X-MEN 114: DESOLATION - de act uv solating

Just like what the X-Mawns might be suffering: defeat - de tings on de end of de ankles.

Before we continue, I'd like to address the question that I often ask myself: Why the fuck am I doing this? If a bigger exercise in pathetic futility exists then I've not yet countenanced it. I can't possibly conjure any reasonable answer, so I'll just let let Phil, Gus and Ralph speak for me, in words more expertly chosen than I could have come up with on my own.



you have to wait until about the 9 minute mark. but once you have, it begs the question, why the fuck not? and of course there is no answer to that imponderable. the entire raison detre is itself. also I'm drunk and bored.

ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING, THE BEAST IS CARRYING AN UNCONSCIOUS PHOENIX THROUGH AN ANTARCTIC BLIZZARD.

SHIT.

BUT OF COURSE THEY DONT DIE, A FUCKING HELICOPTER THAT SHOULD NEVER IN EIGHT HUNDRED BILLION YEARS BE IN ANTARCTICA RESCUES THEM.

whatever, enough off them. back to the x-gashes who all we think are all dead. THEY ARE NOT DEAD!

WHA?

thats right they battled their way out of the molten MAGMA and are now in the SAVAGE (THAT ASS) LAND. the savageland is a tropical rain forest replete with dinos and such from the jurassic age anachronistically left over due to geo-thermal volcanic activity that heats the entire zone.

OK WHATEVER. The second half of the book is the x-poos fighting nasty dinozards and xavier feeling so sorry for his dead pupils but then the x-butts find they are FACE TO FACE WITH THE DEADLY VAMPIRE PTERODACTYL NAMED SAURON and the book ends on a cliffhanger.

Oh shit i need to include a yonder cartoon.

You see those are lines from the movie FULL METAL JACKET and often i am distracted by thoughts of movies of tremendous renowned such as those. Also I sometimes spend over half an hour on youtube listenign clips i found after typing in FAITH NO MORE LIVE into the search the box. so you see i live a charmed life.

also of note:

- wolverine wrecks house once again, i mean like every panel he is in he dominates. its tought to think that claremont and byrne knew they had a future multi million dollar property on their hands but they sure had great prescience if they didn't.

- cyclops shaves himself a pr0n stache at one point and thats how i drew him up there

- there is a quite exquisite panel of jean grey holding xavier's hand while they morn the x-men's (supposed) death in the x-mansion thats is drawn beautifully by bynre with the cross hatched shadow of the window blinds falling on both of them. it's really nice if i do say so.

- storm's got some tig ole biddies yes she does!

ok i think thats it. sauron v the x-hogs next round i think is up. now i'll fix myself another tasty libation yes? ok well not so tasty, but it will still meet the requirement of containing that sweet sweet booze i crave so bad.

the end.

X-MEN 113: the fuggin showdown

We waste not time in issue 113 as Magneto is pissed as shit and fucking everything up with his mastery of magnetism right off the bat. SH-ZKOW! goes the tank from New Zealand as Magnetits rips it apart. MAGNEATO IS FUCKING UP THE ENTIRE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE! They're even reporting it on the fuckin beeb!

No one really knows why Magnuts decided to crush Australia and New Zealand specificially, except probably that Claremont researched the names of some army bases in both countries and wanted to show off. So where are the X-Mingers? Aren't the supposed to stop this shit from happening? There are! Except theyre being held captive in Magneto's secret liar undeneath a volcano, being drugged and babied to death by a robotic nanny. What the fuck, that doesn't make any sense? What are these fuckers high or something?

At least Storm is trying to pick her lock and escape. BUT SHE FAILS. Letting her former beggar thief mentor of Cairo, Achmed, down, which she cries about. Literally. Awww, does little baby Storm want her bottle?

Then Maggiepants returns from his other secret liar ON AN ASTEROID IN OUTER SPACE. He is immediately assaulted by all the X-Men with range attackes because GUESS WHAT? Storm DID manage to escape when she tried a SECOND TIME. Suck it Achmed's ghost!

Now the X-dongs are ready to handle business, because Phoenix is mind-linking them all so Cyclops can use his otherworldly tactical skills to coordinate their attack. And it works, because Cyclops is my favorite and he rules! Go Cyke!

