X-Men Annual 7: Scavanger Lou Scunt

What we learn this issue besides that it's assistant editor's month.

Assistant editor's month meant the real editors were at the San Diego Comic Con, which before Spider-Man the movie didn't really mean much, so all the assistants were nominally in charge and all the stories tended to be a lot wackier. And also shittier. This one is definitely shitty.

Also I don't have a scan of it, so enjoy a return of the hand drawn MS Paint recreation. This may be my most wholesome cartoon yet.

Awww... baseball is so... traditional. It's also nice to see an artist that actually knows what baseball players look like when the play, unlike that whatshisface a whole bunch of issues ago.

FUCKING ANYWAY.

IMPOSIBLE MAN SHOWS UP PRETENDING TO BE GALACTUS AND STEALS THE X-MANSION.

THE X-MEN GIVE CHASE AND THEN IMPOSSIBLE MAN STEALS SOME OTHER SHIT IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE.

LIKE NICK FURY'S EYEPATCH.

AND DOCTOR STRANGE'S BALLS OF AGAMOTO.

AND THE THING'S BIG ORANGE ROCKY DONG.

AND SOME OTHER SHIT, WHO CARES, NONE OF THIS SHIT MATTERS.

THEN THEY FUCK UP THE MARVEL OFFICES TO GIVE THESE JAGOVS A CHANCE TO DRAW THEMSELVES AND THEIR FRIENDS IN THE COMICS. OOOH, FUCKIN META BEFORE META WAS PASSE. CONGRATS YOU POST MODERN MOTHERFUCKERS.

THEN IT ENDS IN A MASSIVE DEUS EX MACHINA. MORE IMPORTANTLY THERE ARE TWO CONSECUTIVE PANELS WHERE KITTY PRYDE BLOWS A DILDO AND THEN TOM SELLECK SHOWS UP. DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE ME?

SEE? I TOOK THAT PICTURE WITH MY CRAPPY CELL PHONE JUST TO PROVE IT. FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

ALSO, LOOKS LIKE THE ARTIST MADE A GREAT, SELLECK-TION, DIDN'T HE?

HAHAHAH, FAVORITE JOKE EVER.

This issue wasn't completely devoid of entertainment, besides Kitty Pryde sucking a big phallic freeze pop. For instance, Colossus and Rogue fuck up She-Hulk and Iron Man pretty well. I always enjoy watching the X-Men beat up other super heroes. I'm a big stupid dork that way.

But most importantly, I've uploaded the panel of Kitty Pryde blowing an ice cream dong on to the internebs for the rest of eternity. So congratulations to me and all future generations who will enjoy the fruits of my labors.

Oh and the pencils are by Michael Golden and so it rocks, especially when inked by masters like Terry Austin, but not so much when scrubs like Joe Rubinstein do the finishes. Oh well, we can't all be master chiefs like me when I play Halo and kill the Flood and save the god damned universe, can we?

X-Men 198: Lice Debts II

What were learn this issue besides that Africa fucking sucks and is a fucking up piece of garbage. I mean what the fuck, Africa, get your shit together. This is a fucking joke, you are an embarrassment to other continents. Fucking Africa. Shit.

STROM JUST WALKS AROUND AND FINDS SOME FUCKING CAR WRECK WITH A PREGNANT LADY IN IT.

NO WAIT, SHE HALLUCINATES FIRST, THEN FINDS THE PREGGO WOMAN.

THEY WALK AROUND AFRICA, WHICH IS A DISGUSTING MESS. FUCKING SHIT ALL OVER THE PLACE. LOOK AT THIS GOD DAMN PILE OF CRAP.

THEN STORM AND THE LADY AND HER PRE-HUMAN FIND SOME SHITTY VILLAGE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. IT IS FILTHY, LIKE A FUCKING PIGSTY. DISGUSTING.

BECAUSE THE TOWN IS SO FUCKING MISERABLE, WHEN STORM SUCCESSFULLY GUIDES THE LADY THROUGH CHILDBIRTH, AN OLD DUDE IN THE VILLAGE GOES TO THE TOP OF A HILL AND MAKES HIMSELF DIE. WITH HIS MIND. WHILE TINY LITTLE FIREWORKS GO OFF ALL AROUND THEM. I'M NOT KIDDING.

