X-Men 175: Um, this one didn't have a title but it's all about the return of DARK FETUS!

what we learned this time after seriously checking like, 3 times and not finding a fucking title:

THE LAST PAGE IS A SPLASH PAGE WITH THE CREDITS BUT THERE IS NO TITLE ON IT. WHAT THE FUCK, STOP BEING CUTE, CLAREMONT.

WOLVERINE IS A LUMBERJACK AND HE'S OK - HE CUTS DOWN TREES, ON PAGE ONE, FUCKS UP DUDES, JUST FOR FUN.

AND THEN THE DARK FETUS COMES BACK AND EVERYONE FREAKS THE FUCK OUT

OH SHIT, THEY SAID, IT'S THE DARK FUCKING PHOENIX.

SHITBALLS, I'M DEAD, SAID COSAIR. FUCK MY COCK I'VE BEEN BURNED TO DEATH, SAID CAPTAIN AMERICA. YES DARK PHOENIX WAS RAPIN E'ERBODY UP IN HERE.

CYCLOPS EVEN HALLUCINATES DURING NEAR-DEATH AND SEES HIS DEAD MOM. SURE WHATEVER.

BUT ITS NOT FART PHOENIX, IT'S JUST MASTERMIND, BEING A MASSIVE DICKHOLE, LIKE I'VE BEEN SAYING EARLIER. CYCLOPS FIGURES THIS OUT ON HIS OWN, OF COURSE, BECAUSE CYCLOPS IS AWESOME.

MORE EVIDENCE OF CYCLOPS' SUPERIORITY IS HIS TRASHING OF THE REST OF THE X-MANS, WHO HAVE BEEN TRICKED INTO THINKING CYCLOPS IS DARK PHOENIX. BUT YOU CAN'T BEAT CYCLOPS, BECAUSE HE'LL STOMP, A MUDHOLE IN THAT ASS 'CAUSE HE'S STRAIGHT OUT THE SWAMP.

AND THEN THE X-JERKS FINALLY FIND AND BEAT UP MASTERMIND (BUT WOLVERINE ISN'T ALLOWED TO KILL HIM BECAUSE NEW LEATHER LEZZIE STORM IS STILL A BIG PUSSY) AND EVERYBODY IS AOK.

AND THEN, DESPITE BEING PSYCHOLOGICALLY AND PHYSICALLY TORTURED NEARLY TO DEATH BY SOME DUDE WHO IS JEALOUS OF HER BOYFRIEND'S EX, MADELYNE PRYOR THINKS ITS A GOOD IDEA TO MARRY CYCLOPS, WHO SHE ONLY MET LIKE A MONTH AGO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING GIRL? RUN! GET THE FUCK OUT THE X-MANSION AND NEVER RETURN. THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING!?

SPEAKING OF BAGGAGE, CYCLOPS IS STILL WORKING OUT SOME ISSUES RIGHT BEFORE THE NUPTIALS:

I like how I drew little peehole slits on the cross of the tombstone. Go me.

Anyway, big, over sized issue, and all the dark phoenix and mastermind stuff that theyve been teasing for a while is tied up here. It's absurd that it ends with a wedding of Cyclops and some random chick he just met but this was Claremont's way to give Cyclops and the original Phoenix the happy ending they were never allowed to because the editors at Marvel demanded Jean Grey kill herself as punishment for blowing up a planet with 6 billion fish people on it.

We're never told whatever happens to Mastermind either. After finally defeating him and shattering the illusions that were causing all the fighting and drama of the previous 30 pages, Wolverine is about to go all stabby stabby on the guy when Storm pulls him away (fucking Storm). But then he's never seen again. I guess they sent him to jail? Or the Avengers prison for super villains, the Vault? Just fucking kill the guy, the X-Men are already outloaws, who gives a shit.

Unfortunately I don't write the Uncannible X-Nads, but when I do, you better believe there will be more stabbings to death. And like I said, the last page is a titleless splash page and it's of Scott and Madelyne playing tonsil hockey after their wedding vows.