Then the Beast tries to jagov Nightcrawler the wrong way.

MASTERBATORY FAIL! LOL! 8==D~~~~~ (|-: *fart noise*

Then the X-Wads wail on Magface so hard that the fucking Volcano starts collapsing! And THEN the usually perceptive Cyclops calls the magma falling in around them lava. BUT LAVA ISN'T LAVA UNTIL IT ERUPTS OUT THE PEEHOLE OF THE VOLCANO YOU DUM DUM!

I know this is the days before Bill Nye the Science Lord but come on man, you're fucking killing me. You should be saying "Help me blast a channel through this MAGMA flow." Not LAVA flow.

Alas, the giant pool of MAGMA falls in on the X-Men, killing them all. Or so it seems! Magneto flys away because he is just that fucking powerful. And then we see Phoenix make out with the Beast. We're led to believe the rest of the X-Men don't make it. And Phoenix and the Beast are exhausted and desereted in the middle of an Antarctic blizzard. So after a mere hundred yards they both collapse and probably die too.

PROBABLY RIGHT? BUT I FUCKING DOUBT IT.

Anywho, another fun rock em sock em YOU TAKE SOME OF THIS! issue. And the new X-farts FINALLY beat Magneatoe, who is really only saved by his own stupid collapsing sub-volcanic secret liar. Also some major plot develops as the X-Men are are split up, with a large part of them believed dead. This happens several times over Claremont's long run. At least it's an original idea this time.

Also, you know what is not awesome? Applying for summer internships with shitty asshole companies who don't even ask you back for a second interview. Fuck you bitches. However what IS awesome is new episodes of Caprica followed by a cable viewing of Groundhog Day. So you take the good with the ass. Asi es la vida, putas.

X-MEN 112: MAGNETO! TRY, UM... PANTS?

Thats what I would say to Magneto if he asked me "HEY WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD PUT OVER MY LEGS TO KEEP MY UNDERWEAR FROM SHOWING?"

Then Magneto would put pants on and say, "MAGNETO TRIUMPHANT!" which also happens to be the title of issue 112. In it, Magneto wrecks all kinds of house all over the hapless X-Men. Let's take it from the start, where the X-Men had just beaten Mesmero in his trailer thingy but then find Magneto sitting there.

First: Magento stands in front of the X-Bungs and says "I swore I would destory you. AND I SHALL!" I like that, a man of conviction. Then the X-Bags look out the front door and realize Magneto is has lifted the trailer and everyone in it miles up into the air and is hurtling it through space at like a million miles an hour! Nice! Then magento recaps events from last issues (boring!) and then picks Mesmero up and chucks out the trailer because fuck him! YEAH! BAD ASS! THEN Magento has the flying trailer out run a couple of South American fighter jets (okaaaaaay) and THEN he takes the trailer to an active volcano on Antarctica and plunges the trailer full off mutants right into the molten lava (which is technically still MAGMA) and into the center of his secret liar which he constructed UNDERNEATH THE ACTIVE VOLCANO. You see he can do this because MAGNETO DOES WHATEVER THE FUCK MAGNETO WANTS.

This was still early in Claremont's run so he wasn't obsessed with taking former villains and making them good guys yet, which he did with like every decent bad guy ever (although lots of post-Claremont writers are just as, if not more, guilty for that trend as Claremont is). Point being: Magneto is totally fucking evil right now and he just doesn't give a shit. He is also super pissed because the last time he was defeated he was turned into a baby (yes it's true!) and he's ultra powerful so basically, Magneto is going to fuck all sorts of shit up and there isn't much the X-Turkey can do about it.

Or is there?

Well, not really. I just got finished saying Magneto is a rampaging evil bastard, didn't I? Anyway, the X-Thongs give it their best shot but as they attack Magsie one by one they get fucking crushed, one by one. Beast, Storm, Nightcrawler, Colossus, Banshee, Cyclops, Phoenix and Wolverine, in that order, all get totally ruined. Then ol' magnet face stands over his vanquished nemeses and gloats.

