X-Men 176: Attack of the Cocktopuss!

What we learned this issue besides what you get when you cross a rooster with an octopus:

NEWLYWEDS CYCLOPS AND MADELYNE NEVER STOP BONING. "WHEN DO WE LAND THIS PLANE SO WE CAN BONE MORE?" ASKS SCOTT SUMMERS. "HOTSHOT AT THIS RATE MY UTERUS IS GOING TO FALL OUT," REPLIED MADELYNE PYROR/OLD MOTHER HUBBARD.

A STORM FUCKS ALL THEIR SHIT UP (NOT THE STORM, JUST A STORM).

WOLVERINE GOES TO MARIKO AND IS ALL, "YO, THAT WAS JUST MASTERMIND BEFORE, BEING A DICK. WE CAN GO BACK TO BONING AGAIN." AND MARIKO IS ALL, "ME NO THINK SO, THAT STILL HAPPEN STUPID AMERICAN. YOU SEEN THIS TUNA ROLL FOR LAST TIME."

SOME POLITICS AND SHIT HAPPEN WITH NON SUPER HERO GOVERNMENT TYPES LIKE VALERIE COOPER AND HENRY GYRICH AND SOME BORING CRAP I'M NOT GOING TO RE-READ.

UM, MORLOCKS ARE FUGALEE SLUTS!

A GIANT OCTOPUS, A FUCKING GIANT OCTOPUS, ATTACKS MADELYNE AND SCOTT BUT THEY SURVIVE AND FLY OFF INTO THE SUNSET FOR A NON STOP SUCK AND FUCKFEST FOR THE END OF TIME!

OH, AND A FUCKING SHARK TRIED TO EAT THEM TOO. A FUCKING SHARK!

This one is all about Scott and Madelyne trying to retire from the super hero life and just hang out together and fuck all the time. Seriously, Claremont makes many many many not so subtle allusions to the fact that these two are bumping uglies every god damn chance they get. Of course as a snot nosed little brat, I picked up on none of this, BUT I'M ON TO YOUR DIRTY TRICKS NOW, CLAREMONT, YOU DEGENERATE SMUT PEDDLER.

Like I said before, you'd think Pyror would wise up and ditch this super hero dude because of all the life threatening crazy ass shit he puts her through, but she's actually super lucky to have Cyclops around this time because 1) he's a dope ass mechanic and pilot and he got the plane running again after it was felled by the lightening storm 2) he fucking zapped a great white shark AND a giant fucking octopus that was trying to kill them and and 3) i've said this many times: CYCLOPS IS THE BEST X-MAN.

Back in Japan, Wolverine goes out begging for some sweet poonany but wisely, Claremont says a married Wolverine is a bozo boring lame Wolverine, and I actually buy the excuse Mariko uses that regardless of mutant mind control, the shit she agreed to happened and she is honor bound to do right by her family and Wolverine is just going to have to go poke some other slit. I've heard some people (yes other nerds on the internet, fine you got me) complain that Claremont's version of Japan is backwards and racists and people dont go around wearing kimonos and swinging samurai swords all the time, and to that I say, listen nerds, 1) Wolverine and Rogue were out earlier in Ginza at a modern bar with normal looking dudes and 2) PEOPLE DONT DRESS IN TIGHTS AND HAVE SUPER POWERS IN AMERICA so who gives a shit, its a comic book.

And finally some people in suits sit around a table in Washington DC (hey I live there!) and talk about what a menace Magneto is (rightly so) and agree to start the ominous sounding but not totally defined PROJECT WIDEAWAKE, a plot device thats actually been teased for a while. Claremont will deal with that and the politics aspect of mutants (and super heroes in general) more later, its just good to know that the stuff we're seeing now got totally ripped off by Byran Singer and his two X-Men movies (as well as Mark Millar's massive MU X-over Civil War) so next time someone says that Singer is a genius who modernized some silly comic book characters and gave them depth and gravitas and whatever, you say: EAT SHIT PAL, THAT WAS ALL THE MAIN MAN HIMSELF, CHRIS CLAREMONT, NOW SIT ON THIS JAGOV. and then you thrust a big spiky metal bat in his face and imply that he shove it up his butt hole.

Right, and there's some crap with the Morlocks, who still live in the giant cavernous tunnels the City of New York decided to build and maintain in their sewer system for no reason, even though everyone knows water and sewer lines are just fucking pipes, and not these elaborate tunnel systems. Anyway, we'll see more of the Morlocks a little later on.

And the art is more of the serviceable but not my favorite stuff from John Romita Jr and the inking is totally inconsistent which leads me to believe that Bob Wiacek didnt do all of it because Bob Wiacek is the man.

Next issue, some REALLY shitty inking and art but a pretty cool story. so suck my dick, i'm a shark!