And they all lived happily ever after.

...or did they?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Oh, and I almost forgot, I made this super awesome Balzac's Ballsack X-Pussies Video. I spent a lot of time on it, as you will see, and hopefully I'll be able to just embed the motherfucker right here. Let's try.

HAHA! YES I'M AWESOME

X-Men 174: Rom-ANTS in the PANTS!

what we learned this issue from young mutants in love!

THIS ISSUE IS ALL ABOUT SUCKING AND FUCKING (DIDN'T WE ALREADY DO ONE OF THESE?)

• SCOTT SUMMERS BONES MADELYNE PRYOR UP IN SPACE
• HEPZIPAH THE SPACE SKUNK LADY TALKS ABOUT BONING COSAIR, CYCLOPS' DAD (SHE SAYS "YUM!" SCOTT SAYS "BARF!")
• LILANDRA THE SPACE EMPRESS AND PROF CHARLIE XAVIER LAMENT THAT IT WILL BE DIFFICULT TO BONE WHEN THEYRE GALAXIES APART (YEAH NO SHIT)
• CYCLOPS AND MADELYNE BONE ONCE MORE IN SPACE
• MARIKO TELLS WOLVEROONIE THEY WILL BONE NONE MORE TIMES (PSST- DONT TAKE IT TOO HARD BRO, SHE'S UNDER MIND CONTROL)
• KITTY "JAILBAIT" PRYDE ATTEMPTS SEDUCE COLOSSUS AND THEY ALMOST BONE BEFORE BEING DISCOVERED BY LESBIAN STORM
• NIGHTCRAWLER'S STEPSISTER WITCH GIRLFRIEND SENDS HIM A STUFFED TOY LIKENESS OF HERSELF TO MASTURBATE TO UNTIL THEY CAN BONE TOGETHER AGAIN
• MADELYNE IS READY FOR SCOTT TO BONE HER ONCE MORE BUT HE FUCKS IT ALL UP BY ASKING HER IF SHE IS PHOENIX REINCARNATED (TOO BAD THEY ARE ALSO BOTH BEING MANIPULATED BY THE COCKBLOCKING, MINDCONTROLLING, ASSHOLE, MASTERMIND)

OH AND THAT STUPID BITCH BINARY SHOWS UP BUT NO ONE WANTS ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER DISEASED CUNNY.

AND FINALLY, ANOTHER ICONIC PAUL SMITH SCENE DEPICTING THE SWEET, SWEET FORBIDDEN FRUIT OF UNDERAGE POON-TANG:

Colossus and Kitty were a big time "will they or won't they" couple which most of the world should have been rooting against because Colossus is 19 and Kitty is 14 and that's jut too much. 35 and 30 obviously wouldn't be a big deal but we're talking about an age difference equal to over a third of Kitty's life. What the fuck, Claremont, just let one of the New Mutants plow her, what do you think they're there for?

Anyway, they finally make out in this issue. Whatever.

And some of the other other plot lines from previous issues are addressed or completely tied up for now (like Wolvie and his star crossed jap lover, Mariko, thank christ). There is also a rather clumsy recap of the Dark Phoenix saga because a return of the Phoenix force has been teased for a while now and the cliff hanger ends with Madelyne Pryor dressed up like Dark Phoenix and zapping the shit out of Cyclops. It's all just a red herring though, as (consider that shit spoiled already) it was all just Mastermind being a super mega robo jerk and aint none of that is real.

And Kitty gets all meta by reading an issue of Star Wars, which Marvel had the licence to at the time and it supposedly helped keep them out of bankruptcy. And all it took Marvel was a mere 30 years or so to realize they could increase they're company's value from approximately zero to $4 billion by making they're own Hollywood blockbusters. Must have been some real geniuses working there, let me tell you.

