X-MEN 113: the fuggin showdown

We waste not time in issue 113 as Magneto is pissed as shit and fucking everything up with his mastery of magnetism right off the bat. SH-ZKOW! goes the tank from New Zealand as Magnetits rips it apart. MAGNEATO IS FUCKING UP THE ENTIRE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE! They're even reporting it on the fuckin beeb!

No one really knows why Magnuts decided to crush Australia and New Zealand specificially, except probably that Claremont researched the names of some army bases in both countries and wanted to show off. So where are the X-Mingers? Aren't the supposed to stop this shit from happening? There are! Except theyre being held captive in Magneto's secret liar undeneath a volcano, being drugged and babied to death by a robotic nanny. What the fuck, that doesn't make any sense? What are these fuckers high or something?

At least Storm is trying to pick her lock and escape. BUT SHE FAILS. Letting her former beggar thief mentor of Cairo, Achmed, down, which she cries about. Literally. Awww, does little baby Storm want her bottle?

Then Maggiepants returns from his other secret liar ON AN ASTEROID IN OUTER SPACE. He is immediately assaulted by all the X-Men with range attackes because GUESS WHAT? Storm DID manage to escape when she tried a SECOND TIME. Suck it Achmed's ghost!

Now the X-dongs are ready to handle business, because Phoenix is mind-linking them all so Cyclops can use his otherworldly tactical skills to coordinate their attack. And it works, because Cyclops is my favorite and he rules! Go Cyke!

Then the Beast tries to jagov Nightcrawler the wrong way.

MASTERBATORY FAIL! LOL! 8==D~~~~~ (|-: *fart noise*

Then the X-Wads wail on Magface so hard that the fucking Volcano starts collapsing! And THEN the usually perceptive Cyclops calls the magma falling in around them lava. BUT LAVA ISN'T LAVA UNTIL IT ERUPTS OUT THE PEEHOLE OF THE VOLCANO YOU DUM DUM!

I know this is the days before Bill Nye the Science Lord but come on man, you're fucking killing me. You should be saying "Help me blast a channel through this MAGMA flow." Not LAVA flow.

Alas, the giant pool of MAGMA falls in on the X-Men, killing them all. Or so it seems! Magneto flys away because he is just that fucking powerful. And then we see Phoenix make out with the Beast. We're led to believe the rest of the X-Men don't make it. And Phoenix and the Beast are exhausted and desereted in the middle of an Antarctic blizzard. So after a mere hundred yards they both collapse and probably die too.

PROBABLY RIGHT? BUT I FUCKING DOUBT IT.

Anywho, another fun rock em sock em YOU TAKE SOME OF THIS! issue. And the new X-farts FINALLY beat Magneatoe, who is really only saved by his own stupid collapsing sub-volcanic secret liar. Also some major plot develops as the X-Men are are split up, with a large part of them believed dead. This happens several times over Claremont's long run. At least it's an original idea this time.

Also, you know what is not awesome? Applying for summer internships with shitty asshole companies who don't even ask you back for a second interview. Fuck you bitches. However what IS awesome is new episodes of Caprica followed by a cable viewing of Groundhog Day. So you take the good with the ass. Asi es la vida, putas.