What's totally fucking crazy, though, is Magnetballs' plan for the X-Loafs. Instead of just killing the shit out of them, which he could do as easily as picking his nose, he decided to lock them all up in chairs and have a robotic nanny torture them by treating them all like babies! WHO THE FUCK THINKS LIKE THAT? Fuckin crazy super villains with serious mother issues, I suppose. And Chris Claremont. I guess.

The other stupid bit is when Phoenix fights Magneto, and instead of just obliterating him, since she's, you know, the most powerful being in the universe now (as they've explained in the comic book many times by now), her power conveniently conks out, for no apparent reason and Magento subsequently KO's her. Although if I were Phoenix I'd find that decidedly inconvenient (said Andy Defresne).

Other than that its a pretty book. Magneto shows off his leet skills and then fucks up the X-Men. Good job comic book, you're all right!

X-MEN 111: MINDGAMES!

Yeah, that's fine, whatever. I can't think of a good fuckin pun for that title, probably because it's actually decent. Plus its late and I have fucking accounting homework to do. AW FUCK.

Issue 111 features the return of art team John Byrne and Terry Austin, the Jesus fuggin Christ our Lord and fuggin Savior. It's good, but a little fuckin weird. Like wacky, but not in a totally terrible way. You can get a good impression of the deal by the cover.

The first page starts right in the middle of the story, with the Beast, one of the original Silver Age X-Men but is now A FUCKING AVENGER, at a carnival. Ooh fun!

The Beast is at the carnival because of a bunch of events that happens in other comic books that I don't give a shit about it, so fuck the flashback that explains it. More importantly is that all the carnival freaks look just like the X-Men! AAAH I'M SICK OF YOU FREAKS!

The Beast tries to snap the obviously brainwashed X-Men out of thinking they're simple carnie geeks but he fails (boo!). The Beast's limp, flaccid, defeated body is brought before the bad guy behind this nefarious plot and finds out its MESMERO, who is a total faggot! I really don't know shit about Mesmero but apparently his power is brainwashing.

Then Wolverine, who by now firmly established himself as the most bad ass of all Marvel superheroes, breaks free of Mesmero's control (because he is fucking BAD ASS) and helps the Beast free the rest of the X-Men and then fuck Mesmero's pussy ass up.

Then this scene happens!

Hah, no that doesn't happen really. No then the X-Men discover that once again, its that evil dick Magento who was REALLY behind everything. Man, fuck that fuckin guy!

And thus ends the zaniest issue of Claremont's run thus far. Since the X-Men are at a carnival, they all talk like 30's gansters (obviously). So while no one says "Say hello to my tommy gun, coppa!" they DO say things like "This bozo's got me confused with some other broad. Get him outta here, willya, Slim?"

Then there's the whole idea that the badguy, Mesmero, captured all the X-Men with his powers and then decided he'd make them all pretend to be carnival freaks. I mean, he had to construct all the cages and draw up the posters and hire extra goons to help handle the crowds and schlep all the gear. What the fuck? Why? Why not just fucking kill them? Who the fuck vanquishes their enemies and then uses them to run a fake carnival? NO ONE COULD POSSIBLY GET THAT FUCKING BORED. Its thats just silly, man, come the fuck on.

Oh, then there's this gem from Wolvie, after Phoenix ZRAKOW!'s him with her powers right after she snaps out of Mesmero's mind control: "Shoot, lady, you pack a MEAN ZAP."

Well we'll have to see what kind of mean zap's Magneto's got planned for the X-Cakes next fuggin issue, now won't we!

X-MEN 110: What the frig does 'X'-SANCTION mean?

Even though the pages of X-Men 110 are unsullied by random Canadian buttlicks, this ish is a real turkey. It's also call "The 'X'-SANCTION" which is a completely made up word that is never explained OR EVEN USED ONCE! Exsanction isn't even a fucking word! what the fuck, man!

What is nice is that we see for the first time, the X-Pals pal'ing around the X-Mansion playing baseball together like a bunch of real pals. Whats not so nice is the horrible fucking drawing by fill in scrub Tony DeZuniga, who most likely has never seen baseball played before in his life, nor could he bothered to look up reference photos of people playing baseball, which, even in the pre-interweb days of 1978 still couldn't be all that fucking hard to get a hold of.