Next issue: NOT the Dark fuggin Phoenix but also a double sized extravabonanza! Also Paul Smith's last issue before a looooong run by shitty John Romita Jr. Boo.

X-Men 173: TO FROT AND FROT NOT

what we learned this issue besides obviously preferring to frot:

ROGUE AND WOLVERINE GO OUT BAR FIGHTING IN GINZA. UH, WHY AREN'T YOU IN ROPPONGI, LOSERS, THE CLUBS THERE ARE WAY NICER.

YURIKO AND STORM CONTINUE THEIR LESBIANIC-AWAKENING-CROSS-COUNTRY RAMPAGE.

STORM FOR THE FIRST TIME EVEN USES HER "POWERS TO DELIBERATELY INFLICT PAIN." HEY, GOOD FOR YOU, FAGGOT!

ROGUE AND WOLVIE EVENTUALLY TRACK DOWN THE NINJA ASSASSINS TRYING TO ASSASSINATE THE X-MANS AND A BAD ASS NINJA FIGHT ENSUES, WHICH THE X-MEN WIN, NATCH.

AND WOLVERINE AND MARIKO CELEBRATE WITH A WEDDING WHERE MADELYNE PRYOR MEETS THE X-WADS AND STORM SHOWS OFF HER NEW LEATHERED AND MOHAWKED DOMINATRIX OUTFIT.

BUT THEN ASSHOLE MASTERMIND FUCKS IT ALL UP AND MIND CONTROLS MARIKO INTO JILTING LOGAN-SAN AT THE ALTER. THANKS A LOT, MASTERMIND, YOU COCK!

AND PAUL SMITH CONTRIBUTES ANOTHER CLASSIC MATERPIECIFIC COVER THAT WILL BE REVERED AND HOMAGED BY BUTTHEADS FOR YEARS TO COME:

This was a great issue with so many great fight scenes and some tender moments and YES, SO MANY NINJAS. Mastermind is used as a total Deus Ex Machina to stop Wolverine's nuptials but his character would have been completely in the toilet had it gone through with the marriage so it's for the best (please see the main MU continuity's handling of Pepter Parker and Mary-Jane Watson for exhibit A).

It's also kind of silly that all these ninjas are fighting with throwing stars and shit when they also have nuclear-powered super-laser-blaster handguns and teleportation devices, but whatever, the fight scenes still roxzord.

The handling of Storm's de-twatification is rather bizarre, but also welcomed because before she was constantly on the rag and really not fun to read. And all she had to do was lez-out with a manic-depressive, quasi-suicidal, ex-boning partner of Wolverine's and buy a whole bunch of new leather clothes and a studded dog collar and shave her hair into a mohawk. Like, what took you so long, bitch!

Madelyne's introduction to the X-Men is also pretty hilarious as people keep mistaking her for Jean Grey, who we last saw killing literally billions of people, so that all try and kill her on the spot/recoil in horror. But that doesn't phase her. Nope, dutiful girlfriend to mutant stud Cyclops that she is, the only time she seems a little bit thrown off by her future in-law superheros is when Kitty Pryde asks her to babysit her pet dragon.

Yep, this is why comics are fucking awesome.

And you can officially consider Rogue a part of the X-Farts, now that she's hung with Wolvie and and held her own. She's totally cool now, bro, totally.

Next issue: SLUTS!

X-Men 172: Harlot in Orgy

What we learned this issue in both scarlet and glory, whatever the fuck thats supposed to mean

WOLVERINE STARTS HIS SLOW DOWNWARD DESCENT TO TOTAL PUSSYDOM

THOUGH HE DID JUST STRAIGHT UP MURDER AN OLD MAN IN HIS LIMITED SERIES THAT JUST TOOK PLACE, AND WHICH FREAKS THE FUCK OUT OF COLOSSUS AND KITTY PRYDE.

SAYING YOU KILLED A DUDE AROUND THE X-MEN IS LIKE USING A RACIAL SLUR AROUND POLITE COMPANY. FUCKIN LIGHTEN UP YOU GOD DAMN BORING ASSHOLES.

