Giant-Size X-Men #1

I bought Giant-Size X-men back in the early 90's from the local comic shop in my town, the dearly departed One Flight Up II. I had to save up a crap load of allowances AND buy it during their yearly summer sale weekend at 30% off. It was the only comic I ever bought from off 'the wall'. I was pretty young and stupid and didn't treat it nearly as well as I should have and it ended up getting an extra rip or two on the back cover. Nuts.

Up until I graduated college, moved out on my own and bought a big screen TV for fourteen hundred bucks, it was the most expensive thing I ever owned. The TV is a rear screen projection though so now its worth fuck all. Double nuts. My most valued possesion is pretty easily my car, which the state of Maryland recently told me is worth eight grand, and promtly taxed me 300 dollars for it. Fuck you shitty state of Maryland.

Ok, gay personal story time is over. How do you like that cover I did? It got tedious after awhile, as Thunderblimp can attest. I think you can click on it to enlarge it and read all the hilarious captions I included. If you haven't passed out yet from laughing at the dong bag bit that is.

I don't think I'll be making a habit of recreating these covers as I plow through the these x-men, but I definitely will included plenty of shitty MS Paint pics with plenty ass, fart and poop jokes, among other humorous topics.

I also don't want to recap each comic, but I do want to comment on it. E.g. GS X-Men 1 is a pretty big turd. It reads like typical silver age tripe, with insane exposition masquerading as dialog and a bafflingly silly plot that segues like an acid trip.

Here's a panel I replicated in MS Paint with 50% verbatim dialog.

I'll try to wrap up the rest of my comments as this is already taking too long. So it's a fun read, mostly as a time machine to see how crappy comics used to be. When I first read it in Classic X-Men #1, I thought it was breathtaking, but I had also learned to read about a month earlier.

Here's some part of the book that seem totally fucking dumb in hindsight.

- Storm has mutant powers, so obviously she's treated as a goddess by her savage tribesmen. Because black people from Africa in the 1970's were all simple minded dirt worshiping savages.

- Likewise, towns in 1970's Germany were all exactly like they were in Frankenstein.

- Wolverine wants to leave the Candian Weapon X program because it chafes his rugged individuality. So he goes and joins a team with an old wheelchair bound taskmaster for a boss.

- The old X-Men are trapped on a living island that is sucking the life out of them. Once the new X-Men rescue them, instead of just leaving, the stay and try and fight even though the just get housed.

- The living island, named Krakoa (woof), is defeated by, um, well its not really explained but somehow the island is shot into space. Okaaaaaaay.

- There's more crap but I think you get the idea.

On the other head, it IS nice seeing the so much plot crammed into so few pages, back before the days of 'decompression'. Decrompession is actually just a code word for, 'not totally retarded or unrealistic', but the old method is not without merits. I guess.

I dunno, I don't feel like explaining anymore of this nonsense. Wolverine, Thunderbird and Sunfire have a fun time competing to see who can be the biggest dick but otherwise is comic is useless, beyond introducing the new X-Men.

Allright! Tune in next time to find out the answer to the cliche "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH 13 X-MEN?" Whaa, waw, waaaw.