X-Men 214: Big Phallus For All!

What we learn this issue besides that Dazzler has nice... bewbs....

SO HEY HOW ARE ALL THE X-MEN WHO GOT FUCKED UP IN THE MUTANT MASSACRE AND ARE NEAR DEATH DOING? ANY UPDATES FROM THE DOCTORS ON - AW FUCK IT LETS JUST GO SEE A RUSH COVER BAND!

 I THOUGHT GEDDY LEE WAS A WOMAN FOR LIKE, 10 YEARS.

DAZZLER IS TRIPPING BALLS.

 LISTEN UP PEOPLE, DON'T TAKE THE PURPLE ACID; YOU'LL HAVE TO GET DOWN OFF THEM TOWERS.

OK SO WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT KITTY PRYDE AND THE REST OF THE WALKING CORPSES, WANTS TO SEE THIS SWEET NEW VIDEO I JUST DOWNLOADED?

THE X-BAGS ARE IN DALLAS AGAIN. I FUCKING HATE DALLAS. GO G-MEN DIE COWGIRLS! 

AN IMAGE SO NICE BARRY WINDSOR-SMITH DREW IT TWICE!

THIS IS A REALLY GOOD REPORTER.

PEOPLE ARE BURNING TO DEATH ALL AROUND HIM AND HE'S STILL ABLE TO CALMLY DESCRIBE HIS BIG BEAUTIFUL BALLS. NOW THAT IS A PRO.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS GOING TO LOOK RIGHT BUT I MS PAINTED SOME PROJECTILE VOMITER'S FACE ON WOLVERINE'S. I WANTED IT TO LOOK LIKE HE BARFED ALL OVER STORM'S BEWBS.

SUPPOSED I COULD CLICK THE PREVIEW BUTTON, BUT FUCK THAT SHIT. I OPERATE WITHOUT A NET!

I learned from the googalator that this cover was penciled by Art Adams and inked by Barry Windsor-Smith. Cool. BWS also did all the interior art. BWS fucking owns. I just wish he had actually drawn a panel of Wolverine puking all over Storm's chest.

FUCK! I just realized I spelled 'CHESTY' wrong on the cover. What the fuck does THE CHEASTY X-MEN mean? GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.

Anyway, the Mutant Massacre is over and Colossus, Kitty Pryde and Nightcrawler are too fucked up to fight for the X-Men anymore. So they are replaced by Psylocke and Dazzler, two female mutants from various corners of the Marvel Universe. And because all the original X-Barfs are in the comic book X-Factor, that means it's a real estrogen party at the X-Mansion. Hey did they open up a tuna factory next door or something?

HAHA because their mutant vaginas smell like fish!

Even Calisto, the manish female leader of the now mostly dead Morlocks is hanging around. Wolvie is the lone dude, but he's got enough cock and balls for everyone. You gotta stroke his schlong or at least bite his nut.

Anywho, the evil spirit Malice has possessed Dazzler, who is currently hiding out from the public as the keyboardist for Lila Cheney, another hawty pop star secret mutant. What's next, Miley Cyrus the Space Alien??? Hrmm... uh no. And then they Estrogen-Men fight each other as Malice goes around possessing them all until she (Malice, the discorporeal evil spirit, is also a female mutant, which is determined by I have no idea) tries to seize control of Storm, she of the indomitable will of an African Goddess. Storm beats Malice off and the issue ends with a girl power hug + wolverine. BUT WAIT, Malice is not vanquished, but now inhabiting the body of some mustached SWAT team douche. Oh big shit, he's just some asshole with a gun. YAWN.

Storm's willpower has been used as a mutant ex machina before, most notably with the Space Whales from the first Brood story. Remember the Space Whales? Sure you do. Also in the Doctor Doom/Arcade issues and more recently in the Life-Death issues. STORM HAS THE STRENGTH OF A BEAR. THAT HAS THE STRENGTH OF SIX BEARS!

Next: I think i need to do an annual or something.

X-Men 213: Sigh... Schlock

What we learned this issue besides the fact that Wolverine and Sabretooth are suuuuuuuper gay for each other.

 HAHAHA MAAAAAAAAAAKE OOOOOOOOUT.

HOMOSCHEDULES.