OH YEAH, AND THE X-MEN ARE IN JAPAN BECAUSE WOLVERINE IS GOING TO GET MARRIED, HENCE THE TRANSFORMATION INTO A GAPPING VAGINA.

THERES LIKE, FULL ON NINJAS AND SHIT EVERYWHERE

WOLVERINE ALSO PLOWED A PSYCHO NINJA BABE NAMED YURIKO. YOU'D ACTUALLY BE HARD PRESSED TO FIND A PYSCHO NINJA BABE THIS SIDE OF CREATION THAT WOLVERINE HASN'T BEEN BALLS DEEP IN.

STORM ALSO APPEARS TO BE IN THE EARLY STAGES OF BEING POSSESSED BY THE PHOENIX FORCE, EXCEPT (SPOILY POO POO ALERT) ITS ALL JUST A RED HERRING THATS NEVER EXPLAINED LATER. FUCKING WACK BULLSHIT, CLAREMONT.

FUN TIMES WITH FART TEA FOR ALL THE X-PALS:

Wolverine is back from his limited series, a classic by Frank Miller and Chris Claremont, it just should never have involved fucking Wolverine. Claremont basically just continued the limited series spin off in the regular X-Men series, as all the X-Bungs show up in Japan and mix it up with all the ninjas and crime lords and other sundry slanty eyed types from the limited series. Even Paul Smith seems to be channeling his inner Frank Miller with lots of homage-y panel lay outs. He always draws some bad ass fight scenes, although they mostly involve Yuriko, and not any of the actual X-Sharts.

Anyway, the fart tea was actually poison tea and that takes out most of the X-Men except Wolvie and Stormy and Rogue-ain. So after some fuckin plot and action I don't feel like going over, we're all set up for next issue with Wolverine and Rogue pairing off to go fuck up ninja assholes and Storm and Yuriko together again for hot interracial tribbing.

And the villains are the Silver Samurai and Viper and maybe some other Jap mobster ninja types, I don't really remember. It's a good bet that whoever else they may be, they are all into tentacle porn, because all fucking japanese people are crazy for that shit.

well, maybe next issue i will think of funnier things to type, but probably not. oh well.

X-Men 171: ROGAINE

What we learned this issue as Rogue is welcomed to the X-Men and her survival of the experience is wished by all

STORM IS NOW THE LEADER OF THE MORLOCKS AND SHE COMMANDS THEM TO ALL BE AS BIG A PUSSY AS SHE IS

EVEN THOUGH CYCLOPS AND MADELYNE PRYOR WERE ON THIER FIRST DATE LAST ISSUE, THEY ARE ALREADY SHARING A BED AND SPLITTING ONE SET OFF PAJAMAS TO SLEEP IN. AND SO IT SEEMS MADELYNE HAS A SCRATCHY THROAT IN IS JUST A LITTLE WHORSE. HAHA THAT WAS A PUN.

THAT SPASTIC TWAT CAROL DANVERS IS BACK AS BINARY AGAIN. FUGGIN GREAD. JUST WHAT I WANTED. MORE CAROL FUGGIN DANBURS. SHID.

ILLYANA RASPUTIN STILL HAS SOME HANG UP OVER SEEING THE EVIL DEMON THAT IMPRISONED AND RAPED HER FOR SEVEN YEARS. JEEZ, BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT ALREADY, WILL YA?

ROGUE SHOWS UP AND WANTS TO BE A GOOD GUY AND XAVIER LETS HER IN OVER THE OBJECTIONS OF BINARY, WHO PUNCHES THE FUCK OUT OF ROGUE, AND STORM, WHO JUST POUTS AROUND LIKE A RAGING MEGA BITCH. PERIOD MUCH, STORM? JUST STUFF A TOWEL IN THERE AND MOVE ON, SOME OF US HAVE SHIT TO DO, YOU KNOW.

