ADJECTIVELESS X-MEN 1-3: THIS IS THE END

Back in the day, when I was pledging a fraternity (which I did because I was sold a false bill of goods that frat lords bang hot babes on the reg), one popular move by the brothers was to stuff all us pledges in the women's bathroom (yes, we had a men's and women's bathroom in the basement, natch), and blast The End by the Doors over the house speakers. Then they would slowly but forcefully enter us from behind. Get it? The End = our butts!

No just kidding. They did play that song but then the worst the hazing got was we had a eat and drink gross shit and puke a bunch. Haha, BARF. The point is, this is the end of Claremont's run on the X-Men, and this is also the end of this blog. Even tho Claremont had already stopped writing the Uncanny X-Men, the first 3 issues of the brand new ongoing series, JUST X-MEN (but there was no "just" in the title, it was just "X-Men". Yes I know I said "just X-Men" again, great bit, Laurel and Hardy), these 3 issues are all part of the same story Claremont started way back in Uncanny X-Men 94, lo so many years ago.

Now, if you want actual analysis of Claremont the maestro and his criminally under rated accomplishment, please go to this real blog with a real writer who did a real critique. If you look closely you might even find me, acting like a total spaz in the comments, trying to be all serious and shit.

However, since this is one of those jagov MS Paint dick and fart joke blogs, I'll just do a brief recap and then make a bunch of dumb comments and non sequiturs about butt holes or whatever.

So after the Muir Island Saga, all of the X-Mans of the world found themselves hanging out at the X-Mansion again, which has been rebuilt for like the 3rd or 4th time (at least their supporting their local contractors). Xavier's all like, great to be back X-Bros, how about we split up into two fuckin teams so as to double our revenue streams I mean double the amount of protecting a world that fears and hates us? And the X-Men are alike, yeah sounds fucking sweet, once we get all these pouches and belts and shoulder pads rocking on our new costumes we'll be ready to fucking go.

And then the X-Dudes fight each other because they are training and the readers need to learn all their powers and personality quirks (oh Gambit, you rapscallion!) but then Magnet Breath shows up and is like, HAHA, I'M A BAD GUY AGAIN! FUCK YOUR BALLS, X-PUSSIES!

Here's where I should pause and explain what a great thing it is that Claremont the maestro did with Magoman. You see, back when he was the boss of the hilariously poorly named Brotherhood of Evil Mutants (fuckin no one calls themselves evil!), Magsiepoo was all one dimensional and dumb. But then Claremont came around and he did something wonderful. He gave him MOTIVATION. And more importantly, BELIEVABLE motivation. I mean for fucking comic books anyway. Magballs was a holocaust survivor, and he wanted to make sure his people (mutants, natch) weren't persecuted into extinction. JUST LIKE THE JEWS. ITS AN ALLEGORY.

The best defense being a good offense, Magtetons was like, NOT IF I FUCK YOU FIRST, HUMANS. And THATS why he was being such a tremendous cock and balls for so long. Because it was the flat scans (humies, natch) that MADE him that way.

Anyway, now Magneebo is in space. Because everything is cooler in SPACE. And he kind of just wants to mind his own god damn business and chill out on his space rock and chill out with some space beers, as anyone with his fucking power would.

But then these sycophants show up and they're all like, dude, Magneto, we are you Acolytes! Fuckin teach us and we'll be like an army of mutants and fuck humans or some shit! And Magneto is all like, bros, thanks but no thanks, I'm up her to chill out and pound space beers, not lead any more mutant revolutions. Fuck all that noise.

But then some asshole humans chase the mutants to Magento's space rock and kill someone in cold blood and Magneto is all like, you know what? You're right, humans are fucking bullshit. Fuck humans. I will be your leader.

And then the X-Men and Magneto go at it for 3 issues and in the end, the X-Men win, but only because Magneto is all like, "I will sacrifice myself so that Xavier can have his fucking pussy ass dream of humans and mutants living together. Fuck y'all, peace I'm outta like a Saudi from Loudon County."