HEY WHATS UP WITH THIS PURPLED HAIRED LADY NAMED SILOCK? SHE TURNS INTO A YELLOW BUTTERFLY AND TRIES TO SEX UP ROGUE? WHAT IS IT THE FUCK?????????

LATER LESBIAN CALLISTO LAMBASTES LOSER LEADER STORM

 YOU GIVE CALLISTO THAT FUCKIN BURGER, AND YOU DO IT NOW!

MAGNETO IS LIKE, Y'ALL BEST SLIDE UP ON MY PIECE LIKE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, F'REAL, YO.

 FUCK LAS AINGALEES.

 SHIT THAT SHOULD SAY THESE NOT THIS. FUCKING DAMN IT.

DON'T FORGET ALISON FUCKIN BLAIRE'S RETURN TO THE FUGGIN EGGSMEN THRU THE SHEER WILL OF HER DESIRE OF A DEEP DUECE DICKING.

CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW FUCKIN WACK THE FUGGIN AETIES WERE?

OH AND SABRETOOTH WRECKS HOUSE FOR A WHILE

YOU NOTICED THE BONER I ADDED, RIGHT? YEAH, YOU NOTICED.

HAVE SOME GOD DAMN TACT FOR ONCE WHY DON'T YOU FUGGIN MAGNEETOGA

 FUGGIN PLANTS N SHIT EVRYWARE.

SO MUCH SLOBBER.

LISTEN: SMOKING CIGARETTES MAKES YOU COOL. ITS A SAD FACT BUT IT'S TRUE.

THESE BITCHES AGREE ANYWAY.

OK so mostly this was Pyslocke's introduction to the eggsmans but also the wrap up for the mutaint mASSacre. the mutie massacre was the first big xover and it was awesome but it also lacked in many ways. it didnt flow well, it added tie ins for reasons of creator friendship and not for story purposes (Thor had no business being part of this story, nor Power Pack. The whole business was a Weezie + Walt Simonson and Claremont friendship pals for comics party). I definitely forgot what i was talking about just now

Listen it is because I've been drinking.

OK so the cover is all about sabraytoots and woolveaine chomping on each other's flesh but really psyloch fights more with psabertooth than wolfiereene. and its basically the end of the Morlocks as a huge community and now they'll just pop up ever now and then at Moira MacTaggart's Scottish land of stupid mutant dikheads.

allright i need to go to bed. Fun issue. Good fight between beastie sons of bitches with claws and shit. and psylocke FOCUSES THE TOTALITY OF HER PSYCIC POWERS. Except not yet. That Claremontism is saved for later,

OK BED TIME GOD DAMN IT.

X-Men 212: The Gassed Rump

What we learn this issue besides that Wolverine is a little gassy lately. Probably from that nasty chili he ate, which is most likely what made him blow up that toilet so bad that it looked like a god damned holocaust.

SEE, EVEN WOLVIE SAYS IT WAS PROLLY THE CHILI WHAT DID IT.

 THINK WOLVERINE LIKES TO POOP IN AN EMPTY TER-LET? PLAP!

ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENED IS THE X-MEN ARE ALL FUCKED UP AND WOLVERINE IS GOING OUT HUNTING IN THE MORLOCK TUNNELS SOLO. HE'S RIDIN SOLO, HIS TIE'S A BOLO, HIS CUP'S A SOLO

KITTY PRYDE IS STUCK IN HER PHASING GHOST FORM BUT SHE CAN STILL GIVE COLOSSUS A BONER.

STORM CAN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURE OF BEING THE LEADER OF THE X-MEN WHILE SO MANY MUTANTS ARE SLAUGHTERED AND HER MIND POPS LIKE A ZIT.

UGLY LESBIAN MUTANT CALLISTO HAS TO BEAT SOME SENSE INTO HER.

THEIR FIGHT IS MIRRORED BY SABRETOOTH AND WOLVERINE'S FIRST FIGHT SCENE IN THE PAGES OF A COMIC BOOK.

BOTH OF THEM LOOK READY TO RRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUMBEEEEEEEEEEELLL!

The X-Mean are all fucked the fuck up but Wolverine still has enough gas left in the tank to rip some solid farts and to have a tumble with Savorytoof. They slash each other up but Savortoot is clearly bigger and stronger and likeS murder more so Wolvee just runs away, or "rabbits" as Claremont would say.

