magento to protect his old base from intruders.

It's fucking stupid and Garokk is a total dipshit and nothing like he was when he last appeared in these pages. The whole point of this issue is for Kitty to stow away on the Blackbird SR-71 so she could be part of the mission and for the other X-Men, especially that wet blanket Storm, to be super mad at her but in the end Kitty Pryde, er, I mean 7-Up, er, I mean SPRITE, ends up saving the day. Great, so they lesson is always take 13 year old girls with you on deadly super hero missions.

Now that that piece of excrement is over with we can finally fight fucking Magneto and hopefully not suck nearly as hard as these last few issues.

X-Men 148: does little baby mutant want it's bottle?

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

BANSHEE CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF ALL HIS ERRANT SPERMS

DAZZLER: THE FEMALE KENNY LOGGINS

ANGEL QUIT. GOOD RIDDANCE. HOW USELESS IS THAT GUY, HONESTLY? OOH, YOU FLY? BIG DEAL, I HAVE A REVOLVER. NOW YOURE DEAD. NICE WORK MR FLYING SUPERHERO FAGGOT.

OH GREAT, FUGGIN MAGNETARD IS BACK

LOOKS LIKE DAZZLER OVERDID THE BOTOX A LITTLE IN MY DEPICTION, EH? YIKES

yet another pointless recap: This issue was not unlike a hearty helping of warmed-over poop soup. The main story follows Storm, Kitty Pryde, Stevie Hunter (Claremont is really pushing Kitty's useless dance instructor on us for some reason) and Spider-Woman (who is guest starring presumably because lazy Claremont was concurrently writing her title as well) on a girls night out to see fuckin Dazzler.

At the night club INFINITY, which let 13.5 year old Kitty Pryde in for some reason, they are attacked by mutant loser freak Caliban. I actually like his power, to feed off and grow stronger on other people's fear of his grotesque appearance, but the plot line goes now where. Caliban tries to abduct Kitty, is stopped by team girl squad and then everyone goes home.

Over in the b-storyline, Lee Forrester and Cyclops dick around in some weirdo alien city that popped up out of no where until we see that it's the new secret lair of ole magnet balls himself (CLIFFHANGER YALL).

Also in the issue Angel quits (ostensibly because he doesn't like Wolverine, but probably it's because his character sucks and Claremont wanted to get rid of his lame ass) and Banshee finds out he has a daughter, even though it's years before his daughter is featured in the comic book in any meaningful way. Wolverine and Nightcrawler also hang out and we see Colossus' toddler aged sister visited from Russia. At least we'll see Illyana again in the not too distant future.

Ok, see you in hell worthless place holder. This issue and next are pretty much just there to take up space before the big Magno-X-Farts battle in double sized issue 150. MOVING ON...

X-Men 147: ROGUE STORMy Daniels - yes, that is the best I could do

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

TWO HENCHMEN PALS: PHIL AND TOBE

PHIL SAYS HE "HIRED ON WITH DOOM" I WONDER HOW THAT HAPPENS. WANT ADS IN THE PAPER? IS THERE A HENCHMAN JOB PLACEMENT SERVICE? WHATS THE BENEFIT PACKAGE LOOK LIKE? HAVE THEY EVER TRIED UNIONIZING? WOULD DOOM TOLERATE PRELIMINARY NEGOTIATIONS OR WOULD HE SKIP STRAIGHT TO VAPORIZING THEM? THE QUESTIONS GENERATED FROM ONE BIT OF THROWAWAY DIALOG IS STAGGERING.

WORST ENDING EVER? NO, WORST MOTHERFUCKING ENDING EVER.

WHO DOESN'T LOVE THIS LINE FROM SHAVING RYAN'S PRIVATES?

More useless recap: Another stinker. Not a total waste but the ending really killed it for me.

First, all the X-Men escape Doom and Arcade's silly overly elaborate prisons traps with relative ease (DUH). Then Wolverine and Nightcrawler fuck Doom's shit up in a matter of 2 pages (I DONT THINK SO, DOOM IS WAY TOO POWERFUL protests the Mayor of Dorktown). Then Storm is released from being encased in organic chrome, or whatever the fuck it was, and goes crazy, with many blatant and hackneyed references to the Dark Phoenix Saga that took place no less than 10 issues ago. Strom gets her PMS under control and life moves on. Finally, the piece of shit ending has all the X-Men and the two villains, who were just about to fucking murder each other, apologizing and shaking hands. FUCKING TERRIBLE. AND I'M NOT KIDDING. THEY ALL APOLOGIZE AND GO HOME. NO REPERCUSSIONS FOR DOOM AND ARCADE FOR MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF KIDNAP AND ATTEMPTED MURDER.

I'm glad the X-Men are running the fucking CIA, because if they ever caught Bin Laden they'd just make him apologize to the city of New York and then send him back to whatever fucking cave they drug him out of.

Fucking ridiculous.

Theres a decent bit in the beginning about Nightcrawler using his teleportation powers and Wolverine has a cool flashback and generally kicks ass this whole issue, but other than that, not much to get excited about. And of course I love the bit where two of Doom's henchmen act like real people. I loved it when Claremont did that with the Hellfire club henchmen too, because the whole concept is absurd, but if you accept a world where people born with super powers decide to wear brightly colored tights and fight crime, then I'm sure in that world there can exists a system where adequate criminal labor can be supplied to evil villains bent on global domination.

And then another cliff hanger where Cyclops and Lee find a giants alien looking castle on their'deserted' island, interrupted for what was about to be some well deserved rebound poonanie for Cyke-dude.

X-Men 146: World where very little if any murdering takes place!

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

DOOM DOES NOT DO THINGS PRECIPITOUSLY - HE WAITS UNTIL IT STOPS RAINING TO DO THEM

ARCADE VERY PROBABLY ABUSES RECREATIONAL DRUGS

ADD "YABBO" TO THE LIST OF RETARDED IRISH INSULTS BANSHEE USES

DOOM LETS ARCADE DISRESPECTFULLY LIGHT A MATCH ON HIS ARMOUR. VERY UN-DOOM-LIKE, DUDE

MURDERWORLD IS A BIG CROCK OF SHIT AND ARCADE IS A GIANT PUSSY

pointless recap: Half the X-men are still stuck in doom's castle and the other half go to murderworld to investigate. That half OBVIOUSLY falls into a booby trapped door, and then have to fight their way out of Murderworld AND SUCCESSFULLY DO SO WITHOUT BREAKING A SWEAT.

On the Doom side of things, only Nightcrawler escapes his puzzle/jail although we dont know how yet as it ends in a cliffhanger but I'm going to bet he teleported out because, it's you know, HIS GOD DAMN SUPER POWER.

This issue was rad back in middle school because it's all about the X-Men in contrived situations having to use their powers and if you are unfamiliar with the characters it's a great way to get to know their abilities, but looking back, it's excruciatingly lame. And the art is still Cockrum instead of Byrne, so that's another a downgrade.

Next issue, this Doom/Arcade (has their ever bee a more natural pairing of villains before? Why yes, just about every other time, I'd wager), 3 issue arc wraps up, and not a moment too soon. Also Cyclops is still having Robinson Carusoe time with his ship wrecked Bufu Buddy Lee Forrester. And Storm is about to go fucking nuts because Doom encased her in solid chrome or something. Will she flip out like Jean Grey did just a few issue ago? Well, those issue made Marvel a lot of money, so yeah, probably.