And then Magnet Breath dies. The end.

There's obviously way more shit going on but that's basically the gist of it. Whats probably the coolest thing about these comics is that Jim Lee, another maestro, and Claremont are both trying to pack in as much rad shit as possible. So all the art is pumped up Jim Lee action to the max and then crowding in every panel's nook and cranny is elaborate purple prose and speechifying by Claremont. It can get to be a bit much but its still more cool then cumbersome.

But probably the COOLEST coolest thing is there is a character named Delgado, who may or may not be two people. He starts off as one of the humans pursuing the renegade mutant Acolytes IN SPACE, and then next thing you know there is an Acolyte named Delgado who looks just like the human Delgado from before. At some point someone even comments, "Um, is Delgado a good guy or a bad guy? I guess we'll never know..." So I'm inclined to believe this was a plotting error by Jim Lee that Claremont wasn't able to fix in the dialog until after it went to the printers and then was like, eh fuck it, I'm done after these issues anyway.

Kind of absurd but maybe a little endearing?

So anyway, thats fucking that. The story off the fucking X-Men. There's been like, 300 more issues of Uncanny X-Men since then, so double what once was. And like a kabillion X-Men spin offs. Man, those corporate comic book companies, they fucking love making money!

And Adjectiveless X-Men number 1 definitely made some fucking money. They supposedly sold 8.1 million copies of that fucker. Which is just dumb. There aren't 8 million people reading comic books. Even then, MAYBE 100,000 people were buying comics regularly. That sales number was inflated by dickheads like me, buying 5 copies or more, because I was 10 years old and at the time it was literally the most awesomest thing that had ever happened in my lifetime.

And now this is the awesomest thing in my life. Some jagov blog for idiots. Great, grand, wonderful. AND NOW TO READ ALL OF THE NEW MUTANTS EVER, CAUSE WHAT THE FUCK ESLE IS THERE FOR ME, HONESTLY?

The best X-Men stories of all time? I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT

OK so I really did it. Now what? How about some retrospection? Sure let's do it!

The magnificent blog Comics Should Be Good just ran a reader poll that ranked the top 50 X-Men stories and X-Men related stories. Just now they finished it up! Tremendous!

So now I, the owner and possessor of EVERY GOD DAMN X-MEN COMIC BOOK will rank the rankings! Wisdom of the crowds don't mean shit when you're the straight up boss of X-Men comic books!

Actually this list is a good reminder of how much I still don't know about comic books. I mean I like the X-Men but some people REALLY like the X-Men. I'm actually jealous.

Anyway, using the super rad CSBG blog and their super cool readers as a resource for which to plunder, lets get judging!

X-MEN 279: BAD TO THE BONER

THE END OF AN ERA.

 

WELL I DID IT. I REALLY FUCKING DID IT. ALL THE X-MEN. BY CHRIS CLAREMONT. HOLY SHIT WHAT A MONUMENTAL WASTE OF TIME.

WHATEVER, THESE COMIC BOOKS ARE AWESOME AND SO AM I.

OH GREAT, FUCKING COLOSSUS IS BACK. NICE POSTURE FUCKING COLOSSUS.

I LOVE THESE PANELS. "BLAH BLAH BLAH - AAAAHHHHHH! WE'RE FALLING DOWN A FUCKING CLIFF!!!!! AAHHHHH! ANYWAY BLAH BLAH BLAH"

NOW COLOSSUS IS ALL RED. STAND UP STRAIGHT, WEIRDO.

WHAT IS THIS A FUCKING WIERD POSE OFF?

WHAT ARE THEY TAKING A TANDEM SHIT? THE FUCK.

I THINK THIS IS ONE OF THE LAST PAGES OF UNCANNY X-MEN SCRIPTED BY CLAREMONT. HE CAME BACK SEVERAL YEARS LATER BUT THOSE ISSUES WERE CRAP.

