X-MEN 107: where no x-man has pooped before

Let me just say right off the bat, that you have not watched football on tv until you've watched that tv through an open doorway that leads to your bathroom that has a toilet in it on which you are sitting and pinching off a nice smooth loaf. Also you are simultaneously drinking a beer. Only THEN, my friends, can it be said that you have truly watched football on tv before.

Ok, so besides being totally great and doing awesome stuff like that like ALL THE TIME I've also made it to the end of Dave Cockrum's first run as artist on the X-Loaves, and I'll be honest, I'm kinda glad it's over. I mean, Cockrum isnt a TERRIBLE artist, but he isn't all that great either. Plus John Byrne starts his classic stint next issue and he is undeniably better. If you're familiar with the past starting quarterbacks of the New York Giants, its kind of like having Phil Simms take over for Dave Brown.

So anyways, when we last saw the X-Knobs they had just all jumped through a interstellar portal because Xavier strongly suggested that they do so (why the fuck not, right?) and then find themselves on a double page spread in front of this really big, like 2 story diamond (pssh, probably just a CZ) and like a dozen or so new superhero types.

Everyone speaks English (duh) and none of the X-men have any problem breathing on this new planet (which Claremont geniusly dubs, "The World"). Predictably there is some pretense (specifics are not important right now) that get the two super groups to fight and so they wail on each other for a while. Pow! Bam! Sock! Nards!

The gist of it all is Evil Bird-Alien Emperor D'Ken is holding his sister, hot bird-alien babe Lilandra, hostage. Lilandra had just barely managed to recruit the X-Men to help stop her crazy brother from using that giant diamond, which he thinks is a weapon but will really just destory the entire universe. D'Ken is just one of those two dimensional bad guys who has a hard-on for giant death rays. Fuggin jagov that guy.

D'Ken is such an incredible dickface that he even summons a Soul Drinker to drink Lilandra's soul. Can you believe this fuckin guy? A SOUL DRINKER? Fuckin A. Check it out.

OH SHIT THAT SOUL IS GOING TO BE TOTALLY QUAFFED BY THAT FUCKING DEMON!

But don't worry. Nightcrawler 'ports in and rescues the princess just in time. Lilandra then explains that all the bad guys the X-Men have been facing since issue 97 (thats like, 10 issues ago for you non math majors) were due to the machinations of D'Ken's spy on Earth, Davan Shakari, who dressed up like Eric the Red and ran interference with the X-Loafs so they wouldn't be able to help Lilandra thwart D'Ken. If it sounds like Claremont is just making this shit up as he goes ITS PROBABLY BECAUSE HE IS.

So the X-Men and the Shi'ar Imperial Guard (those would be those dozen other super heroes that are on D'Ken's side, though they are not necessarily evil, just following das orders mien herr), fight some more. Then Gladiator, the head imperial guardsman who is basically Superman with purble skin and a mohawk, is about to smash Lilandra to death because she won't blindly follow the fuhrer as he obliterates all time and space when -SHZAK!- in comes the Starjammers to save the day!

Ah, the Starjammers. giant lizard fish man Ch'od, space pirate captain Cosair, Raza, the orange skinned space pirate cyborg, and Hepzibah, a space cat pirate babe. Yep, thats the fuckin Starjobbers (a star job is when a girl masturbates you while you pilot a space ship, if you didn't know).

Allright, well whatever, so these guys show up and tilt the battle in the X-Men's favor and Phoenix accidentally discovers that Cosair is Cyclops long lost father (because off her mental telepathy) but she doesn't tell anyone else and D'Ken looks like he might be vanquished but then he's all like TOO LATE PUSSIES - THE DEATHSTARS HAVE ALIGNED. Yeah they call them deathstars. There was no shame in 1970's comic books.

HOLY SHIT DOES THAT MEAN THE UNIVERSE IS GOING TO GET TOTALLY FUCKED UP AND DIE AS WE KNOW IT AS THAT PRICK DOCTOR CCORBEAU SAYS IN THE LAST PANEL? Nobody knows. Not even the fantastic Doctor Reed Richards of the Friggin Four fuckin knows.

So again, ignoring the stupidity (it's just the nature off the beast. Getting caught up in the bullshit in old superhero comics is like freaking out about plot holes in porno movies. If that's all you're caring about then you're missing the point, brah), this was a pretty good royal rumble. Cockrum and Claremont dump close two 2 dozen new characters in one issue. Possibly because it was Cockrum's last, I have no idea. None of them are GREAT characters, stock characters and powers in new costumes mostly, but many them are used quite a bit in the X-universe in subsequent years.

Great, well, smell you later Cockrum. I enjoyed checking out your drawings of the all new all different X-Men. I didn't read them when they came out but I did read the Classic X-Men reprints when they came out in the 80's, and so by reading these black and white reprints in the Essential X-Men books I bought on Ebay, my aching cavernous nostalgia was the least bit satiated. Also your name is cock and rum. tee hee.