WHEN ROGUE FIRST SHOWS UP COLOSSUS ANSWERS THE DOOR AND THEY SHARE A PLEASANT CONVERSATION LIKE PALS:

I don't know why Claremont has such a tremendous boner about Carol Danvers, aka Ms Marvel, but hopefully we've seen the last of her this issue, but I'm not sure. She fucks off after clocking Rogue literally into outer space (and I do mean literally, this is a comic book, remember) and it may or may not be the last we've seen of her.

Another of Claremont's creepy female character fetishes pops up again not unlike an erection, in Madelyne Pryor. It's unclear exactly what Claremont originally had planned for this character, since her history gets all kinds of fucked up in later issues years on down the road, but here, in like her second or third appearance (or some other number, what am I, a fucking X-Douche Encyclopedia?) she tells Cyclops that she survived a horrible plane crash at the exact same time Jean Grey, Scott's ex-girlfriend, was committing suicide on the moon (some love life, this guy). So I think it's pretty obvious that Claremont wants Jean Grey back in comics and so he just created this "other" Jean Grey with a different name and now she and Cyclops are going to get married and retire from the super hero game together. It's pretty fucking weird tho, being that attached to some made up character in comics. I mean who gives a fucking shit about comic book characters? Fucking nerds, get a fucking life!

And Walt Simonson is the guest penciler for this issue. Simonson is a totally rad dude who made some legendary comics in his day (writing and drawing), but this issue is a little off. He may have been rushed or the inker, Bob Wiacek, may not have been familiar enough with his pencil work or maybe something else. But it's still not bad, by any stretch. Also, true story, I met Walt Simonson at the Baltimore Comic-con and he signed my copy of X-Factor 15. Fucking cool, right? Totally!

And Rogue officially joins the X-Men, which will of course lead to all sorts of angsty drama amongst the X-Turds as Rogue is a former bad guy and adopted daughter of super villain Mystique so how can she be trusted? She can't! What the fuck were you thinking Xavier you dickhead!

Oh and Wolverine returns next issue after spending the last 4 months in his own mini-series. Look at the commitment to continuity, people! You don't see that very often these days. Fuckin christ I am lame.

Still: yea Wolverine! Fuck shit up!

X-Men 170: Dancin' in the Farts

What we learned this issue while lancin (e.g. frotting) in the dark:

CYCLOPS IS NOT WELL VERSED IN THE SEXY ARTS OF SEDUCTION.

ON A FIRST DATE, SMOOTH PLAYA CYCLOPS PULLS OUT A PICTURE OF HIS DEAD GIRLFRIEND - WHICH HE STILL KEEPS ON HIM AT ALL TIMES - TO SHOW HIS HOT DATE JUST HOW MUCH THEY LOOK LIKE EACH OTHER.

LUCKILY FOR CYCLOPS, RED-HEADED BABE MADELYNE PRYOR IS SIMPLING THROWING HER PUSSY AT HIM, AND THEY BONE BY THE END OF THE BOOK ANYWAY.

MEANWHILE, THE MORLOCKS ARE STILL TYING UP A MUTANT WHO CAN TELEPORT. DUMBASSES.

MYSTIQUE AND DESTINY ARE TWO OLD MUTANT SCISSOR SISTERS.

STORM STABS THE SHIT OUT OF CALLISTO'S HEART IN WHAT IS BY FAR THE MOST BAD ASS THING SHE HAS DONE IN HER LIFE.

FUCKING TASTE COLD STEEL, CALLISTO'S HEART!

PAUL SMITH IS A SLICK MOTHERFUCKING ARTIST.