THIS NARRATION BOXES EXPLAIN THAT COLOSSUS HAS FOUND A NEW LIFE AND RETIRED FROM BEING A SUPER HERO. BUT THEN HE WAS FORCED TO COME BACK BY THE EVIL SHADOW KING. AND THEN CLAREMONT BASICALLY SAID FUCK THIS NOISE, I'M OUT. THE END.

BUT THERE IS STILL HALF A SHITTY COMIC BOOK LEFT. LOTS OF X-MEN VS MIND CONTROLED X-MEN ACTION.

ANDY KUBERT DOES NOT DO A VERY GOOD JOB WITH THE CHARACTER POSES.

WAS ROGUE FLYING UPSIDE DOWN WHEN SHE GOT SHOT?

SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH XAVIER'S HUNCHBACK IMPRESSION?

 

Well well well, here were are, right in the middle of a fucking crossover, right in the middle of a fucking issue, yet our job is done. Claremont's run on the Uncanny X-Men is over, and basically so is this blog.

 

I'll come back to write more when I don't have such a fucking headache. Anyway, Xavier is attacked by mind controlled Colossus back in the basement of the ruined X-Mansion. The rest of the folks are either under the Shadow King's thrall or fighting the aforementioned enthralled X-bozos.

 

Andy Kubert is a skilled artist but this issue is pretty shitty. He's doing his Jim Lee impression but exaggerating the negative qualities and not adding much else. But whatever, it gets much worse than this. Mainly its just the ridiculous poses. So bizarre.

 

The Muir Pen15land Saga wraps up a couple issues later, with X-Factor, ie the original 5 X-Turds showing up. Forge grabs an enthralled Psylocke's hand whole she's making a psychic knife and stabs Polaris in the head. Polaris is being used, for whatever reason, as the nexus holding the Shadow King's purely psychic being tethered to the corporal world. Xavier's son, Legion, dies (or does he????) and the Shadow King is defeated.

 

But that happens a couple issues later. Then all the X-titles are rebooted and the suck much more forever.

 

Now I need a fucking nap. God damn hangover. 



X-MEM 278: THE BATTLE OF MYER PEN15LAND

AND WE'RE BACK, FOR THE SECOND TO LAST TIME EVER! CLAREMONT QUITS NEXT ISSUE. SO LETS MAKE LIKE THE MAESTRO AND MAIL IN OUR PENULTIMATE ENTRY!

 

I HAVE MY OWN ELLIPTICAL MACHINE AND RESISTANCE TUBES SO BASICALLY I LOOK LIKE GUIDO OR THE ROCK. ACTUALLY FUCK THAT, I'M BIGGER THAN THOSE SCRUBS. FUCKING LIKE SOMETHING MICHELANGELO CARVED OUTTA MARBLE.

GOD DAMN I'M SO FUCKING YOKED, BRO.

I BET THIS PANEL WOULD MAKE A WHOLE LOT MORE SENSE WITH SOME CONTEXT.

MOVING ON...

HOW DID THEY GET THEIR GUNS TO FIRE SO PERFECTLY IN PARALLEL?

YES, GOOD LOOKIN PANEL. BY PAUL SMITH, FORMERLY A MAESTRO BUT NOW MERELY PEDESTRIAN.

THATS ME WATCHING UFC FIGHTS. BRING THE PAIN!

NO ROGUE - YOU DID NOT COIN THE PHRASE "NOT HARDLY". THAT IS NOT HOW ONE COINS A PHRASE. JESUS CHRIST.
 

[SPOKEN IN A PERVY GROWL] ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER - HEH HEH HEH.

GOD DAMN IT! WHO IS LETTING THESE GINGERS PROCREATE!

SICKENS ME. 

 FUCKIN MONSTERS, BRO!

LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE REALLY FUCKED NOW XAVIER.

Oh boy, the Muir Island Saga. The crossover that fucked up the X-Men comic books forever. Claremont started it, but he quit right in the middle of next issue. He had already finished writing the first three issues of the new spin off title, Adjectiveless X-Men (not the real name, it was just X-Men without the Uncanny, that's just what clever folks like me called it), and decided that bringing Colossus back, as happens in the final panel of this issue, was one editorially edict too many. And so for the first time since Giant Size X-Men #1, someone besides Claremont will write the dialog of Marvel's most famous Mutants.

