Tuesday, November 24, 2009

X-MEN 100: GREATER LOVE HATH NO X-MAN... OMG WORST TITLE EVER


Yes! It's finally here! The one hundredth fucking issue of the cocksucking dicklicking x-muffs! That's my homage to the cover of X-Men 100, isn't it rad? Some professional artist did a similar homage for a real comic book, which I posted below.
WHOA - COOL.

Hey I have that comic too. I'M SO COOL!!!

Ok so the X-Men are fighting the X-Men. Whaaaaa?!?!?! And so the first page is a splash and the next two pages are a double splash! And then there SIX MORE PAGES of awesome bad ass fighting. Especially by WOLVERINE who is FUCKING SHIT UP. Then Havoc tries to blast Colossus apart and then Colossus WRECKS HOUSE and sends Havoc FLYING! KROM!

And then Wolverine TEARS JEAN GREY TO FUCKING PIECES. WOLVERINE IS A TRUE BEZERKER!!!

But it wasn't Jean Grey, it was another rowbit. Awwww. So Wolverine ruined Dr. Lang's evil plan and he spends the next 2 pages in a double spread crying out in anguish saying "By all that's holy - HOW COULD THIS BE!?!"

Well I'll tell you how, because Wolverine got involved and everyone knows he's a fucking animal who kills and kills and kills and there is nothing you can do to stop him so don't even fucking try, bub.

And then Lang explains some of the history of his plan and then Cyclops, all enraged that he would threaten the real Jean Grey, smashes all sorts of shit with his optic beam (that's goes 'FRAK'), and so Lang escapes in some flying pod thing but then Jean Grey telekenetically fucks with the controls and Lang can't control his pod anymore and he goes CRASHING right into a wall. SPLAT. So he's dead. Jean Grey basically totally killed a guy. But they don't really talk about that much.

So NOW the X-men and Dr. Corbeau (yeah that jagov is still around) have to get off the evil space station and fly home in a damaged space ship with no space suits and in the midst of the WORST solar flares in the history of space flight (whoa). How will they do it? Well Jean Grey will do it all by her pretty little self. First she will knock Cyclops out so he will stop bitching and let her get down to business and THEN she will steal Dr. Corbeau's space skills so she can fly the dang thing and THEN she will protect everyone form the deadly solar flares with a nifty telekenetic shield. Will it work? Well we're supposed to think that it might NOT but what do you fuckin think? You think there's any chance in hell they don't all make it back to Earth all alive and just fine? Yeah, that's what I thought. Great guess you fuckin genius. A regular Sherlock Holmes. Shit.

So this ish was pretty fun. The bad X-Men actually being robots was kind of cheap, but not the worst you could come up with. Claremont puts a couple sub plots, Xavier's space dreams and Black Tom bit on hold to focus on the battle royale. He also develops Wolverine's animal berserker instincts, making him seem even more dangerous, yet rounding out his character into being more than just a short, hairy, Canadian jerk.

And artist Dave Cockrum does a great job illustrating the fight. He's got some severe short comings (most notably perspective, which leads to an overabundance of dull, straight on angles), but he does a pretty good ob here. I think he's also helped by inking his own work (Frank Chiaramonte, the inker for last issue, totally blows).

One thing that's weird is how evil Dr. Steven Lang starts celebrating, declaring he's "WON" once the battle starts. Why are evil villains so over confident? A good touch, on the other hand, was how Claremont used the old, abandoned (I'm assuming) S.H.I.E.L.D. space station for Lang's base of operations. It doesn't make perfect sense but at least Lang's taking over an already functionally space station instead of just somehow being able to assemble one on his own without the federal government realizing what their funding.

And then there's some serious soap opera scenes on the last few pages as everyone gets their vaginas in a tither about Jean Grey potentially sacrificing her life to save the rest of the X-Men (and that random guy Corbeau). Quit yer bitchin ladies. She's an X-Man, she'll be fucking fine. Well, knowing how this pans out dozens of issues later she's actually kind of fucked, as will X-Men continuity for all time, because of event set in motion in this issue.

Hmmm... in hindsight it IS a big friggin deal whats going on. SHIT THAT IS A MIND FUCK.

oh hey it's almost thanksgiving. GOD DAMN I AM THANKFUL FOR THE X-MEN. THE X-MEN FUCKING ROCK. YES TO TURKEY AND STUFFING AND GRAVY AND X-MEN.

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