What we learned this issue besides that when stumped for a title, Claremont just says 'fuck it, we'll call it Sanction', even though absolutely no sanctioning takes place:
CLAREMONT USES MYSTIQUE'S VISIT TO A CIRCUS (A DEADLY CIRCUS, NATCH) AS A PROXY TO RAP WISTFUL ABOUT THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF COMIC BOOKS: "IT WAS A MAGIC PLACE, WHOSE INHABITANTS WERE STORYBOOK CHARACTERS COME TO LIFE, MORE BEAUTIFUL AND EXCITING THAN I COULD EVER HOPE TO BE."
GAY
MYSTIQUE THEN TOTALLY MURDERS ALL THE X-MEN, EXCEPT THEY ARE NOT X-MENS, THEY ARE ARCADES ROWBIT X-MEN
GAY ROWBITS
KITTY PRYDE IS STILL FREAKED OUT BY THE NEW LEATHER LEZBO STORM. RELAX KITTY, IT'S JUST A PHASE. SHE'LL GROW OUT OF IT, YOU SILLY GOOSE.
KITTY AND PETER GO ON A DATE TO THE NEW YORK MET BUT THEN TRAGEDY STRIKES IN THE FORM OF A SUPER VILLAIN ATTACK. TOTAL CALL BACK TO X-MEN 99 WITH JEAN AND SCOTT'S FUCKING DATE, YO. AT LEAST I THINK IT'S ISSUE 99, WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, THE FUCKING ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR?
XAVIER, HAVOK AND CYCLOPS BEAM BACK TO EARTH AS XAVIER'S ALIEN BIRD QUEEN LOVER, LILANDRA, AND SCOTT'S HOMOSEXUAL SPACE PIRATE FATHER,COSAIR, FUCK OFF TOGETHER OUT INTO THE COSMOS. SO LONG ASSHOLES.
NIGHTCRAWLER IS SO TOTALLY MYSTIQUE'S KID....
...OR IS HE?!?!?!?!?!
MAN OF LIVING METAL COLOSSUS GETS FUCKED UP WITH SUPER HEATED INFERNO BLASTS IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED BY A BATH IN LIQUID NITROGEN. HMMM... WHERE HAVE I SEEN THAT BEFORE... I'M LOOKING AT YOU JAMES CAMERON YOU FUCKING HACK.
ALSO A TOTAL RUHTARD? ARCADE. A TUMBLING DICKWEED, HE IS. SO CHECK IT OUT, I MAILED IN THE CARTOON.
Why is Arcade's god damn head so much bigger than Miss Locke's? The world may never know.
The first half of this issue is Mystique "training" at Arcade's carnival of death, or whatever, with his rowbit X-Dong dobbledongangers, so she can get good practice and do it thing for real later. I like the premise but Mystique relies on a lot of cheap moves, like shooting a gun into a giant gas tanker and blowing robot Storm to bits. That's just lazy C-Mont. Oh wait, nerd alert, Mystique doesn't shoot a gun, she wears a "special suit" that captures Storm's lighting and allows her to shoot it back, which blows up the tanker that incinerates rowbit Storm. EVEN FUCKING LAZIER.
And of course, Arcade is a great big cock cheese so it sucks that he is around. And how did he create a robot to teleport like Nightcrawler? He can just do that? Fuck that.
Also, echoing the fateful night the sentinels came and snatched Jean Grey up into space, Colossus and Kitty Pryde are attacked by super villains during their otherwise peaceful and sexy night out on the town. Mad cockblockin, son.
One of the new villains (is he new? I don't feel like checking to make sure) is some limey butt sniffer named Pyro, who can control flames. That's fine, but when he uses a giant ball of fire to pick Colossus up? Well that just fucking dumb. Fire has no mass, it's the fucking byproduct of a chemical reaction, it can't pick anything up, damn it. C'mon, don't bullshit me here.
What is awesome though is the idea of superheating Colossus with flame (C-Mizzy rhetorically asks if Colossus can get so hot that he melts. Well I don't know about Colossus' organic steel skin but the googles says stainless steal melts at around 2500 degrees Fahrenheit, so there you go Mr. Wizard) and then superfreezing him with liquid nitrogen (here Claremont consulted an encyclopedia and tells us that shit is minus 346F). This comic came out in 1984. Seven years later, that no talent assclown James Cameron will totally rip this idea off to kill the liquid metal T-1000 model killer rowbit.
I know Cameron makes some awesome flicks (ALIENS will never stop being all kinds of awesome), and no one has better special effects, but lets face it, the guy is a retard. I mean have you actually seen Titanic? And not just the part with Kate Winslet's naked ta-tas. Its fucking dumb as hell. James Cameron: idiot.
Anyhow, the cliffhanger here is if Colossus will now die from such punishment. Um, I'm going to guess fuckin no, but I'll sure as fuck tune in next time to find the fuck out!
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