This is an all right issue. Paul Smith, former star artist of the 80's, comes back and does an OK job. At the time I totally didn't realize it was the same guy who drew the issues in the From the Ashes trade paperback and the X-Men v Alpha Flight miniseries I owned. Part of it is I think this inker, Hilary Barta, is crapperier than Bob Wiacek, who worked with Smith back in the 80's. Also I think Smith's skills may have atrophied.

Anyhow, Xavier sneaks into Scotland to steal back his modified SR-71 Blackbird from the hanger Excalibur had stashed it. He then brings all the X-Men back to Muir Island where the Shadow King has been slowly corrupting Moira MacTaggart and her B List X-Men for the last, I dunno, 40 issues?

It's a pretty unfocused issue, with lots of rambling exposition. It starts off being narrated by the Shadow King and then switches to omniscient narrated after a couple pages. There's very little action until the last few pages, where the regular X-Men are defeated by the possessed X-Men. The phrase "babe in the proverbial woods" is used.

I did like this bit about the astral plane tho: "Possibilities unfettered by the anchor of fleshy physicality, limited solely to one's imagination."

And like I said, Colossus shows up I the final panel. I don't know if I'll keep doing these after next issue. Probably some sort of wrap up. Then I dunno - definitely not issue by issue. Maybe a post every story arc? Who fucking knows. It's football season, I have other priorities at the moment.

Priorities that also include stuffing my fat face with a mother fucking burrito, Cause it's fucking dinner and I'm hungry god damn it.

OK, I'm off to go burrito hunting!

X-MEN 277: FREAK CHALET

HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS I'M STILL DOING THESE FUCKING THINGS. WHAT EVEN THE FUCK FOR ANYWAY?

 

WOW A PG COVER. DON'T SEE THAT FROM ME VERY OFTEN.

BTW I WANT TO START A BAND CALLED DICK SMACKEY AND THE FARMINGTONES. WE WOULD COVER KID ROCK AND CREED MOSTLY.

THIS IS ISSUE IS A REAL COMING OUT PARTY FOR GAMBIT. HE FUCKING REGULATES ALL UP AND DOWN THE UNITED STATES OF SPACE.

HAHA, I FORGOT MITBAG IS AN ANAGRAM OF GAMBIT. VERY NICE. MITBAG. SOLID ANAGRAM.

COOLEST THING FORGE HAS EVER DONE, PROBABLY.

BY THE WAY I HAVE A QUESTION. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO FOR A FACE WHEN GODZILLA WANTS HIS BUTT BACK?

HAHAHA, THE BEST OF ALL BURNS.

JUST A NICE SEQUENCE INVOLVING LASER BLASTERS AND STORM WITH SHOULDER MOUNTED ROCKET LAUNCHERS AND THEN STORM GETTING ROCKED IN THE FACE WITH LASER BLASTS.
 

OH SORRY, DID YOU CONFUSE WOLVERINE WITH A MUTANT WHO COUNTENANCES TRIFLING?

ITS ACTUALLY FAKE SKRULL WOLVERINE, JUST FYI. BUT STILL, REAL WOLVERINE BROOKS NO FOOLISHNESS NEITHER.

MORE EVIDENCE OF MITBAG'S AFOREMENTIONED REGULATION. VERY BAWSE LIKE.

FUCK OFF FAKE PURPLE SKINNED, MOHAWKED, NON COPYRIGHT INFRINGING SUPERMAN!

THAT'S BUDDING FAN FAV MITBIG PLUNGING THAT SPEAR THROUGH FAKE SKRULL WOLVERINE'S BACK AND RIB CAGE (WHICH WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE WITH REAL WOLVERINE AND HIS UNBREAKABLE ADAMANTIUM COATED SKELETON, NATCH).

SO YEAH, MITBAG WRECKING HOUSE. WAY TO GO MITBAG.

PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE RECAPTIONED THIS IS A CURSE WORD. LIKE, OI CUNT. XAVIER COULD BE DOING A JASON STATHAM IMPRESSION, WHY NOT?

ANYWAY, XAVIER AND THE REST OF THE X-MEN WERE BOUND UP IN SOME COMPUTER THING AND THE SKRULLS WERE TAKING OVER AND THERE'S ACTUALLY WAY MORE TO THIS "HOST" THING AND THE SKRULLS WANT FEMALES FOR SOME SICK BROODING SHIT BUT THEY NEVER REALLY GET INTO IT AND EVENTUALLY THE REAL CHARLES XAVIER PLEASE STANDS UP AND THE X-MEN WIN.

BUT NO TIME TO CATCH YOUR BREATH X-PALS! THE FUCKING SHADOW KING HAS BEEN FUCKING UP MUIR ISLAND FOR LIKE 25 ISSUES. AND NOW HE MIND RAPED COLOSSUS AND HE'S ABOUT TO SIC HIM ON STEVIE FUCKING HUNTER (NO BIG LOSS IF I'M BEING HONEST). BUT STILL, GET THE FUCK OUT OF SPACE AND BACK HOME TO ERF YOU FUCKING X-MEN!

Another fun issue, and this time I'm not hungover but in fact, buzzed off natural light, for that natural smooth flavor that hopefully won't leave me feeling like warmed over death tomorrow.

This pretty much concludes Chris Claremont's last major story arc in Uncanny X-Bros that he sees through to the finish. Which is a shame, because this Shadow King fucking up of Muir Island has been brewing in the background for fucking years now. But Claremont recuses himself from the title before that whole thing is done. At this point he's like, 16, 17 years on the title, and is understandable burnt out. Still, it's a shame this is all coming to end, especially when these action packed issues with Jim Lee are really fucking kicking everything into high gear.

You definitely get the sense that Claremont is cognizant of impending finality of everything. There's a lot of call backs to the past and some dialog I meant to remember and quote here but then I got lazy and gizzard deep in bevos so you'll have to just read every god damn Uncanny X-Men comic like I fucking did and find the small pleasures and joy in picking up on these things yourselves. Christ it's not that hard, why don't you just do that, you'll fucking love it. Fucking X-Men.

Right, so Xavier is back with his team, altho it's changed quite a bit since he last fucked off the planet to hang out with his alien poontress Lilandra, back in issue, um, I dunno, two hundred and something. 200ish? Fuck it I can't remember. Wolverine and Storm are still there. Banshee is pretty fucking old school. Gambit is brand new and so is Jubilee. Forge is a douche bag but I think he met Xavier. I was actually a big fan of Mitbag because I bought his first appearance off the spinner rack and so I wanted him to be big since I had no ability to buy the first appearances of any of the other more established X-Mans as those issues were beyond the means by allowance afforded (of course now I have all their first appearances because I am a raging success in life, except X-Men #1 from 1963 but I'm not made out of money you know! I spend enough on comics, stop pressuring me!).

OK, not many more of these puppies left. Luckily (or, if you're my liver, unluckily), I'm not running out off beer any time soon. Hooray me right? (and fuck yourself, LIVER).

X-MEN 276: DOUBLE DRAGON BOOK DEATH

YOU GONNA BARK ALL DAY LITTLE DOGGIE, OR ARE YOU GONNA BITE?

BY THE WAY MY FUCKING HEAD IS KILLING ME. FUCKING BELGIAN ALES FUCK MY SHIT UP REAL GOOD. MIGHT AS WELL JUST DRINK HURRICANE MALT LIQUOR IF THIS IS THE HANGOVER I'M GONNA GET. YEAH, I SHOULD DRINK HURRICANES. GREAT VALUE IN THAT BRAND.

ANYWAY, XAVIER GOES FOR WOLVIES BASKET AND GETS MURDERED.

OR DOES HE???