Apparently the village at one point knew how to farm. And they had lots of food and money. Then they fucked up one too many times and now they are literally starving to death. They also were traditional African tribal clothing and dance around like savages. So big whoop. Back to where they started. What's the big deal?

I suppose there is a "lesson" to be learned, like don't abuse technology at the expense of ruining the environment, but it's telling in this comic and hackneyed and overwrought. The only real lesson to learn is this: DON'T LIVE IN AFRICA.

And don't go there unless you want to kill some animals and then get the fuck out.

I don't know if anyone else knows this, but I've been to Africa. It's true. It was actually pretty cool. But there was also a bunch of total shit parts. I mean like all ass. Fucking wretched.

Anyway, Barry Windsor-Spliffs draws the hell out of this, but most of the comic is dumb. Still, some really spectacular art. And now Storm is ready to rejoin the X-Tards. Next fucking issue!

X-Men 197: To Savor AIDS?

What we learn this issue besides that it was all a dream... FOR COLOSSUS.

This issue is all about robots. Like the Doctor Doom robot (spoiler alert!) yodeling on the front cover.

Good to see Cyclops back in action again. And by action I mean peen in vergene.

But not everyone loves rowbits.

At least the GLBT robot community is well represented int he pages of the X-Nards.

Nimrod, despite being called "Nimrod" and being florescent pink, Is a Charles Bronson in Death Wish/Dirty Harry type guy. In the next panel Nimrod incinerates the guys trying to rob him and the rest of the people in the restaurant. And everybody cheers! Vigilante justice is very hip in the mid 80's.

Also also see a page of Cyclops and Madelyne Pryor which explains that Cyclops is about to be called back out off retirement and that Mageneto is a good guy now. His time switching sides, and a pretty big deal for such a classic, Silver Age villain.

And Storm isn't dead, but she still is in fucking Africa.

That's all the sub plots. The main story deals with Arcade, still looking like a god damned circus clown, convincing Colossus and Kitty Pryde to defend him from Doctor Doom attempts to kill him. To assist them Arcade allows them access to his fully stocked warehouse filled with S&M kitted out X-Bots. Seriously, Claremont HAS to be into bondage. There is no other explanation for the X-Men ending up in black leather and metal studs all the time.

Anyway, the main plot makes no sense but it's a good excuse to get Kitty and Colossus talking and holding hands and eventually becoming friends again. They'll pork again. It'll take a couple decades and Joss Whedon's unstoppable fan boy shipper urges but Colossus will finally get some of that sweet sweet Kitty Pryde poonanny.

The Arcade rowbits is also a good way to get around the whole, we can't wantonly maim and murder the main characters of the book, however mechanical simulacrum are fair game to be torn to pieces. So it's always fun to see Wolverine and Cyclops get brutalized by a robot dinosaur, which totally happens and it totally sweet.

Oh and then it wasn't a robot Doctor Doom it was sexy side kick assassin Miss Locke in a Docctor Doom robot suit. And the reason for the whole battle was just for the smell of it. Fucking weirdo that Arcade.

Next issue, more fucking Loaf Dreck.

X-Men 196: What the shit?

What we learn this issue other than chloroform obviously not being that hard to come by for thugs of the 1980's.

Another quality cover of knife killers and S&M bondage rapers. Stuff for all the kids.

Then Xavier's all like, hey, is that a twat hat?

I'll be honest I read this a while ago and it kind of sucked. But I already did these captions. Some of them are pretty hilarious. Because a lot of dumb shit happens in this comic. Look, Storm is traipsing about the jungle, serenely flatulating with nature.

Yummy farts.

And this is part of Nightcrawler's whole, look at me, I look like a demon but I'm totally religious. WHAT A FASCINATING JUXTAPOSITION OF APPEARANCES AND VALUES.

Of course no one wants to molest you Kurt. You're abominable.

Kitty smokes a fatty.

