Regular old PENIS UNLEASHED would also rhyme with PHOENIX UNLEASHED but I prefer going with 'three dicks' because it implies explicitly the presence of two more dicks and holy fuckin shit i never turn the opportunity to treble my dick quotient. fuckin dicks man, its what i live for bro.
great, so it's saturday night and i'm going to write about some x-men comics but its cool cause ive been drinking, so im not a total fuckin loser. right, lets get fucking to it then.
oh hey look, charles barkley on fuckin SNL. fuck me, right?
Now in X-men one hundred and five, published in june nineteen hundred and seventy fuckin seven, the x-men are fighting this guy eric the red, who's been hounding there asses for months, FOR MONTHS, right there on the first splash page.
And everyones like "Eric the Red you fuckin dick! Now youre going to get whats coming to you - for fucking with the X-men! Yeah!"
And then right as Wolverine is about to cut his ass up the fucking FIRELORD comes out of nowhere and FUCKS HIS ASS UP with a FLAMING BLAST from his fuckin FLAMING STAFF of the FIRELORD.
They fight for a couple pages and then (UGH) everything that's been going on for the last bunch off issues gets explained, which means this will take awhile. (ps Kristin Wiig is looking pretty hot. I'd like to slip her my tube steak. yeah, boners).
so like, eric the red is really a a member of the alien race called the Shi'ar. He chose to impersonate Eric the Red because I one point Cyclops was tricked into fighting the X-Men AS Eric the Red so this Shi'ar guy Shakari dressed as Eric the Red to confuse the X-Men and fuck man how tedious is this, shit.
how do i condense this? So, Xavier's been having these space nightmares because this alien, Lilandra, has been trying to contact him so he can help her over throw her brother, D'Ken, from blowing up the unviverse with a big space crystal that he thinks is an awesome intergalactic weapon but actually if he uses it he will eradicate all existence and, no wait, that happens next issue, or no the one after the next issue.
MOTHERFUCKER. drinking and recapping the the first claremont/cockrum run on x-men was a bad idea. ok gonna start over.
X-men fight Eric the Red. Firelord comes in and fucks up the X-men. Firelord fucks X-Men up. Firelord was tricked by Eric the Red into attacking the X-Men because Eric the Red is a fucking DICK. THEN Eric the Red convinces Firelord to go find Xavier and FUCK HIM UP TOO (also because he is a dick).
Then we see some aliens trying to kill another alien. then the first alien heads towards earth and the other aliens decide they dont want to fuck with earth because earthlings have fucked up Galactus not once, not twice, not THRICE, but FOUR TIMES BITCHES. YES EARTHLINGS IN YOUR FACE. SUCK ON THESE EARTH NUTS AND CHOKE ON MY EARTH DONG. FUCK YOU ALIENS CUNTLICKS!
then the alien escaped to earth and finally to xavier who's talking to jean grey and jean grey's parents and jean grey's roommate Misty Knight (who is NOT a stripper, shockingly) and Xavier is all like "Oh fuck, the alien from my dreams! And this alien is a babe! She's got a weird hairdo and says she's a bird-like race but i say shes a presedential race of Babraham Lincolns!"
Then Firelord shows up to fuck up Xavier and then Jean Grey's like, oh no, bitch, im not only jean greay but i'm also fuckin PHOENIX UNLEASHED SO FUCK OFF TO HELL AND DIE YOU FIREFUCKASS!
Then Firelord is fucked off all the way to Union Park in lower manhattan where chris claremont and dave cockrum are talking about making the X-Men comic book when they are interrupted by FIRELORD'S FUCKING BODY and they are like WHOA WE ARE META BEFORE IT IS COOL SO SIENFELD AND LARRY DAVID CAN SUCK BOTH OUR RESPECTIVE COCKS WITH INCREDIBLE GUSTO.
AND THEN (fuckin A i think its almost over) eric the red constructs a intersellar gateway on the top of jean grey's apartment building (yeah fine, whatever) and grabs Lilandra the alien bird, uh, chick (fuckin ha ha) and then xavier's like NO DAMMIT, NOW THE WORLD WILL END, HOW DO I SOLVE THIS PROBLEM?
So then i redrew the next panel in the comic:
But in the comic they actually all do go after Shakari (ooooh my hips dont lie!) and Lilandra (and phoenix too) and then Firelord comes back and is like 'Right, now i plan on DEFINITELY fucking you up, xavier', and xavier is all like 'whatever man, you're just a fuckin stooge and my x-clowns are on there way to another planet to save the UNIVERSE so fuckin suck me.'
AND FINALLY WE ARE DONE FUCK THIS.
No comments:
Post a Comment