Psylocke is also introduced to the X-Males for the first time, at least in Uncandy Eggsmen. I think Claremont just read about her in Marvel UK's Captain Britain comics and was like, OK PURPLE HAIRED TELEPATH YOU ARE MINE NOW. YOU BELONG TO ME.

You know why so many super heroines have crazy colored hair? Like Polaris' green hair and Jean Grey's red hair and now Psylocke's purple hair? Because then the artists dont have to work so hard to distinguish the characters by drawing, the colorist will just mark them with their hair. Which is why Cyclops and Iceman look like twins when they're in civilian clothes. Call it the "South Park effect" if you want to get cute with it AND WHY NOT GET FUCKING CUTE WITH IT?

Anyway, the issue also owns because of the fight of claws and shit and because there are just dead bodies piled up everywhere. Fucking corpses strewn about the sewers of New York. MUTANT CORPSES all laying around like fucking garbage.

And Rick Leonardi did the art and it is excellent. NEXT ISSUE: MORE FUR WILL FLY AS WOLVERINE AND SABRETOOTH POKE MORE HOLES IN EACH OTHER. AND THEN FUCK THOSE HOLES THAT THEY JUST POKED. HAHA NO THEY DON'T THAT WOULD BE FUCKING SICK. EW, GROSS.

X-Men 211: ASS ACRE Mmm.....

What we learn this issue because know we know, 'cause we're John Doe, in a black bag a tag on our toe. 

IT'S JUST ANOTHER BODY MURDER!!!

WOLVERINE WANTS BLOOD. LOOK AT HIM. READY FOR SOME ULTRA VIOLENCE FOR SURE.

 I DON'T KNOW WHY WARREN BUFFET IS THERE EITHER BUT HE SEEMS TO BE HAVING A GOOD TIME.

ANYWAY, SO THE MARAUDERS ARE JUST RUNNING AROUND THE MORLOCKS' SECRET TUNNELS KILLING THE DICK OUT OF EVERYONE.

I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING. THIS GUY SCALPHUNTER HAS BIG GUNS AND HE LOVES POINTING THEM AT PEOPLE AND PULLING THE TRIGGER TILL IT GOES CLICK.

MEANWHILE, THE X-FELLERS ARE JUST SHOOTIN THE BREEZE OUT ON THE OLD FARM, USING THREE BLADES TO CUT A PITCHFORK INTO FIVE PIECES SOMEHOW.

SERIOUSLY, FART THE HECK?

THEN SOME GIANT PURPLE COW MUTANT BURROWS ALL THE WAY TO THE X-MANSHUN, TELL THE X-HOLES ALL THE MORLOCKS ARE GETTING MASSACRED AND THEN DIES. GROSS.

THE X-DONGS FINALLY DRAG THEIR LAZY ASSETS TO THE TUNNELS AND START FIGHTING THE MARAUDERS. IT'S A GOOD FIGHT. AND SCALPHUNTER SHOWS HE REALLY DOES LOVE SHOOTING PEOPLE WITH HIS AWESOME GUNS.

THERE IS A STUNNING AMOUNT OF VIOLENCE IN THIS ISSUE.

INCLUDING THE 3 MOST BAD ARSE PANELS COLOSSUS WILL EVER BE IN.

HOO BOY THAT ARE DROPPIN BODIES IN THIS ISSUE!

Seriously, this issue is incredible. It's just brutal murder after brutal murder. The Marauders show up and start annihilating the Morlocks, then the X-Men show up and they get punished, then the X-Men manage to slaughter a Marauder or two.

The art definitely suffers with Brett Blevins handling a lot of the pages, and while I often enjoy his work here he looks lost. This may have been a deadline rush job which may explain the often confusing flow and puzzling artistic choices. The Marauders outfits, for example, are all over the place and generally a mess. But whatever, there is still ownage dripping from just about every panel.

Also importantly to continuity, Nightcrawler and Shadowcat get pummeled so badly they never again fight for the X-Men until after they've frigged off to England to be in the super hero group Excalibur for like ten more years.

Anyway, now Wolverine is hella pissed and he's going to spend all next issue lurking about the tunnels sniffing out vengeance. I can't wait to see if he finds any!