FOR MOST OF THIS ISSUE, A LOT OF THE GOOD GUYS ACT LIKE BAD GUYS, AND ONE OF THE BAD GUYS (DEATHBIRD THERE) JOINS THE GOOD GUY TEAM.

ITS BECAUSE THINKS GET FUCKING CRAZY OUT IN SPACE!

THEN DEATHBIRD AND LILA CHENEY GO BREAST TO BREAST.

SAY, WHAT'S WOLVERINE BEEN UP TO?

GETTING DRUNK AT BARS AND PLOWING RANDO ALIEN POONTANG? SURE LOOKS THAT WAY.

I LOVE HOW CASUALLY THAT IMPLIED BONING IS DROPPED INTO THIS COMIC. ITS LIKE, HEY CAN I GET A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT? AFTER THAT INCREDIBLE SEX YOU MADE WITH ME LAST NIGHT, OF COURSE!

TASTE IT XAVIER.

SO STORM IS ALL LIKE "?"

AND THEN FORGE IS LIKE "!"

AND THEN I'M LIKE "( . Y . )"

ALSO THIS PANEL IS AWESOME. COMICS RULE.

HEY REMEMBER THE P!NDYR? PTERODACTYL LOOKING ALIEN FUCKERS? NO? WELL ANYWAY, THEY'RE DEAD.

AND FORGE CRIES ABOUT IT BECAUSE FORGE IS A FUCKING PUSSY.

ROBOTECH BABY.

COULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT WOLVERINE'S ASS CRACK HERE.

JIM LEE IS CLEARLY FAMILIAR WITH HENTAI

WAIT SO WHY ARE ALL THE GOOD GUYS ACTING LIKE STRAIGHT UP DICKHEADS AGAIN?

OH YEAH, CAUSE THEY'RE SKRULLS. I KNEW THAT.

NUMBER ONE I'VE GOT TO GO TAKE A NUMBER TWO.

This was another fun issue. Too bad I have such a throbbing headache right now, or I would have enjoyed it more. God damn why does anyone drink alcohol? It's fucking poison!

Just kidding booze, I will never leave you. You know that.

Anyway, now that the Savaged Lands saga is over, maestros Claremont and Lee can devout an entire issue to the United X-Men of SPACE. Gambit and Jubilee are captured by Xavier, Psylocke and some Starjammers and other space people who are normally good guys but are being pieces of shit because they are really Skrulls! Skrulls are an evil, green skin goblin looking race of aliens who can shape change, which means they can infiltrate other species and fuck them up big time!

So why don't they infiltrate Earth and take over if they're so good at transmogriphication? They tried! They wrote stacks and stacks of comic books about it! You can buy them all of you have like, $5,000!

Blarg. Anyway, I feel like shit. I'm going to go get a burrito. Next issue, the X-Bags and Xavier team up and beat the bad guys! (Spoiler alert).

X-MEN 275: THE PANTS NOT SHAKIN

SO MUCH GOOD SHIT IN A SPECIAL DOUBLE SIZED ARBITARY ROUNDISH NUMBER SPECTACULAR! SO LITTLE TIME TO BLOG DURING A BOOZE FILLED 4TH OF JULY EXTENDED WEEKEND. I'M SO BUSY. AND SO DRUNK.

 

OH MY GOD I LOVE THE X-MEN YOU GUYS.

 

I DREW SOME SUPER LARGE PEPERONI NIPS ALL OVER ALL THE X-MEN AND THE SUPPORTING CAST. I LIKE A NICE PEP SIZED NIP. PINK PUFFY SILVER DOLLAR SIZED NIPS SURE WHY NOT?

GREAT COVER. PROBABLY ONE OF MY BEST YET.

THE STARJAMMERS! INTERGALATIC SPACE PIRATES OF A SHAKESPEAREAN BENT! PERFECT, HAVE THEM IN THE COMIC BOOK SOUNDS GOOD TO ME!

THE X-PALS ARE ALL UP IN SPACE AND ARE FUCKING AROUND WITH SPACE SHIT. LIKE SHIPS. BIG FAT FUCKING SPACE SHIPS. HEY MAN, NICE FUCKING SPACE SHIPS. REAL FUCKIN NICE.

