what we learned this time after seriously checking like, 3 times and not finding a fucking title:
THE LAST PAGE IS A SPLASH PAGE WITH THE CREDITS BUT THERE IS NO TITLE ON IT. WHAT THE FUCK, STOP BEING CUTE, CLAREMONT.
WOLVERINE IS A LUMBERJACK AND HE'S OK - HE CUTS DOWN TREES, ON PAGE ONE, FUCKS UP DUDES, JUST FOR FUN.
AND THEN THE DARK FETUS COMES BACK AND EVERYONE FREAKS THE FUCK OUT
OH SHIT, THEY SAID, IT'S THE DARK FUCKING PHOENIX.
SHITBALLS, I'M DEAD, SAID COSAIR. FUCK MY COCK I'VE BEEN BURNED TO DEATH, SAID CAPTAIN AMERICA. YES DARK PHOENIX WAS RAPIN E'ERBODY UP IN HERE.
CYCLOPS EVEN HALLUCINATES DURING NEAR-DEATH AND SEES HIS DEAD MOM. SURE WHATEVER.
BUT ITS NOT FART PHOENIX, IT'S JUST MASTERMIND, BEING A MASSIVE DICKHOLE, LIKE I'VE BEEN SAYING EARLIER. CYCLOPS FIGURES THIS OUT ON HIS OWN, OF COURSE, BECAUSE CYCLOPS IS AWESOME.
MORE EVIDENCE OF CYCLOPS' SUPERIORITY IS HIS TRASHING OF THE REST OF THE X-MANS, WHO HAVE BEEN TRICKED INTO THINKING CYCLOPS IS DARK PHOENIX. BUT YOU CAN'T BEAT CYCLOPS, BECAUSE HE'LL STOMP, A MUDHOLE IN THAT ASS 'CAUSE HE'S STRAIGHT OUT THE SWAMP.
AND THEN THE X-JERKS FINALLY FIND AND BEAT UP MASTERMIND (BUT WOLVERINE ISN'T ALLOWED TO KILL HIM BECAUSE NEW LEATHER LEZZIE STORM IS STILL A BIG PUSSY) AND EVERYBODY IS AOK.
AND THEN, DESPITE BEING PSYCHOLOGICALLY AND PHYSICALLY TORTURED NEARLY TO DEATH BY SOME DUDE WHO IS JEALOUS OF HER BOYFRIEND'S EX, MADELYNE PRYOR THINKS ITS A GOOD IDEA TO MARRY CYCLOPS, WHO SHE ONLY MET LIKE A MONTH AGO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING GIRL? RUN! GET THE FUCK OUT THE X-MANSION AND NEVER RETURN. THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING!?
SPEAKING OF BAGGAGE, CYCLOPS IS STILL WORKING OUT SOME ISSUES RIGHT BEFORE THE NUPTIALS:
I like how I drew little peehole slits on the cross of the tombstone. Go me.
Anyway, big, over sized issue, and all the dark phoenix and mastermind stuff that theyve been teasing for a while is tied up here. It's absurd that it ends with a wedding of Cyclops and some random chick he just met but this was Claremont's way to give Cyclops and the original Phoenix the happy ending they were never allowed to because the editors at Marvel demanded Jean Grey kill herself as punishment for blowing up a planet with 6 billion fish people on it.
We're never told whatever happens to Mastermind either. After finally defeating him and shattering the illusions that were causing all the fighting and drama of the previous 30 pages, Wolverine is about to go all stabby stabby on the guy when Storm pulls him away (fucking Storm). But then he's never seen again. I guess they sent him to jail? Or the Avengers prison for super villains, the Vault? Just fucking kill the guy, the X-Men are already outloaws, who gives a shit.
Unfortunately I don't write the Uncannible X-Nads, but when I do, you better believe there will be more stabbings to death. And like I said, the last page is a titleless splash page and it's of Scott and Madelyne playing tonsil hockey after their wedding vows.
And they all lived happily ever after.
...or did they?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Oh, and I almost forgot, I made this super awesome Balzac's Ballsack X-Pussies Video. I spent a lot of time on it, as you will see, and hopefully I'll be able to just embed the motherfucker right here. Let's try.
HAHA! YES I'M AWESOME
No comments:
Post a Comment