K-Pryde likes to get lifted.

Then this panel happens. I'm serious I did not change one pixel on this fucking thing. Swear to god.
HAHAHA, WHAT THE FUCK?

Ok that's all I have on this issue. But guess what else? I won a trivia contest at local comic shop on Free Comic Book Day. So that makes me pretty fucking awesome. We were allowed to picck the topics, which helped because one of the categories was the X-Men and I fucking rocked it. People were seriously impressed. Here are the questions I thoroughly dominated.

Who was storm hanging out with when she got her Mohawk haircut? Yukio.

Who sends Wolverine crashing into the sewers beneath the hellfire club during the Dark Phoenix saga? Harry Leland. (I actually said it was Henry Leland but the comic store owner also said he was the White King when he was actually the Black Bishop.)

Who was the first non-Asgardian to wield Thor’s hammer, Mjolner? Beta Ray Bill.

Who created Elektra? Frank Miller.

When did comics raise their price to 12 cents? 1962 (I said 61 - only one I got wrong).

Who created the Spirit? Will Eisner.

Who created Uncle Scrooge? Don Banks.

Hmmm, a lot of those didn't actually involve the X-Men. Still, doesn't make me any less fucking awesome. That won me $100 worth of graphic novels. High fives for me.

X-Men 195: IT WAS A DANK AND STINKY FART

What we learn this issue besides that the night was dark and stormy and hot and frothy.

FIRST OF ALL, THIS IS THE RADDEST OF ALL X-MEN COVERS EVER. IT'S SO FUCKING PERFECT. IT'S THE BEST.

WOLVERINE IS ABOUT TO SLICE THAT LITTLE KID INTO PIECES! AND HE'S SUCKING DOWN A STOGIE WHILE HE'S DICING HER UP. CHOP CHOP LITTLE GIRL.

THOSE WEINER KIDS ARE CALLED POWER PACK. A FAMILY OF KIDS WITH SUPER POWERS. AND THEIR LAST NAME IS POWERS. AND THERE IS A PACK OF THEM. IT'S FUCKING CLEVER IF YOU'VE JUST LEARNED TO READ I IMAGINE.

THE MORLOCKS FUCK WITH POWER PACK UNTIL THE X-MEN FUCK WITH THE MORLOCKS AND BY THE END OF THE DAY EVERYTHING IS FINE AND BACK TO NORMAL.

THIS AD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COMIC SEEMS A LITTLE OUT OF PLACE.

I have a fucking cold, AGAIN, so I don't feel like doing any more MS Paintz up in this bitch or recapping this thing in depth. Plus I spent a while on that fake Child Abuse PSA. I think it turned out pretty well.

This issue was a standard crossover with a semi-related though non-mutant book, Power Pack, who I guess just tussled with the Morlocks to give them an excuse to show up in the higher selling X-Men, one can only assume. It feels very much like a sit-com with a special guest and pretty mucch nothing of consequence. Except check out that the fucking cover! It is so fucking awesome. It has nothing to do with the story inside either. Wolverine never gets confused or tricked into thinking the kids are bad guys or threatens them in anyway. It's just Bill Bad Ass Sienkiewicz drawing one of the dopest picctures of all motherfucking time, just because he feels like it.

BILL SIENKIEWICZ IS THE MASTER.

Nothing else happens worth commenting on so I'm going to go blow all the boogies out of my god damn nose and take some fucking advils. Eat a fucking dick you piece of shit virus.

X-Men 194: TUCK HER BALLS BACK IN TWEEN HER LEGS

What we learn this issue besides that I'd like to see some JUGS! JUGS! JUGS! JUGS!

JUGGERNAUT IS BACK IN NEW YORK AND HERE'S HERE TO DO SOME MOTHERFUCKING BANKING.

NIGHTCRAWLER IS HAVING A CRISIS OF CONFIDENCE.

KITTY PR- I MEAN SHADOWCAT, LISTENS TO NPR. NERD.

I'M GUESSING SINCE ROGUE CAN NEVER HAVE MEANINGFUL PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH ANOTHER HUMAN THAT SHE'S QUITE THE ACCOMPLISHED ONANIST.