THE X-MEN FIGHT DEATHBIRD, AN EVIL SPACE BIRD ALIEN, AND SHE FUCKS WOLVERINE UP. CHECK OUT THE VERY EXCELLENT SEQUENCE FROM THE MASTER JIM LEE. YES VERY GOOD. 

HAHA, HUMOR FROM CLAREMONT THE MAESTRO. HE DOESN'T DO HUMOR VERY WELL BUT HERE I THINK HE NAILS IT. LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK GIANT FISH ALIEN FROM THE SPACE LAGOON, THE FUCK ARE YOU AND THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???

GNARLY DOUBLE PAGE SPREAD. NOW ITS THE XDUDES + STARJOBBERS VS THE IMPERIAL GUARD OF THE SHIAR BIRD ALIEN PEOPLE.

THE X-PALS WIN AND REUNITE WITH BALD DICK HEAD CHARLES XAVIER, THE CREEPY PERVERT WHO FOUNDED A "SCHOOL" WHERE HE IS THE ONLY ADULT IN CHARGE OF A BUNCH OF "SPECIAL" TEENAGERS. NICE FUCKIN TRY, XAVIER, I'M ON TO YOUR PLOY.

ALSO SIMOLTAENOUS TO SPACE ADVENTURE IS THE ROGUE, MAGNETO, KAZAR, NICK FUCKIN FURY AGENT OF FUCKING SHEILD BATTLE IN THE SAVAGE LAND OF FUCKING DINOSAURS!

WATCH OUT THERE BUDDY, THOSE DINOS LOOK ANGRY.

SO IF WE LET GAY PEOPLE GET MARRIED NOW, WHATS TO STOP ROGUE FROM MARRYING A T-REX?

THEY COME SOOOO CLOSE TO ACTUALLY USING THIS LINE FROM TOTAL RECALL. GOD DAMN THAT IS A GOOD MOVIE.

RICHTER, SEE YOU AT THE PARTY.

HAHA STILL FUNNY TO ME.
 

LOOKS LIKE THE EVIL ZALADANE HAS THE UPPER HAND ON OUR MISFIT BAND OF HEROES!

ALSO KINDA TRIPPY. NICE PANEL TEAM. 

OH NOS! I FORGOTS TO CROP THE TOP PART OF THIS PANELS IN MS PAINTS. NOW I LOOKS EVERY BIT THE RANK AMATEUR.

OH WELLS.

A WHOLE PAGE OF MASTERWORK BY THE LEGENDS LEE AND CLAREMONT. YOURE WELCOME WORLD FOR THIS GIFT I BESTOW TO YOU. GAZE UPON IN AWE AND LEARN SOMETHING FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.

SO MAGNETO IS KIND OF A MURDRING DICKHEAD AGAIN BUT OTHERWISE THE GOOD GUYS PREVAIL IN THE SAVAGELAND AND ROGUE HAS HER POWERS AND IS ON HER WAY TO BEING PART OF THE TEAM AGAIN.  

MEANWHILE, UP IN FUCKING SPACE
 

RAPE! NO, NOT REALLY. BUT KINDA LOOKS LIKE IT. NOT REALLY OK?

The X-Men "win" in outer space but what a minute, he's going around fucking people up after the bad guys and Deathbird is vanquished? Holy shit its that bald fucker Charles Xavier! But how? Why?

Spoiler alert, its a fucking Skrull.

We find that out next issue.

This issue was pretty fucking good tho. Dinosaurs, space aliens, fucking titties. Its got it all. if you want to read one of the best pure comic books of the era, you should start with this one. it makes Superman and Batman look like total shitheads. I fucking hate Superman. Batman is all right but its like, hey, fuck you Bruce Wayne. Get a fucking life. Only the excellent collection of villains saves Batman from being a complete piece of shit.

ANYWAY, this is a good comic. Yes I've said that already. OK so I'm done talking about then. Go fucking buy it and read it! I did!