X-Men 179: What Crappened to Shitty?

What we learned this issue besides what the bitch happened to motherfucking Kitty god damn Pryde:

WELL SHE'S NOT DEAD, WOLVERINE'S MAGIC MUTANT NOSE SNIFFED OUT THAT CLEVER MORLOCK RUSE.

BUT SHE IS TOTALLY DRUGGED UP AND ABOUT TO MARRY A DISGUSTING WRETCH OF A MUTANT NAMED CALIBAN (BECAUSE CLAREMONTLEBAN'S SHAGSBEARD BONER KNOWS NO EARTHLY LIMITS).

AND COLOSSUS IS STILL FROZEN IN CARBONITE, OR WHATEVER THE HELL HAPPENS TO ORGANIC STEEL WHEN IT'S SUPER HEATED THEN SPRAYED WITH LIQUID NITROGEN.

EVEN AFTER KITTY TRIES TO STOP HIM WHILE IN THE MIDST OF A MORLOCK INDUCED HOMICIDAL RAGE, WOLVERINE HAS TIME FOR TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: "WHY'RE YOU GIVIN' ME GRIEF PUN'KIN?" HE FUCKING SAYS.

EVERYBODY IS FINE AT THE END. EVEN THOUGH THE MORLOCKS ARE TOTAL DICKS, THE ALSO HAVE A DEUS EX MACHINA HEALER WHO SAVES COLOSSUS AND THEN THAT CREEPYFACED DUDE CALIBAN RELEASES KITTY FROM HER OBLIGATION TO MARRY HIM (I FORGET WHY, SOMETHING ABOUT HIM HELPING STOP ANGEL FROM GETTING KILLED OR SOME BULLSHIT) AND EVERYBODY GOES HOME.

A COUPLE THINGS ABOUT THAT: 1) SLAVERY IS ILLEGAL IN THIS COUNTRY, MISTER, ESPECIALLY THE KIND INVOLVING WHITE WOMEN 2) WASN'T KITTY'S FIRE BREATHING PET FUCKIN DRAGON SPECIFICALLY CREATED TO HELP OUT IN SITUATIONS LIKE THIS? 3) LISTEN TO HOW LAME CALIBAN SOUNDS WHEN HE TELLS KITTY SHE CAN GO "REMEMBER HIM KINDLY - NOT AS THE MORLOCK MONSTER - BUT AS THE PRINCE." OK PUSSY, WILL DO.

ANYWAY, HERE ARE THOSE TWO BOZOS ABOUT TO GET MARRIED:

This issue also starts out with some more preposterous Morlock tunnel nonsense. Says the narrator: "There is a city beneath the city - a labyrinthine network of tunnels and passages that reach as deep... as Manhattan's fabled skyscapers do high." Um, no there isn't, dude. Not even close. Also, why are Manhattan's skyscaper's fabled? They're totally fuckin real. I've been in a few of them. Nothing fabley about it.

It is kind of cool to see what a collection of grody lookin bums the Morlock's are, and Romita Jr's art is, dare say, pretty all right. Of course it's helped by Dan The Man Green on inks, so credit where credit is due.

Not much else happens besides Kitty no longer being obligated to marry Caliban and Colossus being magically healed. The fabled (see how I use it hear?) Claremontian subplots are mostly sidelined, except for Kitty still having a big fucking hang up over Storm lezzing it out. Look, it's 1982, Kitty, lighten the fuck up.

It may also be the first time we see Leach, the ugly green alien looking looking Morlock kid who neutralizes Mutant powers. But I'm not sure, though, because I don't give a fucking shit. Oh and Xavier gets randomly attacked by some crazy psychic mind bolts or whatever and it's not explained. It all ties into the Secret Wars Marvel Universe mega cross over that I'm not even going to talk about because the X-Men barely factor into it and go read a blog about the faggot Beyonder if you want to know what its all about, because this here blog is ALL X-TARDS ALL THE TIME.

No jerry curled omnipotent beings allowed. Not even one, despite the fact that I said beingS. This is not the No Homers Club, wise ass.

Anyhowzer, next issue is another annual, seems like a while since we last did one. And it stars Dracula! Back in the good old days when vampires were men and frankensteins were just dudes who created monsters, not the actually monsters themselves, though I still prefer to call the monster Frankenstein, because who cares, dorkface? Mary Shelly can rise from the god damn grave to correct me if she fuckin wants, otherwise shut the fuck up, I don't care.

Then we start a whole new X-Men Essential collection, number 5! Wow we are all such losers, aren't we!?!