Here is the god awful scene of X-Pals unwinding with a little hardball in the backyard. I actually spent a decent amount of time recreating all the awfulness psuedo-meticulously.

I admit I changed Xavier around a little bit, but pretty much everything else is as you see it on the page. Including the fact that Wolverine and Nightcrawler are in costume but no one else. The rest of the terrible details are facsimile.

As I mentioned, this issue contains fill in art by not-John-Byrne, and it fucking blows. Claremont somehow scripts it so it fits into continuity, but the fact that there is no Lilandra makes me think this is one of those issues that are produced in advance and kept on file to be 'burned' if the regular artist misses a deadline or some other cock-up of the editorial stewardship. Furthermore, a few issues later Byrne becomes a co-plotter with Claremont. Couple that with him being a notoriously speedy artist and my guess is the Marvel peeps were like, look, if you two are going to go crank out a whole shit load of news stories, we have to use this other crappy issue that we already paid for now, while it can still make some sort of sense.

So of course the plot is some retarded fill in crap and the X-Men are trapped in their own danger room and the fail safe has been turned off and OH FUCK WHO IS THIS WAR HAWK ASSHOLE? Apparently he is a dick with a turtleneck sweater and a gun. Also some invulnerable steel skin or some shit. Who fucking cares, the X-Men obviously win and nothing off consequence happens.

And the art seriously sucks balls. Wolverines claws are totally fucked up the entire issue. All right, fuck this, I'm so sick of this issue already. I'm done.

X-MEN 109: HOME ARE THE FUGGIN GYROS

The fuggin heroes return home! And they've got alien bird empress fuckin Lilandra with them! She loves Xavier and fucking Banshee loves Moira Mactaggart, who used to love fuggin Xavier! But it's cool bro. And Storm fucking showers naked in the X-mansion's attic while Jean Grey's parents want to know what the fuck is going on! So Phoenix explains in a fuggin flashback! Then Nightcrawler gets a date, Colossus broods and Cyclops fuckin bitches angstily! Then Storm, Colossus, Banshee and Moira go fucking picnicing while fuckin Wolverine hunts a fucking deer! Then Weapon Alpha attacks Wolverine and the fight! FUCK. But Banshee and Colossus and fuckin Storm come to help Wolverine out and Weapon Alpha gets the fuck out of there. That fuckin it!

Really strong issue by Byrne and Claremont. Now that the space saga is over, Claremont show's the X-Men settling in around the mansion and explores the more mundane aspects of being a superhero mutant in the modern world. So while it might sound lame as shit reading a scene where Cyclops and Nightcrawler discuss responsibility and melancholy in one of the mansion's many studies, it actually makes for onee of the more interesting scenes in the book so far. And Byrne's ability to draw simple realistic backgrounds and settings is under rated, but very much appreciated. His heroes don't look nearly as "posed" as Cockrum's.

And then Captain Maple Leaf the boner king of Canadia comes in and fucks with Wolverine for trying to leave the Canadian Weapon X program. That's right, already with the mysterious origin of Wolverine! Man, all this talk of the great white North makes me want to chug some tree sap and molest a grizzly bear!

Actually, I have to start the second semester of my first year in business school in seven and a half hours so I'm going to stop writing about Bronze age super hero comic books and go to bed. and thats why this recap totally sucks a space needle sized bone rod. But you want to know what else? Canadians are bunch beady eyed pussies. Go sit on a hockey stick you great big stinking piles of moose shit.

X-MEN 108: VEAL PARMAGEDDON NOW!

Mmm... dead burnt baby cow flesh. I was also thinking of a more PETA-friendly title, ARMAGEDDY LEE NOW! But as much as I love Canadian prog rock, I love that sweet sweet baby cow meat even more.

The cover to X-Rags one oh eight depicts are heroes being cast hither and thither all willy nilly by a giant ten foot tall robotic fist slamming down on top of them. That's a pretty good fuggin start if you ask me. And once inside we're treated to the visual stylings of John Byrne's penciling and Terry Austin's ink job. Two mastercraftsmen mastering their craft. If I had to describe their technique in one pithy slogan, it would be: An economy of strokes, a wealth of detail.

