X-MEN 112: MAGNETO! TRY, UM... PANTS?

Thats what I would say to Magneto if he asked me "HEY WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD PUT OVER MY LEGS TO KEEP MY UNDERWEAR FROM SHOWING?"

Then Magneto would put pants on and say, "MAGNETO TRIUMPHANT!" which also happens to be the title of issue 112. In it, Magneto wrecks all kinds of house all over the hapless X-Men. Let's take it from the start, where the X-Men had just beaten Mesmero in his trailer thingy but then find Magneto sitting there.

First: Magento stands in front of the X-Bungs and says "I swore I would destory you. AND I SHALL!" I like that, a man of conviction. Then the X-Bags look out the front door and realize Magneto is has lifted the trailer and everyone in it miles up into the air and is hurtling it through space at like a million miles an hour! Nice! Then magento recaps events from last issues (boring!) and then picks Mesmero up and chucks out the trailer because fuck him! YEAH! BAD ASS! THEN Magento has the flying trailer out run a couple of South American fighter jets (okaaaaaay) and THEN he takes the trailer to an active volcano on Antarctica and plunges the trailer full off mutants right into the molten lava (which is technically still MAGMA) and into the center of his secret liar which he constructed UNDERNEATH THE ACTIVE VOLCANO. You see he can do this because MAGNETO DOES WHATEVER THE FUCK MAGNETO WANTS.

This was still early in Claremont's run so he wasn't obsessed with taking former villains and making them good guys yet, which he did with like every decent bad guy ever (although lots of post-Claremont writers are just as, if not more, guilty for that trend as Claremont is). Point being: Magneto is totally fucking evil right now and he just doesn't give a shit. He is also super pissed because the last time he was defeated he was turned into a baby (yes it's true!) and he's ultra powerful so basically, Magneto is going to fuck all sorts of shit up and there isn't much the X-Turkey can do about it.

Or is there?

Well, not really. I just got finished saying Magneto is a rampaging evil bastard, didn't I? Anyway, the X-Thongs give it their best shot but as they attack Magsie one by one they get fucking crushed, one by one. Beast, Storm, Nightcrawler, Colossus, Banshee, Cyclops, Phoenix and Wolverine, in that order, all get totally ruined. Then ol' magnet face stands over his vanquished nemeses and gloats.

What's totally fucking crazy, though, is Magnetballs' plan for the X-Loafs. Instead of just killing the shit out of them, which he could do as easily as picking his nose, he decided to lock them all up in chairs and have a robotic nanny torture them by treating them all like babies! WHO THE FUCK THINKS LIKE THAT? Fuckin crazy super villains with serious mother issues, I suppose. And Chris Claremont. I guess.

The other stupid bit is when Phoenix fights Magneto, and instead of just obliterating him, since she's, you know, the most powerful being in the universe now (as they've explained in the comic book many times by now), her power conveniently conks out, for no apparent reason and Magento subsequently KO's her. Although if I were Phoenix I'd find that decidedly inconvenient (said Andy Defresne).

Other than that its a pretty book. Magneto shows off his leet skills and then fucks up the X-Men. Good job comic book, you're all right!