STORM WANDERS INTO THE MIDDLE OF AN APARTHEID ERA KENYAN SAFARI AND DISCOVERS A BUNCH OF RACISTS! BUT NOT OBAMA'S DAD.

STORM LOST HER POWERS BUT SHE'S PRETTY HANDY WITH THE STEEL IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. SHE'S NOT JUST SOME GEEK OFF THE STREET.

GAYROD, I MEAN NIMROD, JUST MIGHT BE INTO DUDES.

JUGGIE'S GOT SOME INDIGESTION.
RUSSIA HAS THEIR OWN NICK FURY, SOME KGB SPOOK NAMES COLONEL VASHIN. HE EVEN HAS ONE EYE. BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM THEY HAVE A COMPLETE SET, BUT STILL A GRAND TOTAL OF ZERO TESTICLES.

The dumbest named villain in history, Nimrod, the giant pink robot from an alternate future, finally lets loose, and more or less kicks the shit out of Juggernaut. Luckily, the X-Man feel like getting over their angsty asses and leave their cushy upstate mansion to save his thieving butt.

It takes Rouge sorbing the combined power of Colossus, Shadowcrap and Nitekrawler to be able to defeat Dimrod, but she's unable to finish the job and a crippled Nipplerod teleports away before the X-Wads figure out just what the hell is going on.

The interlude to the fight see Storm finally getting to Africa and beating up some racist tourists, or may or may not be super villains that come back to fight her later, I forget.

Then we meet this Vashin guy in the epilogue that I don't remember much about or if we've seen hi before or if he's very important later. All he does is sit at a desk and tell his friend Sasha that he's aware of fucking mutants in America. So I guess we'll just fucking see then, won't we.

X-Men 193: Core Hunt 2!

What we learn this issue besides that there's been 100 issues of all nude, all fucking x-mans.

REMEMBER THAT GUY THUNDERBIRD WHO WE KILLED IN THE LIKE THE 3RD ISSUE OF CLAREMONT'S RUN? WELL IT TURNS OUT HE HAS A BROTHER. WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS BROTHER. WHO HAS THE EXACT SAME POWERS AS HIS BROTHER. AND WHO WOULD PREFER IF YOU CALLED HIM THUNDERBIRD. ITS JUST LIKE THAT SCENE FROM BEERFEST.

"HOKAHEY!" CHECK OUT THIS FUCKIN GUY.

XAVIER: LEATHER DADDY.
SOMEONE KILLED ANNALEE'S KIDS. WAIT, ANAL LEE? THAT'S HER NAME?

STORM HAS FUCKED OFF TO AFRICA.

THAT ATTACK ON XAVIER WAS JUST AN EXCUSE TO WEAKEN HIM SO HE DOESN'T JUST END THE BATTLE BEFORE THE DOUBLE SIZE ISSUE PAGE COUNT.

KITTY PRYDE'S, ER, I MEAN SHADOWCAT'S NEW COSTUME IS A BIG GARBAGE BAG AND A MASK. FUCKING TERRIBLE.
NORAD KEEP AN ARMY OF ROWBITS ON CALL JUST FOR THESE EXACT SITUATIONS. SECBOTS THEY CALL THEM. WHAT THE FUCK FOR I HAVE NO IDEA.

THIS IS WHY WOLVERINE OWNS.
WHATS A BETTER PICK UP LINE? I WALKED ON THE MOON; OR I WAS ON THE RAIDING PARTY THAT KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN?
I don't want to say Claremont gets a bad wrap for having no sense of humor, because honestly his sense of humor is pretty crappy. But he starts the issue with a nice bit about Banshee being all super happy about his life. "So of course, he gets nailed." Hah, made me laugh anyway.

It's also kind of annoying that the Morlocks are back, and their completely unbelievable underground labyrinth of tunnels that "runs the length of Manhattan, with branch lines out to Jersey, Staten Island, Long Island and upstate." Oh come on.