HOWEVER, NEITHER CYCLOPS NOR MADELYNE PRYOR'S FASHION SENSIBILITIES WILL STAND UP TOT HE TEST OF TIME VERY WELL:

Besides the spastic courtship of Cyclops and Madelyne Pryor, this issue is all about the Morlocks and the X-Faces mixing it up in the sewers. The highlight of the issue, and one of the raddest bits in X-Men history, is a knife fight between the Morlock leader, Callisto and X-Men boss lady Storm. Storm winds by nonchalantly stabbing the fuck out of Callisto and strolling away from her dead lifeless corpse.

Storm, a notorious pussy and tree hugger who refuses to kill anything, finally does something cool for once in her boring life. But the Morlocks have a healer that brings Callisto back to life so really it wasn't all that cool.

There's also a mid-issue interlude where we see lesbian couple Mystique and Destiny talk about their foster daughter, Rogue, whose run away and will join the X-Men next issue (Spoiled Alert!). The segment is notable for the incredibly dope panel of a close up of Mystique's tearing eyeball reflecting the image of Jean Grey slashing her throat (it happens in a dream which also foreshadows the return of Mastermind, the evil villain of the Dark Phoenix Saga). Paul Smith was at the top of his game during this run, aided and abetted by the smooth inking of Bob Wiack.

I also like how the still kidnapped Angel is totally forced to wear serious S&M bondage gear.

Anyway, thanks to Storm's bloodthirsty savagery, the X-Nuts know have a massive horde of decrapitated looking mutant bums under their charge. Great, that's gonna get them invited to a lot off parties, I'm sure.

Next issue, Rogue joins the fart party of X-Farts and Cyclops continues ramming his ruby quartz ding-a-ling in Madelyne Pryor's cloned fire crotch. So great fun for all!

X-men 169: CRAPTACOMBS

69 BONUS EDITION!

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE (NOT INCLUDING, UNFORTUNATELY, WHAT SEPARATES MAROON 5 FROM JAMIROQUAI WITH A BAND):

WARREN WORTHINGTON III IS SO FLUSH WITH CASH HIS H

OME HAS A TELEPHONE WITH SPEED DIAL! FUCK!

TOO BAD IT DOESN'T HELP HIS SPERM REPOSITORY, CANDY SOTHERN FROM BEING ABDUCTED BY SOME BIG UGLY PIECE OF SHIT NAMED SUNDER.

OH WAIT, NIGHTCRAWLER DOES SAVE HER, RIGHT BEFORE HE WAS ABOUT TO PLOW HIS STEP-SISTER/GIRLFRIEND (EW) AMANDA SEFTON. CANDY YOU COCKBLOCKIN BITCH!

BUT WWIII DID GEET KIDNAPPED, AND THE X-KNOBS ARE OFF TO HIS RESCUE, WHICH TAKES THEM DEEP WITHIN THE BOWELS OF VAST THE NEW YORK SUBTERRANEAN TUNNEL SYSTEM WHICH TOTALLY DOES NOT EXIST.

SERIOUSLY, WHY WOULD YOU CONNECT A MASSIVE SEWER SYSTEM TO A SUBWAY SYSTEM? YOU FUCKING WOULDN'T. THAT'S DUMB.

BUT I GUESS THERE IS ONE IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE AND A BUNCH OF FUCKING GRODY LOOKING HOMELESS PEOPLE MUTANTS LIVE THERE AND THEY FIGHT THE X-MEN.

AND RIGHT BEFORE THE CLIFFFHANGER ENDING WE FIND ANGEL STUCK IN AN S&M BONDAGE DUNGEON WITH HIS MISTRESS.

This is the first appearance of the Morlocks and their leader, Castillo, whose power is to be ugly and skinny and dress like a fucking hipster douche bag. Reading this for the first time helped foster that ridiculous fantasy that all big cities were built on top of a giant abandoned underground tunnels where all sorts of crazy, fucked up shit goes down. Maybe I'm making too big a deal of out this (me? make too big of a deal of a comic book? never!) but there's just no reason why any city would ever make a sewer system that spacious and ornate. You can't live in the swer tunnels. In real life you wouldn't be even able to fit in them, the pipes are that big. And that's all they are, just a bunch off fuckin pipes. Nobody built huge empty rooms underground with big stone archways just for the hell off it. And the subway tunnels likewise have no extra space in them. They're just big enough for a subway car to travel through, why the fuck would there big a sidewalk next to them? And there sure as fuck aren't any two story staircases with ornate, decorate railings. Come on, that is just too much!