This marks the start of an 3 year run of Claremont and Byrne that nerds the world over recognize as giving them very nicely sized boners. What do I think about this run? Does this achingly taut pitched tent answer your question? Or to quote the inimitable youth savant, Beavis, "Boooioioioioioiong!"

So what actually happens in this finely composed comic showpiece? Glad you asked, I was getting a little tired of stroking off John Byrne.

So the X-Nips had their bacon saved by the Starjammrods and the Imperial Guardsmen are strewn about the battlefield like so many turds in at the bottom of a port-o-potty. Unfortunately, D'Ken, the evil bird alien king, has already activated the 9 Deathstars and the M'Krann Crystal so all of existence is being literally blinked into oblivion. Oh noes!!!1

X-Man butt buddy Dr. Corbeau is up in a spacelab named Starcore and is able to explain all of this to the Avengers, the Fantastic Fourskin, the President Jimmy Cahtah (really! hicck accent and all!) and to the confused readers.

But the M'Krann crystal has it's own built in safety mechanism, which manifests itself in the form of a little purple dude named Jahf. Jahf does not fuck around. Observe:

That little sumbitch knocks Wolverine literally IN TO OUTER FUCKING SPACE. Whappo, indeed.

Luckily the Assjammer's space ship is near by, which is promptly dispatched to collect the errant berserker.

Jahf pummels the X-Muffs around for a bit until Banshee lets loose 'strongest, tightest-beamed scream I've ever tried,' which probably sounded a lot like Loyd Christmas' most annoying sound in the world from Dumb and Dumber.

Banshee is wiped out but his gambit paid off and Jahf is KO'd. But then the big rowbit fist comes KTHOOMing out of nowhere and the X-Men find themselves totally fucked by MODT, the second guardian of the M'Krann crystal and one THOUSAND times more powerful then buttlick Jahf, the first guardian.

Raza, the orange skinned space pirate is pissed as shit that he has to deal with all this god damn bullshit, so he picks D'Ken, the evil space bird alien king responsible for this whole clusterfuck, and chucks him into the god damn crystal.

Then theres like trippy, cosmic, existential battling as Phoenix, who is at this point the most powerful entity in the universe, flexes her psychic muscles and basically wills the universe back together. Lots of over-wrought gnashing of galactic teeth if you ask me. Here is a typical passage of what we're dealing with: "POWER FLARES FROM THE PHOENIX TO THE LATTICE, AND WHERE HER BEAMS TOUCH, THE SILVERY ENERGY STRANDS GLOW A FRACTION BRIGHTER."

You get the idea. Anyway, Phoenix is successful because Cosair and Storm offer their life forces as anchor's so Jean Grey doesn't get too fucked up while she repairs the vision of the harmony of things, or whatever the fuck Claremont is talking about.

But it all in good fun and its a fitting wrap up to whats essentially been one long storyline, 16 issues and two and a half years in the making. Though you could say that this story arc didn't techinically start until issue 96, after the title is rebooted in Giant Size X-Men 1 and Thunderbird is killed off in X-Men 94 and 95, it's an impressive run no matter how you slice it. And it all looks like a bunch of dumb ass kids shit when looking through the rose tinted sci-fi goggles of the present, what with stuff like Battlestar Galactica and the Dark Knight Returns, but remember what comics where back in the 70s. Newspaper print stapled together, marketed to kids tagging along with the moms at the grocery store, read a few times and kept around in piles until parents get sick of stepping on them, at which point they're launched into a dumpster with old copies of TV Guide and Reader's Digest. Claremont, and his editors, where taking a big chance letting some new talent take what was basically a canceled title and letting him run with it for as long as he did. Now theyre teaming him up with a hot new talent (although I think these two actually worked with each other previous in a 3rd tier spider-man comic prior to their run on X-Men).

What I'm saying is HOLY SHIT DO NERDS LOVE OLD CLAREMONT AND BYRNE X-MEN COMICS.

Allright, like I said, that enough handjobs for these guys. Shit'll get even better in the next issues and crap that actually shows up in the movies and what not finally materializes. Gooooooo X-DONGS!