Claremont makes the rest of the issue a tribute to the first mission he wrote, were Thunderbird got killed outside of the no so secret military base of NORAD. Claremont also brings in a whole load of new characters he's created since then. Most of them usually occupy the X-Nard's junior title, the Noo Mootants. So I won't bother describing them. All that's important is Thunderbird's brother is pissed and wants revenge. So there's a big ass fight and eventually the X-Mans are the winnars and the bad guys here are misguided young mutants so alls well that ends well.

More interesting than the typical comic book beat em up is the sinister undercurrent of anti-mutant hatred that Claremont is now bringing to the forefront. Mutants will now serve as an allegory for prejudged groups of all kinds. This theme had always been simmering in background but this is a real turning point, starting with Xavier getting has bloodied ass handed to him last issue, where the X-Men inhabit a more mature world and tackle problems with real gravitas.

I mean the main villain in the original Warhunt issue was called Count Nefaria and he tried to hold the world hostage for ransom for chrissakes. Now the X-Men have to worry about the Feedle Gubmint and RAYCESS ASSHOLES. Quite a difference.

But just to show that this whole comic book isn't turning into FRONTLINE the comic book, next issue is a fight against the Juggernaut and Nimrod. So yeah, not THAT mature anyway.

X-Men 192: FUN n' GAMES n' SHIT

What we learn this issue besides that the kids these days are all into their fuckin fun and fuckin games and fuckin Buckaroo Banzai and other god damn bullshit.

WARLOCK, OF THE NEW MUTANTS, IS AN ALIEN THAT CONSISTS OF A SENTIENT TECHNO-ORGANIC TRANSMODE VIRUS WHOSE DAD WANTS TO MURDER HIS FUCKING ASS.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES TECHNO-ORGANIC TRANSMODE VIRUS?

NIGHTCRAWLER, ROGUE AND COLOSSUS ARE JUST ROUGH HOUSING UNTIL THINGS TAKE AN UNEXPECTED, AND SEXY, TURN.

THEN COLOSSUS SPOTS SOMETHING THAT RAPIDLY ADJOURNS THEIR FRIVOLITIES.
BOOBIES AND ALSO WARLOCK'S DAD, THE INTERGALACTIC BUTTCAKE KNOWN AS MAGUS, LANDING ON ERF.

FASHION IN THE MID 80'S WAS FUCKING TERRIBLE.

THE X-WADS AND MAGUS MIX THINGS UP, ROUGH AND TUMBLE STYLE, UNTIL MAGUS SURPRISES EVERYONE WITH A BELCH.
XAVIER CATCHES A MASSIVE BEAT DOWN. PRETTY MUCH FOR NO REASON. I MEAN BESIDES BEING A MOTHERFUCKING BALD MOTHERFUCKER THAT IS.
I'm not sure if maybe it was revealed before in The Newd Mewtants or some other comic book but we finally learn why the hell this unholy spawn of Cyclops and Marvel Girl from an aborted future is ditzing around the main Marvel Universe, shitting everything up with her retarded haircut and habitually lachrymose countenance. And the reason is Kitty Pryde. Aborted future Kitty Pryde is the culprit. So thanks a bitchload fuckin Kitty.

Wolverine and real Kitty are back from Japan. Fun flight that must have been. I flew from the east coast to Japan before. It fucking sucked. Going there was great, I had a whole row to myself and was able to stretch out and relax. Coming home meant being wedged in between annoying, gibberish spouting asian families and broke ass business travelers who can't fly first class. It was all cool thought because I got really drunk in Japan for a week. It's like being inside a Nintendo.

Blah blah blah, lots of talking and drama and fighting and eventually Magus runs away because Nightcrawler, Colossus and Rogue do a pretty decent job beating the fuck out of him. Then Xavier gets punished. It's actually pretty gruesome. Frankly I'm shocked at the level violence depicted in a mid 80s comic book. If I didn't posses a insatiable, vampiric lust for blood myself I might even be outraged.

So anyway, Xavier's near dead body is dragged away. probably by one of those fucking Morlocks (k just checked, it is the fucking Morlocks) and the sweet bros who wailed on him go to a bar and get loaded.

ADVANTAGE: BROS.