Ok, now that I've proven that I clearly have no life all I've got left to say is that this is an enjoyable issue with more strong art from Paul Smith but it's mostly a set up for next issue, when the Morlocks and X-Loafs fight it out again. Oh and the creepy stalker dude Caliban from a bunch of issues ago is back and kidnapped Kitty Pryde and probably molested her because he is clearly retarded.

X-Men 168: PROFESSOR XAVIER IS A JERK(OFF)!

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY FROM THAT FUGGIN JAGOV XAVIER:

KITTY WANTS A BLOODBATH!

DAMN KITTY LOOKED SO GOOD IN THIS ISSUE, IF SHE WEREN'T 14 AND COLOSSUS WASN'T ALREADY TAPPIN THAT ASS I'D BE ALL UP IN THAT SHIT. I'D BE LIKE, WHAT'S UP BABY CAN GET SOME FRIES WITH THAT SHAKE SWEET THANG. THEN I'D SLIDE MY BONE ROD UP IN HER SHE CAVE AND GET MY SPERMS ALL UP ON HER EGGS AND SHE'D HAVE TO GET A GAGORTION AND IT WOULD BE TRUE LOVE FOREVER.

HAH, NO THAT'S FUCKIN FUCKED UP. I'M NOT THAT KIND OF DEGENERATE INTERNET FREAKSHOW, I SWEAR!

THIS ISSUE IS ALL ABOUT BONING THOUGH. CHECK IT OUT:

• XAVIER BONES LILANDRA
• CYCLOPS PORKS LEE FORRESTER
• KNIGHTCRAWLER PLOWS AMANDA SEFTON, THE BLONDE(!) GYPSY STEP-SISTER SORCERESS
• AND STORMS SUCKS THE METAPHORICAL TEAT OF MOTHER NATURE, BECAUSE SHE'S ALL ABOUT THAT SHIT

LOCKHEED THE DRAGON AND KITTY'S FAMILIAR IS FINALLY NAMED AND MADE PART OF THE TEAM. HE HAS A WRY SENSE OF HUMOR AND WHEN A SIDRI ALIEN SHOOTS AN ENERGY BEAM AT HIM, HE "RESPONDS IN KIND" (CLAREMONT LOVES THAT FUCKING PHRASE)

SO NOW KITTY HAS SOME GOD DAMN FIRE POWER DURING BATTLES

AND MADELINE PRYOR IS INTRODUCED IN THE LAST PAGE, WHOSE HISTORY AND STORYLINE IS SO FUCKED UP AND CONVOLUTED I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO BEGIN TO EXPLAIN IT. LONG STORY SHORT, SHES A FAKE JEAN GREY AND CYCLOPS IS GOING TO ONE DAY PLOW HER FERTILE VAGINAL SOIL ONE DAY AS WELL.

OH YEAH AND KITTY IS PISSED BECAUSE XAVIER WANTS TO DEMOTE HER TO THE NEWD MUTAINTS AND SHE WANTS TO STAY ON THE X-MEN. HERE IS THE FIRST PANEL OF THE ISSUE, ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS SPLASH PAGES IN X-MEN HISTORY, LOVING RECREATED BY ME:

Before we talk anymore about this issue can I just say that A Few Good Men is a great flick and is worth watching just about anytime it comes up on but I think it's responsible for everyone thinking court rooms are exciting and now all sorts of fucking movies come out where lawyers are all yelling and being dramatic and its fucking bullshit. i havent been in that many court rooms myself, but every time i have its quiet, boring and fucking depressing. you cant yell in the court room, the judge would fuck your shit right up. theres like 5 or 6 serious shouting matches in A Few Good Men. it makes for a good movie, but come on, the judge runs the court room and the lawyers are little scum sucking peons that are constantly sucking up to the robe and if they lose the case or whatever, fuck it, theyre getting paid and they move on to the next client. no lawyers actually give a shit about their client.