X-Men 210: The Morning After Pill

What we learned this issue besides that Wolverine needs to start learning those new fancy forms of birth control, like pulling out.

THE COVER OF THIS ISSUE IS TOTALLY FUCKING BAD ASS. LOOK AT THE FUCKING COVER. JUST LOOK AT IT.

FUCKING SEVERE.

RACHEL "PHOETUS" SUMMERS IS STILL MISSING. HOORAY! BUT ROGUE IS STILL LOOKING FOR HER. BOO! BUT ROGUE IS A DITZY BROAD AND GETS SIDETRACKED BY A SHOPPING TRIP TO BLOOMIES AND A STOP AT THE MAKE UP COUNTER. I'M NOT EVEN JOKING, LOOK!

DAZZLER, LAST SEEN IN THE PAGES OF THIS COMIC MAGAZINE DURING THE DARK FETUS SAGA, IS MUSICIAN IN LILA CHENEY'S BAND. A BAND FULL OF HOT MUTANT BABES AND A FEW DUDES. KIND OF LIKE S CLUB 7!

KITTY IS STILL TOTALLY CREAMING OVER COLOSSUS.

THE HELLFIRE CLUB OFFERS MAGNETOE A SPOT IN THEIR INNER CIRCLE OF EVIL MUTANTS AND HE'S ALL LIKE, I'LL THINK ABOUT IT, RIGHT AFTER YOU LICK THE NON-FERROUS MATERIAL OFF MY BIG HAIRY MAGNET BALLS. AND THE HELLFIRE CLUB IS ALL LIKE, YEAH OK THAT'S FAIR.

SOME RAYCESS HUMANS ARE OUT TO KICK NIGHTCRAWLER'S FURRY BLUE BUTTCAKES!

THEN KITTY PRYDE GETS ALL PUFFED UP AND TAKES DOWN A BALDING CRACK SNIFFING GEEZER. I MEAN SHE JUST UNLOADS ON THIS FUGGIN GUY.

THE LAST PAGE IS ALSO A TOTAL FUCKING NUT TWISTER. I MADE IT ALL EXTRA LARGE WITH BLOGGER'S NIFTY NEW FEATURES. HOLY SHIT I FEEL LIKE A REAL PROFESSIONAL NOW. SO READ THIS PAGE, IT OWNS.

This issue is the official start of first official X-Mens comic book crossover, or X-Over, as industry wags have so dorkily dubbed them. The x-over (what, I'm a dork too) is called the Mutant Massacre, it is totally awesome. The premise is simple, there are too many Morlocks living in the tunnels beneath Manhattan and they are an inconvenient plot point for the X-Men and their associated books (which now include the New Mutants and X-Factor). So Claremont invents a team of bad guys to go into the tunnels and kill all the Morlocks. AND THEY DO. (spoiler alert)

LIKE HOW THEY FUCKING EXECUTED THAT POOR INNOCENT DEFENSELESS TEENAGE GIRL MUTANT THERE. WITH A MOTHERFUCKING SHOT GUN NO LESS. BOOM, SON!

Yes that's right. This comic book has been without a doubt born again hard. They just let the Cunt Penny Sex Mens into their beloved corp.

This issue was probably the first X-Men comic book I ever read. I was 5 or something when it came out and it was part of 2 dozen or so dog-eared and spine-rolled comics from the mid 80's that me and my brother re-read over and over again. As you can imagine, seeing all sorts of heavy shit go down was enough to blow my tiny little prepubetic mind and I was hooked pretty early. That's what comic fans today don't get. You don't hook kids on comics early with age appropriate stuff. They already have fucking cartoons for that. More cartoons then they could ever watch. You use comics as the back door gateway to adult material and themes they otherwise wouldn't be able to experience. FUCK IT JUST GIVE KIDS PORNO ITS FINE.

Anyway, most of the rest of the issue is just the X-Turds regrouping after the huge fight with Nimrawd and also dealing with Rachel basically deserting the team, even though she only did so after Wolverine shoved his adamantium claws into her abdomen.

Shit is most assuredly about to get fucked up, and the rest of Claremont's run through the 1980's is mostly X-Men getting fucked with and living on the run or in exotic locales and none of this bald crippled professor barking orders at them in a classroom bullshit. So it's going to totally rock tits.