so what i'm saying is there needs to be dramas based on the judges point of view and I WANT MORE NIGHT COURT RERUNS. which also has the best use of a wood block in a tv theme song ever. im pretty sure thats an indisputable fact.

ok so this is the first issue of the "From the Ashes" 9 issue arc that is collected in trade paperback and, along with the Dark Phoenix Saga, is the most famous parts of Claremont's run. They both have amazing artwork and great storylines and character development to do along with dope ass action scenes. Its how most people who started reading the x-men in the late 80's/90's (ie me) were able to cheaply read some x-men pack story.

and i dont feel like recapping it anymore. i will say that claremont begins to throw the word "Yum" around with increasing frequency in his issues, which is his code word for the characters thinking "I've nothing but prurient thoughts in my head right now, lets shed are clothes and fuck immediately or at least masturbate together." but in a all ages comic book, "Yum!" is all you get.

Ok i got Maryland vs Duke football tickets, time to go tailgate and fuck those snobby butt rags straight to hell! TERPS TERPS TERPS TERPS TERPS TERPS TERPS TERPS!

X-Men 167: The Hold My Cocks Syndrome! or: "Who's Been Slurping on My Head?"

What the three fuggin bears taught us this issue:

THE GOLDILOCKS SYNDROME IS WHEN YOU COME AND YOU FINE PEOPLE IN YOUR HOUSE. IN THIS CASE, THE NEW MUTANTS ARE SUBSTITUTES FOR BEARS. BULLSHIT, THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR BEARS, EXCEPT BEARS DRIVING CARS.

THE NEWD MUTAINTS AND THE X-BEARS FIGHT, FOR NOT FUCKING REASON WHATSOEVER, EXCEPT HOW ELSE IS CLAREMONT GOING TO SHOW EVERYONE WHAT THE NUDE MOOTANTS' POWERS ARE?

OH ALLRIGHT, THEYRE FIGHTING BECAUSE XAVIER IS MANIPULATING THEM BECAUSE HE'S BEEN SECRETLY TURNED INTO AN ALIEN BUG SPECIES, THE BROOD!

BUT THEN XAVIER GETS BETTER BECAUSE THE STARJAMMER'S FLYING ROBOT DOCTOR INSECT SAVES HIS LIFE. OH LOOK, STARJAMJOBS AS DEUS EX MACHINA. AGAIN. NO NEED TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT DYING AROUND THESE FUCKERS. JUST GO NUTS.

LILANDRA IS BACK AS EMPRESS OF THE SHI'AR EMPIRE AND SHE FUCKS OFF THE IMPERIAL GAURD TO DEAL WITH THE FANTASTIC FOUR IN THIER FUCKING COMIC BOOK AND XAVIER STAYS AT HOME AND ITS LIKE THE END OF A SHITTY EPISODIC TV SHOW CAUSE EVERYTHING IS BACK TO NORMAL UNTIL NEXT WEEK'S HILARIOUS CAPER OR HARROWING HIJINKS.

XAVIER IS GOING TO BE THE SEXY BALD CRIPPLED MEAT IN THE MIDDLE OF A MOIRA AND LILANDRA SEX SANDWICH.

KITTY PRYDE IS FUCKIN FIRED!

BEHOLD, A MASTERPIECE:

This is a fine issue if you can get past the name, which makes no sense (par for the course).

and then i was going finish this right up but i then i got drunk. so i got nothing now. it was a nice normal friday and i had a few good men on tnt but cest la vie. good issue, paul smith is the man and im im done. ext issue, KITTY PRYDE VS XAVIER. nice.